Pretending to be mad helped me not to be really mad, and playing instead of shouting helped her get ready faster!

Play serves our incredible—almost bottomless—need for attachment and affection and closeness.

Play to recover from emotional distress.

Transform, through play, disconnection into connection.

They may be annoying, obnoxious, or downright infuriating as they try desperately to signal us that they need more connection.

These situations call for creating more playtime, not doling out punishment or leaving the lonely child all alone.

When children feel isolated, they can look withdrawn and depressed. Or they might look hyperactive instead, unable to pay attention, sit still, or calm down.

We may focus on the annoying behavior, not seeing the pain underneath, or we see the pain all too clearly and feel helpless to fix it.

After just a few times playing this game, getting dressed on her own became a habit.

If I take into account the time I used to spend nagging, fussing, and supervising, then I really come out ahead.

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If children are too afraid of getting hurt, or expect to be rejected, or can't believe the world is theirs to explore, then they retreat.

Powerlessness is a well-defended fortress, perfect for hiding out, but it is also good for preemptive strikes: “I hate you."

When we see a child who is fearful, or violent, or out of control, we usually don't stop to put the pieces together. We don't think to ask ourselves if she had enough chance to play it through or talk it through.

Usually we just see the problem behavior, which angers or worries us so much that we don't think about using play to help solve it.

Play is one of the best ways available to heal from those hurts and to process that new information.

Happy play can spontaneously heal minor upsets, but when children are stuck inside their emotional distress, they have trouble playing happily.

They are locked in the towers of isolation and powerless-ness

Even the healthiest, best-loved children will retreat into these two fortresses when they feel scared, overwhelmed, or abandoned.

Think about when children are having a bad day.

Do they seem unable to play happily, and instead resort to hiding or attacking or annoying you? Are they just going through the motions of life, without any real joy or spark? Maybe they're stuck, repeating the same words or games over and over without any fresh ideas and without having much fun.

Perhaps their play is wilder than usual, or more reckless. These are signs of isolation and powerlessness.

Play is one of the best ways to engage with children, pulling them out of emotional shutdown or misbehavior, to a place of connection and confidence.

When we are exhausted or when we are at the end of our rope, we tend to think that play will be just more of an energy drain. But when we engage playfully with our children, we find that suddenly we do have energy, both for fun and for finding creative solutions to thorny problems.

Our children want us and need us to loosen up. I don't think it makes sense to leave the playing for others, who are “better at it.

And if we don't play, we miss out on more than fun. Play is where children show us the inner feelings and experiences that they can't or won't talk about. We need to hear what they have to say, and they need to share it.

Children don't say, “I had a hard day at school today; can I talk to you about it?” They say, “Will you play with me?” If we say yes, they play out what happened in the best way they know how.

Or they don't say anything, needing us to take the initiative.

If they don't think we will play, they may not even ask. They just go about their business, and we go about ours, and we all miss chance after chance to reconnect.

When you are dealing with a child, keep all your wits about you, and sit on the floor. —AUSTIN O'MALLEY, 1915

When we get disconnected from children—and we do, again and again—play is our best bridge back to deep connection with them.

Play is children's main way of communicating. To stop a child from playing is like stopping an adult from talking and thinking.

To control every minute of their play is like controlling every word someone says.

But to leave children all alone in their play is like spending the day with other adults and never talking with them.

The adult role in play can be quite minimal—just making sure of basic safety and being there if needed. Some of our most important parenting happens when we are in a different room, while our children play happily, knowing we will come when they call.

Children have a special need of more active participation from grown-ups:

• When they are having a difficult time connecting with peers or adults.
• When they seem unable to play freely and spontaneously.
• When things are changing in their life (the start of kindergarten, the birth of a new sibling, a death or divorce in the family).
• When they are in danger.

Set aside special playtimes with each parent that involved a great deal of playful physical contact.

Wrestle, have pillow fights, and have piggyback rides around the house, as well as more hugs and more cuddle time.

Children are often punished or ignored when they are already feeling excluded and lonely.

Children need our approval and enthusiasm first, before they can get out of a rut.

When we constantly tell children what they should or shouldn't do, they have no room to think for themselves and are forced to choose between resentful obedience or defiant rebellion.

Playfulness helps them think for themselves, even about serious topics.

When young people have had effective adult participation in play, they can then get even more enjoyment from playing on their own.

WHY IT'S HARD FOR ADULTS TO PLAY

We have lost much of our ability to play—through lack of practice, and through adult preoccupations and worries.

This loss gets in our way of being with children we have to choose to play, even if we don't really feel like it.

Times when we have the most difficulties in playing with our children:

• When children are not connecting well with us or their peers, we usually feel disconnected as well (which may make us sad, mad, bored, or irritable, rather than playful)

• When children's play is repetitive, aggressive, or inhibited, we usually want to punish them, ignore them, or get away from them—anything but join in.

• Transitions are hard for adults, too. We have even less time and attention for children when we are preoccupied with big changes in our lives.

• When our children are in danger, we may be too worried to be playful. (they might be in danger because we were not paying enough attention to them in the first place)

Then, just when they need us most—when they act up and misbehave and call us names and so on we get angry and punish them, or feel hurt and block them out.

We momentarily forget how fragile our little ones are, just as they forget about cooperation or sharing or calming down or following the rules.

I CALL IT FATHERING

If men do not keep on speaking terms with children, they cease to be men, and become merely machines for eating and for earning money.

Boys who wrestle around with their dads get along better with other children. Dads are famous for jazzing things up, throwing babies in the air, engaging in special-occasion play.

They also need for men to expand their repertoires—to cuddle, comfort, and play dress up.

Effective play leaders need to possess technical expertise and creative curiosity, knowledge of children, a sense of humor, leadership capability, and community involvement skills…. They need to know the basic principle of affirming children's play.

And children benefit from a thoughtful, respectful adult who can be seen as an ally rather than as the enemy.

The first thing to notice is what children need.

Do they need help figuring something out? Are they too sleepy or hungry to think clearly? Do two children need a break from each other for a while? Do they need to be outside where they can be louder and wilder? Maybe they need more attention.

Tell an interesting story from your day; they might respond with a story of their own.

Another mistake we make (I catch myself doing this frequently) is cutting them off when they are talking about “unimportant” things, or when they are chattering away about nothing, or when they are repeating themselves.

Then, later, we expect them to tell us what we want to hear.

That's not fair. We have to listen patiently to their way of telling things, even when it is excruciatingly dull to us, if we want them to get around to telling us the good stuff.

Understandably, they want to know that we are really listening and aren't going to interrupt them or scold them before they are going to share anything important with us.

The heartfelt connection we all yearn for is locked away within our everyday routine as parents, teachers, and friends.

When we join children in their world of play, we unlock the door to their inner lives and meet them heart to heart.

Disconnection can be a nightmare of painful isolation, withdrawal, and lashing out.

They retreat into towers of isolation when they feel lonely, afraid, or overwhelmed.

When everything is going smoothly, Playful Parenting is about having fun together. The rest of the time, Playful Parenting is all about drawing children out of their isolation.

The child's need for attachment with them is like a cup that is emptied by being hungry, tired, lonely, or hurt. The cup is refilled by being loved, fed, comforted, and nurtured.

Insecurely attached children are more likely to be reckless than truly adventurous. Their cup is empty, or nearly empty.

Between return visits for refills, children with a secure attachment can soothe themselves, can handle their emotions, pay attention, connect well with peers, and feel good about themselves and the world.

When they are with strangers or day-care providers, securely attached children “save up” their bad feelings for when they reunite with their primary attachment figure.

Securely attached children can get their cup refilled from friendships, from having fun, or from learning something new and interesting in school.

When children are bouncing off the walls think of them as racing around trying desperately to get a refill.

They lock the cap on their cups so they won't lose the little that is left, but then they can't get a refill very easily. Lacking confidence in the refilling process, they might refuse a hug, or refuse to go to bed, or refuse to sit and eat dinner.

Acting up and getting punished can be a way of getting a bit of a refill when it seems that a free fill-up is unavailable.

The usual response, to ignore these children, makes them only more desperate for a refill.

Children who seem to have leaky cups are annoying to adults.

The more you cuddle them, the more they cling to you; the more you give, the more they seem to need. They never get a full refill because their leaky cup can't contain everything they get and store it up for later.

Metaphor of the leaky cup also helps explain children who try to punch you when you go to give them a hug. Like drowning swimmers who fight off the lifeguard, they are so disoriented by being left empty that they react aggressively when you try to give them a refill.

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Their cups empty faster when they are yelled at, hit, neglected, or harshly punished

Children count on us for refills, and they feel hurt and betrayed when we knock their cups over instead

This betrayal is even worse when an adult actually

cracks a child's cup, through abuse or neglect. A cup with deep cracks in it is hard to ever refill. This child may need a full repair, which takes a concerted effort by parents and/or good therapy

most important thing we have to offer to our children is our ability to make them feel loved, respected, wanted, and welcome

attachment isn't just about being connected, it's about getting a big kick out of being alive and out of interacting with other human beings

a real refill can occur only between humans—not between a child and a television set or computer, no matter how “interactive” it may be

the key to secure attachment is responsiveness—a sensitive response to the child's needs by the caregiver

make goofy faces, give hugs, or provide a deep sense of safety and security

play to reconnect after connection has been severed

For very young children, mirroring is a perfect connection game: just do exactly what the baby or toddler does

Older kids love this game, too—in the nature of Simon says or follow the leader—as long as you are careful that they don't feel teased

engage their children age three, or six, or even older, in soulful eye contact

persist through the initial rejections, and get to that deeper level of closeness, they find it to be one of the most rewarding exercises.

climbed onto my lap and sat there. Neither of us said a word for more than half an hour

We were truly close. When everyone else came down for breakfast, I said, “Great talking to you.” We both laughed, but I meant it

With no

pressure to communicate my way—using words—we were able to connect just fine

boys are especially prone to feeling isolated. And, of course, their aggressive play tends to isolate them more

Hey, you found the love gun.

when I get shot with that gun, I just have to

love the person who shot me

And I opened up my arms wide and took a step toward him with a big, goofy, lovestruck grin on my face

putting my hand to my heart and making up bad poetry about my lifelong devotion to her

and when children's play turns to kicking, punching, biting, or spitting. “You got me with a love kick, now I have to hug you

Sometimes they'll say, “No, this is a hate gun.” I just say, “Oh, it must be broken because it's making me love you.”

this approach is only for aggressive play, not for situations when children want to directly express their feelings of anger or frustration.

In these cases, it is very important to

hear them out, to allow the feelings to come out, rather than try to cheer them up or cajole them out of feeling bad

holding them close rather than by sending them away

Whether playing or listening or holding, the key is to push for a close and meaningful connection

love gun has infinite variations: If they barricade themselves in a room, I slip love notes under the door and beg and plead to be

allowed in. If they laugh and start sending messages back, I know I'm on the right track. If they come at me with both arms swinging, I say, “Oh, you want to dance, I'd love to dance,” and I take both their hands and start dancing and singing

all of those behaviors adults find so annoying or

threatening are just attempts to make a human connection, but this game shows how true it is.

Chase, tag, follow the leader, and hide-and-seek are obvious examples. Play these games with your child—you'll not only have fun, you'll notice an

improvement in your relationship with them. One of my favorites is a game I call you'll never get away

say, “You'll never be able to get away from me, never in a million years!” The child comes over to check this out. I hold on to them, and after a little struggle I let them escape

To make it more interesting, I pretend not to notice

for a minute that they have escaped: “You see, you'll never get away…. Hey, how did you do that?

If they like it (and I have had success with this game with two-year-olds up to eleven-year-olds), I keep it up, saying, “Okay, you think you're so strong. This time I will use the famous Franklinheimer Maneuver; no one has ever gotten

out of that,”

With some children, I gradually increase the resistance so they must increase the effort it takes them to get away

they seem to thrive on the growing challenge

If they don't like to be held, I pretend to hold them with my “psychic powers” and dare them to try to

escape.

It works best when the adult provides the insistence on connecting, but the child actually sets the terms of how the two are going to connect

mother pointed out the need to connect but

didn't impose any particular way. Instead she listed some vague possibilities, just to explain the concept, until her son jumped in with an idea

Shhh, don't tell anyone my secret name—only my closest friends call me Stinker.”

Hey, you gave away my secret

name, waaah!”

You're a stinker, and I hate you.

Oh, I had a great time playing with you, too, and I really like you, too. It's hard to say good-bye.

The key to unlocking the tower was just translating his insult into a request for some connection.

wrote love notes and passed them under the door.

read them out loud to him. I would say, “I love you; please come out and play,”

Reconnection takes persistence. One of my nieces and I have a little ritual when I see her. I say hi to her, and she ignores me. I keep saying hi, in a relaxed and cheerful tone, until she says hi back. We then laugh about how many times it

took. Sometimes I'll try saying it in funny voices. I insist on contact, but it is a gentle insistence, not a harsh and punitive one. This is a good game for us because I love her feistiness (her favorite expression last year was “I don't want to, I don't have to!”), but I also want to make sure we connect. Eventually, we always do

When a child pretends to shoot you and says “You're dead,” try falling over dead, in a dramatic death scene, right on top of him. Grab his leg and beg him to bring you to a doctor. If the child squirms away, go into even more dramatic death

throes that bring you right back on top (as long as the young person giggles and enjoys the game, of course)

If your daughter calls you a stupid idiot, try being so stupid you can't tell her from a pillow, and try to take a nap on top of her

When preteens act cool, pretending you don't exist, ask them if you can have the gum they are chewing so you can get close to them any way you possibly can. That's guaranteed to get a rise out of them. (You don't have to really chew it if they do hand it over, unless you are a stickler for full authenticity.

Or start a pillow fight with them

or a

wrestling match

Even the most disconnected behavior usually leaves some window open somewhere for connection

They need to feel connected and confident before they can make any positive changes

get down on the floor and play what they want to play

With older children, tuning in may mean sitting with them and listening to the music they like and watching the movies they rent

Our first step was to have family cuddles

play creates an opportunity to express love and nurturing, gently repairing the wounds of earlier conflicts or upsets

The mom could say things to the stuffed animals she might not be able to say directly to the child, such as, “We had a hard day; I hope you have sweet dreams.

The child might say to one of

them, “You've been very naughty; you have to sleep under the bed,” allowing her mom the chance to say, “Oh, I think she feels real sorry and she could be in bed with the others; what do you think?

At the same time that I was trying to get her to exert her power and build her physical confidence, I was also encouraging her

not getting so caught up in the competition that you forget whose side you are on (theirs!

using an exaggerated, obnoxious voice, saying, “Why don't you just give up? You'll never make it to the couch.”

I went to

the power room and got more power.

she had discovered a self-sustaining source of confidence and power.

The power room is an example of using play—in this case, wrestling—to promote confidence

Playful Parenting helps children out of the traps of powerlessness and pseudo-power, tipping the balance in favor

of

true power, confidence, and competence

recognize and even enjoy the burst in independence, while providing the safety and structure of clear limits.

Powerlessness creeps in as a result of the setbacks children experience as they strive to feel confident and self-assured

They can't do things as well as their older siblings or their peers, so they feel frustrated. They are criticized and

punished and given grades, so they feel judged. They are flooded with messages about how they are supposed to behave, how they are supposed to look, what they are supposed to buy, so they feel inadequate.

The combined effect of these feelings leads children to retreat to the fortress of powerlessness, either down to the hidden

dungeons (passivity), or up to the battlements (aggressive pseudo-power).

games to play with these themes. When I am called a poopyhead, I say, “Shhh, don't tell everybody my secret name

Like clockwork, they shout out, to whoever may be listening, “Larry's secret name is Poopyhead!” I say, “Ha-ha—I was just kidding, my real secret name is Rice Krispies Cake”

the sillier the better, since the object is to

break the tension about name-calling with some serious giggling). “Larry's secret name is Rice Krispies Cake!” “No, no, I beg you, pleeeease don't tell anyone!” I've played this game with some children for hours.

The other game is just as simple. The child says some word that mom or dad doesn't want him or

her to say—usually a body part or a bathroom word or an obscenity. I say, “Well, you can say that all you want, but if you say Bobbledyboo you're gonna be in big trouble.” “Bob-bledyboo!” “Oh, ho, ho,” I say, “now you're in trouble.” I say this lightly

not in a mean, scary way, as I chase the child around the room

They not only giggle like crazy and love the game, but they actually stop being so obsessed with saying those other words

The poopyhead game lets children experiment with power—the power of words and the power to break rules. Instead of having them experiment on other children, which always causes hurt feelings, let them try out that name-calling and

bathroom humor on you. This helps us step out of the power struggle and into play

game was called stop and go, and it went like this: Dad started a few feet away, holding the nail scissors. He told her that when she said “stop,” he would stop immediately

and he

wouldn't go again until she said “go.” If she didn't say “go” after a short while, he could say it himself

but he would still have to stop when she said “stop.” She couldn't just say “stop-stop-stop-stop” real fast (this rule was added later, as she tried to test the limits of the game). When she said “stop,” he would stop in his tracks as if he were frozen

which always brought a giggle or two (already they were way ahead, since nail-cutting had never been associated with giggles before). When she said “go” he would inch toward her.

Eventually the nails got cut

and, even more important, they had fun. Stopping on a dime when she said “stop” built the trust that he

wouldn't hurt her or force her. Putting her in charge of his coming forward loosened up the whole situation

They conveniently forget the amount of time they are already spending fighting or pleading or being annoyed

I believe it is always worth the investment of time up front, even if your ultimate goal is to have to spend less time on these mundane activities

it can

become such a fun game that it no longer counts as a chore

Not protected from every little bump and bruise, but not toughened up either

If they are treated with tenderness and respect while they overcome increasingly difficult challenges, they are truly prepared for the world

You want him to enjoy himself; you want him to improve his skills; you want him to be a little competitive but not too competitive; you want him to be a good sport when he wins and a good sport when he loses; you want him to know that his peers aren't going to let him win like you

do.

start out letting them win, and then slowly play harder and harder. But it may go back and forth for a while, and even when children can beat you fair and square, they may still want to play by the “special rules” now and then

follow their lead

You may also need to spend some time directly on the child's feelings about competition

set up a game where they will always win, and pretend to be a ridiculous figure of a sore loser

Or brag

about how great you are, then miss every shot—whatever helps them laugh and release that feeling of life or death over the outcome of the game

Make up a game with a funny rule, like, “No hitting me with this pillow,” and then act goofy when they—surprise—hit you with it. “You cheated! Waaah

When I started trying a little harder on defense, he got nervous. He said, “Freeze,” and I froze in

place, while he dribbled around me and scored. I said, in a pretend-outraged tone, “Hey, how can I defend the goal if I'm frozen?” He said, “That's the rule, you freeze when I say so until I unfreeze you.

Nanny-nanny-boo-boo” when I had the ball and “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha” when he scored a goal

When children pass on this cruel teasing to me, my favorite response is to pretend to cry, in a very

fake way, “Waaah!” Kevin laughed a lot when I did that.

the winning and losing game

It can be any game at all, as long as there is playful use of the ideas of winning and losing

flip a coin, heads or tails; if you lose, go into a Shakespearean death scene because you lost. “Alas, my life is over henceforth, for it hath come up tails….” If

you win, announce that you are the greatest coin-flipper in the history of the universe; do a little victory dance, and then act real surprised when you lose the next toss

We're going to play the winning-losing game

Any game where the idea is to have fun with me losing or you losing or pretending it's real important who wins and who loses.”

I lose, I couldn't think of anything. Your prize is a cuddle,” and then give them a big cuddle (or at

least chase them around the house trying to give them one).

extreme emphasis on winning, losing, success, and failure has pervaded

childhood, even childhood play

Adults are famous for taking all the fun and playfulness out of learning swimming or math. Even worse is our tendency to criticize children

Criticism is a nasty habit, difficult to break. We feel as if we are being so helpful, but it is really no help. All it does is install a little voice in their head—or sometimes a very loud voice—that will criticize them ruthlessly and relentlessly for the rest of their lives

Children do this all the time—putting down their own work or their own abilities. And they often criticize each other mercilessly. (Of course they do—they learned it from us!) Sometimes, if we're lucky, they just need a little encouragement

a smile or a nod. This lets them ignore the critical voice and go on with their creative flow or their learning process.

if the critical voice inside stops them from even trying, if it convinces them to give up on drawing or soccer or math or horseback riding or writing poetry, then we have to do more. We have to insist that they keep at it

that the critical voice is not the truth or the last word. Faced with a firm contradiction—“I know you can do it… you're a great artist”—the critical voice will often make a last gasp for control

When we say this to children, they often cry or yell at us or insist they are stupid, they are bad at drawing, they hate math, they will never be good at sports

All we have to do is listen, and maintain our confidence in them, while they release these feelings. This may not sound too playful, but listening patiently to these outbursts is a crucial part of Playful Parenting.

The process of growing up and learning things and mastering new skills brings lots of frustration, and this frustration is

released by giggles (when you're lucky) or by tears (when it's too strong a feeling to come out in laughter).

play serves an especially important role

in children who have been traumatized

When children seem to be struggling, adults can facilitate their recovery of confidence by playing with them

Let's say you and your spouse have been

arguing a lot, and you're afraid it is affecting your child. But your child doesn't want to talk about it, and you're not sure how to bring it up. Next time you're playing house, you can make the mom and dad dolls argue with each other, in a kind of silly way. That gives the child the chance to pick up the theme, or drop it, whichever she wishes

have another doll tell the parents to make up, or she may say that she's running away from home, or give some other hint about her feelings

For an older child, whom you think may be struggling at school about rejection by the “in group,” you might say, “Let's start a Beanie Baby club and the other dolls want to join.” Anything the child needs

to master, playing a game about it can help

play “gives the child a safe space where she can experiment at will, suspending the rules and constraints of physical and social reality

We know that lectures don't really work, but we keep giving them anyway, just in case, because we aren't sure what else to do. A

A shared laugh is a big improvement over a moralistic lecture that falls on deaf ears

when the adult exaggerates and really hams it up, that almost always makes children laugh

Being goofy and silly usually gets

giggles, also

talk in a funny voice; don't talk at all if you can sing; don't stand up when you can fall over

pick up a stuffed animal or an action figure and make it say silly things in a humorous voice

The older children get, the bigger the challenge they pose in the giggling department. You can't just fall over or make a goofy face for a guaranteed response

experiment with being outrageous or with telling jokes

pretending to cry, in a very fake way, especially if they hit me or insult me

unexpected response is a basic technique of comedy

Children from four or five up through teens often like the sock game. Each person tries to take off

everyone else's socks while keeping his or her own on

all comics have tough audiences and days when they totally bomb

If you are having trouble, try being more

enthusiastic, more energetic, more wild than usual

young children may not get subtle jokes or high-brow humor. They are more likely to crack up by just the mention of the words fart or poop or butt

Ask children to try to get you to laugh—you'll get a good picture of what they think is funny

called the serious and solemn occasion. Each person takes turns saying, “This is a very serious and solemn occasion,” with a perfectly straight face, trying not to laugh

we often forget the importance of laughter. We are especially forgetful, or especially serious, when we are dealing with children who are being obnoxious or aggressive or

uncooperative, and when we have run out of patience and good humor

Stress doesn't help much either. But these are the very conditions when Playful Parenting is most useful

Laughing can be a sign of connection between people, a sign of successfully completing a challenging task, or a sign that a child no longer feels miserable or hurt

release fears and embarrassment and anxiety

use this technique of following the giggles to lighten up a conflict or a tense moment

Tickling may bring laughs, but if it involves holding children down and tickling them

against their will, don't do it

the tragic Shakespearean death scene

a child pretends to shoot you, or hits you, or sticks out his or her tongue, or says “I hate you, you're stinky,” and you grab your chest and fall over

right on top of the child, in a highly exaggerated and drawn-out death scene

love-potion game

is given a love potion in her eyes, which makes her fall madly in love with the first creature she sees, no matter how monstrous. That's exactly what children need: they feel monstrous sometimes, and they need to feel loved regardless of what they say or do. When

we engage with them on their terms

they can take off the monster mask and return to their true selves

one way to induce heavy giggling is by singing corny love songs, reciting corny love ballads, and making up corny compliments

Being on your hands and knees looking desperate helps with this one

love-potion game when children are trying to be gross—like when they're showing their half-chewed food or saying bad words. “Oh dear darling, that is the most beautiful sight I have ever witnessed. May I please get my sketch pad

and draw a picture of it to have forever

Sometimes all you have to do to get giggles is say “thank you” when you get insulted

If there are two adults available, pretending to fight over the child is always fun. “I've got the head.” “Ha-ha, I've got the feet, that's the best part.” “No, he's all mine, I love him so much.” This human tug-of-war is another example of a game that combines physical closeness and laughter

well as exaggerations of affection

in spite of how well we may love them, they often feel unloved or unlovable

Funny exaggerations of love and

affection are a good way for many parents and children to express their deep feelings for each other. It fills the empty cup, because the goofiness of it catches them off guard

Imitation, if it is done thoughtfully, can bring a terrific sense of closeness. If done in a mean-spirited way, it builds walls between people

You can tell which way it is leaning by whether the child giggles or not. Don't imitate children to annoy them or teach them a lesson. Instead, do it to join them, to follow their lead and express your

deep desire to be close to them. Laugh together

If we invite children to laugh at us during playtimes, they are

less likely to laugh at other people in a rude way. So fall down a lot and pretend to cry loudly, “Waaah

To help children with fears, for example, it often helps to play as if you are the one who is scared, and really exaggerate it

Make sure they don't feel mocked or humiliated

pretend that I am scared of everything

This type of play lets children get some distance from their

fear, and the distance allows them to release the fear through giggles

A less dramatic way to act incompetent is to play chase and let the child have one narrow escape after another. This game is even funnier if you pretend to be shocked and confused. “How did you do that? I had you! This time I'll really get

you.” Then you miss again, of course, unless they laugh harder when you catch them and then somehow accidentally let them slip away

Why is this so funny? The outrageous claims make the adult into a fool, which is funny enough, but especially since it helps them feel more powerful

Children often try to make each other

feel helpless, powerless, stupid, or incompetent so they don't have to feel that themselves

That usually ends in conflicts and upsets. No one comes out ahead when one child tries to feel powerful at another child's expense. This is another reason adults need to participate in this kind of play—so that children won't do it to one

another

By making their escape harder and harder, but still letting them get away in the end, I am playing at the edge of the child's development

If the real bathroom words or swear words bother you, make up your own words, make them “forbidden,” and then play at being shocked and horrified when you hear them.

One thing I do when I start to get a little bit frustrated with a young person, as an alternative

to saying “I'm going to send you to your room” or something like that, is to make a mock threat that lightens up the situation and turns it into play

If you do that one more time, I'm going to pour water on my head

I pick

up the glass of water, put it above my head, and they laugh. I don't actually pour it! They say, “Yeah, do it, do it!” But by then the whole tone has changed. Now we're both laughing instead of being frustrated and locked in combat.

But it's important to remember that this is a mock threat. Real threats and angry tirades lock in

frustration by scaring children, practically ensuring that they will shut you out.

Funny mock threats, especially if they are aimed at yourself, release frustration. Once that frustration is released, cooperation is much more likely.

Real threats communicate: I'm mad at you, it's your fault, and you had better shape up

The

predictable result is defensiveness and conflict

Mock threats mixed with humor can communicate: I'm not happy with how things are going between us and I want us to fix it

The result this time is a relaxing of the tension and a willingness to meet each other halfway

if you are too mad to play this little game, you are probably too mad to be making real threats, also.

To turn tense situations into play, try being light and a little outrageous. I find that it helps to pretend to scream when I want to really scream

Giggles can also be a part of making up if you have not been able to avoid a conflict

We refuse to laugh, as if our lightening up would be a reward to the child for bad behavior. But laughter is healing

for most difficulties between parents

and children, the real problem is lack of connection

so the solution is more connection

Playing dumb

lightens up tense moments

Boy, that was awfully mean. What's going to happen next?”

If I play the

heavy and give a lecture, they are going to forget what I have said in microseconds. They are taken by surprise with the village idiot approach, so they might stop and think about it

Children often feel stupid—either secretly or

not so secretly—and they long to see someone else look stupid for a change

I do this by singing funny songs, falling a lot, dancing around, and otherwise looking quite foolish

Captain Lex von Vader Hook

When children play the

good guy, they don't want the bad guy to be too powerful. So I started singing a song: “I'm Captain Lex von Vader Hook, I'm the dumbest bad guy in town….”

I made it clear that no matter what powers I had, or no matter what character he was, I would try to get him, but he would always win

I realize I am asking a lot of parents when I suggest that we lose our dignity. A lot of adults have a hard time just loosening up. We're expected to be serious at work and just about everywhere else, but our children are begging for

us to snap out of it and have some fun

ha-ha game

standing very close, face-to-face, heels off the ground, bouncing lightly on the balls of your feet. Each person takes a turn saying “Ha!” in a friendly voice, back and forth, until both are howling with real laughter

Try to have fun.

Setting aside time for high

energy fun, complete with giggles, can be a new way to meet everyone's needs. The hardworking mom or dad gets to unwind, the child gets some exuberant playtime, and everyone gets to reconnect.

Your children will be forgiving and patient, but

they do want you to loosen up

She's over saying she hates us, but we're not.” Saying this out loud eased our tensions, and we laughed about it.

sudden shifts—from giggles to tears or tantrums—happen because the child has a pile of backed-up feelings. She keeps the door to these

feelings tightly shut. The fun play opens the emotional door to let out the giggles, and a flood of other feelings come pouring out after

Once the tears start, they may last a long time. Very few parents realize how healthy it is for children to get this chance to shed some of that backed-up supply of uncried tears

We make the mistake of

fussing or yelling at the child, because the tears or outbursts seem to be over nothing

But old feelings latch on to the littlest excuse to come out from hiding, especially after a long fun playtime. If we can just sit with them while they are releasing these feelings, they will eventually emerge happier children

All the child needs is to be cuddled (if she is crying) or listened to quietly (if she is tantruming), or held gently but firmly (if she is kicking and fighting in a way that might hurt somebody). If you are prepared for these feelings

you can just relax and let the child express them and be done

If you aren't prepared, it is easy to get mad: “How dare you talk to me like that? I've been playing with you for an hour. Quit crying, don't be a baby.

But these feelings aren't about nothing, they come from deep inside, and one of the great side benefits of giggly playtime is that it

can let children feel safe enough to share them with us

She is using that bump as an opportunity to release old unfelt feelings, now that she feels safe and close from all that giggling

Often, all that is necessary is a brief pause to pay attention to that burst of feelings, then back to fun play—which becomes even more fun now that the child is no longer carrying that load of painful emotion.

Alexandra! I'm going to look at you!” I proceeded to put my eyes close to her elbow and her head (“So I can look at you really closely”), and to make my eyes bug out from the exertion of looking at her so hard. Both of us giggled the whole time.

a good school is one where you hear giggling and laughter in the halls and in the classrooms.

children learn

best when they are happy

children who are less physically active need roughhousing with adults so they can explore their physical power and develop their

confidence and assertiveness

story, in which a holy man, Milarepa, is not upset or scared by the presence of demons in his cave; he just casually offers them tea until they disappear. When children show us their wild and scary sides, we need to be as persistent as Jacob and as calm

as Milarepa. If we can stay with them, physically and emotionally, we will find the cooperative, loving, joyful human being who may have been buried under a pile of angry or scary or sad or lonely feelings. Wrestling with them can help them find their true selves again

They may need you to lose your dignity and be totally incompetent so they can feel powerful

Or you match your strength to theirs,

LARRY'S RULES OF WRESTLING

1. Provide basic safety.

2. Find every opportunity for connection.

3. Look for every opportunity to increase their confidence and sense of power.

4. Use every opportunity to play through

5. old hurts.

6. Provide just the right level of resistance to the child's need.

7. Pay close attention.

8. (Usually) let the child win.

9. Stop when someone is hurt.

10. No tickling allowed

Keep your own feelings from getting in the way.

No hitting, no biting, no punching, no kicking, no head locks

the child avoids eye contact, you might say, “Before we battle to the death, let us do the ancient warrior custom of looking each other deep in the eyes.”

child's crossing the line may not have to mean an end to the play. Rather, it is another opportunity for connection

set the limit in

a relaxed way, then return to the game or the wrestling

If verbal limits don't work, and the aggressive or dangerous or destructive behaviors continue, see if you can wrestle in such a way that no one gets hurt

Look for every opportunity to increase their confidence and sense of power

Use every opportunity to play through old hurts. For

if a child faced a difficult challenge earlier in the day and was not pleased with the outcome, she can replay it with you,

Provide just the right level of resistance to the children's needs

signs that something is amiss are lack of eye contact, giving up, blind rage, or the child's actually trying to hurt you

When the feelings are done

most children exhibit a remarkable change. They look deeply into your eyes, they smile and laugh, they want to try something that before they felt was too difficult

Usually) let the child win.

very minor scrape or bump can make some children (and adults) want to give up. They need respectful and gentle encouragement to give it another go

Even if you think the child is pretending to be hurt, it is still important to stop—in this case, to regroup and go slower or provide less resistance

fake cries and whimpers of pain are signs that the child feels overwhelmed and that things need to be toned down a notch or two.

No holding others down and tickling them against their will

Tickling can be confusing; the laughing seems to mean children are enjoying it, even if they may not be. So best to avoid it when you are wrestling

move toward them as if you're about to tickle, and then back off—you'll get the same laughter without the out-of-control feeling

Aim more for giggles from the child than for superhuman physical prowess

If you have feelings that you can't set aside, be honest about them (but be humorously honest, not brutally honest). In fact, the best thing to do is exaggerate them. “I am so tired, I can't stay awake another second. You'll have to get me onto the couch. If I wrestle one more second, I will surely

die.” “Waaah, that hurt, boo-hoo! You stepped on my toe. I will never be your friend again….” “If I don't win, I am going to sulk all day.”

you could kneel on the floor and say, “Try to knock me over.”

pretended to be an ox

I stood at one end of the room bragging about how strong and powerful and smart I was, insisting that she could never, ever get past me. Then she would trick me and somehow get across the room. I acted shocked and went over to the other side of the room to do it again. At

Part of the fun of this game was my taking a few seconds to keep bragging after she had already gotten past me. Children love it when you continue to brag after they've beaten you, especially if you exaggerate a double take of shock and dismay that somehow they have once again eluded your

grasp

when young humans

especially boys, play fight. They aren't just practicing aggression, they are practicing restraint and control as well

death scenes when the child says “Bang bang, you're dead,” or to introduce themes of nurturing (the army medic) and caring (the devoted soldier buddy) into the play.

some parents allow magical weapons such as wands and dragons' teeth, but not imaginary guns and bullets. Trying

to eradicate all aggressive play always backfires. Unable to play out the aggressive feelings that

they have inside, they may think that something is wrong with them, because they aren't ever supposed to feel angry or violent

Billy Goats Gruff—she takes great delight in butting and kicking the troll off the bridge

Games like Simon says, red light/green light, and so on aren't about aggression, but they are about control over impulses

Another idea is to have her bite something like a rag or a doll. Then the parent can say, “Okay, bite harder, bite softer, bite quickly, bite longer,” and so on. These rapid shifts that teach self-control are also fun.

One problem with TV is that after hours of sitting in school, children don't need more hours of sitting in front of a screen

In rare instances, TV can be a simple resting spot, and then the child can return to more interesting and creative play

saps the energy and enthusiasm and creativity out of children and leaves them semicomatose on the couch

bones heal faster than timidity and fearful-ness

how much better psychologically it was to give children piles of sand, sticks, hammers, nails, and wood, instead of games and store-bought toys (he would surely have railed against TV), despite the risk of injury

examples of how active physical play can help children:

Self-soothing. Self-soothing is the ability to comfort and calm yourself even if you are alone, and it is a major accomplishment of in-fancy—though many of us still have

difficulty with it

When children have a general difficulty in calming down or recovering from an upset, they need lots of cuddling time. But look at what happens: If children can't settle down, they can't get the cuddling they need. Boys are especially unlikely to get all the comfort

and cuddling they need because they don't sit still for it. Wrestling often helps them, since active children may do better with active cuddling than the sit-quietly-on-the-lap type of cuddling

When children have a hard time calming down, parents are often hesitant about

roughhousing. They are afraid that it will escalate, and that children won't be able to settle down. But these are the children who need it most. You can't learn to settle down if you never get revved up

Children with lots of energy who never get to roughhouse end up going wild when they do get the chance

because they don't have any practice with calming down

If you start to wrestle regularly, both parent and child will learn to do a better job of winding down

three deep breaths. I find it helps to do it with them. It helps them breathe more deeply, and it helps adults relax, too

Children with difficulties in self-soothing also benefit from pretend play with dolls, where they practice soothing the doll when it gets upset, by cuddling it or laying it down

for a nap

The parent can help by pretending to be the cranky baby, or by modeling nurturing, soothing behavior for children

setting aside several periods per day for a certain kind of play that he calls self-regulation. The basic idea is to have the child jump, run, swing, dance, do jumping jacks, or engage in any repeated rhythmic movement. Then you call out frequent, rapid changes: “Go faster, slower, slower, faster, superfast

Go right, go left, go right, go left…. Hop on your left foot, now hop on your right foot, now hop on both feet

This game, which most children find fun and which works very well in groups, is one of the best ways to make up for deficits in emotional regulation

innumerable variations. Hand a child a pile of blocks and say, very fast, “Sort by shape. Now sort by color. Now use your left hand.” If they like to sing, say, “Sing louder, now softer.” If they scream, ask them to scream their loudest, then a little softer, then a little softer, then

whisper, and so on

Self-soothing and paying attention are actually quite closely related. For example, it may look like Jed's problem is that he can't sit still in his fourth-grade class. He may join the ranks of boys diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. But perhaps the real

problem is that he can't soothe himself when he feels anxious or frustrated

Motor planning and sequencing. Some children have problems with what is called motor planning and sequencing, which may be seen in difficulty getting organized for school in the morning, or keeping track of assignments, or seeing a project through to

the end. To help this problem through the use of physical play, create an obstacle course, starting simple and making it harder as children master it

For older children, make a treasure hunt, with clues that lead to more clues. Once again, some activities that are more commonly played by girls, like

complicated hand-clapping songs or jump-rope games, are helpful in developing these skills.

Impulse control. Children learn to control their impulses through play

play out the situations where your child is impulsive. Just say “Let's play school.” “Let's play getting dressed and ready.” “Let's play that you want this toy real bad, and

won't share it with you.” “Let's play crossing the street—oh no, the little bunny almost got hit by a car.”

Let's pretend that you're the dad and I'm the daughter, and you're mad at me.”

lots of playtime that reverses the roles, suspends reality, and lets them be in charge

They need to take on the more powerful role—the hero, the princess, the perfect student

using play to come up with a new script and create a new, improved reality

he reversed the roles so that I was the one who couldn't be trusted, and he could be the one who was in charge of enforcing the rules

Role reversal is especially helpful for restoring children's sense of confidence—escaping from the tower of powerlessness—and for overcoming

fears and inhibitions

At times, children play out these roles on their own, and all they need from us is to be their stage manager or producer—providing the play space, the toys, the refreshments. Other times, they need us to be a responsive audience

A popular philosophy of child rearing suggests that the more we leave children alone the better; benign neglect will allow them to blossom and develop on their own. That might be fine if it weren't for the intrusive influence of our culture and the media

“I'll be the kid who gets sent to the principal, and you can be the principal,” I suggested, trying to set up the role reversal.

Excuse me, Mr. Sternly, the teacher sent me here, I'm not sure why; maybe because I turned everything in the classroom over, including the teacher and all the desks and the fish tank.

And the kids?”

Yes, and the kids, I turned everything over because I didn't get to use all the blue markers like I wanted to. What's my punishment?”

I made a big show of falling myself, all four limbs and ski poles and skis up in the air, aiming in different directions, shouting about snow getting in my underwear

reversed the roles and became the less competent skier

That left her in the position of being relatively good at it, which gave her a burst of confidence that let her enjoy it

Unfortunately for my wounded dignity, lectures and coaching didn't help at all. It took a more playful response

to cut through her feelings of incompetence

What I usually do with older siblings, or any older or stronger children who are picking on smaller ones, is to say to them, in a mock-threatening voice, “Hey, pick on someone your own size.”

put up my fists in a parody of a fighter's stance, waiting for them to come after me instead of their victim

Of course, I never beat them up! More often I run and hide under a pillow, or let them flip me over, or do something else to get their giggles going

Other times, I wrestle hard with them, giving them more of a run for their money

than could the smaller child, who could only whine or tattle or scream to get even

them (even if they've just finished clobbering a littler child). Give them, in a gentle, playful way, the idea that they are not the boss of the world. And at the same time, give them the idea that they can be powerful without hurting anyone smaller

STORYTELLING TO HEAL FEARS

Scared children need a way to heal from their fears

One way that helps is to tell the story of

what happened to them, either in words or by acting out the story in play

children sometimes forget the details of scary events or refuse to talk about them, because it is too painful

They may need

some gentle reminders of the incident from an adult, in order to finish dealing with it and put it away

Adults, like children, often wish they could just forget about terrible things that happen. But shoving it under the rug is not the same as really dealing with it and putting it behind us

The point of

having the child tell the story is to allow her to discharge the feelings connected to the memories and experiences. Without this venting, the feelings leave a residue in the child's mind that will haunt her later

Parents need to talk to each

other about the joys and difficulties of parenting, and especially to share the incidents and feelings that seem too painful or embarrassing or scary to tell.

Telling stories is also a way to tap playfully into the themes that are important in children's lives. These stories work best when they are thinly

disguised versions of the truth

but different enough to make it safe

make up stories that touch on the right themes and feelings without hitting too close to home

some stories are just stories and don't have to be related to the child's life.

Good stories are just the right blend of fact and fiction. They

As children grow older, we can shift from telling them stories to listening to their stories

With children who are around ten or twelve, I love to

ask them to tell me their life story

Resist the temptation to butt in with your own perspective on the story, or with extra details that you remember, unless they ask you

For younger children you can start the story for them, and ask them to add whatever they remember, or imagine

Telling stories together is a great way to make sure the story is neither too far a field nor too painful

Joint storytelling simply means that every once in a while you ask the child for ideas on how

the story should go.

Sam Roth told me about a boy whose favorite game was joint storytelling, where the child would create terrifying dangers for the hero, while Sam would have to figure out ways to save him

The boy was

symbolically finding the right distance for talking about fears and worries he could not talk about directly; Sam was symbolically talking about safety and security.

It is important to let them be in charge of this emotional distance, because they are deciding how much they can handle

Children who

have specific fears, for example, are likely to need our help. Most children will not make up pretend games on their own to deal with these fears; instead, they will just avoid the thing they fear

If they are afraid of bees, or the water, they may stop wanting to go outside, or refuse to go swimming

If an adult initiates a fun game about it, children can gain confidence that their fears can be overcome.

if a child is afraid of bees, you might say, “You be a bee and I'll try to run away from you.” Let yourself get “stung,” and then scream

Or you say, “I'm a bee and I'm going to sting you,” but you

play the part of a klutzy, incompetent bee. Somehow you end up stinging yourself every time, instead of the child

Or you keep bumping into walls and falling over on the floor. Anything to get the child giggling about something that used to be too scary even to think about.

people don't learn best when they are humiliated. Taking on the fear myself seemed to unstick the fear

little bit, like putting oil on a rusty hinge

I have seen many parents allow fears like this to go unchecked forever, limiting the child's activities, out of an effort to protect them from

feeling scared if they are forced to face the scary thing again. Other parents ignore the fear, forcing the child to sink or swim. Playful Parenting provides a middle ground, a more effective solution than either of these

Naturally, it involves a playful attitude and attention to closeness and confidence

reverse the roles, to be the incompetent one who can't swing. I find that it is often better to play at being incompetent instead of pretending to be fearful, since that seems to let the child loosen up and laugh about

it more

So, you say, “I am the best swinger ever, no swing is too tough for me, I know everything there is to know about swings,” and then you act as if you can't tell the difference between a swing and a slide. Or you can't even get on it properly. Or you fall off.

Meanwhile, hopefully, the child is laughing his head off, and/or giving you

instructions on how to do it properly, which, of course, you bungle

As always, be on the lookout for signs the child is feeling teased or made fun of, and if this seems to be the case, apologize and switch gears right away

we are going to work on getting over the fear of swings.

Maybe it's no big deal to be afraid of swings, but who needs a life filled with restrictions like that? On the other hand, if you say, “You're going on the swing and that's

final. If you cry about it, you're never going to the park again,” you may win the battle, but you're on the way to losing the war. Children who end up being reckless daredevils—mostly boys—have buried their fear and have to continually prove to themselves that they aren't afraid, so they do increasingly dumb things

The middle ground is to mention casually that you want to help him get over his fear of swings

You have become the director and stage manager, overriding his avoidance of swings, but not so much that he freezes up or shuts all systems down.

At the right distance—which may be just outside your front door or twenty yards from the

swing or right beside them—there is an invisible boundary that represents exactly the border between avoiding the fear and being flooded by it

This is the edge (it may not always be at the same place even for the same child). This is where the work of using Playful Parenting to heal fears takes place. At this edge, when you say, brightly, “Let's

go on the swing,” the child's response may be trembling or screaming or laughing

They may burst into tears, or break out in a cold sweat. That's the signal you're at the edge. That's good! Don't panic. Listen to the feelings, but don't force them forward or let them give up. Just keep relaxedly saying, “Let's go on the swing. Let's go

one step closer. How about if we touch the swing?

The child has to trust that you won't trick him and make him get on before he is ready

Be prepared. This may take a few minutes or a few hours, and it may all happen at one sitting or over the course of several playtimes. Gradually, you inch toward the goal, with lots of encouragement

scream breaks. Pause the movie and give a pretend scream, which will usually be followed by giggles.

This break lets some of the feelings out, like the valve on a pressure cooker

If children are having trouble with friends, try simply saying, “Let's pretend that we're friends.” See what happens

With one young boy, I made up a game called Larry's School of Nonsense and Goofiness, because he never would have wanted to go along if I had said, “Let's play kindergarten

for example, “I hate you,” or “You're stupid.” The parent feels outraged or rejected. But the children are not going to curl into your lap and cry, “No one likes me,” even though that's what they really mean. We have to read between the lines and understand that they are telling us

we might say, “Waaah, Joey called me stupid. Waaah, no one likes me.” Or, “You can call me stupid, but you'd better not call me Wiener Schnitzel.”

Once a fantasy game has

started, play your part with gusto, and thicken the plot

hurting other people isn't helpful, but playing at it can be both fun and educational—in the sense of learning to manage aggressive feelings and impulses.

Their own imagination is overpowered by the intensity and the repetition of what they see on the screen

some children will get creative even with the most uninspiring toys, but often it takes some adult help to get the play unstuck from the same exact characters, scenarios, and outcomes

Most toys are junk, by which I mean they can do only one thing, over and over. Great toys, like good dramatic play, allow children to make the world their own and allow full expression of their creativity.

you can't successfully ban games based on TV shows, especially war play or weapon play. You can try to ban it, but they are very likely to become obsessed with the idea of it, because it is forbidden

they need to play these games in order to figure out what those

images and stories mean to them

By playing with them, we can help children rediscover their own stories, their own characters, their own source of imaginative play

Pretend to be wounded and see if you can get the child to be a nurturing medic for a minute instead of a soldier or superhero

In the same way that toy guns can inhibit children's creative play, graphic images of sex and

violence can overwhelm children's imaginations. These images replace children's own creations, the ones they come up with in their own minds

with a mass-produced and overly stimulating imitation

Watch TV and movies with them, and stop to discuss the things you see. Play games based on what you've watched, but twist things around a bit

Play the

role of the cheerful idiot who is entranced with Power Rangers, or who tries to imitate the dancers in heavy-metal rock videos

Through billions of dollars in marketing, the corporations of the world write a master script for our children, with one and only one role for them to play: the consumer

my daughter saw a video at a children's museum about truth versus deception in television advertisements aimed at

children

Ever since, she has been wisely skeptical about claims made in commercials

This is another type of role reversal

The media aimed at children are so much more exciting and enticing than we'll ever be. So children tune us out, and we respond by tuning them out

David Elkind, famous for his book The Hurried Child

talks about the way this

media-driven consumerism affects our children

What characterizes contemporary capitalistic societies, particularly the United States, is the exploitation of children as consumers. Toy and clothing manufacturers and the music and movie industries now view children and youth as a vast market.

Because of the way girls tend to be

inhibited from exploring, they need help in spreading their wings, exploring the wide world, and discovering their own power room. Because boys are so often left alone with their feelings and deprived of the comforts of cuddling and nurturing, they need extra help in putting down roots.

If the adults thought the child was a girl, they went to get her sooner when she cried, and they interacted with her more. If they thought it was a boy, they waited much longer to comfort the

crying baby, but they encouraged more exploration and more gross motor activity

no wonder that later on, boys are more likely to be punished while girls are more likely to be overprotected

Girls are comforted, but are not usually encouraged to explore or take risks; they need Playful Parenting that builds empowerment and confidence. Boys are allowed to explore and are actively encouraged to be daring, but they are left alone when they are scared or lonely or sad

as they get older, they are not just left alone but punished for expressing these feelings

When I talk to groups of adults, I often ask what annoys or aggravates or bewilders them about boys. It is no wonder that the answers, especially

from women, come back loud and clear: “They don't talk.” “They're closed up.” “They don't share how they feel.” The answer is simple: connect, connect, connect. Do it as playfully as possible, but do it. For girls, the answer is just as straightforward: empower, empower, empower

Let's work it out together.”

Inborn sex differences are real, but they are quite small.4

Parenting, culture, and education can either minimize or exaggerate these small biological differences. In our society they tend to be exaggerated.

girls who engaged in more stereotypical feminine play as young children did worse than other girls in math and science in school.5

We can only speculate about the long-term effects on boys of being limited to certain toys.

unrealistic and distorted expectations about how girls should look, and about what is pretty, lock many girls into a fortress of powerlessness

Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia, talks about how girls experience a significant drop in self-esteem within minutes of thumbing through fashion magazines

If your daughter reads those magazines, go through them with her. Don't let the images play

out their seductive games without some input from you, some grounding in reality

How can engaging in play help your daughter be empowered? If you sit on the floor and play Barbies with her, you can shake things up a bit. Be wild with the dolls: dance them around, dress them up oddly, make them say outrageous things

I like having one doll play up the sexist stereotypes that the dolls are based on, while another more powerful doll stands up to it. “I'm the femininity police, and you aren't being ladylike!” “Shut up and leave me alone; I like to run and jump, and you can't stop me.” I

try to introduce plots that are different from the love

and romance and marriage scenarios that are the staple of girl-oriented games and movies

encourage girls to be adventurous, loud, strong, physically powerful, and assertive. We need to fight the notion that strong women and girls are not proper females

This may require, especially for mothers, that we take a close look at our own

upbringing, and our own inhibitions about wrestling or rough-and-tumble play

All children can use a hand with being more confident and being powerful in a healthy and constructive way

I insert a little reality into the play here and there

Ouch, that must hurt!”—and I insert as much closeness as possible. I fall over dead on top of them if I get shot, cower behind them if an enemy is nearby, take any excuse to be physically and emotionally close.

With both boys and girls, the Playful Parenting approach is to join in first, then gradually lead them out of the spot where they

are stuck

If we lecture them, or refuse to play a game because it is too violent or too girly, they shut us out

We wouldn't like it if someone told us our favorite activities were stupid.

If we leave them alone to figure out all this confusing stuff about being male or being female, they really aren't being left alone at all

if we leave the scene, they are told how to behave and how to look and what to think by marketing departments, advertising agencies, and the entertainment industry

Competition is an area that is confusing for

both girls and boys, and for their parents. Girls may give up on trying their hardest, or may not be able to enjoy a victory, because they feel bad for the losers. Boys, meanwhile, are expected to care more about winning than about friendships or feelings

Boys are supposed to sacrifice relationships and emotions in favor of competition and victory, while girls are supposed to sacrifice individual achievement in favor of not hurting anyone's feelings

Boys use teasing, and even hitting, as a way of being close to one another, especially since more direct ways of expressing affection are forbidden to boys after age three or four

the answer is somewhere in between

With our help, boys can be as well connected as they are powerful, and girls can be as empowered as they are connected

Help them learn to draw more interesting things. Draw together to help them out of the lonely corner where the stereotyped drawings repeat in an endless loop.

Exaggerating or playing with these differences also helps loosen things up. “Aw, you drew a love battleship; how cute. All those guns poking out of it are so

precious….” “Oh no! That rainbow shot me with a heart dart; I'm bleeding.”

Since most boys have been pressured not to cry, or have gotten in trouble with their peers for crying, I made up a character called Never-Cry-Man. I say, with a dramatic flourish, “I am Never-Cry-Man; I never cry,” and then I burst into fake

tears at the drop of a hat.

With girls I will play a character who is a parody of girliness, who lives and breathes for fashion and hair design

Or I play the role of a handsome prince who cares only about what the girl dolls look like. He's a very funny sexist pig who provokes laughter

and lets girls reject the timeworn stereotypes

games loosen up the absurd images that the media try to lock into our children's brains.

boys face extra obstacles in reconnecting. Because of how boys are treated, they are more likely to have difficulty expressing feelings, showing that they've been hurt, looking vulnerable, maintaining intimate

relationships, and giving or accepting tenderness

Unfortunately, these are exactly the ways to get out of that tower of isolation

Their empty cups weren't the result of negligent parenting but of our society's mistreatment of boys

playing more with our sons isn't the only answer, but it is a significant start.

The starting place is emotional connection. Empathy, emotional intelligence, kindness

some of the things that would help boys connect are considered “girl things”: cuddling; playing with baby dolls; reading and writing poetry; practicing music, art, literature, drama, singing, dancing. Some boys do these things, but they are much more common and much more encouraged in

girls

Some of these activities focus on communication. In order to help boys to talk more, play simple word games and language games.

fortunately/unfortunately, where one person starts a story with, “Fortunately…” and the other person says the next line, starting with

Unfortunately…” You go back and forth telling a tale of disaster and rescue

two important themes for most children

Another great game, which doesn't require words, is squiggle

One person starts a drawing, making squiggles that

don't look like anything in particular. The other person has to finish the drawing, making it into something. You take turns being the one to start. The idea of these play activities is to practice the building blocks of communication

Don't expect to leapfrog directly to deep conversations

parents recently

who were eager for their nine-year-old son to talk to them more. I suggested ways for them to listen to him on his turf—nonverbal communication

So rather than insisting that he tell them details about his school day, they asked him to give it a thumbs-up or thumbs-down

He loved that, and started adding more elaborate gestures

A former

power struggle became a cherished family ritual

I took off my coat and covered up the screen with it

You are so good at this, I bet you can do it without looking.” He was excited by this idea, and I told him I'd tell him which direction his enemy was and what was happening on the screen

to help boys connect, you can play anything at all, especially games that require some interaction. Even better, play what they want to play. You can't communicate the idea that what they want to play is stupid and violent and antisocial, and then expect them to talk to you

about their inner feelings

Another set of games focuses directly on emotions. Make a facial expression, or find some good ones in a magazine, and play name that feeling

Ask them to make a scary face, a sad face, a scared face. Respond with a complementary face (that is, comfort the sad face, recoil in horror

from the angry face

Get into fantasy play with them, and have your character express feelings through words and actions. Don't be subtle. Boys usually love it when a grown man pretends to cry in an exaggerated way

Boys in our society are famous for having problems with paying attention and sitting still

many attention problems in boys are really attachment problems

They have more to do with the boy's cup being empty or leaky than they do with any inability to process information

No one can process information properly or pay attention

well if they don't have the secure base of good attachment

Stanley Greenspan writes: “The active, energetic child soon learns to seek in stimulation the satisfaction he cannot find in intimacy.

all that racing around makes him hard to be close to. Thus, the impulsivity and scattered quality of some boys

diagnosed with ADD may simply be a side effect of a deeper problem, an inability to connect

My favorite tactic with teenage girls is to say, “Okay, your turn.”

I tell them that they can talk about anything they want, or we can go anywhere they want. Then I wait.

Powerlessness in boys often masquerades as

strength, because boys have to look tough and strong, no matter how they feel inside

With crying girls they were more likely to give comfort; with crying boys they were more likely to scold

game called the designated screamer. This game is designed to help children who stoically tough it out when they get hurt

started jumping up and down, pretending that my leg was in extreme agony. He asked me what I was doing

and I explained that I was the designated screamer

She wanted to see if I would follow her lead, and once I did, she could see I was on her side. Then she was ready to connect and do something fun together.

When you are “listening” to a child's play, you have to treat everything as if it's communication, including throws and kicks of a football

saying yes to whatever they want to do and setting aside specific occasions for what I call PlayTime

HOW TO FOLLOW A CHILD'S LEAD

1. Just say yes

2. Do whatever they want to do

3. Be safe (but don't worry too much)

4. Set aside PlayTime

5. Take time to recover

JUST SAY YES

Following a child's lead means that every once in a while (as often as we can handle it), children

need us to be hugely enthusiastic, to say yes in a booming voice instead of the constant parade of no

jumping in does not help them

develop their own good judgment. They simply have to discover certain things for themselves, and the best way for them to do this is with our encouragement and support

try breaking out of the automatic habit of saying no all the time

If they suggest something ridiculously dangerous, and you respond with an enthusiastic, “Hey, that's a cool idea, let's try it,” they will probably say, “No! That's dangerous.” If

they suggest something that is harmless but seems impossible, try not to jump in and say so. Try saying, “Great idea. I

wonder how we could make that work.” They just might figure it out, to your surprise, and at the very least they will think it through for themselves.

Saying yes instead of no does not mean hiding how you feel. Saying yes to something doesn't mean you have to pretend to like it! If you hate a certain game, it is okay to say you

hate it, but instead of just saying, “No, I won't play that with you,” try humorously begging and pleading not to have to play it.

Just saying yes means having a basic attitude of acceptance rather than rejection, approval

rather than disapproval

Be animated as you play: use gestures, your voice, and facial expressions. Be enthusiastic, racing after the ball if you're playing catch, throwing yourself into your character in fantasy play. Be sure to take stock of your own feelings, especially

depression and anger, since these emotions make it hard to match children's pace and tone

Be warm, inviting, supportive. Now, I don't expect you to do this every minute you are with children; it would be nice, but it's a little unrealistic

set aside

certain times to really try on this attitude, even if it's just for a few minutes at first

hours of half hearted, lethargic, resentful interaction is less helpful

that a shorter time of full-throttle play

once they get some of this type of playtime, they will usually be less demanding of every minute of your attention the rest of the time

But most situations in life aren't so drastic that children can't be allowed to figure them out on their own. It's like doing children's homework for them: the answers may be right, but they haven't learned anything

instead of saying

That won't work,” try saying “Let's try it and see.”

they will see you as an ally instead of a naysayer

look inside to see if you are saying no out of your own feelings of discomfort or because it is really necessary

Patty Wipfler

I recommend her writings

very highly

Following children's leads and doing whatever they want to do are the cornerstones of what she calls Special Time

The times when we can relax, play and connect with our children are at the heart of our precious relationship with them. But relaxed time for

parent and child to share their love is always in short supply…. ‘Special time' is an excellent tool… an active form of listening, in which your child's play becomes her vehicle for telling you about her life….”2

Unfortunately, when we say, “I don't want to play,” they hear that as, “I don't want to join you in your world.

No wonder they then

say to us, “I don't want to go to school…. I don't want to go to Aunt Margaret's….” They are just saying they don't want to go to our world either. The more we join them in their world, the more cooperative they'll be when we drag them along to ours

And we can't just sit there like a lump while they play, either, much as we'd like to after a hard day. They need us to be active participants in the play, just like listening requires active attentiveness. We don't share our innermost selves with people who stare out into space

while they are talking to us, or look constantly at their watch, or keep changing the subject. It can be a challenge to be an active participant in play, while still following their lead

the more we let them take the lead, the more children have room to try out new things. These new things might be

physical challenges, like finally trying the monkey bars or the high diving board, or they may be emotional challenges, like asking someone to be their friend or talking about a bad experience in school

SET ASIDE PLAYTIME

set aside an hour or two where the child is completely in charge

The parent or some other adult sets aside regular one-on-one time with a child. The adult offers the child undivided attention with no interruptions and with a clear focus on connection, engagement, and interaction

more enthusiasm, more joining, more commitment to closeness and confidence, more fun, a more welcoming attitude toward their feelings, more willingness to put one's own feelings aside, more active and boisterous play

set

aside specific time and calling

it PlayTime

You might, in fact, just want to start with ten or fifteen minutes

each child has regular one-on-one PlayTime with a parent

his fantasy games are always about aggressive dinosaurs, be a dinosaur that gets hurt and ask the child's dinosaur for help. Even if he refuses, you are at least starting a dialogue about dependency and empathy, not just about aggression

Rule-breaking is a good theme to

introduce for most children. I love to

make up wacky rules and then pretend to be upset when children break them, or have them make up rules for me—with appropriate punishments

exclusion and inclusion

wanting to be included by the group, but they are all too willing to exclude others. We can't just order children to be nice and then walk away. We have to stick around and help children figure out the actual nuts and bolts of including and

what to do when children exclude or feel like excluding.7

Having the child's dolls or stuffed animals act out exclusion and rejection is my favorite way to introduce this theme

Birthday party lists are not a time to empower children; they are a time to guide them, especially when it comes to exclusion based on race or class, or exclusion of a scapegoat or outcast

Children also need to be pushed to overcome

their resistance to differences of any kind

The idea is to get the child giggling about the whole issue rather than to give a thinly disguised lecture. It may seem funny, but those giggles actually help the

child think better about the topic

Taking the lead in play also means having an attitude that anything can be fun. Chores

errands, cleanup, drudgery—why shouldn't these be as fun-filled as playing?

bribes backfire, making it even less likely that children will want to do something on their own initiative

three key themes lurking underneath every wild rumpus: dependence-independence, aggression, and sex.

different version of disconnection. They can't

connect with anyone but mom, or with anyone new, or with their peers

A very different Playful Parenting approach to excess dependency is to reverse the roles so that you grab on to children and cling to them for dear life. Children who cling are used to being sent away, and they dread it

When we are the ones who cling, letting them be the ones eventually to squirm away from us, they can notice the connection instead of focusing on the separation

she could never relax because she knew

that as soon as she fell asleep I would leave

if we cling to them, they can be in charge of when to separate

They need to balance all their new accomplishments with some extra closeness

any increase in expectations or responsibility should be accompanied by an increase in playtime together

If your four-year-old climbs into the baby carriage when the toddler

climbs out, say in a delighted voice, “What a marvelously enormous baby! I've never seen anything like it. Goo-goo-goo baby.” When the child talks, exclaim how amazing it is that a tiny baby can talk. Soon he'll get out of the carriage and show how he can run, jump, etc

His cup

gets filled by the brief excursion into babyhood

We have to protect them, but we also have to let them spread their wings a little

Sometimes all we need to do is relax and not hover so much, trusting that they will be safe enough, even if we can't guarantee 100 percent safety.

Other times we just need to find safe

ways for them to practice their independence

We can also loosen up about things like mess, noise, and bathroom humor, if those things bother us. Power struggles disappear if we don't fight over them

let them make more of their own decisions

Most children love games that let them make and break silly rules. So invent a rule—like no giggling or no blinking—and then make a big

pretend fuss when they break the rule. This gives them a chance to giggle about an area of their life that is very challenging

Sometimes children will want to use their PlayTime to be completely in charge of the rules. They may want you to follow the rules exactly, or they

may want you to break the rules and be punished

Adult involvement is crucial here, because other children will never allow your child to have so much power. When children try to control the rules with one another, it doesn't usually go over very well

parenting goes much smoother if we cheerfully obey orders during PlayTime. It helps them cheerfully follow our rules at other times.

Emma's Rules Monopoly

she asked me if she could make up some rules

On the contrary, being in charge of the play and the rules fills children's cup—and that refill then leaves them more able to play happily on a level playing

field with their peers

helps them play out their tensions and upsets about the confusing world of games, rules, and competition

We can help this process along by exaggerating (in a funny way) the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

Just to make it more confusing, sometimes children have their cup filled by not being given a special break. Sometimes they like to be treated as one of the big kids or one of the grown-ups, and to have to play their hardest to keep up.

have conversations about sex, answering their questions simply and honestly, and to reduce their exposure to provocative movies, television, or nudity at home

Some

children have no trouble with mild nudity or sexual material; others are disturbed by it.

the parents were worried about their six-year-old daughter's frequent masturbation. I thought they were handling it very well. They didn't

freak out or punish her or forbid it. They asked her to do it in her room and not when other people were around.

We want them to know that it's okay to be curious, to not know something, to be scared and confused.

Any kind of physical play, from playing sports to wrestling to running around outside, can help children dissipate their excess sexual energy

Sometime when things are going smoothly, and you have slightly more attention to spare

than usual, invite your child to do the things you can't stand

If your children are driving you nuts with their sibling rivalry, for example, ask them: “Could you guys please have a fight?”

Or tease each other, or take things from each other, or fight over who gets your attention, or complain about who got a bigger piece of tofu, or whatever drives you crazy.) “Would you do that for me? I'll watch and take notes.” Usually they won't actually do what you ask, but if they do, just pretend to be a news reporter. Watch

with great interest, ask questions, ask them to

do it again so you can study it

The idea of inviting behavior that you hate is that it gives the difficult situation a playful twist. This twist usually lets the adult think better about how actually to handle the situation, and it catches children off their guard. “Instead of

taking the garbage out tonight, could you sit like a lump in front of the TV for a few hours?” “I'm in the mood for a big argument about what time bedtime is tonight; what about you?” The invitation is a way of following children, since you are responding to their usual behavior, but

it is also a way of leading, because you are turning the whole family dynamic upside down

If children start being obnoxious before you

have a chance to invite it, you can still play this game. “Hey, I see you guys are fighting! Can I watch?

You can provide a running commentary, a play-by-play, about

whatever it is they are doing

The play-by-play narration can also be a good way to express what we are thinking and feeling in a playful way. So often we either hold everything in or we scream it all out. Neither of those is very satisfying—or very effective. Try expressing yourself playfully instead:

If emotions are not expressed freely, either the emotion is locked away, creating all kinds of problems as children grow up, or the emotion leaks out in indirect ways

Many people will do anything to get the crying to stop: bribe, threaten, tease, plead, scold, send the child away, give in to unreasonable demands. If we just accept the feelings and let them flow, they don't cause half as much fuss

Some children won't tell the story on their own, so we need to ask them. Then, since the story is

probably very short, we can ask them to tell it again. Most children love that; it signals that we really care about what happened to them

when you repeat a story over and over, it loses its sting

If the child is too young to tell the story, or doesn't want to, you can try telling it to

them

I recommend that parents not send their children to their rooms to cry alone, or leave them alone to cry themselves to sleep

It is more time-consuming

to stay with them, to help them let out their feelings of loneliness and sadness, but those feelings don't just go away because we shut the door on them

I am starting to see eight-, nine-, and ten-year-olds in my practice whose parents followed the advice to “let them

cry it out” when the children were babies. These infants were seen as manipulating parents into cuddling with them or lying down with them to sleep. These children now are having trouble sleeping through the night because of fears, nightmares, and worries

parents are sometimes too overwhelmed with their own feelings of loss to be very helpful to the children. In both of these circumstances, it helps to have other adults available for

children to talk to and play with—adults who aren't involved in the family emotions.

If your child throws tantrums, go ahead and answer the italicized questions yourself.

What do you think the child is trying to express through the tantrums?

After a tantrum, is your child happier, more relaxed, confident, connected, cooperative, or engaged?

If they can't express their frustration, or if they are

punished for having a tantrum, it continues to interfere with their happiness, their ability to cooperate, or their achievements.

sometimes all we need to do is let one or two tantrums run their natural course, all the way to completion, with no attempts to interrupt it

Then the children may stop throwing tantrums because they finally feel as if they have

really been heard

staying near the child instead of sending him away or leaving him alone or pestering him with questions and solutions

remain emotionally available even while firm in their position of denying something, tantrums can also teach a child that he will not be left alone in his ‘dark night of the soul.

What is the family's usual reaction or

response to the tantrum?

try not to say no if you aren't willing to stand by it just because of a tantrum

tantrums may help us realize that we didn't have a very good reason for saying no

we don't want to give in to the tantrum. We need to be willing to change our minds if our no was unreasonable

Children in the midst of a tantrum are flooded with feelings, and they feel out of control. They need a loving human being

near them—maybe not within kicking range(!), but close by

We may need to step outside and take a break first, to cool off, but then we need to show them that their having strong feelings does not isolate them from the community of

civilized people. We want children to learn that nothing inside of them is too awful to be shared with us, not even overwhelming feelings of frustration.

children may be stuck in a cycle of tantrums, hoping against hope that next time someone will listen to them or stick with them. Instead, all that happens is the family gets more and more annoyed and hostile

The other alternative

is even more disastrous: Children learn the lesson that they're all alone in this life, it truly is a cold cruel world, and you can't count on anyone when the going gets rough. They retreat into a completely sealed-off tower of isolation

So stay

engaged with children, even when they are full of tough feelings.

What have you tried to do to end the tantrums?

also helps parents see that they often keep doing the same thing over and over, even though it never helps. The

My favorite tantrum preventer involves jumping in playfully when you see things beginning to get out of hand. I'll say things like, “One of us needs to scream. Shall I, or do you want to?” Or, “Everyone's starting to get a little frustrated, let's have a giggle

fest.” A giggle-fest is when everyone pretends to laugh until they are really laughing. Or, “I challenge you to a thumb-wrestling match to determine the championship of the world.”

Is there a pattern to the tantrums

During PlayTimes, make up funny nos and let children play with these

pretend limits. With a young girl named Johanna, I make up silly rules constantly. No giggling! No standing on both feet! No breathing! When she breaks the rule, I pretend to be so mad I can't see straight, so, of course, I fall over trying to catch her

author Patty Wipfler

when children have felt endangered and helpless, they direct their reaction—usually anger and mistrust—toward the people closest to them

We need to help

children develop courage, not fearlessness. Confidence, not toughness

You have to feel fear in order to be brave, otherwise you're just reckless and thrill-seeking

You also have to push yourself to do what you're afraid to do; otherwise you will never try new things

When children are reckless, they need someone to play with them, to climb trees with them, in order to provide a calming influence and a model of safe adventurousness. When children are shy and inhibited, they need

to be drawn out of their shell, again through play. They may need us to go down the slide with them a few times before they feel comfortable joining up with the other children at the playground. Most shy children don't do very well with the typical sink-or-swim

approach. But they are not well served by just letting them stay home or in the corner forever, either.

Artistic expression is one of the best ways to release anxiety or fear, whether it is by singing, drawing, dancing, sculpting, or writing. “Give that tight knot in your throat a voice

a good

cry actually fills children's cups, especially if they are being held and comforted.

“What

do you think the child is trying to express? Are they happier and more connected with you after a cry? Do you go into gyrations to get them to stop: begging, pleading, threatening, bribing, sending them away? If so, what happens then? Is there a pattern in your family

of teasing people or humiliating them for crying? Have they ever seen you cry? Have you tried staying with them, physically and emotionally, listening to them cry for as long as it takes to express themselves fully?”

If I limit myself to one piece of advice to adults about children's crying, it is this: Please

do not send them off alone to cry. Tears can be a tremendous opportunity for strengthening a connection between any two people, but especially between parent and child

There is nothing as satisfying as the feeling of a baby falling comfortably asleep on your chest after a big fuss. If you always cut the tears short, or hand the baby over to someone else when she cries, you never have this wonderful experience.

One sign that tears are related to connection

is what I call peeking out. Someone who has

been crying hard, or having a tantrum, or digging their face into your shoulder to avoid eye contact, will occasionally peek out. It's a wonderful thing to see. If children have been crying hard for a while, they will often peek out, make eye contact, and then, seeing a loving

relaxed adult, will go right back to the tears

They aren't sad to see you, but they are reassured that they are safe, which means it is okay to cry. Eventually

the best response to fake tears is playfulness. “Hey, I think you're faking it. That makes me so sad, waaah!” “I'm not fooled

by those fake tears, but I'll play a game with you if you want.”

presumptuous for us to decide which tears to be compassionate about and which ones to dismiss

Since we usually stop tears before they are done, some children get stuck in an endless loop of trying to express their feelings through tears, only to be stopped midway

whining

said, “You know, that kind of voice is like brakes, like putting on

the brakes of a car. It actually makes you go slower and makes it harder to climb

There's another kind of talking that's like putting on the gas.” And I proceeded to use my cheeriest voice, saying “I can do it; no big old rocks are going to stop me. I don't care how tired I am

Oh, a refueling stop! Great. Let's have some water and raisins. This is a gas break, not a brake break

why moaning and complaining doesn't really help much, and why using a powerful or cheerful voice does help

choosing to be positive and upbeat instead

of miserable, even if you feel like whining

persistent encouragement: “I know you can do it. Don't give up. You are a great artist; give it one more try. I'm confident you'll get it.

Keep being calmly confident, without exerting any pressure

Emotional competence means that children have developed from the stage of acting out their emotions, to expressing them through

play, and ultimately to verbalizing them

We can help children along in this development by asking them what

they are feeling, asking what they think other people might be feeling, or asking about their doll's emotions.

they need to learn how to play out the feelings

ask them to draw their feeling, or make up a story about it, or do a dance that expresses it

saying, “Show me with these two puppets what happened and how you felt.

pretend to have a feeling that children are having trouble expressing

model the safe release of that feeling: “I am so

mad! I am going to punch this pillow.”

exaggerate an emotion they are denying they have: “Waaah… I'm so scared I'm going to faint…. Grrrr, I am so mad I could spit

When one child hits another, or says something mean, I often say, “Ouch, that hurt,

game

emotional hot potato. The one rule is you try to pass unwanted feelings on to someone else

There are many terrible things in this world. But the worst is when a child is

afraid of his father, mother or teacher. He fears them, instead of loving and trusting them.”

JANUSZ KORCZAK

closeness, playfulness, and emotional understanding are better bets than punishment, behavior modification, and too

much permissiveness.

Effective discipline rarely happens in the heat of the moment. Before you try to deal with

a problem, count to ten, take a break, wait a few hours for things to settle down, call a friend.

A FRESH LOOK AT DISCIPLINE

• Cool off

^

1. Make a connection

2. Choose a “Meeting on the Couch” over a “Time-out”

3. Play!

4. Instill good judgment

5. Look underneath the surface, at the

6. child's feelings and needs

7. Prevent instead of punish

8. Know your child

9. Set clear limits

Talking to other parents is one of the best ways to cool off

If you don't have anyone you can call, and you feel

that things are getting out of hand, Parents Anonymous (www.parentsainonymous-natl.org) is a great organization that can help

So instead of punishment, which tends to create an even bigger disconnection between parent and child, try thinking about how to reestablish a connection

The rule is that if someone calls a meeting on the couch, the other person has to show up for the meeting. Once you are both at the couch, anything may happen.

You might talk seriously about what has been going on, or you may not even talk about it, just

take the chance to reconnect

Try to stay on the couch until both of you are ready to go back

and do things differently from before

about meetings on the couch is that they are not just for misbehavior. You can call a meeting if you notice your child is sad or blue, or if you have both been irritable lately

The best way to make discipline more connecting is to think We have a problem instead of My kid is misbehaving

The main problem with time-outs is that they

enforce isolation on children who are probably already feeling isolated and disconnected

If someone is looking for

attention that bad, I figure they must need some attention! If we give them enough of the good kind, they won't be so desperate that they'll settle for the bad kind.

These children want and need contact, they are afraid of separation, and they see time-outs, or being sent to their room, as banishment. They will create more trouble

resisting time-out than they were causing in the first place.

Children may need to hear a louder tone in our voice, or to feel a

hand on their shoulder, or to see us look right in their eyes, in order to tune in to us. Remember, the goal is to get their attention in order to make a connection, not to scare them or show them who's boss. If we focus on getting their attention, we can probably think of more

effective ways than yelling or threatening or hurting them

Edwin Markham, which A. S. Neill quotes in the beginning of his book Freedom—Not License!:

Are you having battles with your children over bedtime? Play bedtime. Having battles over dessert? Play dinnertime

It doesn't really matter if you play a mean mother who says no dessert, or if you play an absurdly nice mother

who says “We're having ice cream for dinner tonight.” Whatever makes them laugh. Having trouble with back talk? Pick up two dolls, and have one talk back to the other. You'll have fun imitating children's obnoxious behavior and making up snappy comebacks

If you're having trouble with rules, make up a rule you don't really care about, and play at making, breaking, and punishing that rule

Instead of one more round of “You have to get dressed, right now,” try saying “There's only one rule: You can't wear

one red shoe and one black shoe!”

the essence of discipline is to teach

I think parents avoid playfulness in difficult parenting situations because they are afraid of rewarding bad behavior. I have to remain stern and angry and cold so he'll know he did wrong

** But being playful is not about rewards or punishments, it is about restoring the missing ingredient—connection—that caused the problems in the first place.

Instead of trying to get children to be obedient, I recommend that we strive for them

to have good judgment. Obedience lasts only as long as we are in the room with them. It does not help a child know what to do in a brand-new situation.

Good judgment, on the other hand, comes from talking with children, brainstorming about how they might handle different situations, and

discussing moral dilemmas.

We have to be on the same wavelength with our children before we can have these types of conversations, so connect first. Connecting with children after they've done something wrong, listening to how they feel about it, and telling them calmly how

we feel, all do much more to instill good judgment than punishment does.

Children develop into thoughtful, considerate, honest, and kind adults because of love and affection, because of high moral standards, and because of a close relationship

with someone who models those values. I have never seen anyone punished into being good. Bribes don't work either. Promises, threats, rewards, and punishments have been called “the most primitive way of dealing with human beings.”4

try to find the need or the feeling underneath every behavior that bugs you

Here Are Some Common Translations That Fit Many Problem Situations:

• You're bored? You must be feeling lonely. Let's play a game, or we can invite someone over.

^

I can see you're starting to get discouraged, so I am going to give you encouragement.

You and I haven't had much time together, so maybe that's why you've been so annoying. Let's do something

1. special.

2. You seem sad, so I am going to comfort you.

3. You need more room to run around and get some energy off. Let's go outside.

4. You seem mad, so I am going to hold a big pillow so you can whack it.

You've been trying to get my attention all day, in all kinds of ways, so I'm going to put down my book for ten minutes and give you my undivided attention.

You seem too fidgety to sit still. Let's

1. dance!

2. You seem overwhelmed. I am going to help you calm down. Let's take three deep breaths together.

You've been really nasty toward your brother lately. What's the matter? I'd like

1. to hear about what's bothering you.

2. You seem cranky and irritable. Let's have a snack and see if that helps.

a lot of our discipline is just acting out our feelings

harshness and coldness from us

just leads to isolation and powerlessness from them

So make eye contact, talk softly, hold them as gently as possible, take a breather if you're too hot under the collar.

The more playtime you have with your children, especially play where they get to be in charge and you help them maintain their closeness and confidence, the less you will need any of these

alternatives to punishment

punishments don't usually work very well. They just cause resentment and strife without helping children develop a stronger sense of

morality

you may well find that children can't handle having their own TV, can't get their homework done if they have access to the phone after school, can't control the time they spend online, and so on. Setting limits in these areas is not punishment, it's parenting

Children need limits, guidance, and structure. These need to be applied lovingly and in a relaxed manner, not in anger or revenge

we can set limits and have high expectations for children while still having empathy for their feelings and compassion for their needs

understand the difference between children's real needs and their unrealistic wish to be the complete center of

the universe

The true cause of spoiling is giving in to children against our better judgment.

The strict parent ignores children's ability to make their own decisions. The permissive parent ignores children's need to be a contributing part of the

family

All children benefit from high expectations, especially the expectation to be a moral person and to pull their weight in the family

If limits are given lovingly and respectfully, they provide structure and safety, and, hence, security

Stay engaged, knowing that the limit will provide children with an opportunity to be sad or mad. If the limit was reasonable, don't give up the limit because of this emotional reaction. Just listen.

All children need to hear nos that are loving and gentle, not just angry or explosive.

We have to save our no for when we really mean it, and then follow through firmly. That might mean physically restraining children from hitting their younger sibling. It might mean sitting down with them and watching them finish their

homework. It definitely means that we don't tell them what to do and then walk away and never notice if they did it or not.

Empty threats, which are not followed through on, can be especially anxiety-arousing for children. We may know we would never

leave them in the grocery store, but children aren't sure. Saying, “Stop, stop, stop, please stop,” in a timid voice, also conveys a confusing message to children. They aren't going to want to reward that behavior by stopping! They count on us to keep them in check until they

can do it themselves, and that kind of weak pleading implies that we can't provide this safety net for them.

Some families bounce back and forth between indulgence and punishment. The result is random and unpredictable. The limit might be stated twenty times, for example

with no effect and no weight behind it. Suddenly the parent is furiously screaming: “I told you twenty times it was time to go!” Yes, but the first nineteen didn't count, and the child knew it.

Punishment, ineffective discipline, and too

much indulgence send children to the towers of isolation and powerlessness

Playful Parenting and the discipline alternatives that flow from it lead children out of these towers. The single most important thing to remember is that everyone needs a full cup of closeness and

connection. Everyone.

Children need to get into arguments to learn

how to resolve them; they must be excluded from groups to learn play group entry skills. They must play with disagreeable peers and bullies to broaden their repertoire of social strategies. They must have play ideas rejected so they can learn to become persuasive

When

adults intervene too quickly in conflict, these opportunities are lost

Stand back, but with your eyes open.

Step in, but with a light touch, not a hammer

stay engaged, while still letting the children be mostly in charge.

Ask them questions, but let them propose the solutions. Be interested, but not overly worried.

two children, there is fighting—over a toy, the remote control, or who got the bigger piece of pie. My favorite

response to this kind of conflict, whether it is between siblings or playmates, is to grab the toy and run

The two children then bond together to try to get it away from me

I don't do that all the time, since they also need to figure out how to negotiate with each other

If they are hitting each other, I'll say, “Bet you can't hit me,” and then run out of the room, pretending to be scared

the best types of play are

universal and inclusive. Play based on TV shows or computer games is much less inclusive

The image of the empty cup (see page 43) is useful to keep in mind when thinking about siblings. The most typical manifestation of sibling rivalry is competition for those refills. Older siblings watch the baby get perpetual fill-ups, just for burping and farting and looking cute. Meanwhile, they look at their own cup and

it seems as if the level is always on low

Even worse, nobody seems to care, except to scold them or punish them, which empties their cup even more

Later on, the younger one may feel as if the older one gets all the refills—a later bedtime, more privileges, a real bike

much sibling conflict can be seen as trying to steal a refill from the other child's cup

we fill those cups the

same way as we do it one-on-one: with attention, love, affection, listening, and (of course!) snacks

show older siblings how to let younger siblings be in charge of the play sometimes

The older one can feel important and competent, and at the same time can symbolically work through the key issues by “pretending” to be weaker or slower than the younger child.

Offer a solution. We are the parents, and we know our children very well. Sometimes all we need to do is offer a solution to resolve the conflict. “Go outside… take a break from each other… let's invite a friend over for each of you

let's wrestle… let's have snack time

Give encouragement and inspire their confidence. In

let them know that we truly believe they can figure out a solution that is right for everyone, instead

of suggesting that we don't trust them to find a good answer themselves

say things like, “I'm sure you guys can work this out. Anyone have any ideas?” “I'm not sure what the right solution is, but I bet there is one. Let's all keep thinking about it.” “Everyone has to

be included. How are you going to manage that?” “We can't keep playing if you guys can't stop hurting each other. I have complete confidence that you can figure out a way to keep the game nonviolent.” “This isn't working. Everyone

is fighting over turns and nobody is getting to play. What can we do so everybody gets a turn?”

Another example of a half solution is to say, “Mark is really upset about this; what are you guys going to do to make it right?” instead of the more typical, “Say you're

sorry,” or “It was an accident; he didn't mean it.” There is nothing that irritates me more than children's halfhearted, insincere apology just to get their mom or dad off their back. Yet I see parents falling for it all the time

Flood children with love and affection

** Sometimes that's all we need to do. If we fill their cups in the most basic way—a hug, a cuddle, a story, a kind word, some special time together, their favorite foods—they will figure out the rest

Children also have a need to give love and affection, not just receive it. In addition to loving us, they can play out this need with baby dolls, younger

siblings, friends, or pets. Boys, unfortunately, are less likely to get much chance at this loving and nurturing, except, perhaps, with pets

Protect

provide them is protection from undue harm

We can't

protect our chil dren from every bump and bruise and emotional injury, and we shouldn't try

make sure children are not scapegoated or abused or terrorized.

helps them feel safe

When children feel safe, they are able to get along much better with one another, and to play more happily and freely.

In a program called Protective Behaviors, children are taught that they have the right to be safe; others have the right to be safe with them; there

is nothing so terrible that you can't tell someone about it; and you can keep searching until someone listens

Provide perspective

Sometimes, magically, all we have to do is point out each person's position in a relaxed tone of voice. “You want the ball because it's yours, and he wants it because he's never had a turn to play with

it

Simply listening and reflecting may give them all they need

Promote win-win outcomes

Be playful

Imagine if you took all the time you now spend fussing at siblings to stop fighting, and you spent it playing with them

Give up the search for perfect equality

** Give each child what they need, rather than attempting to be equal.

Focus instead on

the feelings of not being loved enough

Before we can really use any parenting advice, I think we need to recharge ourselves

refill our own empty cups, listen to each other, and come out of our own towers of isolation and powerlessness.

The first step to recharging our own batteries is to acknowledge the emotions we feel when we start to play—feelings like boredom, frustration, resentment, anger, annoyance, anxiety, fatigue, distraction, and a sense of being overwhelmed

The basic method of getting our own cup filled is pretty simple: Find someone who will listen to you. It might be a spouse, another parent, a friend, or a therapist

We may need to train our listeners to listen without interrupting, and to listen without

telling us what we should do and how we should feel. If it isn't a paid listener, we also need to take a turn listening to them

There is plenty of good listening available if people take turns

Talking (and all the emotions we release when we honestly share our thoughts and feelings) is the adult equivalent of play

It's how we show what's really going on inside of us, and how we get back to ourselves.

part of why parents seem so tired all the time is that we carry around a hidden pile of worries, embarrassments, secret feelings of being a bad

parent, helplessness, and other painful emotions

Good listening means taking turns, respecting confidentiality, and allowing the other person to say anything at all without fear of being judged or rejected

Don't interrupt, and don't say, “Me, too,” then launch into your own story

Here is a list of questions to get you started:

• What do you remember from when you were the ages your children are now?

• Do those memories help you

1. understand where things get hard now as a parent?

2. What are your hopes and dreams for your children? Are these realistic? Have you left room for your child to figure out his or her own hopes and dreams?

3. We all know from TV and magazines what parenting is supposed to be like, but what is parenting really like for you?

4. What is great about being a parent? What is great about you as a parent? What are some of your shining moments as a

5. parent?

6. What's hard about being a parent? What are you too embarrassed about or ashamed of ever to tell anyone

Keeping these things buried inside of us just makes it more likely that we will make the same mistakes over and over again

fun play refills cups, ours as well as our children's. The play itself is rejuvenating, but the

real refill comes from the connection that grows out of the play

We may have to push ourselves at first, especially to play whatever children want to play, but the payoff is worth it.

have fun, and keep reaching for a connection with your children. They do not

need us to be perfect—but they do notice when we try.

A play-day is a few hours when some children, their parents, and other adults get together to play. Generally there are at least two adults per child. That allows some of the adults to go off and take turns listening to each other, while the rest play with the children

adults make a special effort to be playful and enthusiastic, and to follow the children's lead

In a family workshop, that same basic format goes on for a whole weekend. Part of that time, children have special one-on-one time with a parent or

another adult to do whatever they want, as I described in chapter nine

idea of adult play groups, where adults can get together to reclaim playfulness as a valuable part of life. At these events, it usually takes the adults a while to loosen up and

actually play. There is also time for talking about the joys and difficulties of parenting, and for expressing the frustrations, fears, and anger that parents don't want to express directly to children.

Kurt Vonnegut, who said, “We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different!”