123 Magic Notes

The 3 jobs for you as a parent

Control obnoxious Behavior (STOP behaviors)
Encourage good behavior (START behaviors)
Strengthening your relationship with your children

Controlling obnoxious behavior (STOP Behaviors)

This is where counting and break times come in. You will use counting and break times for STOP behaviors.

Taking Breaks and Counting

A break is when parents and child can separate briefly so they can calm down and regroup. You do not talk about the behavior after the break. No need to punish the child twice. If the behavior was dangerous, unusual, or new, then give a brief explanation.

3 counts are needed before a break occurs. And after you’ve tried ignoring, sympathetic listening, distraction, and joint problem solving.

You and your child may fall for the arguing/ yelling/ hitting/ persuading/ defending/ rationalizing trap. You need to start counting before this happens. Once you notice that you’ve fallen in this trap. Simply go back to counting.

The parents tone should not be anger/ negative. It should simply be “I love you but you simply cannot behave this way”.

Straight to 3!

Major behavior goes straight to 3 and taking a break. This is stuff like hitting, spitting, etc. Still, you must be gentle and consistent. Then the child’s behavior will mature over time.

Your child won’t behave rationally when they are upset. Same goes to you! The brain is just not wired that way. When dealing with a child, you must manage the yelling/ screaming/ whining/ fighting. All while encouraging positive behaviors like eating, doing homework, cleaning up, going to bed and child/parent bonding.

To be an effective parent you must be gentle and friendly. The message your child receives should be that you love them and will take care of them.

You must also balance this with being firm and letting them know that you expect them to do something.

Children also will model your behavior. Like if you solve problems with anger. They will to. If you are calm and collected. They will learn that from you as well.

Counting is for STOP behaviors

You must control negative behaviors. These are things you want your children to STOP doing. And what you will use COUNTING for.

Physical attacks on people , breaking something, fighting
Teasing
Whining
Temper (intimidation, “I HATE YOU!”)
Arguing
Badgering (wearing you down with repetition
Tantrums
Yelling
Threat (I’m running away from home)
Martyrdom (“I never get anything”)
Crying, pouting, looking sad on purpose
Saying something is unfair
Butter up “you are the nicest dad in the world!”
Promises/ insincere apologies

This is controlling obnoxious behavior. Or the demanding side of parenting. This teaches you and your child to hold back and avoid dysfunctional responses.

Methods for stop behaviors

Counting

Go straight to 3 if behavior is dangerous or extreme
Don’t talk or get angry, just count
Voice should be casual but stern
No extra talking or emotion
Things should go back to normal after a count
Counting with anger is challenging your child to misbehave
Both parents can be involved in any of the counts (mom says 1 for first offense dad says 2, etc.)
Keep quit and ignore for minor offenses (depending on your fuse)
When in doubt count
Take about 5 seconds between counts
Start the counting cycle over longer as the child gets older. (15 minutes for 5 year old, 2-3 hours for an 11 year old, etc.
Do not punish bad grades, use the reward system for grades instead.
Explain to child the counting process when you first start.
Should not be used for bedtime

Break time

One minute per year of the child’s life
Do not make eye contact or talk to child
Remain gentle but firm and instructive
You do not have to close the door
No lectures, explanations, or emotions after a break time
Explanations are appropriate when the behavior is new, unusual, or dangerous
Very gentle procedure to calm everyone down
If child behaves, praise him and enjoy his company, if they do something else that is countable, count it.
Parent should not be furious, yelling, lecturing, or physical or emotionally abusive
Most failures are because the parent forgets the no talking and no emotion rules
Timer doesn’t start until child is done with tantrum (unless they are 3 or younger, then just let them out when their time is up, start the count over if they continue to misbehave after they get out)
Child can go to room and read, take a nap, play legos, draw, etc. No phone, no friends, and no electronic entertainment.
Use same strategy if company is over
Send kid and friend outside if they both get counted to 3
Give child a hug after break time if they want one.
Should happen right when the offense happens. Do not give a break time an hour later for something. If you can’t give a breaktime right away then use a breaktime alternative.

What if kids won’t go to break time?

Bring them to the room
Choose a breaktime Alternative (you can give them a choice between a couple consequences, you pick if they won’t)
Reverse break time, you leave the room, walk around the house, don’t talk
If they won’t come out of breaktime, that is okay, just tell them when their time is up

What if they leave their room?

Add extra time
Switch to break time alternative
Doorknob cover
Locking the door
Tell them if they come out then the door gets closed

Break Time Alternatives

Make sure these are fair and reasonable. And that the punishment fits the behavior.

Loss of privilege or toy for a period of time
bedtime fifteen minutes earlier
forty cents off the allowance
no electronic entertainment for two hours
Earlier bedtime
No dessert or treat
No use of phone
No friend over
No conversation—fifteen minutes
Removal of DVD, iPod
Reduced computer time
Loss of TV for evening
Loss of electronic games—two hours
Monetary fine
Small chore—wash bathroom sink
Larger chore—weed yard
Write a paragraph
(Limited only by your imagination)

Child has a fit when dropping off at daycare.

Become master of the quick exit. Kiss goodbye, tell them when you’ll see them again, and get out of there. The more you talk, the worse you will make the situation.

Sibling rivalry

never ask “what happened?”

Count both kids

Put them in different breaktime locations

tantrums

never talk or argue with a tantruming child

Common mistakes when dealing with a misbehaving child

Mistake #1

using counting for Start behavior (for example, counting a child to get her to do her homework).

Mistake # 2

Too much talking

Mistake #3

Too much emotion

Encourage good behavior. (START behaviors)

This takes more effort on the parent AND the child.

Cleaning up after themselves
going to bed on time
being polite
doing homework

Warm and demanding side of parenting.

You do not count for these things. Instead, to encourage positive action, pick something from this list of methods.

You can use one or a combination of these:

Praise
Timers
Natural Consequences
Docking
Charting
Counting variation
Simple requests
Model behavior yourself
Make activity fun or add diversions or friendly challenges
Positive reinforcement
Cheering and applauding, praise
Elaborate for younger kids, heartfelt for older kids
Praise in front of other people
Unexpected praise
Three positive comments for every negative comment
Simple requests
“It’s time to start your homework”
Phrasing requests in a “matter of fact” tone
Try not to spring requests out of the blue, give them some warning
structure tasks into fixed routines
Kitchen timers
The docking system
if you don’t work, you don’t get paid
Charge them money for doing their chores
Natural consequences
let the big bad world teach lessons for you
“I’m sure you’ll do better next time!” (offer encouragement)
Charting
3-4 things to work on at one time for a chart
If they do good at something on a chart for a long period of time then replace it with something new
Offer rewards for completing a chart
trip for icecream
tokens
small toy
rent a game
outing with parent
shopping trip
sleepover
game with parent

no-chore voucher

camping in the backyard
card for a colelction
tech time
breakfast in bed
cash
rent a movie
grab-bag surprise
comic book or magazine
friend over for supper
choice of three reinforcers
reading a story with parents
sleeping with the dog or cat
special phone call
collection items
helping make and eat cookies
using a power tool
staying up an extra 15 minutes

Counting Variation

For start behaviors that only take a couple minutes to accomplish

Children’s approximate capacities at different ages for doing independent school work:

Age 6: 10 minutes

Age 7: 20 minutes

Age 8: 30 minutes

Age 9: 40 minutes

Strengthening your relationship with your children

Make sure screen time does not replace face-to-face time
You value enjoying each other’s company
critical for family well-being and child’s self-esteem that you like them and not just love them.

Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationships:

Practice sympathetic listening

Avoid over-parenting

Join in one-on-one fun

Solve problems together

if encouraging positive behavior in kids requires more motivation from the kids, it’s also going to require more motivation from Mom and Dad.

One minute per year of the child’s life

Do not make eye contact or talk to child

Remain gentle but firm and instructive

You do not have to close the door

No lectures, explanations, or emotions after a break time

Explanations are appropriate when the behavior is new, unusual, or dangerous

Very gentle procedure to calm everyone down

If child behaves, praise him and enjoy his company, if they do something else that is countable, count it.

Parent should not be furious, yelling, lecturing, or physical or emotionally abusive

Most failures are because the parent forgets the no talking and no emotion rules

Timer doesn’t start until child is done with tantrum (unless they are 3 or younger, then just let them out when their time is up, start the count over if they continue to misbehave after they get out)

Child can go to room and read, take a nap, play legos, draw, etc. No phone, no friends, and no electronic entertainment.

Use same strategy if company is over

Send kid and friend outside if they both get counted to 3

Give child a hug after break time if they want one.

Should happen right when the offense happens. Do not give a break time an hour later for something. If you can’t give a breaktime right away then use a breaktime alternative.

What if kids wont go to break time?

Bring them to the room

Choose a breaktime Alternative (you can give them a choice between a couple consequences, you pick if they wont)

Reverse break time, you leave the room, walk around the house, don’t talk

If they won’t come out of breaktime, that is okay, just tell them when their time is up

What if they leave their room?

Add extra time

Switch to break time alternative

Doorknob cover

Locking the door

Tell them if they come out then the door gets closed

Break Time Alternatives

Loss of privilege or toy for a period of time, bedtime fifteen minutes earlier, forty cents off the allowance, no electronic entertainment for two hours, and so on.)

Earlier bedtime

No dessert or treat

No use of phone

No friend over

No conversation—fifteen minutes

Removal of DVD, iPod

Reduced computer time

Loss of TV for evening

Loss of electronic games—two hours

Monetary fine

Small chore—wash bathroom sink

Larger chore—weed yard

Write a paragraph

(Limited only by your imagination)

Make them fair and reasonable

Make the punishment fit the behavior

Child has a fit when dropping off at daycare.

Model behavior yourself

Make activity fun or add diversions or friendly challenges

Seven start behavior tactics

You can use one or use a combination of many.

Positive reinforcement

Cheering and applauding, praise

Elaborate for younger kids, heartfelt for older kids

Praise in front of other people

Unexpected praise

Three positive comments for every negative comment

Simple requests

“It’s time to start your homework”

Phrasing requests in a “matter of fact” tone

Try not to spring requests out of the blue, give them some warning

structure tasks into fixed routines

Kitchen timers

The docking system

if you don’t work, you don’t get paid

Charge them money for doing their chores

Natural consequences

let the big bad world teach lessons for you

“I’m sure you’ll do better next time!” (offer encouragement)

Charting

Offer rewards like staying up an extra 15 minutes for completing a chart

3-4 things to work on at one time for a chart

If they do good at something on a chart for a long period of time then replace it with something new

-trip for icecream

tokens

small toy

rent a game

outing with parent

shopping trip

sleepover

game with parent

no-chore voucher

camping in the backyard

card for a colelction

tech time

breakfast in bed

cash

rent a movie

grab-bag surprise

comic book or magazine

friend over for supper

choice of three reinforcers

reading a story with parents

sleeping with the dog or cat

special phone call

collection items

helping make and eat cookies

using a power tool