Nonviolent Communication (8/10)

Easy concepts to grasp, challenging to apply to the real world. This is how we communicate with other people. I have been trying some of the methods and mindset while I was reading this book. Sometimes the strategies of using empathy and getting to know the needs behind words and behaviors have helped resolve tensions but other times it falls flat on it’s face due to me being very mechanistic about the whole thing. This is going to need a re-read at some point.

There is clear direction in my mind about what other areas to study in order to get better at this:

• Getting better at Empathy
• Being in touch with your own needs and feelings
• Saying “No” without Feeling Guilty
• Negotiating without compromising (Identify and satisfy the needs of both sides)

Summary and Highlights

When we give from the heart, we do so out of the joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life.

This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain.

The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being.

Four components of NVC:

1. observations
2. feelings
3. needs
4. requests

Helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.

Guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives.

Fosters deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.

Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and still others to build effective relationships at work or in the political arena.

Moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values.

First component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations. Instead, observations are to be made specific to time and context, for example, “Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games,” rather than “Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.”

A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling

In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:

Words such as that, like, as if: “I feel that you should know better.” “I feel like a failure.” “I feel as if I’m living with a wall.” The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it: “I feel I am constantly on call.” “I feel it is useless.” Names or nouns referring to people: “I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.” “I feel my boss is being manipulative.”

Expressions of actual feelings: “I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player.” “I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player.” “I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player.”

How we are likely to feel when our needs are being met:

absorbed adventurous affectionate alert alive amazed amused animated appreciative ardent aroused astonished blissful breathless buoyant calm carefree cheerful comfortable complacent composed concerned confident contented cool curious dazzled delighted eager ebullient ecstatic effervescent elated enchanted encouraged energetic engrossed enlivened enthusiastic excited exhilarated expansive expectant exultant fascinated free friendly fulfilled glad gleeful glorious glowing good-humored grateful gratified happy helpful hopeful inquisitive inspired intense interested intrigued invigorated involved joyous, joyful jubilant keyed-up loving mellow merry mirthful moved optimistic overjoyed overwhelmed peaceful perky pleasant pleased proud quiet radiant rapturous refreshed relaxed relieved satisfied secure sensitive serene spellbound splendid stimulated surprised tender thankful thrilled touched tranquil trusting upbeat warm wide-awake wonderful zestful

How we are likely to feel when our needs are not being met:

afraid aggravated agitated alarmed aloof angry anguished annoyed anxious apathetic apprehensive aroused ashamed beat bewildered bitter blah blue bored brokenhearted chagrined cold concerned confused cool cross dejected depressed despairing despondent detached disaffected disappointed discouraged disenchanted disgruntled disgusted disheartened
dismayed displeased disquieted distressed disturbed downcast downhearted dull edgy embarrassed embittered exasperated exhausted fatigued fearful fidgety forlorn frightened frustrated furious gloomy guilty harried heavy helpless hesitant horrible horrified hostile hot humdrum hurt impatient indifferent intense irate irked irritated jealous jittery keyed-up lazy leery lethargic listless lonely mad mean miserable mopey morose mournful nervous nettled numb overwhelmed panicky passive perplexed pessimistic puzzled rancorous reluctant repelled resentful restless sad scared sensitive shaky shocked skeptical sleepy sorrowful sorry spiritless startled surprised suspicious tepid terrified tired troubled uncomfortable unconcerned uneasy unglued unhappy unnerved unsteady upset uptight vexed weary wistful withdrawn woeful worried wretched

1. We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves.
2. blame others.
3. sense our own feelings and needs.
4. sense others’ feelings and needs.

Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”

Development toward a state of emotional liberation, most of us experience three stages in the way we relate to others.

Stage 1: In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others.

We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. If they don’t appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.

Stage 2: In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. When we notice how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get angry.

Stage 3: At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame.

Using Positive Action Language

Express what we are requesting rather than what we are not requesting.

Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.

Our requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply.

When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished.

The more we have in the past blamed, punished, or “laid guilt trips” on others when they haven’t responded to our requests, the higher the likelihood that our requests will now be heard as demands.

Choosing to request rather than demand.

Does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request.

The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives.

Try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not.

Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it. Since the message we send is not always the message that’s received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard.

Common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others:

Advising: “I think you should … ” “How come you didn’t … ?” One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.” Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just … ” Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … ” Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … ” Interrogating: “When did this begin?” Explaining: “I would have called but … ” Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.

After we focus our attention and hear what others are observing, feeling, and needing and what they are requesting to enrich their lives, we may wish to reflect back by paraphrasing what we have understood.

Our tone communicates that we’re asking whether we have understood—not claiming that we have understood.

Behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being.

Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. We often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.

Carl Rogers - “When … someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good! … When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.”

Conversations that are lifeless for the listener are equally so for the speaker.

Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, hear the word no without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence.

Mourning in NVC

The process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and the feelings that are generated when we have been less than perfect

Experience of regret, but regret that helps us learn from what we have done without blaming or hating ourselves.

Moralistic judgments we use when blaming ourselves tend to obscure such possibilities and to perpetuate a state of self-punishment.

Self-Forgiveness

When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?

Don’t Do Anything That Isn’t Play!

An important form of self-compassion is to make choices motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation.

Translating “Have to” to “Choose to”

Step 1 List any activity you dread but do anyway because you perceive yourself to have no choice.

Step 2 Acknowledge to yourself that you are doing these things because you choose to do them, not because you have to. Insert the words “I choose to … “ in front of each item you listed.

Step 3 After having acknowledged that you choose to do a particular activity, get in touch with the intention behind your choice by completing the statement, I choose to … because I want ….

When we do things solely in the spirit of enhancing life, we will find others appreciating us. Their appreciation, however, is only a feedback mechanism confirming that our efforts had the intended effect. The recognition that we have chosen to use our power to serve life and have done so successfully brings us the genuine joy of celebrating ourselves in a way that approval from others can never offer.

When we speak a language that denies choice, we forfeit the life in ourselves for a robotlike mentality that disconnects us from our own core.

Anger

We are never angry because of what others say or do.

Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.

Anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met

All violence is the result of people tricking themselves, as did this young man, into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.

Why would people want to tell the truth, knowing they will be judged and punished for doing so?

The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future

Four Steps to Expressing Anger:

1. Stop and do nothing except to breathe.
2. Identify the thoughts that are making us angry.
3. Connect to the needs behind those thoughts
4. Open our mouth and speak the anger—but the anger has been transformed into needs and need-connected feelings.

The more we empathize with what leads them to behave in the ways that are not meeting our needs, the more likely it is that they will be able to reciprocate afterwards.

Exercise: List the judgments that float most frequently in your head by using the cue, “I don’t like people who are … ” Collect all such negative judgments in your head and then ask yourself, “When I make that judgment of a person, what am I needing and not getting?”

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

Creating a connection between the people who are in conflict is the most important thing.

It’s not until you have forged that connection that each side will seek to know exactly what the other side is feeling and needing. The parties also need to know from the start that the objective is not to get the other side to do what they want them to do. And once the two sides understand that, it becomes possible—sometimes even easy—to have a conversation about how to meet their needs.

Use the word satisfaction instead of compromise!

Our objective is to meet everyone’s needs fully.

If we had a clear statement of each person’s needs—what those parties need right now from each other—we will then discover what can be done to get everybody’s needs met.

Conflict Resolution Steps:

1. Express our own needs.
2. Search for the real needs of the other person.
3. Verify that we both accurately recognize the other person’s needs.
4. Provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately.
5. Propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language.

Needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action.

Strategies, which may appear in the form of requests, desires, wants, and “solutions,” refer to specific actions that specific people may take.

Instead of expressing needs, they were doing analysis, which is easily heard as criticism by a listener.

When we reflect back incorrect guesses to others, it may help them get in touch with their true needs.

Have the Needs Been Heard?

When people are upset, they often need empathy before they can hear what is being said to them

Using Present and Positive Action Language to Resolve Conflict.

Avoid moving hastily into strategies, as this may result in a compromise that lacks the deep quality of authentic resolution that is possible.

It is the presentation of strategies in clear, present, positive action language that moves conflicts toward resolution.

Present language statement refers to what is wanted at this moment.

“Would you be willing to …”

In the absence of present language, a request such as “I’d like you to go to the show with me Saturday night” fails to convey what’s being asked of the listener at that moment.

“Would you be willing to tell me whether you will go to the show with me Saturday night?,”

Supports clarity and ongoing connection in the exchange. We can further clarify the request by indicating what we may want from the other person in the present moment, “Would you be willing to tell me how you feel about going to the show with me Saturday night?”

Using Action Verbs

Focus on what we do want rather than what we do not want. Talking about what one doesn’t want can easily create confusion and resistance among conflicting parties.

It’s not unusual, if someone tells us they’d like us to listen when they are talking, for us to hear accusations and thus feel some resentment.

A situation that is typical in conflicts when parties use vague words like “listen” to express strategies.

Use of action verbs to capture something that we can see or hear happening—something that can be recorded with a video camera. “Listening” occurs inside a person’s head; another person cannot see whether it is happening or not. One way to determine that someone is actually listening is to have that person reflect back what had been said: we ask the person to take an action that we ourselves can see or hear. If the other party can tell us what was just said, we know that person heard and was indeed listening to us.

Maintaining respect is a key element in successful conflict resolution.

When they say “no,” they’re saying they have a need that keeps them from saying “yes” to what we are asking.

Keep the Conversation in the Present

It is likely that we will hear a lot of discussion about what happened in the past and what people want to happen differently in the future. However, conflict resolution can only happen right now, so now is where we need to focus.

Use role-play to speed up the mediation process.

Sometimes mediations get heated, with people shouting at or talking over one another. To keep the process on track under such circumstances, we need to get comfortable with interrupting.

The purpose of interrupting is to restore the process.

When we witness behaviors that raise concern in us

First thing we do is to empathize with the needs of the person who is behaving in the way we dislike.

The Protective Use of Force

NVC requires us to differentiate between the protective and the punitive uses of force.

The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. The intention behind the punitive use of force is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds.

People behave in ways injurious to themselves and others due to some form of ignorance. The corrective process is therefore one of education, not punishment.

Ignorance includes: (1) a lack of awareness of the consequences of our actions. (2) an inability to see how our needs may be met without injury to others. (3) the belief that we have the right to punish or hurt others because they “deserve” it. (4) delusional thinking that involves, for example, hearing a voice that instructs us to kill someone.

Punitive action, on the other hand, is based on the assumption that people commit offenses because they are bad or evil, and to correct the situation, they need to be made to repent. Their “correction” is undertaken through punitive action designed to make them: (1) suffer enough to see the error of their ways (2) repent (3) change

In practice, however, punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.

Children’s fear of corporal punishment may obscure their awareness of the compassion that underlies parental demands.

Other uses of force also qualify as punishment. One is the use of blame to discredit another person; for example, a parent may label a child as “wrong,” “selfish,” or “immature” when a child doesn’t behave in a certain way. Another form of punitive force is the withholding of some means of gratification, such as parents’ curtailing allowances or driving privileges. In this vein, the withdrawal of caring or respect is one of the most powerful threats of all.

When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.

The job gets done, but morale suffers.

Sooner or later, productivity will decrease.

Punishment is costly in terms of goodwill. The more we are seen as agents of punishment, the harder it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.

Two Questions That Reveal the Limitations of Punishment

What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing? What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?

Punishment and reward interfere with people’s ability to do things motivated by the reasons we’d like them to have.

NVC, however, fosters a level of moral development based on autonomy and interdependence, whereby we acknowledge responsibility for our own actions and are aware that our own well-being and that of others are one and the same.

Freeing Ourselves From Old Programming

Pain engendered by damaging cultural conditioning is such an integral part of our lives that we can no longer distinguish its presence.

Resolving Internal Conflicts

Ernest Becker attributes depression to “cognitively arrested alternatives.”

When we have a judgmental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.

Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication

When we use NVC to express appreciation, it is purely to celebrate, not to get something in return.

Three Components of Appreciation:

1. Actions that have contributed to our well-being
2. Particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled
3. Pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs

Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”

Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” - Marianne Williamson

Be more aware of what others around me are doing that enriches my life, and to hone my skills in expressing this appreciation.

Some Basic Needs We All Have

Autonomy

• Choosing dreams/goals/values
• Choosing plans for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values

Celebration

• Celebrating the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
• Celebrating losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)

Integrity

• Authenticity
• Creativity
• Meaning
• Self-worth

Interdependence

• Acceptance
• Appreciation
• Closeness
• Community
• Consideration
• Contribution to the enrichment of life
• Emotional Safety
• Empathy
• Honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
• Love
• Reassurance
• Respect
• Support
• Trust
• Understanding

Physical Nurturance

• Air
• Food
• Movement, exercise
• Protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals
• Rest
• Sexual Expression
• Shelter
• Touch
• Water
• Play
• Fun
• Laughter

Spiritual Communion

• Beauty
• Harmony
• Inspiration
• Order
• Peace

Books mentioned:

How to Make Yourself Miserable, Dan Greenburg The Color Purple, Alice Walker Building a Peace System, Robert Irwin The Revolution in Psychiatry, Ernest Becker The Secret of Staying in Love, John Powell