Dopamine Nation (9/10)

This was a very insightful book. Knowing the balance between pain and pleasure is essential to living in modern day society. Where scarcity is no longer an issue. Our brains are not adapted for a world of abundance. So the forces that kept us alive for thousands of years, are now making us miserable. Consider this a primer into understanding addiction and over consumption. And steps you can take to mitigate this.

Summary and Highlights

Being sick and tired is a result of a skewed pain/pleasure balance. In order to find balance, you must understand the relationship between pleasure and pain in the body. Pleasure and pain operate in the same area of the brain and are intertwined.

Compulsive consumption leads to pain. And we all can face consumption issues. Even if we have good lives.

There are many factors that increase risk for over consumption and addiction. These include:

• Biology
• Mental illness
• Trauma
• Genetics
• Poverty

“Limbic capitalism” is the market force that profits on consumption. This provides access to hyper novel and more potent substances and behaviors. More than any time in history.

Even the internet suggests behaviors that we would have not thought of doing in the first place. Porn and TikTok come to mind. We see crazy behaviors as “Normal” because other people on the internet are doing them.

The rush is never as good as you imagine.

Kids these days are growing up in padded environments and not ready for the real world. We have made them afraid of adversity and are encouraging hedonism and escapism.

We can’t even put up with minor discomforts like being bored. We are always seeking out novelty and entertainment.

Go 30 minutes a day with nothing but your thoughts. This will help you become familiar with yourself, others, and the world. You are no longer running from painful thoughts and emotions.

Boredom can be terrifying. It makes you think about big issues, meaning, and purpose. Boredom is an opportunity. You may discover something new. It gives your mind space to think.

You may attribute fatigue and the inability to focus to mental illness. But it could also be from sleep deprivation, over consumption, and over stimulation.

The reason we are so miserable is because we are trying so hard not to be miserable.

Why too much pleasure leads to pain.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter involved in reward processing. It plays a bigger role in the motivation to get a reward than the pleasure of having the reward.

The brains reward pathway includes these parts of the brain:

• Ventral tegmental
• Nucleus accumbens
• Prefrontal cortex

The more/faster dopamine released from a drug or behavior, the more addictive the drug or behavior is.

Pleasure and pain function as a balance in the brain. When one side of the balance is weighted down, the brain compensates by pushing down on the opposite side. Pleasure leads to pain, pain leads to pleasure.

The brain wants to maintain homeostasis.

Opponent process theory states that any prolonged or repeated departures from hedonic or effective neutrality have a cost.

With prolonged exposure to pleasure, our capacity to tolerate pain decreases, and our threshold for experiencing pleasure increases.

The negative feedback caused by tolerance

Repeated exposure to a pleasure stimulus makes the pleasure from that stimulus less and less. And the rebound to the pain side gets stronger and longer. You need more of a behavior or substance over time to feel the same amount of pleasure.

Over time, your baseline gets set to the side of pain, as your brain tries to counteract bigger and more potent doses of pleasure. See how this bird starts out normal and healthy, then eventually needs it’s drug just to feel normal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUngLgGRJpo

People who do Opioids for a long time often experience more pain not less. This is referred to as “opioid induced hyperglasia”.

Heavy and prolonged dopamine leads to a baseline that is dopamine deficient. Hedonism leads to ahedonia.

Universal symtoms of withdrawl include:

• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Insomnia
• Dysphoria

The pain from withdrawl is what drives people to relapse, withdrawl is the pleasure/pain balance tipping towards the side of pain.

If you wait long enough, you can reset your dopamine baseline. (in most cases) And you can regain pleasure in simple things like going for walks, listening to birds, reading, writing, watching the sun rise, etc.

Dopamine cues

Cue dependant learning or pavlovian conditioning is when dopamine is released in the brain in response to a conditioned cue. This leads to pleasure in anticipation of a reward. When the cue happens, dopamine drops below baseline, which leads us to seek out the reward.

Dopamine levels below baseline drive craving. The cycle of craving can occur outside of conscious awareness. Dopamine levels raise once we get the reward, but falls below baseline if the reward doesn’t happen.

Loss chasing: when the uncertainty of getting a reward is as reinforcing as the reward it self. Like gambling or likes on social media.

These conditioned reward pathways can cause permanent brain changes. But new pathways can always be forged with dopamine-healthy activities like human connection or exercise.

Even learning releases dopamine.

Balance is person independent.

Pleasure and pain can happen at the same time like with spicy food. Something that one person finds pleasurable or painful may not be the same for someone else. And not everyone starts with a level balance.

People injured in war are sometimes in less pain because they are pulled into a safer environment when they are being treated.

“We are Cacti in a rainforest” -Dr. Tom Finucane. Our brains have evolved for a world of scarcity, but we live in a new world of abundance.

Dopamine Fasting

We must abstain from the unwanted behavior in order to truly have clarity on how it effects us. High dopamine substances or behaviors cloud our ability to see cause and effect. And young people are more immune to immediate negative impacts than adults.

Here are 8 steps to a dopamine fast:

1. Get information on the details of your dopamine use. What, when, how often?
2. Find out your personal reason for doing the dopamine inducing behavior. Even seemingly irrational behavior is often rooted in personal logic.
3. What problems is the drug or behavior causing? Short term? Long term?
4. Go for a set period without the drug or behavior.
5. Use mindfulness to observe your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations as separate from yourself.
6. Abstaining gives new insight to the behaviors.
7. Decide if you will continue using in a controlled way. Or go completely without.
8. Experiment to find out what works and what doesn’t.

“I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired”

Do you want to be doing this 10 years from now? How about 5? 1? 6 months from now? You may as well try to stop now. Consider your current behaviors for your future self.

You must go without the drug or behavior in order to reset your dopamine baseline and to truly see the cause and effect between substance use and how you feel.

You can’t replace one drug with another because you will still be weighing down the pleasure side of the balance. And something less potent won’t feel like a reward because your baseline for pleasure is too high.

If you don’t feel better after a dopamine fast then you may have some other underlying medical problem. But you will feel worse before you feel better. Withdrawal can last anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months or longer.

Use mindfulness to observe without judging yourself. Have compassion for yourself. The thoughts and emotions you have been running from will come crashing down on you during withdrawal. Instead of running, tolerate it.

Don’t forget that moderation can backfire.

Limit access through self-binding.

Self-binding is placing barriers between you and the reward to help get over the limitations of willpower. Willpower gets tired the more we use it. This is a tool, not a fail safe.

You do self binding while your will is strong. Not when the cue, routine, reward cycle has already started and your willpower goes down.

Make it harder to access the reward.

This can be through physical barriers or distance. Such as a ksafe or weight loss surgeries. It can also be based on time limits and finish lines. Such as setting a time of day to use or a reward for accomplishing something.

“Forgive yourself, you have problems like everyone else.”

Track your usage to become more aware. Overall awareness will help mitigate consumption.

Delay discounting is when high dopamine messes with our ability to delay gratification. “Temporal horizons” shrink when we are under the spell of a drug. You become governed by the pleasure-pain balance, instead of by reason. You can no longer objectively evaluate immediate rewards vs their long term counterparts.

If you don’t take control now, you may be doing this forever.

The opposite is also true, immediate rewards activate emotion and reward parts of the brain. When you delay rewards, you activate the prefrontal cortex. Which is involved in planning and abstract thinking.

Categorical self binding is avoiding anything that could entertain your addict mind. Like how scrolling Instagram can lead to seeking out porn. Sort dopamine into categories. Ones that you will allow yourself to consume, and ones you do not. This helps avoid triggers that lead to craving.

This is useful for substances that we can’t eliminate all together but want to have a healthier relationship with like food, sex, smartphones, etc.

This can fail if you accidentally include a triggering behavior in your list of acceptable behaviors.

You can also transform an object into a symbol of restraint. Such as putting a single beer on display to remind you of what you are doing.

Rather than feeling restrained by this new way of living, you will feel liberated.

Intimacy from drugs doesn’t last.

There are drugs may help with addictions, but have the potential to become addictive themselves. Prescription stimulants like Adderall are the molecular equivalent to meth. They cause huge spikes of dopamine and have high high potential for abuse.

These drugs could also potentially make things worse in the long run and have unintended consequences.

ADHD drug treatment is associated with deterioration in academic and social-emotional functioning.

Antidepressants may lead to tolerance and dependence and make depression worse in the long run (tardive dysphoria).

Instead of feeling better than well, these drugs may make us feel other than well. And can limit our ability to experience the full range of emotions needed for a balanced life.

We may be making large portions of the population indifferent to intolerable circumstances. Corporations and governments have the potential to use drugs as a form of social control.

There are as many as 10,000 toddlers receiving stimulants like Ritalin.

When you are numb to everything, you lose your hunger for anything. Medications can be lifesaving, but there are other tools than can help.

Why you should lean on pain

We feel great after a cold shower. The first seconds are painful, tell yourself this is temporary.

James bond shower: Start with a normal shower, then end it cold for at least a minute.

Dopamine and norepinephrine levels rise 250 and 530% above baseline respectively. And remain elevated hours after. And have been shown to raise serotonin and neuronal growth.

Pressing on the pain side of the balance can lead to pleasure. The dopamine that results is indirect and potentially longer lasting. Just like how the body restores balance by leaning toward pain after a pleasure stimuli, the body will restore balance towards pleasure from a painful stimuli.

“With intermittent exposure to pain, our natural hedonic set point gets weighted to the side of pleasure, such that we become less vulnerable to pain and more able to feel pleasure over time.” -pg 145 Dopamine Nation

Socrates on the relationship between pain and pleasure:

“How strange would appear to be this thing that men call pleasure! And how curiously it is related to what is thought to be its opposite, pain! The two will never be found together in a man, and yet if you seek the one and obtain it, you are almost bound always to get the other as well, just as though they were both attached to one and the same head. . . . Wherever the one is found, the other follows up behind. So, in my case, since I had pain in my leg as a result of the fetters, pleasure seems to have come to follow it up.” -pg 147 Dopamine Nation

Hormesis

Using pain to treat pain has been around forever.

Hormesis is the study of using small doses of “pain” to trigger the body’s adaptive processes. (Cold, heat, gravitational changes, radiation, food restriction, exercise, etc.) These adaptive processes improve tolerance and functionality of the system to harder challenges.

Intermittent fasting in animals increased life span, reduced blood pressure, and improved Heart Rate Variability.

“Exercise is immediately toxic to cells, leading to increased temperatures, noxious oxidants, and oxygen and glucose deprivation. Yet the evidence is overwhelming that exercise is health-promoting, and the absence of exercise, especially combined with chronic sedentary feeding—eating too much all day long—is deadly.”

Exercise increases many of the neurotransmitters involved in positive mood regulation: dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, epinephrine, endocannabinoids, and endogenous opioid peptides (endorphins). Exercise contributes to the birth of new neurons and supporting glial cells. Exercise even reduces the likelihood of using and getting addicted to drugs." -pg 150 Dopamine Nation

Dopamine and movement are deeply connected. Do obtain what we desire, we need to go get it. Do drugs just remind us that we have bodies?

Exercise is more beneficial to positive mood, sleep, cognition than any pill. Even a 30 minute walk is beneficial. Just remember that pleasure comes AFTER pain.

The extreme side of pain can cause it’s own addiction. So be careful. Too much pain can deplete dopamine, causing overconsumption. So just slightly lean into pain. Build progress over time.

Truth telling

Telling the truth is another “pain leads to pleasure”. You can trick yourself when you are lying. So you are inhibiting self-awareness as well when you tell the truth. Writing in a journal is a good way to master yourself with truth telling.

Denial is caused by the disconnect between our reward pathway and higher brain regions. (Prefrontal cortex)

Prefrontal cortex is involved in planning, storytelling, decision making, emotional regulation, etc.

Telling the truth activates the prefrontal cortex and strengthens it through repeated use.

Awareness

What behavior or habit do you want to change? Why? And what would you be giving up if you stopped that behavior? What is one step you can take to change the behavior?

Honesty makes connections with other humans

We assume people will abandon us when we expose our vulnerabilities. But they really assure other people of their own doubts, fears, and weaknesses.

Human connection increases Oxytocin. Oxytocin binds to dopamine-secreting neurons and enhances the reward circuit tract. Human connection replaces addiction.

Consuming leads to isolation. Because you replace the reward you get from Human connections with artificial rewards.

Human connection can be exploited as an addiction as well. When it is used for selfish gratifications rather than through shared humanity. Like when people are Grandstanding and manipulating.

Do not share stories about your addictions to show off. Only share them to teach lessons. Tell accurate stories about yourself. Do not play the victim. Take responsibility. Accurate stories help you make accurate decisions.

Write down your character defects and ways those hurt your relationships.

Social media has led us to creating false self’s about what our lives are really like. If we don’t feel real, we isolate and become depersonalized.

Honesty tethers ourselves to reality and makes us feel real in the world.

Getting control of your addictions can lead others to do the same.

Keep your promises to children. The children benefit and are better able to regulate their emotions.

People will feel more confident around you because they can trust you.

Prosocial Shame

Destructive shame is when the group condemns or shuns when someone makes a mistake. Over consumption leads to shame, which leads to lying, which leads to isolation, which continues the circle to over consumption.

Prosocial shame is when the group holds us closer and provides steps to redemption. It says that shame is useful for thriving communities. We all have our flaws and need forgiveness. Instead of leading to lying, it leads to truth telling and acceptance and breaks the cycle of addiction.

If we are open and honest to our children about our mistakes and struggles, children will be more open and honest with us about theirs. Admit when we have been wrong.

We feel deeply connected to others when we feel accepted despite our flaws.

Social media makes us compare ourselves to the entire world. Leading us to believe we should have done more.

Immerse ourselves in the world instead of turning away from it.

Finding balance does not happen instantly. It requires patience, courage, and maintenance. You must have faith that the small actions you take every day will pay off in the future.

If you made it this far…

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Thanks for reading!

Bliss of the Celibate (4/10)

Sex drive is a powerful force. And misusing it brings you down to the level of an animal. You must conserve and transmute this force to reveal your true gifts. Feeding lust makes you never satisfied, and spills over into all other areas in life. Giving a low rating because it’s overly religious for my tastes. And says that if you have sex, then you won’t have guy friends because you are afraid of being gay. Other than those two things, it’s a decent intro on the benefits you can experience from controlling your sexual side.

Summary and Highlights

Sexual nature spirals out of control, always moving towards chaos the more it is indulged.

Lust is like a drug. Caries the negative traits of other drug addictions.

Lust makes you more materialistic. Clinging to the physical world, and abandoning the spiritual one.

Women notice a man change after a man releases. His mood changes. He becomes uninterested in her. He becomes withdrawn. He loses the sparkle in his eye.

When retaining sexual energy, a man becomes more noble, acquires patience, magnanimity, energy, and strength.

He becomes kinder to his children and has more patience with them.

Orgasm gives man a “Male Period”.

Orgasm more than once a month makes man psychologically inferior to a woman.

Semen benefits women physically and psychologically.

Retaining sexual energy is the foundation of character and psychological resilience.

Without masculine energy, females are having to fill that role in families and society.

With woman taking over masculine roles and feminine roles, she does neither one good.

Cultivate your sexual energy in order to stop your decline. Each day adding more benefits than the previous.

When you retain you become more patient.

Your mind becomes steady.

You get your fidelity back.

You become more calm and generous.

You become less needy.

Sex no longer controls you.

Any attempt to cut back on orgasms gives benefits.

You become more charming.

You get “superpowers”

You get psychological improvements.

Your greatness is based on your ability to control your sexual nature.

When you try to control your sexual energy and fail, you are still better than the person who does not try and say that there is no reason to try.

“No man is great who doesn’t have righteous control of his sexual energy.”

Your ability to be moral depends on the control you have over your sexual nature.

Sexual purity is everything, the more sexually pure you are, the more moral impact you have on the world. The less sexually pure you are, the worst moral impact you have on the world.

Lust is a cheap thrill that has nothing to do with you.

It has nothing to do with divine bliss and does not compare.

Celibacy becomes easy.

Celibacy means there is no loss of creative substance. No lust.

It is not just retaining semen that is important.

Every effort at celibacy gives you permanent effect.

Sexual desire makes you a slave.

Sexual addict with rationalize to keep the addiction going. They will try to get others to become addicted for their own “lustful stimulation” and too provide a validating environment.

Lust is and empty, fruitless pursuit that draws you away from the spiritual world, and down to “matter” or the physical world.

You must make an effort to banish lustful thoughts.

You can take a vow or not. But stay on the path either way.

You are not signing up for “The death of all pleasure”.

Your health gets better, you get more energy, you need less sleep, you have more power to manifest your thoughts.

You can achieve deeper meditation.

More wealth.

Sex is not a human need. It is a force of nature.

Man strives to attain authority over forces of nature.

You cannot satisfy a sex appetite. You are led to the nature of a beast.

Sex is not a drug to make you feel better or temporarily distract you from pain.

Sex is intended to make babies.

Sex is not a way to build power or give you influence.

Sex is not meant to make you famous or make money.

Sex is not meant for bonding. It is just using each other as a drug.

You need vitality, strength, and endurance.

You need evenness and patience.

Knowledge builds like compound interest in a celibate.

You need meditation.

Meditation is stabilized by celibacy.

Enlightenment is only possible through celibacy.

Quit losing your vital force.

“Tantra” tries to include the world in the divine.

Sexuality disturbs us and takes away our peace.

Sex draws us away from the spiritual world, and out into the material world. Giving the illusion that the material world is real and important.

Higher divorce rate is seen in nations that have the most sex in marriage.

Sex cheapens relationships and makes you lose respect for each other.

Respect each other’s good character to achieve higher bonding. Divine friendship.

Friendship is the highest form of human relationships.

A meditation practice makes all material addictions (including sex) decline and then disappear.

Because Meditation brings superior pleasure than sense pleasures of the body.

When you retain, stavic qualities arise. You want to serve mankind. You get charisma.

When you sex, your life becomes darker and less successful on all levels.

All human sexual perversion comes from indulging in lust.

Most human sorrow comes from lust.

This is a hard reality to grasp and few can bare it.

You can achieve limitless bliss of pure consciousness.

Even just a little bit of Caffeine makes it nearly impossible to stay on the path.

Keep the mind on lofty thoughts, exercise strenuously, meditate, serve others. And your sexual energy will by transmuted into physical strength, health, creativity, and bliss.

Virtue brings beauty, sin brings ugliness.

“Yoga” means “union” with the divine.

“Yoga Sutras” by Patanjali.

An austerity is a “doing without.” Austerity and Renunciation are the same thing.

Buddha was a Hindu. The books he read were the Bhagavad-Gita and the Vedas.

You must have austerity to develop spiritually.

The eight parts of yoga. - Self restraints - Fixed observances - Posture - Regulation of breath - Abstraction - Concentration - Contemplation - Trance

“The Science of Yoga, The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali” with Commentary by I.K. Taimni, p. 205.

Five Yamas (Forms Of Restraint): - Bramacharya (Sexual Celibacy) - Ahimsa (Non-Injury) - Satya (Truth) - Asteya (Abstention From Stealing) - Bramacharya (Continence) - Aparigraha {Abstinence From Avariciousness)

Sanskrit is the oldest language.

Sanskrit is a literal language not open to interpretation.

Bramacharya refers to one thing, and one thing only: sexual celibacy. No orgasms, at minimum. No thought of sex or sexual titillation.

Do no look at breasts or rear ends of women as they go by.

Eventually the energy will stop dropping to your private parts when you look at women.

Do not imagine having sex with any woman.

Virya = vigor

You attain virya.

Weakness, laxity (not caring), and inadequacy disappear.

You gain resilience, strength, and energy.

Eventually, even the slightest thought of sex fails to enter the mind.

“Yoga Vasistha,” by the sage Vasistha, is one of the most valuable books on yoga.

Celibacy is the sole means to one’s ultimate good.

The only way to master your mind.

“Lovingly, patiently wean yourself away from sense addictions.”

Sex weakens you, makes you an addict, and gives you delusional notions that keep you trapped.

Sex addicted men do not win wars or battles. They cannot even mount an effective resistance.

Banish all fear and weakness. Never weaken your mind by thinking of past mistakes.

Never lose faith in yourself.

From lust comes grief, from lust comes fear; he who is free from lust neither sorrows nor fears.

The thirst of a heedless man grows like a creeper; he runs from life to life, like a monkey seeking fruit in the forest.

Sufferings fall from him like water drops from a lotus leaf.

Called a medicant (sanyyasin).

He who, though richly adorned, exercises tranquillity, is quiet, subdued, restrained, chaste, and has ceased to injure all other beings, is indeed a Brahman, an ascetic, a friar.

There are no satisfying lusts.

Ever by a shower of gold pieces; he who knows that lusts have a short taste and bring suffering in their train is wise.

Four things befall the heedless man who courts his neighbor’s wife – first, acquisition of demerit, secondly, an uncomfortable bed, thirdly, evil report, and lastly, hell.

The type of Buddhism spreading most in America is Tibetan Buddhism, or “Tantric Buddhism”.

Any sexual self restraint has great benefits to man morally, emotionally, and physically, and conduces to all prosperity.

Engine of enlightenment.

Makes possible the deeper meditation.

Steadies the mind.

Any sexual self-restraint" gives “great benefits” to man.

It is more difficult to attain celibacy and sexual self restraint for a male.

When he attains it, the effects on him are immediately greater.

In bodily terms, the woman is the actual winner in the sex act; the male is the actual loser.

In the spiritual path, one disengages from grosser pleasures so that one can experience pleasures that are finer and more satisfying.

The one thing worth attaining.

Increased energy and greater powers of concentration.

Proper attitude one should have toward wickedness is to ignore it, while praising the virtuous.

Celibacy has always been, and still is, essential to classical yoga.

The sanskrit term for sexual celibacy is bramacharya. For a man it means no emission of sexual fluid. This is the minimum meaning for celibacy. Celibacy has been broken, for example, if a man has an orgasm in sleep.

He fully burns up all thoughts of sex, starting with the gross physical mind, and then later cleaning up his dream states and astral mind.

Yogananda states that meditation is the highest of all the austerities.

The renunciation of harmful food, useless diversions, fruitless pleasures.

She seems to lack his energy, intrepidness, intelligence, skill, and courage.

When he first finds attraction to another female, again, it is to the eyes and face. His shakti dwells in the higher part of the spine.

The orgasm has indeed made him less interested in society, less able to deal with the stresses of other people, and even antisocial.

He can fill up this strange new emptiness with a distraction or thrill.

Divine Shakti becomes insulted and angry seeing herself “dumped on the ground” for no procreative purpose. She regrets that she gave that boy the sexual organ and the sexual power of the male. The Divine Shakti begins taking steps to mess up the boy’s life, and darken his world.

As the boy keeps sexing, a coarse energy or pollution gathers in his lower chakras, casting a blight on his outer world.

If he doesn’t have clear moral teachings or guidance on this subject, from people he loves and respects, he won’t adequately reject this activity and will be tempted to do it again.

Other men, especially males, are in the best position to protect him here. Without clear warnings and teachings/dharma from another male he respects, he does it again and begins to develop an addiction to it.

First he had no interest in the idea of the sex act. In fact as a boy the sex act seemed stupid and disgusting. But now it is interesting and the idea gives a sexual charge.

This marks him, giving him powerful samskaras (memories/impressions) of sex. Later as he tries to renounce, these impressions will become deeply problematic. The memories of sex will keep coming back to him, inciting his lust.

His eyes now have the habit of looking at the bodies of women and lusting.

The male developing sex addiction is always drawn to look at the bodies of women. Women on the street, women at school, women at work, etc.

But now his consciousness is dropping lower. In society, this causes women to become preoccupied with a new part of her body, her butt.

Women in more pure societies are never obsessed about their butts.

You can tell where a society is at in it’s decline by which part of the anatomy the female is most obsessed about.

The male becomes powerless in his reaction to the female form.

Every time he sees the female form, in photos or it life, he is intensely drawn to it. The female body has a seemingly magical hold over him, and his response to the female form is intense.

The female form becomes his true idol, his de facto god.

He is easily irritated, and easily loses his temper, especially after an orgasm.

Powers of focus and concentration lessen.

Becomes less competent and energetic in discharging his duties.

He has less patience and operates from a lower morale.

He is more likely to get into conflicts and arguments with others, and operate from a less noble emotional position.

He performs more other deeds which are unvirtuous, destructive, or negative.

Listless and lacks sparkle. He lacks energy. He is sick more. He may develop a chronic health problem.

Usually the sexing man comes to be more comfortable relating to women, and is uncomfortable with men.

Feels uncomfortable getting close to men, and avoids men as friends.

Men no longer appeal as companions, because he relates to others mostly with a sexual charge, and he has become so sexualized that it begins to respond to strange things, as if sexual desire had an omnivorous appetite.

You can usually tell a man who is fairly sexually clean, because he will have close non sexual male relationships, even preferring to be with men, with no sexual thing at all.

He begins to find himself attracted to things in the woman that did not have a sexual meaning before.

He is about to take the path of the demon, who is destined to be made fertilizer by the Divine Being.

A sexual thrill will begin to develop around increasingly perverse and disturbing things. With each new collapse, he yields something more in the realm of his conscience and values.

Man either moves into the darkness of sexual perversion, or realizes where he is headed and turns back in the direction of his original purity.

Most effective technique for regaining this lost purity is outright sexual renunciation, along with deep meditation.

Meditation is critically important, because it gives a more-than-ample replacement of the lost pleasure when pursued devoutly.

Steps along the way as he reverses his path:

Conscious realization that what he is doing is wrong and destructive in his life. He has become aware of becoming in some way sexually corrupted or perverted. He realizes he is addicted and begins to seek for help in some form.

It is good for the male to ask, in a conscious way, a higher power to intervene and assist him in overcoming the addiction.

The higher power might be termed God, Jesus Christ, or another guru. He makes a statement to himself of renunciation. Like a smoker who throws all his cigarettes in the sewer, he accomplishes an act of renunciation.

Begins to make an effort not to look at sexual things, read sexual things, or listen to sexual things, or go to women where does sexual things. Because of this effort he reduces his orgasms, but he will probably continue to slip regularly. When he does slip, he feels increasing remorse and disgust with himself. He prays more about the problem.

If the man is fortunate, he will find activities that substitute for the pleasure being given up. He will begin to turn the energy now saved to more constructive and positive activities. This may be involvement with people or service. It may be one of the arts. He may throw himself into writing a book, or reading and learning He may get obsessed with his car or some other vehicle, or begin some new interest. If he is very fortunate, he will discover meditation. This will eventually completely short circuit the sex addiction.

As he sexes less, any trend toward perversion begins to recede. He strips back the years and regains his more simple, healthy sexual interests.

Things that were once gross but had become interesting, now are gross and repugnant again. Small and wholesome matters become sexually attractive again, such as the sight of a woman’s calf, or the shape of her bust, or her downy cheek.

Restraint. He feels more sexually potent, and the attraction to women at times is quite strong. This occasionally causes him to slip again. As a once sexually active man attempts restraint, he naturally builds up a higher level of sexual potential.

He comes into states in which he feels more potent than ever.

At times, as this energy is building up but not transmuted, he feels so virile he thinks he could be a veritable stag, mating with many women. He can find sexual attraction to even the plainest of women at these times. He feels like his sexual energy is some kind of boon or precious gift he has to bestow. (This is true, but he should not let it trick him into the Deed.)

This is a lot of fun for him to feel this potent, so he will occasionally slip. Like a sailor who has been away at sea for months, sex desire becomes keen again, and he will at times savor it and “ride” it as he once did when he was younger and becoming addicted.

This is a mistake, but most men will go through phases like this. The stored up sexual energy is still inclined to want to go down through the lower.

He is trying to pen up a wild stallion that is used to running free. He has a tiger in the barn, and for a period it seems to be problematic.

Eventually the horse will be like a powerful, disciplined draft horse that can be applied to any task.

But during the beginning, the horse wants to bolt a lot. Because of the storing of the sexual energy, any fanning of the flame makes the man feel extremely passionate desire. What he has inside him seems more powerful than before.

With cultivation the tiger will become calm and serve you.

(Thinks that) “Celibacy must be impossible or bad. It makes men very horny.” But the fellow is only in an unbaked stage of unskilled celibacy.

The man has a long way to go yet. When he does slip, he will feel more remorse than ever.

And like an alcoholic, he will also find that he sinks to the old depths rather quickly. Whereas his sexual appetite had seemed so wholesome, now a perverse thought reappears. This happens after a slip. Channels have been “cut” in the body, brain, and astral body by the addiction and experiences of the past. These channels are still fresh. Weeds may be growing up in what was once a highway, but the path is still there. In Hinduism these impressions or markings are called “samskaras.” If you scratch a mark in the ground, water will tend to find that channel and flow down it.

Just abstaining and letting them lie fallow for a while doesn’t erase them. They are quickly reclaimed and reactivated with every lapse back into sexing.

There will be lapses. But the wise man continues to cultivate himself away from sexing. He may find he can will the sexual energy to bolt up up his spine. When doing so, his spine will bolt erect, as if his whole upper body had become an erection. He stops looking at the butts of women and their other physical features. When he does look, he feels a little disappointed by what he sees.

It’s just the same old butt. He starts to think, “You see one, you’ve seen them all.”

His most tempting sexual encounters begin to be in the dream state. He sees fewer women who attract him.

As he begins to purify himself of lust, he begins to sense lust in others.

Most women begin to seem used and soiled, or having lust. He senses these things by instinct.

Because he is becoming pure, he notices the impurity in others.

He finds that he is only attracted to those with some purity.

He no longer consciously masturbates; only in near sleep or sleep states.

He becomes keenly aware of how any loss of semen weakens him physically and demoralizes him. He may masturbate consciously or semi-consciously, but endeavors not to “leak” any semen.

He may experiment with Taoist" sexual practices in which sexual pleasure is indulged, but semen is retained or drawn back in. These cause harm to the sexual organs such as the prostate, plus keep him sexing and addicted to the thrill.

He sees how even the mental activity of lusting is vitiating and drains him of shakti.

He senses how even when he looks at a woman with lust, he is losing subtle shakti.

Now we have a man capable of becoming that jewel among men, the celibate.

Virya refers to noticeable qualities of character and countenance that come to the celibate male (In some Sutra translations the English word “vigor” is used instead).

Virya means the increase of masculine qualities such as strength, stamina, energy, clarity, patience and evenness.

His body, face and attitude.

He wins wars, and protects others who are more vulnerable. Virility also makes a man unafraid.

In the “Art of War” there is given this interesting strategy for winning a war: Send prostitutes into the enemy camp.

Sturdy, intrepid, and forceful.

The first evidence of a man’s progress in spiritual life is a strong grit.

What “grit” means: Firmness of character, especially in pain or danger.

Unrestrained and wanton sex destroys the character of man and takes away his courage.

Tejas (effulgence) Tejas refers to the sparkle in the eyes and, the glow of vitality, and charismatic aura around the face and body of a celibate saint or yogi.

You are sick less often. Many health problems will be mitigated, or disappear entirely. You need less sleep.

Develop a more even temperament.

Few things irritate you or cause you to lose your temper.

You are bolder, more courageous, and show integrity.

Develop consistency of character and more constancy in pursuing goals.

Even begin controlling “wet dreams”.

When any come close to attracting you, it will always be a woman who is herself developing moral purity.

You no longer create sexual experiences in the dream state. One begins to see the female form in a different way.

You begin seeing that almost all women assume males are no better than dogs, that all men inherently worship the female form, and that men are generally unable to resist any woman who gives them half a chance.

Women who are conventionally “sexy” will not attract this sort of man unless they have high moral virtue similar to his.

So it is that as men return to purity and goodness, women automatically follow.

Others notice you and are attracted to you more than before, especially women.

Happens to be attracted to the stored up sexual energy itself, which provides greater temptations to the celibate, and to her.

As a man withdraws energy from the lower centers and the sexual organ, sometimes a buzzing or vibrating sensation can be felt in the sexual members. This carries no erotic or sexual feeling.

This is the divine shakti knocking off layers of dark karma associated with that organ.

You stop having erections, even in the dream state.

Requires abstention from all caffeine.

A sign of spiritual development is a more pleasant and attractive voice.

Your words are found to have more effect. Your thoughts are found to influence your surroundings. People who spend time around you become more like you. Whatever spiritual realization you have, you become able to pass it to others.

One result is usually a heightened interest in God and pursuit of the spiritual life.

Even a celibate man who is not a God-seeker will influence others powerfully through his thoughts.

The buildup of the male energy, manifests as more energy.

Endurance, steadiness, toughness, and courage – in all areas of life.

Wasting of the male substance eventually makes a man weak, listless, timid, and feminine.

Place in the human brain associated with sexual orgasm. This area lies next to the part of the brain associated with violent aggression. As the sexer repeatedly “overheats” this part of the brain, it begins to fuse with the violent-aggressive part of the brain. Thus the sexer eventually finds that he is getting erections at the sight of blood and violence. We have a term from deep in our cultural history: “blood lust”.

Desire for celibacy does not often emerge in the female as compellingly as in a man who finally figures out the situation. First of all, sex desire tends not to become such a problem for the female, causing such negative consequences.

Any man who sexes more than once a month is automatically inferior to any woman.

A female yogi directing her shakti up the spine over a long time will eventually cease from having her period.

Many great female saints having the highest station of nirvikalpa samadhi. Examples: St. Teresa of Avila, Ananda Mayi Ma, the living saint Karuna Mayi.

The man is inherently rajasic, pushing outward and also manifests his spiritual progress more noticeably in the external realm.

Typical Male Weaknesses –Addiction to the Female Form; tendency to become addicted to sex –Lack Of interest in the spiritual and esoteric –Addiction to activity and worldly pursuits, Overly aggressive, combative nature.

Hurtfulness towards others which clouds his karma and hides from him the spiritual truth –Pride, ego, arrogance, lack of humility. –Fruitless intellectuality; tendency to become distracted by too many facts, details, and fine distinctions, Difficulty grasping the broad, ineffable, inarticulate sense of things –Enjoyment of arguing over spiritual things; lording spiritual knowledge over others –Less capacity for trust and Faith (shraddha) –More distance from the childlike consciousness –Less tendency for emotion and devotion (bhakti) –Tendency to believe in only external things –Tendency to view external things as more important, including in external things in the spiritual and religious fields. The male is the leader in the attraction to worldliness.

Tendency to silence, economy of words, which conserves his life force and reduces his entanglements, improving his sadhana.

When the male, for a long time, worships the female form, the female will necessarily come to worship her own form.

Woman has long been dismayed, bemused and even confused by the power of her body to hold such sway over the male.

Nothing in the material world, and no sensual feeling, can ever satisfy man because man is Spirit.

123 Magic (4/10)

Don’t argue with your kids. Manage behavior without getting angry. This was an exciting method at first but became un-managable. Focuses too much on last resort when all other methods fail. Instead of focusing on the all other methods. Very easy to use “breaks” and rewards to try and manipulate your child instead of teaching lessons and trying to get activities to be enjoyable in and of themselves. Read Playful Parenting instead.

Summary and Highlights

The 3 jobs for you as a parent

1. Control obnoxious Behavior (STOP behaviors)
2. Encourage good behavior (START behaviors)
3. Strengthening your relationship with your children.

Controlling obnoxious behavior (STOP Behaviors)

This is where counting and break times come in. You will use counting and break times for STOP behaviors.

Taking Breaks and Counting

A break is when parents and child can separate briefly so they can calm down and regroup. You do not talk about the behavior after the break. No need to punish the child twice. If the behavior was dangerous, unusual, or new, then give a brief explanation.

3 counts are needed before a break occurs. And after you’ve tried ignoring, sympathetic listening, distraction, and joint problem solving.

You and your child may fall for the arguing/ yelling/ hitting/ persuading/ defending/ rationalizing trap. You need to start counting before this happens. Once you notice that you’ve fallen in this trap. Simply go back to counting.

The parents tone should not be anger/ negative. It should simply be “I love you but you simply cannot behave this way”.

Straight to 3!

Major behavior goes straight to 3 and taking a break. This is stuff like hitting, spitting, etc. Still, you must be gentle and consistent. Then the child’s behavior will mature over time.

Your child won’t behave rationally when they are upset. Same goes to you! The brain is just not wired that way. When dealing with a child, you must manage the yelling/ screaming/ whining/ fighting. All while encouraging positive behaviors like eating, doing homework, cleaning up, going to bed and child/parent bonding.

To be an effective parent you must be gentle and friendly. The message your child receives should be that you love them and will take care of them.

You must also balance this with being firm and letting them know that you expect them to do something.

Children also will model your behavior. Like if you solve problems with anger. They will to. If you are calm and collected. They will learn that from you as well.

Counting is for STOP behaviors

You must control negative behaviors. These are things you want your children to STOP doing. And what you will use COUNTING for.

• Physical attacks on people , breaking something, fighting
• Teasing
• Whinin
• Temper (intimidation, “I HATE YOU!”)
• Arguing
• Badgering (wearing you down with repetition
• Tantrums
• Yelling
• Threat (I’m running away from home)
• Martyrdom (“I never get anything”)
• Crying, pouting, looking sad on purpose
• Saying something is unfair
• Butter up “you are the nicest dad in the world!”
• Promises/ insincere apologies

This is controlling obnoxious behavior. Or the demanding side of parenting. This teaches you and your child to hold back and avoid dysfunctional responses.

Methods for stop behaviors.

Counting

1. Go straight to 3 if behavior is dangerous or extreme.
2. Don’t talk or get angry, just count.
3. Voice should be casual but stern.
4. No extra talking or emotion.
5. Things should go back to normal after a count.
6. Counting with anger is challenging your child to misbehave.
7. Both parents can be involved in any of the counts (mom says 1 for first offense dad says 2, etc.).
8. Keep quit and ignore for minor offenses (depending on your fuse).
9. When in doubt count
10. Take about 5 seconds between counts
11. Start the counting cycle over longer as the child gets older. (15 minutes for 5 year old, 2-3 hours for an 11 year old, etc.
12. Do not punish bad grades, use the reward system for grades instead.
13. Explain to child the counting process when you first start.
14. Should not be used for bedtime.

Break time

1. One minute per year of the child’s life.
2. Do not make eye contact or talk to child.
3. Remain gentle but firm and instructive.
4. You do not have to close the door.
5. No lectures, explanations, or emotions after a break time.
6. Explanations are appropriate when the behavior is new, unusual, or dangerous.
7. Very gentle procedure to calm everyone down.
8. If child behaves, praise him and enjoy his company, if they do something else that is countable, count it.
9. Parent should not be furious, yelling, lecturing, or physical or emotionally abusive.
10. Most failures are because the parent forgets the no talking and no emotion rules.
11. Timer doesn’t start until child is done with tantrum (unless they are 3 or younger, then just let them out when their time is up, start the count over if they continue to misbehave after they get out).
12. Child can go to room and read, take a nap, play legos, draw, etc. No phone, no friends, and no electronic entertainment.
13. Use same strategy if company is over.
14. Send kid and friend outside if they both get counted to 3.
15. Give child a hug after break time if they want one.
16. Should happen right when the offense happens. Do not give a break time an hour later for something. If you can’t give a breaktime right away then use a breaktime alternative.

What if kids won’t go to break time?

1. Bring them to the room.
2. Choose a breaktime Alternative (you can give them a choice between a couple consequences, you pick if they won’t).
3. Reverse break time, you leave the room, walk around the house, don’t talk.
4. If they won’t come out of breaktime, that is okay, just tell them when their time is up.

What if they leave their room?

1. Add extra time.
2. Switch to break time alternative.
3. Doorknob cover.
4. Locking the door.
5. Tell them if they come out then the door gets closed.

Break Time Alternatives

Make sure these are fair and reasonable. And that the punishment fits the behavior.

• Loss of privilege or toy for a period of time.
• bedtime fifteen minutes earlier.
• forty cents off the allowance.
• no electronic entertainment for two hours.
• Earlier bedtime.
• No dessert or treat.
• No use of phone.
• No friend over.
• No conversation—fifteen minutes.
• Removal of DVD, iPod.
• Reduced computer time.
• Loss of TV for evening.
• Loss of electronic games—two hours.
• Monetary fine.
• Small chore—wash bathroom sink.
• Larger chore—weed yard.
• Write a paragraph.
• (Limited only by your imagination)

If a child has a fit when dropping off at daycare. Become master of the quick exit. Kiss goodbye, tell them when you’ll see them again, and get out of there. The more you talk, the worse you will make the situation.

Sibling rivalry? Never ask “what happened?” Count both kids. Put them in different break time locations.

Tantrums? Never talk or argue with a tantruming child.

Common mistakes when dealing with a misbehaving child

Mistake #1

Using counting for Start behavior (for example, counting a child to get her to do her homework).

Mistake # 2

Too much talking.

Mistake #3

Too much emotion.

Encourage good behavior. (START behaviors)

This takes more effort on the parent AND the child.

• Cleaning up after themselves.
• Going to bed on time.
• Being polite.
• Doing homework.

Warm and demanding side of parenting.

You do not count for these things. Instead, to encourage positive action, pick something from this list of methods.

You can use one or a combination of these:

• Praise
• Timers
• Natural Consequences
• Docking
• Charting
• Counting variation
• Simple requests
• Model behavior yourself
• Make activity fun or add diversions or friendly challenges
• Positive reinforcement
• Cheering and applauding, praise
• Elaborate for younger kids, heartfelt for older kids
• Praise in front of other people
• Unexpected praise
• Three positive comments for every negative comment
• Simple requests
• “It’s time to start your homework”
• Phrasing requests in a “matter of fact” tone
• Try not to spring requests out of the blue, give them some warning
• Structure tasks into fixed routines
• Kitchen timers
• The docking system
• If you don’t work, you don’t get paid
• Charge them money for doing their chores
• Natural consequences
• Let the big bad world teach lessons for you
• “I’m sure you’ll do better next time!” (offer encouragement)
• 3-4 things to work on at one time for a chart
• If they do good at something on a chart for a long period of time then replace it with something new
• Offer rewards for completing a chart
• Trip for icecream
• Tokens
• Small toy
• Rent a game
• Outing with parent
• Shopping trip
• Sleepover
• Game with parent
• No-chore voucher
• Camping in the backyard
• Card for a collection
• Tech time
• Breakfast in bed
• Cash
• Rent a movie
• Grab-bag surprise
• Comic book or magazine
• Friend over for supper
• Choice of three reinforcers
• Reading a story with parents
• Sleeping with the dog or cat
• Special phone call
• Collection items
• Helping make and eat cookies
• Using a power tool
• Staying up an extra 15 minutes

Counting Variation for start behaviors that only take a couple minutes to accomplish.

Children’s approximate capacities at different ages for doing independent school work:

Age 6: 10 minutes Age 7: 20 minutes Age 8: 30 minutes Age 9: 40 minutes

Strengthening your relationship with your children

• Make sure screen time does not replace face-to-face time.
• You value enjoying each other’s company.
• Critical for family well-being and child’s self-esteem that you like them and not just love them.

Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationships:

• Practice sympathetic listening
• Avoid over-parenting
• Join in one-on-one fun
• Solve problems together

If encouraging positive behavior in kids requires more motivation from the kids, it’s also going to require more motivation from Mom and Dad.

Anything You Want (8/10)

Quick read about creating the business (and life) that you want. These lessons spill over into other areas of life, maybe accidentally. Life isn’t all about maximizing profits and accelerated growth. Do what makes you happy. Treat your customers like rock stars and they will tell everyone.

Summary and Highlights

A business plan should never take more than a few hours of work. Hopefully no more than a few minutes. The best plans start simple. A quick glance and common sense should tell you if the numbers will work. The rest are details.

Success comes from persistently improving and inventing, not from persistently doing what’s not working.

No plan survives first contact with the customer.

By not having any money to waste, you never waste money.

Never forget that absolutely everything you do is for your customers.

Make every decision — even decisions about whether to expand the business, raise money, or promote someone — according to what’s best for your customers.

The way to grow your business is to focus entirely on your existing customers. Just thrill them, and they’ll tell everyone.

You need to confidently exclude people, and proudly say what you’re not. By doing so, you will win the hearts of the people you want.

You can’t pretend there’s only one way to do it. Your first idea is just one of many options.

No business goes as planned, so make ten radically different plans. Realizing the initial choice you made was just one of many.

You don’t need a plan or a vision.

Journalists would ask, “What’s your long-term goal?”

I’d say, “I don’t have one. I surpassed my goals long ago. I’m just trying to help musicians with whatever they need today.”

So please don’t think you need a huge vision. Just stay focused on helping people today.

How do you grade yourself?

It’s important to know in advance, to make sure you’re staying focused on what’s honestly important to you, instead of doing what others think you should.

Never forget why you’re really doing what you’re doing.

Are you helping people?

Are they happy?

Are you happy?

Are you profitable?

Isn’t that enough?

All bad service comes from a mindset of scarcity. They act like they’ll go out of business if they don’t fiercely guard their bottom line. The short-term thinking of desperate survival blocks the long-term thinking of smart strategy.

If you really feel secure and abundant — that you have plenty to share — then this feeling of generosity will flow down into all of your interactions with customers.

Give refunds. Give them attention. Take a little loss. You can afford it.

Losing 25 cents on extra sauce can mean winning the loyalty of a customer who will spend $1000 with you over the next ten years, and tell twenty friends that you’re awesome.

It’s all about them, not you.

The Tao of business: Care about your customers more than about yourself, and you’ll do well.

If you set up your business like you don’t need the money, people are happier to pay you.

When someone’s doing something for the money, people can sense it, like a desperate lover. It’s a turn-off.

We want to give to those who give.

People will choose one company over another just because they like the customer service.

Customer service is not an expense to be minimized. It’s a core profit center, like sales. It’s where you should put your best people.

It’s much harder to get a new customer than it is to get more business from an existing customer.

Take a few inefficient minutes to get to know anyone who contacts you.

Imagine what you’d do if your favorite rock star called. You’d drop everything, and give them all the time in the world. So that’s how you should treat everyone that contacts your company.

Why not? You don’t have time? Make time. It’s how everyone deserves to be treated.

It makes life better. It makes work more fun. And it’s the right thing to do.

But the best thing to do is to lose the fight. Let them know that they were right, and the company was wrong. Tell them you’re prepared to do whatever it takes to make them happy again.

Loud people are loud people, whether complaining or praising. So when you get some loud complaint, use that opportunity to make them so happy that they become a loud evangelist.

When one customer wrongs you, remember the thousands that did not.

It’s often the tiny details that really thrill people enough to make them tell all their friends about you.

In the end, it’s about what you want to be, not what you want to have.

Doesn’t every business want to be as big as possible?

No. Make sure you know what makes you happy, and don’t forget it.

Trust, but verify.

Remember it when delegating. You have to do both.

Abdicate means to surrender or relinquish power or responsibility.

This word is usually used when a king abdicates the throne or crown.

Delegate, but don’t abdicate.

Entrepreneurs, “How do you know when it’s time to sell?”.

My answer is, “You’ll know".

I live simply. I don’t own a house, a car, or even a TV. The less I own, the happier I am. The lack of stuff gives me the priceless freedom to live anywhere anytime.

Why you need your own company:

We all need a place to play.

Those of us with business ideas? We need a company.

Not for the money, but because it’s our place to experiment, create, and turn thoughts into reality. We need to pursue our intrinsic motivation.

We have so many interesting ideas and theories. We need to try them!

The happiest people are not lounging on beaches. They’re engaged in interesting work!

Some want to be famous in Silicon Valley. Some want to be anonymous.

No matter which goal you choose, there will be lots of people telling you you’re wrong.

Just pay close attention to what excites you and what drains you. Pay close attention to when you’re being the real you and when you’re trying to impress an invisible jury.

Even if what you’re doing is slowing the growth of your business — if it makes you happy, that’s OK. It’s your choice to remain small.

Book Graveyard

I started keeping a list of all of the books I did not finish. These aren’t necessarily bad books. A lot of them I’ve read 3/4 of the way through and just never finished because other priorities got in the way. Some of them I probably won’t pick up again. And some were just plain awful.

• Antifragile
• 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos
• The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)
• Crush It!: Why NOW Is the Time to Cash In on Your Passion
• Ninja Selling: Subtle Skills. Big Results.
• The Royal Road to Card Magic
• The Book Of Pook
• Bang: The Most Infamous Pickup Book In The World
• New World Ronin: Strategies for Artists, Entrepreneurs, Rebels, Warriors and Outcasts
• The Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ
• The Bible
• A Byte of Python
• Bachelor Pad Economics
• What Color Is Your Parachute? 2019: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers
• The Cheater’s Guide to Writing Erotic Romance
• Let’s Play Chess: A Step by Step Guide for New Players (The Pandolfini Chess Library): A Step-By-Step Guide for New Players
• Chess Fundamentals
• Stick Control: For the Snare Drummer
• The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love
• Jiu-Jitsu University
• CCNP and CCIE Enterprise Core ENCOR 350-401 Official Cert Guidee
• The Miracle Morning for Addiction Recovery: Letting Go of Who You’ve Been for Who You Can Become
• Reset Your Child’s Brain: A Four-Week Plan to End Meltdowns, Raise Grades, and Boost Social Skills by Reversing the Effects of Electronic Screen-Time
• How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series
• The Neverending Story
• How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood (The How To Talk Series)
• Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now
• Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World
• Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less
• Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World
• How To Bullet Journal For Beginners: The Ultimate Bullet Journal Guide To Effectively Master Your Life, Reach Your Goals, & Manifest Your Dreams (BONUS: Mastery Journal Template Included!)
• Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction Is Hijacking Our Kids – And How to Break the Trance
• The DHEA Breakthrough: Look Younger, Live Longer, Feel Better
• Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values
• Feelings Buried Alive Never Die
• The Healing Nutrients Within
• Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction: The Trigger Point Manual; Vol. 1. The Upper Half of Body
• Fretboard Logic SE - Special Edition The Reasoning Behind the Guitar’s Unique Tuning + Chords Scales and Arpeggios Complete (Volumes I and II Combined
• The E-Myth Revisited: Why Most Small Businesses Don’t Work and What to Do About It
• The 48 Laws of Power
• Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy
• Introducing Neuro-linguistic Programming: The New Psychology of Personal Excellence
• NLP: The New Technology of Achievement
• The Selfish Gene: 30th Anniversary Edition–with a new Introduction by the Author
• Unlimited Power : The New Science Of Personal Achievement
• Awaken the Giant Within : How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny
• Testosterone: A Man’s Guide- Second Edition
• To Be a Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power
• Medicinal Mushrooms: The Essential Guide
• Blood Meridian: Or the Evening Redness in the West
• About Face: The Odyssey of an American Warrior
• Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation
• The Karezza Method: Magnetation, The Art of Connubial Love (Forgotten Books
• NLP: The Essential Guide to Neuro-Linguistic Programming
• The Backyard Blacksmith: Traditional Techniques for the Modern Smith
• Breakthrough Advertising: How to Write Ads that Shatter Traditions and Sales Records
• How to Write a Good Advertisement
• Coaching Questions: A Coach’s Guide to Powerful Asking Skills
• Do You Talk Funny?: 7 Comedy Habits to Become a Better (and Funnier) Public Speaker
• The Frozen Shoulder Workbook: Trigger Point Therapy for Overcoming Pain and Regaining Range of Motion (A New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook
• Silver Surfer: Rebirth of Thanos (Silver Surfer (Paperback)
• The Creative Cure: How Finding and Freeing Your Inner Artist Can Heal Your Life
• The Slight Edge
• The Coiled Serpent
• Unconditional Parenting
• The Other End of the Leash
• The Oxygen Advantage
• UNIX and Linux System Administration Handbook
• The Linux Command Line, 2nd Edition: A Complete Introduction
• The 80/20 Principle: The Secret to Achieving More with Less
• The Rape Of Nanking: The Forgotten Holocaust Of World War II

Master Reading List

In Progress

I am reading way too many books at once. Goal is to cut this list down and read only 1 book at a time.

• The Fellowship of the Ring
• Letters From a Stoic

Books I have Read

These are books that I have read from cover to cover.

Health and Fitness

• The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss (Why Intermittent Fasting Is the Key to Controlling Your Weight
• The Little Book of Quitting Caffeine: Freedom From Addiction
• Meat Is for Pussies: A How-To Guide for Dudes Who Want to Get Fit, Kick Ass, and Take Names
• Caffeine Blues: Wake Up to the Hidden Dangers of America’s #1 Drug
• Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams and Building a Strong Foundation for Enhancing Performance
• Deskbound: Standing Up to a Sitting World
• Mega Brain Power: Transform Your Life With Mind Machines and Brain Nutrients
• Ready to Run: Unlocking Your Potential to Run Naturally
• 5/3/1: The Simplest and Most Effective Training System for Raw Strength
• Skinny Bitch: A No-Nonsense, Tough-Love Guide for Savvy Girls Who Want to Stop Eating Crap and Start Looking Fabulous!
• The Starch Solution: Eat the Foods You Love, Regain Your Health, and Lose the Weight for Good! ✅ 2024-12-06
• The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook: Your Self-Treatment Guide for Pain Relief]
• Becoming a Supple Leopard: The Ultimate Guide to Resolving Pain, Preventing Injury, and Optimizing Athletic Performance
• How Not to Die: Discover the Foods Scientifically Proven to Prevent and Reverse Disease
• Becoming a Supple Leopard 2nd Edition: The Ultimate Guide to Resolving Pain, Preventing Injury, and Optimizing Athletic Performance
• Improve the Quality of Your Life - Why Live in Pain?

Money

• Who Owns the Ice House? : Eight Life Lessons From an Unlikely Entrepreneur
• How To Make More Money Serving: Your Step by Step Guide for Increasing Tips
• How to Become an Excellent Server: Earn a Tip Above 20% Every Time
• Service That Sells!: The Art of Profitable Hospitality
• The Renegade Server: Uncommon Strategies for Making more Money in 21st Century Food Service
• Earn More Tips On Your Very Next Shift…Even If You’re a Bad Waiter
• Server Sales Training: Grow your restaurant’s profits with minimal effort. Restaurants; Secrets to Success Book 1
• What Rich People Know & Desperately Want to Keep Secret
• The Millionaire Fastlane: Crack the Code to Wealth and Live Rich for a Lifetime!
• The Richest Man in Babylon
• The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America’s Wealthy
• The Million Dollar Weekend
• Anything You Want
• The Blog Startup
• The Psychology of Money
• How to Get Rich
• I Will Teach You to Be Rich ✅ 2024-12-06

Dating and Relationships

• Online dating for guys
• Saving a Low Sex Marriage: A Man’s Guide to Dread, Seduction and the Long Game
• What Women Want When They Test Men: How to Decode Female Behavior, Pass a Woman’s Tests, and Attract Women Through Authenticity
• The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
• Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships
• The Red Queen: Sex and the Evolution of Human Nature
• She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman
• The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
• Discovering Sexuality That Will Satisfy You Both: When Couples Want Differing Amounts and Different Kinds of Sex
• Mystery Method
• Rules of the Game
• The Natural: How to Effortlessly Attract the Women You Want
• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Do It Once and Do It Right
• The Sex God Method
• The Truth
• The Relationship Handbook

Fiction

• Infinity War
• Infinity Gauntlet
• Harry Potter
• Wabi
• Where the Red Fern Grows
• MAUS
• The Hobbit

Martial Arts

• Jiu-Jitsu on the Brain
• Mastering the Rubber Guard: Jiu Jitsu for Mixed Martial Arts Competition
• The Professor in the Cage: Why Men Fight and Why We Like to Watch
• Rousey

Writing

• The War of Art
• Why You Should Write for Medium.com: The Best Way to Get Readers and Make Money Blogging
• Steal Like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative (Austin Kleon)
• Keep Going: 10 Ways to Stay Creative in Good Times and Bad (Austin Kleon)
• Show Your Work!: 10 Ways to Share Your Creativity and Get Discovered (Austin Kleon)
• Everybody Writes: Your Go-To Guide to Creating Ridiculously Good Content
• So You Think You Can Write? The Definitive Guide to Successful Online Writing
• Content Writing 101: Win High Paying Online Content Writing Jobs And Build Financial Freedom With SEO Marketing
• How to Launch a Freelance Copywriting Business: Creative Writing for a Living (Method Writing)
• Cashvertising: How to Use More Than 100 Secrets of Ad-Agency Psychology to Make Big Money Selling Anything to Anyone
• The Boron Letters
• Scientific Advertising

Personal Development

• Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones
• The 5AM Club: Own Your Morning. Elevate Your Life.
• The Magic of Thinking Big ✅ 2024-12-06
• The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire (20th Anniversary Edition)
• The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business
• The Mindful Attraction Plan: Your Practical Roadmap to Creating the Life, Love and Success You Want
• Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction
• Allen Carr’s Easy Way To Stop Smoking
• Smash Your Comfort Zone with Cold Showers: How to Boost Your Energy, Defeat Your Anxiety, and Overcome Unwanted Habits
• No More Mr. Nice Guy
• The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression!
• The Experience of Insight: A Simple & Direct Guide to Buddhist Meditation
• Goal!: Your 30-Day Game Plan for Business and Career Success
• Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives ✅ 2024-12-06
• The Monk and the Riddle: The Education of a Silicon Valley Entrepreneur
• Bold: How to Go Big, Create Wealth and Impact the World
• The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
• Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking
• Emergency: This Book Will Save Your Life
• The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
• Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
• Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life
• Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy SEALs Lead and Win
• The Alchemist ✅ 2024-12-06
• Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience
• Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
• 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works ✅ 2024-12-06
• Think and Grow Rich: The Landmark Bestseller Now Revised and Updated for the 21st Century
• Outliers: The Story of Success
• The Prophet
• DMT: The Spirit Molecule: A Doctor’s Revolutionary Research into the Biology of Near Death and Mystical Experiences
• The 12 week Year
• Bliss of the Celibate
• Dopamine Nation

Dog Training

• The Power of Positive Dog Training

Tech

• CompTIA A+ Certification All-in-One Exam Guide, Tenth Edition (Exams 220-1001 & 220-1002)
• The Pentester BluePrint: Starting a Career as an Ethical Hacker
• CCNA Certification Study Guide, Volume 2: Exam 200-301
• Understanding Cisco Networking Technologies, Volume 1: Exam 200-301 (CCNA Certification)
• CCNA OCG

History

• Unit 731: Testimony
• Night (The Night Trilogy, #1)]
• MAUS
• American Sniper ✅ 2024-12-06

Parenting

• It’s Never Too Late to Sleep Train: The Low-Stress Way to High-Quality Sleep for Babies, Kids, and Parents
• 1-2-3 Magic: Gentle 3-Step Child & Toddler Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting (Positive Parenting Guide for Raising Happy Kids)
• Mikey and the Dragons
• First Time Dad: The Stuff You Really Need to Know
• The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be
• I Wonder
• She’s Having a Baby - and I’m Having a Breakdown
• 150 Tips and Tricks for New Dads: From the First Feeding to Diaper-Changing Disasters - Everything You Need to Know to Be a Great Father
• Be Prepared
• Dude, You’re Gonna Be a Dad!: How to Get (Both of You) Through the Next 9 Months
• Playful Parenting

Philosophy & Religion

• Letter to a Christian Nation ✅ 2024-12-07
• The Enchiridion of Epictetus
• Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion
• The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason
• Lying
• The Moral Landscape: How Science Can Determine Human Values
• Islam and the Future of Tolerance: A Dialogue]
• Free Will
• A guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy
• Meditations

Audio Books

• Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art
• Marc’s Mission: Way of the Warrior Kid, Book 2]
• You Are a Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth
• Animal Liberation: The Definitive Classic of the Animal Movement
• Way of the Warrior Kid: From Wimpy to Warrior the Navy SEAL Way
• Our Final Invention: Artificial Intelligence and the End of the Human Era

Meditations (9/10)

I enjoyed reading this more than I thought I would. The emperor spent a great deal thinking about what it means to be human, philosophy, on life, on dying, and how best to navigate the world. Both the internal world of the mind and soul, and the external world of matter and other people.

This book makes me want to keep a better journaling habit. And study philosophy. And not worry about things that do not matter. Because we all become dust in the end anyway.

Marcus Aurellius also cut through what does matter. Such as service to others. Speaking truthfully. Not letting your situation bother you.

Summary and Highlights

Self-control and resistance to distractions.

Optimism in adversity—especially illness.

That I had someone—as a ruler and as a father—who could keep me from being arrogant and make me realize that even at court you can live without a troop of bodyguards, and gorgeous clothes, lamps, sculpture—the whole charade. That you can behave almost like an ordinary person without seeming slovenly or careless as a ruler or when carrying out official obligations.

Remember how long you’ve been putting this off, how many extensions the gods gave you, and you didn’t use them. At some point you have to recognize what world it is that you belong to; what power rules it and from what source you spring; that there is a limit to the time assigned you, and if you don’t use it to free yourself it will be gone and will never return.

Do external things distract you? Then make time for yourself to learn something worthwhile; stop letting yourself be pulled in all directions. But make sure you guard against the other kind of confusion. People who labor all their lives but have no purpose to direct every thought and impulse toward are wasting their time—even when hard at work.

Not just that every day more of our life is used up and less and less of it is left, but this too: if we live longer, can we be sure our mind will still be up to understanding the world—to the contemplation that aims at divine and human knowledge? If our mind starts to wander, we’ll still go on breathing, go on eating, imagining things, feeling urges and so on. But getting the most out of ourselves, calculating where our duty lies, analyzing what we hear and see, deciding whether it’s time to call it quits—all the things you need a healthy mind for … all those are gone.

So we need to hurry.

Not just because we move daily closer to death but also because our understanding—our grasp of the world—may be gone before we get there.

You need to avoid certain things in your train of thought: everything random, everything irrelevant. And certainly everything self-important or malicious. You need to get used to winnowing your thoughts, so that if someone says, “What are you thinking about?” you can respond at once (and truthfully) that you are thinking this or thinking that. And it would be obvious at once from your answer that your thoughts were straightforward and considerate ones—the thoughts of an unselfish person, one unconcerned with pleasure and with sensual indulgence generally, with squabbling, with slander and envy, or anything else you’d be ashamed to be caught thinking.

What is it—this thing that now forces itself on my notice? What is it made up of? How long was it designed to last? And what qualities do I need to bring to bear on it—tranquillity, courage, honesty, trustworthiness, straightforwardness, independence or what?

People try to get away from it all—to the country, to the beach, to the mountains. You always wish that you could too. Which is idiotic: you can get away from it anytime you like.

By going within.

Nowhere you can go is more peaceful—more free of interruptions—than your own soul. Especially if you have other things to rely on. An instant’s recollection and there it is: complete tranquillity. And by tranquillity I mean a kind of harmony.

So keep getting away from it all—like that. Renew yourself. But keep it brief and basic. A quick visit should be enough to ward off all and send you back ready to face what awaits you.

What’s there to complain about? People’s misbehavior? But take into consideration:

• that rational beings exist for one another;
• that doing what’s right sometimes requires patience;
• that no one does the wrong thing deliberately;
• and the number of people who have feuded and envied and hated and fought and died and been buried.

“If you seek tranquillity, do less.” Or (more accurately) do what’s essential—what the logos of a social being requires, and in the requisite way. Which brings a double satisfaction: to do less, better.

Because most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you’ll have more time, and more tranquillity. Ask yourself at every moment, “Is this necessary?”

But we need to eliminate unnecessary assumptions as well. To eliminate the unnecessary actions that follow.

Words once in common use now sound archaic. And the names of the famous dead as well: Camillus, Caeso, Volesus, Dentatus … Scipio and Cato … Augustus … Hadrian and Antoninus, and …

Everything fades so quickly, turns into legend, and soon oblivion covers it.

And those are the ones who shone. The rest—“unknown, unasked-for” a minute after death. What is “eternal” fame? Emptiness.

Then what should we work for?

Only this: proper understanding; unselfish action; truthful speech. A resolve to accept whatever happens as necessary and familiar, flowing like water from that same source and spring.

Constant awareness that everything is born from change. The knowledge that there is nothing nature loves more than to alter what exists and make new things like it. All that exists is the seed of what will emerge from it. You think the only seeds are the ones that make plants or children? Go deeper.

On the verge of dying and still weighed down, still turbulent, still convinced external things can harm you, still rude to other people, still not acknowledging the truth: that wisdom is justice.

So remember this principle when something threatens to cause you pain: the thing itself was no misfortune at all; to endure it and prevail is great good fortune.

A trite but effective tactic against the fear of death: think of the list of people who had to be pried away from life. What did they gain by dying old? In the end, they all sleep six feet under— Caedicianus, Fabius, Julian, Lepidus, and all the rest. They buried their contemporaries, and were buried in turn.

Our lifetime is so brief. And to live it out in these circumstances, among these people, in this body? Nothing to get excited about. Consider the abyss of time past, the infinite future. Three days of life or three generations: what’s the difference?

No one could ever accuse you of being quick-witted.

All right, but there are plenty of other things you can’t claim you “haven’t got in you.” Practice the virtues you can show: honesty, gravity, endurance, austerity, resignation, abstinence, patience, sincerity, moderation, seriousness, high-mindedness. Don’t you see how much you have to offer—beyond excuses like “can’t”? And yet you still settle for less.

Or is it some inborn condition that makes you whiny and grasping and obsequious, makes you complain about your body and curry favor and show off and leaves you so turbulent inside?

No. You could have broken free a long way back. And then you would have been only a little slow. “Not so quick on the uptake.”

And you need to work on that as well—that slowness. Not something to be ignored, let alone to prize.

Not to feel exasperated, or defeated, or despondent because your days aren’t packed with wise and moral actions. But to get back up when you fail, to celebrate behaving like a human—however imperfectly—and fully embrace the pursuit that you’ve embarked on.

Things have no hold on the soul. They have no access to it, cannot move or direct it. It is moved and directed by itself alone. It takes the things before it and interprets them as it sees fit.

In a sense, people are our proper occupation. Our job is to do them good and put up with them.

Keep in mind how fast things pass by and are gone—those that are now, and those to come. Existence flows past us like a river: the “what” is in constant flux, the “why” has a thousand variations. Nothing is stable, not even what’s right here. The infinity of past and future gapes before us—a chasm whose depths we cannot see.

So it would take an idiot to feel self-importance or distress. Or any indignation, either. As if the things that irritate us lasted.

Soon you’ll be ashes, or bones. A mere name, at most—and even that is just a sound, an echo. The things we want in life are empty, stale, and trivial. Dogs snarling at each other. Quarreling children—laughing and then bursting into tears a moment later. Trust, shame, justice, truth—“ gone from the earth and only found in heaven.”

Why are you still here? Sensory objects are shifting and unstable; our senses dim and easily deceived; the soul itself a decoction of the blood; fame in a world like this is worthless.

—And so?

Wait for it patiently—annihilation or metamorphosis.

—And until that time comes—what?

Honor and revere the gods, treat human beings as they deserve, be tolerant with others and strict with yourself. Remember, nothing belongs to you but your flesh and blood—and nothing else is under your control.

You can lead an untroubled life provided you can grow, can think and act systematically.

Two characteristics shared by gods and men (and every rational creature):

i. Not to let others hold you back.

ii. To locate goodness in thinking and doing the right thing, and to limit your desires to that.

Not to be overwhelmed by what you imagine, but just do what you can and should. And if <…> suffer in inessentials, not to treat that as a defeat. (Bad habit.)

Like the old man asking for the orphan’s toy on the way out—even though he knew that’s all it was. Like that

I was once a fortunate man but at some point fortune abandoned me.

But true good fortune is what you make for yourself. Good fortune: good character, good intentions, and good actions.

To move from one unselfish action to another with God in mind.

Only there, delight and stillness.

When jarred, unavoidably, by circumstances, revert at once to yourself, and don’t lose the rhythm more than you can help. You’ll have a better grasp of the harmony if you keep on going back to it.

Like seeing roasted meat and other dishes in front of you and suddenly realizing: This is a dead fish. A dead bird. A dead pig. Or that this noble vintage is grape juice, and the purple robes are sheep wool dyed with shellfish blood. Or making love—something rubbing against your penis, a brief seizure and a little cloudy liquid.

Perceptions like that—latching onto things and piercing through them, so we see what they really are. That’s what we need to do all the time—all through our lives when things lay claim to our trust—to lay them bare and see how pointless they are, to strip away the legend that encrusts them.

Pride is a master of deception: when you think you’re occupied in the weightiest business, that’s when he has you in his spell.

(Compare Crates on Xenocrates.)

Some things are rushing into existence, others out of it. Some of what now exists is already gone. Change and flux constantly remake the world, just as the incessant progression of time remakes eternity.

We find ourselves in a river. Which of the things around us should we value when none of them can offer a firm foothold?

Like an attachment to a sparrow: we glimpse it and it’s gone.

And life itself: like the decoction of blood, the drawing in of air. We expel the power of breathing we drew in at birth (just yesterday or the day before), breathing it out like the air we exhale at each moment.

The way people behave. They refuse to admire their contemporaries, the people whose lives they share. No, but to be admired by Posterity—people they’ve never met and never will—that’s what they set their hearts on. You might as well be upset at not being a hero to your great-grandfather.

Not to assume it’s impossible because you find it hard. But to recognize that if it’s humanly possible, you can do it too.

In the ring, our opponents can gouge us with their nails or butt us with their heads and leave a bruise, but we don’t denounce them for it or get upset with them or regard them from then on as violent types. We just keep an eye on them after that. Not out of hatred or suspicion. Just keeping a friendly distance.

We need to do that in other areas. We need to excuse what our sparring partners do, and just keep our distance—without suspicion or hatred.

Death. The end of sense-perception, of being controlled by our emotions, of mental activity, of enslavement to our bodies.

To escape imperialization—that indelible stain. It happens. Make sure you remain straightforward, upright, reverent, serious, unadorned, an ally of justice, pious, kind, affectionate, and doing your duty with a will. Fight to be the person philosophy tried to make you.

Revere the gods; watch over human beings. Our lives are short. The only rewards of our existence here are an unstained character and unselfish acts.

You take things you don’t control and define them as “good” or “bad.” And so of course when the “bad” things happen, or the “good” ones don’t, you blame the gods and feel hatred for the people responsible—or those you decide to make responsible. Much of our bad behavior stems from trying to apply those criteria. If we limited “good” and “bad” to our own actions, we’d have no call to challenge God, or to treat other people as enemies.

Does the sun try to do the rain’s work? Or Asclepius Demeter’s? And what about each of the stars—different, yet working in common?

The only thing that isn’t worthless: to live this life out truthfully and rightly. And be patient with those who don’t.

When you need encouragement, think of the qualities the people around you have: this one’s energy, that one’s modesty, another’s generosity, and so on. Nothing is as encouraging as when virtues are visibly embodied in the people around us, when we’re practically showered with them.

It’s good to keep this in mind.

It doesn’t bother you that you weigh only x or y pounds and not three hundred. Why should it bother you that you have only x or y years to live and not more? You accept the limits placed on your body. Accept those placed on your time.

Ambition means tying your well-being to what other people say or do.

Self-indulgence means tying it to the things that happen to you.

Sanity means tying it to your own actions.

Practice really hearing what people say. Do your best to get inside their minds.

You cannot quench understanding unless you put out the insights that compose it. But you can rekindle those at will, like glowing coals. I can control my thoughts as necessary; then how can I be troubled? What is outside my mind means nothing to it. Absorb that lesson and your feet stand firm.

You can return to life. Look at things as you did before. And life returns.

No matter what anyone says or does, my task is to be good. Like gold or emerald or purple repeating to itself, “No matter what anyone says or does, my task is to be emerald, my color undiminished.”

To feel affection for people even when they make mistakes is uniquely human. You can do it, if you simply recognize: that they’re human too, that they act out of ignorance, against their will, and that you’ll both be dead before long. And, above all, that they haven’t really hurt you. They haven’t diminished your ability to choose.

Treat what you don’t have as nonexistent. Look at what you have, the things you value most, and think of how much you’d crave them if you didn’t have them. But be careful. Don’t feel such satisfaction that you start to overvalue them—that it would upset you to lose them.

“ Then the only proper response for me to make is this: ‘You are much mistaken, my friend, if you think that any man worth his salt cares about the risk of death and doesn’t concentrate on this alone: whether what he’s doing is right or wrong, and his behavior a good man’s or a bad one’s.’ ”

Look at the past—empire succeeding empire—and from that, extrapolate the future: the same thing. No escape from the rhythm of events.

Which is why observing life for forty years is as good as a thousand. Would you really see anything new?

Everywhere, at each moment, you have the option:

• to accept this event with humility
• to treat this person as he should be treated
• to approach this thought with care, so that nothing irrational creeps in.

Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly.

And this too: you don’t need much to live happily. And just because you’ve abandoned your hopes of becoming a great thinker or scientist, don’t give up on attaining freedom, achieving humility, serving others, obeying God.

To live life in peace, immune to all compulsion. Let them scream whatever they want. Let animals dismember this soft flesh that covers you. How would any of that stop you from keeping your mind calm—reliably sizing up what’s around you—and ready to make good use of whatever happens? So that Judgment can look the event in the eye and say, “This is what you really are, regardless of what you may look like.” While Adaptability adds, “You’re just what I was looking for.” Because to me the present is a chance for the exercise of rational virtue—civic virtue—in short, the art that men share with gods. Both treat whatever happens as wholly natural; not novel or hard to deal with, but familiar and easily handled.

The gods live forever and yet they don’t seem annoyed at having to put up with human beings and their behavior throughout eternity. And not only put up with but actively care for them.

And you—on the verge of death—you still refuse to care for them, although you’re one of them yourself.

If it’s in your control, why do you do it? If it’s in someone else’s, then who are you blaming? Atoms? The gods? Stupid either way.

Blame no one. Set people straight, if you can. If not, just repair the damage. And suppose you can’t do that either. Then where does blaming people get you?

No pointless actions.

What dies doesn’t vanish. It stays here in the world, transformed, dissolved, as parts of the world, and of you. Which are transformed in turn—without grumbling.

Everything is here for a purpose, from horses to vine shoots. What’s surprising about that? Even the sun will tell you, “I have a purpose,” and the other gods as well. And why were you born? For pleasure? See if that answer will stand up to questioning.

Joy for humans lies in human actions.

Human actions: kindness to others, contempt for the senses, the interrogation of appearances, observation of nature and of events in nature.

Three relationships:

i. with the body you inhabit; ii. with the divine, the cause of everything in all things; iii. with the people around you.

Either pain affects the body (which is the body’s problem) or it affects the soul. But the soul can choose not to be affected, preserving its own serenity, its own tranquillity. All our decisions, urges, desires, aversions lie within. No evil can touch them.

You have to assemble your life yourself—action by action. And be satisfied if each one achieves its goal, as far as it can. No one can keep that from happening.

—But there are external obstacles.…

Not to behaving with justice, self-control, and good sense.

—Well, but perhaps to some more concrete action.

But if you accept the obstacle and work with what you’re given, an alternative will present itself—another piece of what you’re trying to assemble. Action by action.

Have you ever seen a severed hand or foot, or a decapitated head, just lying somewhere far away from the body it belonged to …? That’s what we do to ourselves—or try to—when we rebel against what happens to us, when we segregate ourselves. Or when we do something selfish.

You have torn yourself away from unity—your natural state, one you were born to share in. Now you’ve cut yourself off from it.

But you have one advantage here: you can reattach yourself. A privilege God has granted to no other part of no other whole—to be separated, cut away, and reunited. But look how he’s singled us out. He’s allowed us not to be broken off in the first place, and when we are he’s allowed us to return, to graft ourselves back on, and take up our old position once again: part of a whole.

We have various abilities, present in all rational creatures as in the nature of rationality itself. And this is one of them. Just as nature takes every obstacle, every impediment, and works around it—turns it to its purposes, incorporates it into itself—so, too, a rational being can turn each setback into raw material and use it to achieve its goal.

Don’t let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole. Don’t try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand, and ask, “Why is this so unbearable? Why can’t I endure it?” You’ll be embarrassed to answer.

Then remind yourself that past and future have no power over you. Only the present—and even that can be minimized. Just mark off its limits. And if your mind tries to claim that it can’t hold out against that  … well, then, heap shame upon it.

Stop perceiving the pain you imagine and you’ll remain completely unaffected.

—“You?”

Your logos .

—But I’m not just logos .

Fine. Just don’t let the logos be injured. If anything else is, let it decide that for itself.

For animate beings, “harmful” is whatever obstructs the operation of their senses—or the fulfillment of what they intend. Similar obstructions constitute harm to plants. So too for rational creatures, anything that obstructs the operation of the mind is harmful.

Apply this to yourself.

Do pain and pleasure have their hooks in you? Let the senses deal with it. Are there obstacles to your action? If you failed to reckon with the possibility, then that would harm you, as a rational being. But if you use common sense, you haven’t been harmed or even obstructed. No one can obstruct the operations of the mind. Nothing can get at them—not fire or steel, not tyrants, not abuse—nothing. As long as it’s “ a sphere … in perfect stillness.”

I have no right to do myself an injury. Have I ever injured anyone else if I could avoid it?

People find pleasure in different ways. I find it in keeping my mind clear. In not turning away from people or the things that happen to them. In accepting and welcoming everything I see. In treating each thing as it deserves.

Lift me up and hurl me. Wherever you will. My spirit will be gracious to me there—gracious and satisfied—as long as its existence and actions match its nature.

Is there any reason why my soul should suffer and be degraded—miserable, tense, huddled, frightened? How could there be?

External things are not the problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.

If the problem is something in your own character, who’s stopping you from setting your mind straight?

And if it’s that you’re not doing something you think you should be, why not just do it?

—But there are insuperable obstacles.

Then it’s not a problem. The cause of your inaction lies outside you.

—But how can I go on living with that undone?

Then depart, with a good conscience, as if you’d done it, embracing the obstacles too.

Nothing but what you get from first impressions. That someone has insulted you, for instance. That—but not that it’s done you any harm. The fact that my son is sick—that I can see. But “that he might die of it,” no. Stick with first impressions. Don’t extrapolate. And nothing can happen to you.

Or extrapolate. From a knowledge of all that can happen in the world.

No carelessness in your actions. No confusion in your words. No imprecision in your thoughts. No retreating into your own soul, or trying to escape it. No overactivity.

They kill you, cut you with knives, shower you with curses. And that somehow cuts your mind off from clearness, and sanity, and self-control, and justice?

A man standing by a spring of clear, sweet water and cursing it. While the fresh water keeps on bubbling up. He can shovel mud into it, or dung, and the stream will carry it away, wash itself clean, remain unstained.

To have that. Not a cistern but a perpetual spring.

How? By working to win your freedom. Hour by hour. Through patience, honesty, humility.

Not to know what the world is is to be ignorant of where you are.

Not to know why it’s here is to be ignorant of who you are. And what it is.

Not to know any of this is to be ignorant of why you’re here.

And what are we to make of anyone who cares about the applause of such people, who don’t know where or who they are?

You want praise from people who kick themselves every fifteen minutes, the approval of people who despise themselves. (Is it a sign of self-respect to regret nearly everything you do?)

The existence of evil does not harm the world. And an individual act of evil does not harm the victim. Only one person is harmed by it—and he can stop being harmed as soon as he decides to.

Other people’s wills are as independent of mine as their breath and bodies. We may exist for the sake of one another, but our will rules its own domain. Otherwise the harm they do would cause harm to me. Which is not what God intended—for my happiness to rest with someone else.

We speak of the sun’s light as “pouring down on us,” as “pouring over us” in all directions. Yet it’s never poured out. Because it doesn’t really pour; it extends. Its beams (aktai ) get their name from their extension (ekteinesthai ).

To see the nature of a sunbeam, look at light as it falls through a narrow opening into a dark room. It extends in a straight line, striking any solid object that stands in its way and blocks the space beyond it. There it remains—not vanishing, or falling away.

That’s what the outpouring—the diffusion—of thought should be like: not emptied out, but extended. And not striking at obstacles with fury and violence, or falling away before them, but holding its ground and illuminating what receives it.

What doesn’t transmit light creates its own darkness.

To enter others’ minds and let them enter yours.

Injustice is a kind of blasphemy. Nature designed rational beings for each other’s sake: to help—not harm—one another, as they deserve. To transgress its will, then, is to blaspheme against the oldest of the gods.

And to lie is to blaspheme against it too. Because “nature” means the nature of that which is. And that which is and that which is the case are closely linked, so that nature is synonymous with Truth—the source of all true things. To lie deliberately is to blaspheme—the liar commits deceit, and thus injustice. And likewise to lie without realizing it. Because the involuntary liar disrupts the harmony of nature—its order. He is in conflict with the way the world is structured. As anyone is who deviates toward what is opposed to the truth—even against his will. Nature gave him the resources to distinguish between true and false. And he neglected them, and now can’t tell the difference.

And to pursue pleasure as good, and flee from pain as evil—that too is blasphemous. Someone who does that is bound to find himself constantly reproaching nature—complaining that it doesn’t treat the good and bad as they deserve, but often lets the bad enjoy pleasure and the things that produce it, and makes the good suffer pain, and the things that produce pain. And moreover, to fear pain is to fear something that’s bound to happen, the world being what it is—and that again is blasphemy. While if you pursue pleasure, you can hardly avoid wrongdoing—which is manifestly blasphemous.

Some things nature is indifferent to; if it privileged one over the other it would hardly have created both. And if we want to follow nature, to be of one mind with it, we need to share its indifference. To privilege pleasure over pain—life over death, fame over anonymity—is clearly blasphemous. Nature certainly doesn’t.

And when I say that nature is indifferent to them, I mean that they happen indifferently, at different times, to the things that exist and the things that come into being after them, through some ancient decree of Providence—the decree by which from some initial starting point it embarked on the creation that we know, by laying down the principles of what was to come and determining the generative forces: existence and change, and their successive stages.

Don’t look down on death, but welcome it. It too is one of the things required by nature. Like youth and old age. Like growth and maturity. Like a new set of teeth, a beard, the first gray hair. Like sex and pregnancy and childbirth. Like all the other physical changes at each stage of life, our dissolution is no different.

So this is how a thoughtful person should await death: not with indifference, not with impatience, not with disdain, but simply viewing it as one of the things that happen to us. Now you anticipate the child’s emergence from its mother’s womb; that’s how you should await the hour when your soul will emerge from its compartment.

Or perhaps you need some tidy aphorism to tuck away in the back of your mind. Well, consider two things that should reconcile you to death: the nature of the things you’ll leave behind you, and the kind of people you’ll no longer be mixed up with. There’s no need to feel resentment toward them—in fact, you should look out for their well-being, and be gentle with them—but keep in mind that everything you believe is meaningless to those you leave behind. Because that’s all that could restrain us (if anything could)—the only thing that could make

us want to stay here: the chance to live with those who share our vision. But now? Look how tiring it is—this cacophony we live in. Enough to make you say to death, “Come quickly. Before I start to forget myself, like them.”

To do harm is to do yourself harm. To do an injustice is to do yourself an injustice—it degrades you.

And you can also commit injustice by doing nothing.

Objective judgment, now, at this very moment.

Unselfish action, now, at this very moment.

Willing acceptance—now, at this very moment—of all external events.

That’s all you need.

All things are drawn toward what is like them, if such a thing exists. All earthly things feel the earth’s tug. All wet things flow together. And airy things as well, so they have to be forcibly prevented from mixing. Fire is naturally drawn upward by that higher fire, but ready to ignite at the slightest touch of other, earthly flame. So that anything drier than usual makes good fuel, because less of what hinders combustion is mixed in with it.

And things that share an intelligent nature are just as prone to seek out what is like them. If not more so. Because their superiority in other ways is matched by their greater readiness to mix and mingle with their counterparts.

Even in irrational beings we see swarms and herds, and nesting, and love not unlike ours. Because they do have souls, and the bonding instinct is found in a developed form—not something we see in plants, or stones, or trees. And it’s still more developed in rational beings, with their states, friendships, families, groups, their treaties and truces. And in those yet

more developed there is a kind of unity even between separate things, the kind that we see in the stars. An advanced level of development can produce a sympathy even in things that are quite distinct.

Things wait outside us, hover at the door. They keep to themselves. Ask them who they are and they don’t know, they can give no account of themselves.

What accounts for them?

The mind does.

Leave other people’s mistakes where they lie.

When we cease from activity, or follow a thought to its conclusion, it’s a kind of death. And it doesn’t harm us. Think about your life: childhood, boyhood, youth, old age. Every transformation a kind of dying. Was that so terrible?

Think about life with your grandfather, your mother, your adopted father. Realize how many other deaths and transformations and endings there have been and ask yourself: Was that so terrible?

Then neither will the close of your life be—its ending and transformation.

You participate in a society by your existence. Then participate in its life through your actions—all your actions. Any action not directed toward a social end (directly or indirectly) is a disturbance to your life, an obstacle to wholeness, a source of dissension. Like the man in the Assembly—a faction to himself, always out of step with the majority.

Endless suffering—all from not allowing the mind to do its job. Enough.

Do what nature demands. Get a move on—if you have it in you—and don’t worry whether anyone will give you credit for it. And don’t go expecting Plato’s Republic; be satisfied with even the smallest progress, and treat the outcome of it all as unimportant.

That to be remembered is worthless. Like fame. Like everything.

All that you see will soon have vanished, and those who see it vanish will vanish themselves, and the ones who reached old age have no advantage over the untimely dead.

Either the gods have power or they don’t. If they don’t, why pray? If they do, then why not pray for something else instead of for things to happen or not to happen? Pray not to feel fear. Or desire, or grief. If the gods can do anything, they can surely do that for us.

Not “some way to sleep with her”—but a way to stop wanting to.

Not “some way to get rid of him”—but a way to stop trying.

Not “some way to save my child”—but a way to lose your fear.

Redirect your prayers like that, and watch what happens.

When you run up against someone else’s shamelessness, ask yourself this: Is a world without shamelessness possible?

No.

Then don’t ask the impossible. There have to be shameless people in the world. This is one of them.

The same for someone vicious or untrustworthy, or with any other defect. Remembering that the whole class has to exist will make you more tolerant of its members.

Another useful point to bear in mind: What qualities has nature given us to counter that defect? As an antidote to unkindness it gave us kindness. And other qualities to balance other flaws.

And when others stray off course, you can always try to set them straight, because every wrongdoer is doing something wrong—doing something the wrong way .

And how does it injure you anyway? You’ll find that none of the people you’re upset about has done anything that could do damage to your mind. But that’s all that “harm” or “injury” could mean. Yes, boorish people do boorish things. What’s strange or unheard-of about that? Isn’t it yourself you should reproach—for not anticipating that they’d act this way? The logos gave you the means to see it—that a given person would act a given way—but you paid no attention. And now you’re astonished that he’s gone and done it. So when you call someone “untrustworthy” or “ungrateful,” turn the reproach on yourself. It was you who did wrong. By assuming that someone with those traits deserved your trust. Or by doing them a favor and expecting something in return, instead of looking to the action itself for your reward. What else did you expect from helping someone out? Isn’t it enough that you’ve done what your

nature demands? You want a salary for it too? As if your eyes expected a reward for seeing, or your feet for walking. That’s what they were made for. By doing what they were designed to do, they’re performing their function. Whereas humans were made to help others. And when we do help others—or help them to do something—we’re doing what we were designed for. We perform our function.

To my soul:

Are you ever going to achieve goodness? Ever going to be simple, whole, and naked—as plain to see as the body that contains you? Know what an affectionate and loving disposition would feel like? Ever be fulfilled, ever stop desiring—lusting and longing for people and things to enjoy? Or for more time to enjoy them? Or for some other place or country—“a more temperate clime”? Or for people easier to get along with? And instead be satisfied with what you have, and accept the present—all of it. And convince yourself that everything is the gift of the gods, that things are good and always will be, whatever they decide and have in store for the preservation of that perfect entity—good and just and beautiful, creating all things, connecting and embracing them, and gathering in their separated fragments to create more like them.

Everything that happens is either endurable or not.

If it’s endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining.

If it’s unendurable … then stop complaining. Your destruction will mean its end as well.

Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your interest to do so.

In your interest, or in your nature.

Keep in mind that “sanity” means understanding things—each individual thing—for what they are. And not losing the thread.

And “cooperation” means accepting what nature assigns you—accepting it willingly.

And “disinterest” means that the intelligence should rise above the movements of the flesh—the rough and the smooth alike. Should rise above fame, above death, and everything like them.

If you maintain your claim to these epithets—without caring if others apply them to you or not—you’ll become a new person, living a new life. To keep on being the person that you’ve been—to keep being mauled and degraded by the life you’re living—is to be devoid of sense and much too fond of life. Like those animal fighters at the games—torn half to pieces, covered in blood and gore, and still pleading to be held over till tomorrow … to be bitten and clawed again.

He has stripped away his body and—realizing that at some point soon he will have to abandon mankind and leave all this behind—has dedicated himself to serving justice in all he does, and nature in all that happens. What people say or think about him, or how they treat him, isn’t something he worries about. Only these two questions: Is what he’s doing now the right thing to be doing? Does he accept and welcome what he’s been assigned? He has stripped away all other occupations, all other tasks. He wants only to travel a straight path—to God, by way of law.

How they act when they eat and sleep and mate and defecate and all the rest. Then when they order and exult, or rage and thunder from on high. And yet, just consider the things they submitted to a moment ago, and the reasons for it—and the things they’ll submit to again before very long.

When you look at yourself, see any of the emperors.

And the same with everyone else. Then let it hit you: Where are they now?

Nowhere … or wherever.

That way you’ll see human life for what it is. Smoke. Nothing. Especially when you recall that once things alter they cease to exist through all the endless years to come.

Then why such turmoil? To live your brief life rightly, isn’t that enough?

The raw material you’re missing, the opportunities …! What is any of this but training—training for your logos , in life observed accurately, scientifically.

So keep at it, until it’s fully digested. As a strong stomach digests whatever it eats. As a blazing fire takes whatever you throw on it, and makes it light and flame.

None of us have much time. And yet you act as if things were eternal—the way you fear and long for them.…

Before long, darkness. And whoever buries you mourned in their turn.

So too a healthy mind should be prepared for anything. The one that keeps saying, “Are my children all right?” or “Everyone must approve of me” is like eyes that can only stand pale colors, or teeth that can handle only mush.

It doesn’t matter how good a life you’ve led. There’ll still be people standing around the bed who will welcome the sad event.

Even with the intelligent and good. Won’t there be someone thinking “Finally! To be through with that old schoolteacher. Even though he never said anything, you could always feel him judging you.” And that’s for a good man. How many traits do you have that would make a lot of people glad to be rid of you?

Remember that, when the time comes. You’ll be less reluctant to leave if you can tell yourself, “This is the sort of life I’m leaving. Even the people around me, the ones I spent so much time fighting for, praying over, caring about—even they want me gone, in hopes that it will make their own lives easier. How could anyone stand a longer stay here?”

And yet, don’t leave angry with them. Be true to who you are: caring, sympathetic, kind. And not as if you were being torn away from life. But the way it is when someone dies peacefully, how the soul is released from the body—that’s how you should leave them. It was nature that bound you to them—that tied the knot. And nature that now unties you.

I am released from those around me. Not dragged against my will, but unresisting.

There are things that nature demands. And this is one of them.

Learn to ask of all actions, “Why are they doing that?”

Starting with your own.

That you’ve made enough mistakes yourself. You’re just like them.

Even if there are some you’ve avoided, you have the potential.

Even if cowardice has kept you from them. Or fear of what people would say. Or some equally bad reason.

That you don’t know for sure it is a mistake. A lot of things are means to some other end. You have to know an awful lot before you can judge other people’s actions with real understanding.

When you lose your temper, or even feel irritated: that human life is very short. Before long all of us will be laid out side by side.

How much more damage anger and grief do than the things that cause them.

And along with not getting angry at others, try not to pander either. Both are forms of selfishness; both of them will do you harm. When you start to lose your temper, remember: There’s nothing manly about rage. It’s courtesy and kindness that define a human being—and a man. That’s who possesses strength and nerves and guts, not the angry whiners. To react like that brings you closer to impassivity—and so to strength. Pain is the opposite of strength, and so is anger. Both are things we suffer from, and yield to.…

Four habits of thought to watch for, and erase from your mind when you catch them. Tell yourself:

• This thought is unnecessary.
• This one is destructive to the people around you.
• This wouldn’t be what you really think (to say what you don’t think—the definition of absurdity).

And the fourth reason for self-reproach: that the more divine part of you has been beaten and subdued by the degraded mortal part—the body and its stupid self-indulgence.

As you kiss your son good night, says Epictetus, whisper to yourself, “He may be dead in the morning.”

Don’t tempt fate, you say.

By talking about a natural event? Is fate tempted when we speak of grain being reaped?

Everything you’re trying to reach—by taking the long way round—you could have right now, this moment. If you’d only stop thwarting your own attempts. If you’d only let go of the past, entrust the future to Providence, and guide the present toward reverence and justice.

Reverence: so you’ll accept what you’re allotted. Nature intended it for you, and you for it.

Justice: so that you’ll speak the truth, frankly and without evasions, and act as you should—and as other people deserve.

If you can cut yourself—your mind—free of what other people do and say, of what you’ve said or done, of the things that you’re afraid will happen, the impositions of the body that contains you and the breath within, and what the whirling chaos sweeps in from outside, so that the mind is freed from fate, brought to clarity, and lives life on its own recognizance—doing what’s right, accepting what happens, and speaking the truth—

It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own. If a god appeared to us—or a wise human being, even—and prohibited us from concealing our thoughts or imagining anything without immediately shouting it out, we wouldn’t make it through a single day. That’s how much we value other people’s opinions—instead of our own.

“But I’ve only gotten through three acts …!”

Yes. This will be a drama in three acts, the length fixed by the power that directed your creation, and now directs your dissolution. Neither was yours to determine.

So make your exit with grace—the same grace shown to you.

Million Dollar Weekend(8/10)

I took a lot of highlights with this one. Motivational, inspiring, and practical. I will be coming back to these notes over and over as I embark on my business ventures. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. In fact, develop your asking powers like a muscle. Also, don’t try to figure out how to do something before you start. Just start and figure out how along the way.

Summary and Highlights

Ordinary people start profitable businesses every single day.

You do have problems, and so do your friends and every other person in this world. That’s all you need to generate million-dollar business ideas.

Choose the three you think will be the most fun to work with.

In the early mornings, evenings, and weekends. Once you’ve validated an idea, and you’re pulling in enough to cover your minimum monthly expenses—aka the Freedom Number—then you can quit.

I’ve started a few different businesses. They do okay and then I lose interest

But how will it scale? Focus on starting. Then figure out how to scale.

You will never feel 100 percent ready to start. You just need to start. Don’t buy another book or watch another video until you’ve worked through THIS process and started your million-dollar business.

Marketing is easy when you have a product people want.

Find a problem people are having that you can solve.

Craft an irresistible solution whose million-dollar-plus potential is backed by simple market research.

Spend NO MONEY to quickly validate whether your idea is the real deal (or not) by preselling it before you build it.

Derailed by the same two fears:

FEAR OF STARTING At some point people are told entrepreneurship is a huge risk, and you believed it. You figured more preparation, more planning, and more talking to friends Would help you overcome your insecurities. But that inaction only breeds more doubt and fear.

The best way to learn what we need to know—and become who we want to be—is by just getting started. Small EXPERIMENTS, repeated over time, are the recipe for transformation in business, and life.

FEAR OF ASKING Soon after starting, the fear of rejection emerges.

You have some impressive skills, an amazing product, every advantage in the world, and you’ll never sell a thing if you can’t face another person and ask for what you want. Whether you want them to buy what you’re selling or help in another way, you have to be able to ask in order to get. Once you reframe rejection as something desirable, the act of asking becomes a power all its own.

Everything you do in this book, and after, should be viewed as an experiment

Experiments are supposed to fail.

And should they fail, you just take what you’ve learned and try again a little bit differently.

Most people never pick up the phone, most people never ask. And that’s what separates, sometimes, the people that do things from the people that just dream about them. You gotta act. And you gotta be willing to fail.

Business is just a never-ending cycle of starting and trying new things, asking whether people will pay for those things, and then trying it again based on what you’ve learned. If you’re afraid to start or ask, you can’t experiment.

And if you can’t experiment, you can’t do business.

Business is an amazing opportunity to learn about yourself, play with ideas, solve your own problems, help other people, and get paid all the while.

Approaching it this way will free up your imagination, make you less judgy and critical of yourself, and allow you to open yourself up to playful experimentation.

Limiting time to a weekend forces you to become inventive, focuses your attention only on the things that matter, and shows you how much more you can do with limitations.

The most powerful growth tool today for solopreneurs is a system of content creation, audience building, and email marketing.

You’ll need a different approach and different system to organize your days—one that optimizes for your overall happiness above all else. (Or why do any of it, right?)

There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth . . . not going all the way, and not starting. —Buddha

Focus above all else on being a starter, an experimenter, a learner.

Defining yourself by the things you do each day (the process) will get you to where you want to be quicker and more joyfully than measuring yourself against others.

The Magic of NOW, Not How.

Fully embrace what I call the NOW, Not How Habit.

1. Most people: Overthink first, act later.
2. Every successful entrepreneur: Act first, figure it out later.

Any analysis ahead of action is purely speculation.

A simple mission to hit a monthly revenue number is the most effective form of early motivation.

You first need to choose your Freedom Number.

What can YOU do in your business to make money this week? Today? Right now?

If you commit to nothing, you’ll be distracted by everything.

The Freedom Number helps us not get lost in abstraction or complexity; it reminds us the mechanics of business are simple.

Choosing your Freedom Number.

Start by choosing a short-term monthly revenue goal—your Freedom Number—and make it a number that doesn’t scare you.

Who you are, what you have, and what you know right now are more than enough to get going.

Love rejections! Collect them like treasure! Set rejection goals. I shoot for a hundred rejections each week, because if you work that hard to get so many noes, in them you will find a few yeses, too.

The upside of asking is unlimited and the downside is minimal.

Be persistent. almost every no you get can eventually become a yes. Persistence will reveal that most noes are actually a “not now.”

Follow Up! Studies show that if you initially get a no, your follow-up ask is TWICE as likely to get a yes.

Selling is helping.

If you believe your product or service improves the lives of your customers, sales is just education.

If you believe your product or service can fulfill a true need, it’s your moral obligation to sell it.—Zig Ziglar

Three Ws of business:

• Who you are selling to
• What problem you’re solving
• Where they are

Sell ideas to a small early adopter group before you’ve built the product (or spent a cent) in order to validate that there is a market that will pay.

When in doubt, solve your own problems. If you are willing to pay for a solution, it’s likely others are, too. And at least you’ll have one happy customer—yourself.

Minimum viable product or MVP. Create the simplest possible version of what you’re offering and start selling it right away.

That way, instead of endlessly refining something in a vacuum, you use feedback from actual customers to incrementally develop an offering people absolutely want to buy.

Create opportunities within the context of who they are, what they know, and especially who they know.

Validation process begins with potential customers in the entrepreneur’s orbit. Actual people with names. Tribes you belong to or are interested in, most of whom are already self-organized online.

Who do you have easy access to that you’d be EXCITED to help?

The better you understand your target group, the better you can speak to them. The more specifically you can speak to their problems, the better and easier you can sell or test products.

This process prioritizes communication with people, through starting (taking the first iteration of your solution straight to customers) and asking (engaging them in a conversation to determine how your solution can best fix their problem). Business creation should always be a conversation.

Become a Problem Seeker

The best entrepreneurs are the most dissatisfied. They’re always thinking of how things can be better.

Your frustrations—and the frustrations of others—are your business opportunities

The crucial first step toward entrepreneurship is to study your own unhappiness and to think of solutions (aka business opportunities) for you to sell.

What’s the most painful (aka valuable) problem you can solve for people . . . That you also have passion for and/or unique expertise in . . . For the largest niche possible that you belong to and understand.

Focus on your Zone of Influence here (your existing community):

Solve Your Own Problems

What is one thing this morning that irritated me?

What is one thing on my to-do list that’s been there over a week?

What is one thing that I regularly fail to do well?

What is one thing I wanted to buy recently only to find out that no one made it?

Keep a notebook close by and jot down things that bother you.

It’s easier to sell to a large group of people who’ve already spent money on a product or service.

Bestsellers are your best friends. Accessorize an existing product.

Write down all the bad, crazy, and nonsense ideas that come into your mind.

Studying the marketplaces where people are TRYING to spend money

Search Engine Queries

It’s much easier to sell something when people ALREADY want it. There are 3 billion Google searches every day, giving you a direct line to customers’ thoughts and needs

AnswerThePublic.com will find the most googled questions around whatever keyword you input.

Is the potential solution a vitamin (a nice-to-have) or a painkiller (a must-have)?

r/SomebodyMakeThis

Two key questions to answer to make sure it’s a million-dollar opportunity:

Is the overall market dying, flat, or growing? You want flat or ideally growing! Is this a million-dollar opportunity? To figure that out, we have to know the number of potential customers and the price of your product.

I use Google Trends and Facebook Ads to answer those questions.

Evaluate the size and growth potential of my target market.

Is the market growing or dying? Search Google Trends.

How many potential customers are there? Use Facebook Ads to research your market size. They let you type in the keyword of whatever business category you’re thinking about and see the approximate audience size.

You can also use the Facebook Ads Library to see every single active ad running on Facebook for your keyword and location, which is super helpful for uncovering competitors and getting ideas for your own marketing efforts other groups you could think of targeting.

Other categories to search:

• Locals
• More niche
• Demographics-based

Step 2. Is This a Million-Dollar Opportunity?

Pick a price point you think will be ideal for your customer.

1. Multiply that by the number of ideal customers.
2. Does that equal at least a million dollars? Yes or no?

evaluate that

1. Google Trends: Flat with some growth

2. Size of market: 2,500,000 people

3. Cost of your product: $50

4. Total Value: $125,000,000

5. Million-dollar idea? YES!

Don’t be a wantrepreneur and waste time calculating revenue to the exact cent or fretting about the optimal price point

All you want is to know if the business idea is worth pursuing

Now that we know it’s worth it, let’s confirm how exactly you’re going to get your million dollars.

Step 3. The One-Minute Business Model

Realistically you’re not going to get 5 or 10 percent of this market, BUT now let’s see what it would take to generate your own $1 million in profit.

Revenue – Cost = Profit. These determine if

you can make your first million dollars

Revenue (all the money you make) – Cost (how much it costs to make it) = Profit (what you get to take home) This is obviously extremely basic, but that’s the point. It’s all you need to calculate in order

to assess whether you can get to $1 million

What we are looking for are rough estimates. Momentum is your friend, and we can sweat the details later

divide your target profit by the profit

1. This is ONLY the number of people we see via Facebook.
2. This is for only one beard product. If you find success with beard oil, you can easily repeat the process many times with other

grooming products

This is only the first sale to these customers

It’s far easier to sell to an existing customer than it is to acquire new ones, so once we’ve built up a decent customer base, we can make

1. even more products to sell to them.
2. Plus, you can likely sell a subscription to increase the amount you sell per customer.

PRO TIP: When you’re launching a business, always ask yourself: is this going to be a one-off purchase, something

customers buy here and there when they want to consume it, or can you make it a monthly recurring sale?

It’s always better to be in the reorder business

Step 4. Pivot and Evolve—Your Revenue Dials

Almost every successful business had to pivot or change course along the way

Maybe you chose the wrong market to begin with. Or maybe one feature of your offer turns out to be the thing people want. Just keep your eyes open for adjacent opportunities.

The easiest way for me to reach my goal was to increase the average order value by selling longer-term subscriptions to businesses

six Revenue Dials you can use:

1. Average order value: Increase the amount someone purchases.

2. Frequency: Increase how often someone will buy your service.

3. Price point: Increase or decrease your price point to affect total sales.

4. Customer type: Approach a more lucrative/wealthier customer segment.

5. Product line: Add additional products to make the business more attractive to start.

6. Add-on services: If you’re selling a product like cookies, can you offer a service like setting up birthday parties

or cooking at the person’s home?

The hard part is not choosing which business idea. The hard part is getting customers. And that’s where you’ll focus first.

1. Pick one business idea.
2. Make sure it’s a million-dollar opportunity.

Confirm your business idea is profitable

start with the problem that is most exciting for you to solve yourself

When you have money from customers, fulfillment is easy. Be worried when it’s the other way around

you’ll never know if they can go from idea to business until you actually test your target market’s willingness to pay.

Validation is finding three customers in forty-eight hours who will give you money for your idea.

benefits of Validation

1. You don’t waste time.

2. You save money.

3. You find out if you can actually get customers for your idea.

4. You get money up front.

5. You light a fire under your butt to get moving.

the Golden Rule of Validation:

Find three customers in forty-eight hours who will give you money for your idea.

why it works so well:

• You’re allowed only forty-eight hours. Limitations breed creativity. Having a tight time limit will

cut off the doubting wantrepreneur inside you and force you to iterate

1. fast and be creative until you find something that works.
2. Get your first three customers. Your first customer is a friend, the second customer is someone in your family, but your

third customer is HARD

Collect money up front. The promise of payment is not validation. That’s polite rejection. Getting customers to hand over their dollars makes it real

if you can get someone to give you money quickly just by describing a product or solution, you’re good! You’re not trying to invent demand; you’re trying to see how

EXCITED people are about what you’re helping them with.

Three Methods to Validate ANY Business Idea

1. Direct Preselling

make real contact with real people, tell them what I’m selling, ask for money, and see how they react

Actively preselling your first few customers is the best way for entrepreneurs to launch a business.

create a spreadsheet with ten

rows

These are going to be your Dream Ten prospects: ideal people you want to validate your business idea with.[*]

Here are the columns to use:

Name

Company

Phone

Email

When contacted

When to follow up

Notes

Make it easy: start with your best friends who might be interested—your Zone of Influence. Too often, people make it hard by going outside their spheres. They do this to avoid rejection, when in reality your network

wants to help you succeed

Check out your Facebook friend list, your Facebook groups, your favorites on contacts, LinkedIn Connections, former colleagues, past clients, text message lists, people from your church or synagogue, your Twitter followers

and others who fit your ideal customer

By the time you’ve done this you should

have filled out at least ten lines, your Dream Ten.

BUT if you’re thinking, Dang, I don’t know ten people who can buy this, then maaaaaaaaybe you should a consider a different business idea

Hoping and praying that a thousand people in

the world will magically buy it is living in la-la land, as my father would put it. Go after markets and businesses where you have influence so it’s easier to succeed

Scripts for Preselling Your Idea

Validation is a conversation. Not a sales pitch, but a chat to learn about the

customer, see if you can help them and if they’ll actually pay you

For this reason, with your Dream Ten, I really recommend you turn the ask into an exploratory conversation, to allow for more learning.

These people really know you and they’ll be happy to give you time, so use it to extract what most excites them about your product or not so you can tweak it.

process to validate your solution with your Dream Ten can be broken down to a three

part framework:

1. Listen
2. Options
3. Transition

First, Listen

get customers talking about their problem.

Here are three questions that will help you in this process:

• What’s the most frustrating thing about what’s currently going on?

1. How would having X make your life better?
2. What do you think that X should cost?

Finish with summarizing what the person

said. For example, Daniel would say, “So you want an easier way to learn how to use your computer.”

PRO TIP: Use what or how questions to encourage a more open dialogue versus

why or yes/no questions, which can limit your learning

It’s crucial to really listen and write down their problems, because you’re looking for the pain they’re feeling and how valuable it would be for them to give you money

The bigger the pain, the bigger the opportunity!

Next, Options. Now that you’ve uncovered the problem, it’s time to suggest options that can solve their problems—and what they’d pay for it

You’re looking for excitement and a willingness to pay. Eye rolls and lower energy

from your prospective customer are indicators of low interest

Now, Transition. You know their problem and you know an option to fix it that they are excited about. Now it’s time to transition to the sell.

If they pay you, that’s Validation success

Often you can distill your offer down to three parts: Price + Benefit

• Time. Strung together, they form an offer sentence.

Other examples:

• For $25, I will teach you how to save an hour a day on your Mac, in

just twenty minutes

For $69, I will teach you how to write better in two hours

For $10, I will send you a PDF with ten mind hacks that will change the

1. way you think in ten minutes.
2. For $180, I will provide six months of tasty jerky to your office this week

PRO TIP: Presenting your offer as a

comparison can make it easier for your customer to understand. “We are like X but Y.”

For example, we are like your competitor but twice as cheap

When you validate, you have to get comfortable with potentially selling a product before you’ve actually made it. Clearly explain when it will be delivered. Because people are fine with giving you money in advance, as long as you set clear expectations

money:

“Sign up now while it’s still at a discounted price, x percent of y dollars [and you’ll be grandfathered in at that price forever]. This offer is only good today.”

PRO TIP: Always follow up by sending an email to your first customers asking for feedback. Feedback is a gift you can continually use to improve yourself and your business

Of course, success won’t always be so immediate when you use direct preselling to validate—in fact, you’ll get rejected a whole lot—and this is another instance where the technique shines.

That’s because every rejection is an

opportunity; you can use it to take a deep dive into customer problems

When I get shot down while validating, I have a simple four-question script that flips the no into new knowledge, new ideas, and maybe even new customers

Why not?” It’s really easy to get scared from attacking this one head-on, because what happens if their criticism is right? But that’s exactly

1. what you want to know!

2. “Who is one person you know who would really like this?” Always, always, always ask for a referral! Be specific about what kind of referral and use a number; this

3. makes it highly effective.

4. “What would make this a no-brainer for you?” If they don’t want your product, maybe they’d want something related to it. If they don’t want to pay for your dog care app

what about dog walking? A dog hotel? Dog dating?

What would you pay for that?” One of the hardest things in a startup is setting prices. Getting potential customers to say what

they’d pay is pure gold!

PRO TIP: Active communications—calls and texts—work a lot better than

passive ones, like posting on Facebook or Twitter and waiting for replies. Try to Direct Message (DM) people, or whatever enables you to get the fastest response time possible.

2. Marketplaces

A classic way to validate your product is to use marketplaces—sites like Facebook Marketplace, Craigslist, Reddit, or whatever you have locally. The

3. Landing Pages

One really popular approach is to set up a

simple landing page using a cheap or free service. Currently Instapage, Unbounce, and ClickFunnels are popular landing page tools. Find the latest landing page tools at MillionDollarWeekend.com

Then they run a bunch of ads to send

people to the site and see if people actually will enter an email address to get on the mailing list, or even preorder the product

The reason I don’t love this approach is you have to spend time setting it up and buying ads, and when you buy ads, you have to become an

ad expert. The whole experience is slow and costly. Two things I hate.

The key is: If you go this route, don’t overthink the design, the name, the

language, the ads, or any of that. Just focus on seeing if you can get people to buy your product!

Your challenge is to get at least three paying customers within forty-eight hours. Grab your Dream Ten list that you made earlier.

Text, call, direct message, or email—the

more real time, the better!

Free Bonus: Grab my six ways to enhance your offering at MillionDollarWeekend.com

Grow It

Make Money While You Sleep

Social Media Is for Growth

Email Is for Profit

1,000 true fans”—all built by connecting with people whose particular challenges and interests overlapped with my particular skills and passions.

A community who already knows you

who follows you, who is rooting for you is one of the most powerful forces in business, and it’s created through generosity.

Adding value without expectation. Helping them with their journey without asking for an immediate return

Sometimes it’s helping

them by boosting their self-esteem with a simple compliment

how do you find your unique angle to start building up your community?

understand how their special sauce is the unfair advantage that will make them shine

He thought his problem was that he didn’t know the process. But the mechanics come down to figuring out how to embrace and

amplify your uniqueness in a way that attracts people to become friends and customers

What’s your unique angle in thirty seconds or less?” In other words, why would anyone care to read his newsletter?

He defines who he is

Why you should trust him

1. What he is passionate about, and
2. What unique thing this prepares him to do for you.

Write out your unique angle.There are no right answers here. You can change these any time you’d like.

1. Who are you

2. Why should people listen?

3. What are you passionate about?

4. What will you do for people

Pick a Platform

With your unique angle, you need to reach an audience, and the best way to do it for FREE is through social media.

You can choose any FREE platform:

1. Photographers love Instagram to showcase their newest cool stuff to the world.
2. Consultants love to stand on a soapbox at LinkedIn.

Journalists, marketers, and others like the few hundred characters of Twitter.

Designers can show off their work at Dribble

Authors can start a blog for free on WordPress.com

You need to know three things to choose:

1. Which site has the audience you want to connect with?
2. What medium do YOU enjoy creating content in?

What disproportionate results will you get compared to the work you

put in?

let’s break down how I chose my platform. To start, I eliminated the ones that don’t work for me.

Instagram: I don’t take a lot of pics

Podcasting

growing that audience relative to the work involved was near impossible

A limited number of people listen to podcasts, and currently, discovering new podcasts is nearly impossible

LinkedIn: Great audience of businesspeople, but it’s incredibly noisy, and going viral on it is really tough.

Blogging:

The work of posting

doesn’t drive as many viral shares anymore because more of the audience is spending their time directly on social media

Twitter

the audience isn’t growing—their monthly users have been flat for years

Going viral works there, but getting people

off the platform and buying on yours is tough

TikTok

1 million followers there or 100,000 on YouTube? Not equivalent. I’d take YouTube every time.

start with just one as an experiment.

The key principle is to start right now to build your audience and then move them to your email list

Update your bio.Choose your one platform, and using the unique angle pitch you wrote out before, clean up and rewrite your profile/bio on that platform to reflect who you are and how you help your ideal

customer

Core Circle: Start with a very narrow audience. Ali started with the medical school exams for British

people. Your niche within a niche can be the most obscure thing imaginable, as long as it makes you and your audience passionate

Medium Circle: As you move bigger, your content should overlap

somewhat with what concerns your Core Circle, but it should appeal to a broader audience. Ali started talking about studying and productivity in general, since that’s required for all students.

Large Circle: Here you go for the largest audience possible that’s still related. Some of Ali’s most watched videos are about his salary—made possible by his medical video fame—or the latest Apple product—which he

uses to increase productivity. All the circles should still include your core audience but keep expanding your circle of influence

To get started, identify a value that a specific group of people—your Core Circle—want and become a reliable source of information for

them. Here’s a formula you can use—outcome you’ll deliver + target market.

example

Core Circle: How to clean your evaporative cooler + in the Southwest

USA

1. Medium Circle: How to choose laundry detergents + for new homeowners.
2. Large Circle: The ten best

vacuums + for a family

Once you have your outcome and market figured, you need to find a unique viewpoint in your niche.

To come up with your unique viewpoint, ask yourself a few questions

What is something everyone thinks is true—but you think is wrong

What is something nobody in your target market is talking about—but should be?

What are the biggest mistakes people in your market are making—but are totally blind to?

Think back to your validation days: Who are the customers you want to appeal to and what’s the outcome you can create content for? What’s the unique point of view in your content they’d be excited to hear about?

Formula = Outcome you’ll deliver + the target marketCore Circle:  

Medium Circle:  

Large Circle

Be the Guide, Not the Guru

titled “How I . . .” rather than “How to . . .”

The goal here is to document what YOU do, not what you think everyone else should do

When you position yourself as

someone who is on a journey and document your process and your progress, you become relatable, and that is what audiences long for

Some of my most popular videos feature me failing, often. It’s fascinating that people want to see what’s really going on, not the highlight reel

we think they want

Jerky. I ask my audience to challenge me to do something difficult; then I go out and do it

Getting your audience involved helps them feel like an integral part of the show, which

boosts the chances they’ll engage with your videos, which pushes your content up the rankings—and attracts even more subscribers

CHALLENGE

Post one piece of content.Now it’s time to post content publicly.Now, this piece of content can come in any format. You know I LOVE me some YouTube, but as you’ve seen, different niches work on different platforms. The

content you create can be a YouTube video, a Twitter thread, or a blog post

1. Your Unique Angle—the secret sauce nobody else has

2. The Platform you’re going to

3. post on

4. Your Content Circle—the narrow audience who you’ll laser-target

5. Posting it TODAY

This last step is obviously the hardest

one. Don’t worry about scripts, camera equipment, or even if it gets any views. The important part is taking the first step at building your community

The email was FUN. It wasn’t pure utility. Sales have

repeatedly been shown to go UP when the people selling are enjoying themselves

promoting interesting people, exposing my passions

interacting with my followers, and just all in all having fun being myself

Now you’re going to lead this audience into your own ATM—your

email list—so that you are in regular personal contact with them and can convert them from an audience to customers

How to use a piece of useful free content to get people excited to sign up for your list

How to create a simple, effective landing page and publicize it far and wide.

How to automate your email system so it’s sending out emails to new subscribers twenty-four hours a

day

Email is the most valuable channel because it allows you to own the distribution and the

communication with your customers, and not be at the mercy of another platform’s fickle algorithm

six reasons why email is the best:

$65 million a year in total transactions. And you know what? Nearly 50 percent of that comes from email.

I’m not hoping the platform gods will allow me to reach them

Eighty-nine percent of people check it EVERY DAY

You own your email list. Forever

Even if you don’t have a business at this very moment, it’s great to start building your email list NOW—so when you do want to have a

business, you already have a trusted group of people who WANT to help you out

the importance of having a list of people who want you to win. Sheer size is not the metric to use to

evaluate an email list. It doesn’t matter if you have 100,000 subs if none of them care about you.

What percentage of your list opens every email because they feel like they know and trust you? A healthy email list has a 20 percent open rate. Target that.

s, how can you get your first subscribers? Let me show you.

Set Up a Landing Page

Your audience needs somewhere to go to actually join your email list

The way companies, marketers, entrepreneurs, and content creators

do this is by sending their audiences to a landing page

Give me your email, and I’ll give you a bonus resource: one free tip each week to improve your sleep. Simple.

A landing page is a simple web page with an image, a few words, and a box where people can input their email address to get future updates

This is where you can offer them the

bonus content, aka Lead Magnet (see the next page), you just created.

CHALLENGEBuild your landing page.You can set up one like Julien’s for free

with SendFox.com (a service I helped build).There are also other services like Mailchimp.com, Webflow.com, and ConvertKit.com to create landing pages

Getting Your First 100 Email Subscribers

0 to 10—The Dream Ten

What’s the easiest way to start building your list? Use your existing network.

Yes, your Dream Ten. These are people

who know you and care about you. The members of this highly engaged audience are waiting to visit, subscribe to, and share your website and content

My mom, my brother, and my other close friends are on my mailing list. Always look at what assets and networks you have available before you reach out to randoms.

Here’s a template you can use

Hey [name]!I just wanted to let you know that I’m starting [description of your new business

I’m going to publish [one article per week/a weekly tip] on how to [subject].Is this something you are interested in?Here’s an easy way to sign up! [Insert landing page address] Or you can just write back with “Yes, dude, I’d like to,” and I’ll do it

for you!Hope things are great![Your name]

11 to 50—Lazy Marketing

Now that you have a landing page, you’ve got to publicize it. Obviously you’re already doing that by putting it in your calls to action inside your videos, TikToks, or wherever you are

promoting yourself online (and in their corresponding descriptions).

you can go a lot further by putting a link to it in every point of contact you have with others.

That means putting the landing page address in your

1. Email signature
2. Biography on Twitter, LinkedIn, TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook

list

(When you add your landing page to your email and your social bios, you can measure the traffic and conversion rate you get from these mentions with Bitly.com or Linktree.com, website

address shorteners that track clicks

CHALLENGEUpdate email signature and social media bios

Put your landing page address in your email signature and your social bios. Send me a link to your new landing page at twitter.com/noahkagan—I’d love to hear from you!

post a modified version of that email above in Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, Reddit groups—or wherever you’re active.

Hey EveryoneStarting a “weekly” newsletter about [subject].Go to website.com to join the newsletter.

Use targeted referrals to grow your list. Ask

your family and friends to refer one specific person who they think would like your newsletter

Write an insanely detailed blog post dissecting the success of

Use social media and pretty much everything else to get that post in front of his ideal customers

Put a call to action (CTA) at the end of the post telling readers to sign up to receive a download of growth hacks he’d put together

Using a Lead Magnet gives people an incentive to join your email list vs. just asking people to sign up

four examples of Lead Magnets

A checklist that can be used to properly perform something

A template for determining

An advanced guide that goes further into the details of a subject of one of my videos

A unique book that provides substantial value but is offered for free

One of the best ways is to give a short, relevant tease of the bonus or resource you’re offering within the YouTube video and tell people where they can learn more

CHALLENGECreate a Lead Magnet

create your first Lead Magnet using the process we’ve just outlined above. You can use your piece of content from the previous chapter as a base or start something new. Don’t spend more than two hours on the first iteration. If you want to turn it into a big thing later on, great. But start SMALL.Go to MillionDollarWeekend.com to get Lead Magnet templates! (See what I did

if people like your stuff, they want more.

At the exact moment your customer is interacting with or just found your business, they are MOST excited about it

So that’s when

you want to funnel them into other experiences with you instead of letting them go

set up an autoresponder and hit them up right away

send them your BEST stuff so you know they’ll have a great experience when they’re dining at the email restaurant of you

Every email provider has an autoresponder. Again I recommend SendFox.com, but you can use Mailchimp.com or ConvertKit.com as well

three-step progression of emails that I’ve found works best:

1. Welcome Email

SUBJECT: You’re awesomeThanks for joining OkDork. You are

awesome!Over 17 years of working online I’ve learned some things:

• #30 at Facebook and helped launch mobile, status updates, and more

#

1. 4 at Mint and led growth to 1 million users within 1 year
2. Started AppSumo, which is now an $85M/year business

And now, I want to help you on your journey to living the life you want

What could I write to provide value to you?Love you,Noah “tacos” Kagan

1. Connection Email

SUBJECT: Connect with me on LinkedIn

Howdy amigo,Send me a connection request on LinkedIn to help share our relationships, see behind-the-scenes thoughts on marketing, startups, and more . . .Hugs,

Noah

1. Content Email

SUBJECT: Starting an 8-figure business with $50I started AppSumo in March 2010.In one weekend, with $50, I launched

version 1 of the site. It was simple.12 years later, Sumo Group has grown into an 8-figure business.Starting a business can be hard. But I want to show you an easier way:Here’s how I built AppSumo.com for

$50.Enjoy,Noah

Second, with the Connection Email, you’re explicitly asking them to connect with you on social media, by following you on Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, and so on

CHALLENGESet up an autoresponder.I happen to think SendFox.com (I helped build it) is pretty darned good, but there are a bunch of others that I recommend, like ConvertKit.com and

Mailchimp.com

The Law of 100

Whatever you put yourself to, do it 100 times before you even THINK of stopping

This stops you from succumbing to what Seth

Godin calls “the dip,” the moment in a long slog between starting and when mastery sets in where you start hating the work and you want to quit.

Lean in and commit to 100 reps. (Think of this as doing reps and practicing as opposed to failing or succeeding.) This changes your mindset and makes it much easier to sustain forward motion when

things get tough

set up a system that helps you get your 100 reps done without thinking about the results.

Once that’s done, you can decide whether

you want to give it up or not

The Law of 100 is about the power of consistency—the only way to get to greatness.

CHALLENGEThe Law of 100.

Commit to doing 100 emails, posts, or whatever action will move you closer to your goals. To live up to your commitment, use the Law of 100 Grid below to track your progress—and don’t break the chain!

five exact questions to create your own marketing plan

1. What is your one goal for this year?

2. Who exactly is your customer and

3. where can you find them?

4. What is one marketing activity you can double down on?

How can you delight your first 100 customers?

If you HAD to double your business with no money in thirty days, what would you do?

Set a single hyper-focused exact goal

First off, you need to set a goal. That means choosing a number

email addresses

monthly Freedom Number

1. 1,000 YouTube subscribers
2. $1 million in net revenue
3. Fifty clients

how much and by when? Now add a time frame.

without a time frame, there’s no urgency

“I want to be worth $1 million in three years.”

Create your Marketing Experiment List

Before you paddle quickly in the wrong direction, we MUST quickly try different marketing experiments to figure out which

ones we can double down on

The best way to do this is by using an Experiment-Based Marketing list to plan and track your marketing strategies

WORK BACKWARDS FROM YOUR GOAL!

If you could use only two of the marketing activities, what would they be?”

1. Who is your ideal customer?
2. Where are they?

Who is your ideal customer?

Think about what’s in common with

your existing customers. Certain age? Common interest? Specific gender? Certain hobbies? From a specific area?

CHALLENGE

Who’s your customer?Describe to me who your ideal customer is.The MORE specific the better. Think about their gender, age, location, and anything else that makes them unique.

Next, where can you find more of these ideal customers?

Look where you found your previous ones and ask your existing customers!

exact message I still send to people to this day:

Hey Maria,Thank you so much for being a customer.Where’s the one specific place you’d

expect to learn about my product? Now make a list of these places where we can find more of these people.

list of generic marketing ideas to get you going:

• Contacting your network: The

1. number one place you should look for customers is in your own existing network. The benefit is that people already know you, so making the sale is easier.

2. Paid ads: Reach out to potential

3. customers on search engines like Bing and Google, so your name will appear when certain keywords are searched.

4. Social ads: Target your audience through ads on social channels like Twitter and Facebook, Reddit, TikTok

5. or LinkedIn.

6. Content marketing: Create and publish content (blogs, podcasts, videos) with the goal of generating interest in your product/service

7. Cold outreach: Speak directly to potential customers. This could mean picking up the phone and calling potential customers or sending cold emails to prospects.

8. Target market blogs: Sponsor

9. posts and content on popular blogs within your target market.

10. Influencer marketing: Identify and build relationships with individuals who have influence over your target market (for example, high

11. profile bloggers or Instagrammers).

12. PR: Pitch the press and bloggers in your niche to cover your story.

13. SEO: Search engine optimization is another reliable way to grow your

traffic, but it takes time. Do some keyword research on sites like AnswerThePublic or SpyFu to discover what people in your niche are talking about. Create hyper-targeted content to drive traffic.

1. Giveaways: Round up some epic prizes, create a sweepstakes page . . . and promote the shit out of it.
2. Collaborations: Appear on other podcasts/shows/newsletters/YouTube

channels

After you figured out your marketing ideas lists, we need to estimate expected sales from these ideas.

Setting your expected sales is one of the most important parts of your strategy. These

targets will give you something to measure against and help you identify where you can double down in the future.

So how do you go about setting targets for your sources?

The most important aspect of this process is

not to worry about being exact. It’s to make decent guesses so you can have a framework to prioritize and double down on your sources.

When setting your targets, the trick is to use your BEST GUESS; it doesn’t have to be a super-accurate number. It’s all to help you PRIORITIZE

your marketing activities. Over time, you’ll get better at this.

Here’s an example for thirty days of sales:

Marketing Experiments

Expected Sales

1. SEO: Write four blog posts

10

2. Contact everyone in my network

25

3. Call my aunt Rhonda

1

4. Post in Meetup group

5

5. Post flyer

9

Total

40

This spreadsheet helps you prioritize your time by focusing on the largest expected sales items first.

Another option is to add a column for Time: how long it will take you to do the different activities. You can use this to see which

activities will not take much time but still get sales.

Also, you can consider including cost if you’re doing ads, but I encourage people to not spend money on marketing at first. Exhaust your free options.

CHALLENGEWhere are your customers?Now list at least five places your customers are and how many sales in thirty days you think you can get from them

3. Double down on what works.

There’s a golden rule to marketing tactics I want you to repeat after me:

Find what works and double down on it; find what doesn’t work and kill it.

there’s nothing wrong with experimenting and trying new channels—but you need to set time limits to stop if something isn’t working. I find thirty days is more than enough to get results from your marketing experiments.

That’s why for an entrepreneur it’s important to have a lazy mindset. If something’s too hard and not working after a good try? Give up and move on!

Double down on the experiments that work the best.

rest: I stopped doing every other channel and went all in on YouTube.

CHALLENGE

What marketing strategies can I double down on?Let’s update your original marketing experiments sheet with actual sales. This should make it obvious which experiments to double down on and which ones to kill.

BUT instead of focusing ONLY on your new

customers, let’s take advantage of the ones you already have

4. Make Your First 100 Customers Happier

How would you double your business if you COULD NOT get any new customers?

This will help you think of ways you can overdeliver to your current customers. Because the biggest growth lever in business is customer retention and referrals. If you’re just starting out, every referral can literally double your business.

examples

replied to every YouTube comment. This made the audience feel special and connected to me.

gave my personal phone number to every customer even when we were making $20-million-plus a year

I personally write to customers to see what they like and dislike about us

What made you interested in buying Imgur?-What other websites/services would you want big discounts on?-Any suggestions or things you would have wanted to see on our website, appsumo.com?

Feel free to spread the word

The other key is to keep overdelivering and make your current customers as happy as possible. The benefits of this are twofold:

• Happy customers will refer your business to their friends

Happy customers are more likely to spend more cash and buy your new products or services.

The longer you retain customers, the more opportunity you have to earn more revenue from them.

every step of the way you can get feedback to make your product or service even better

Ask your customers this: “What is one thing we can do today that will make you twice as happy with us?”

CHALLENGEMake your customers happy.Ask one customer: “What is one thing I

can do today that will make you twice as happy with us?”

In your MDW journal, answer these five questions:

1. What is your one goal for this year?

2. Who exactly is your customer and where can you find them?

3. What is one marketing activity

4. you can double down on?

5. How can you delight your first 100 customers?

6. If you HAD to double your

business with no money in thirty days, what would you do?

reasons I became an entrepreneur. To live my life, my way

the first step to getting all you want in the world is allowing yourself to want it—and facing the fears necessary to be able to get what you want.

CHALLENGELet’s share your story of

success to help others

Send an email to noah@MillionDollarWeekend.com or post on social media and tag me @noahkagan

Bringing Out Your Dreams

In a j-o-b, you must accept the system you are in. As an entrepreneur, you get to design your own system

The challenge of your business—and your life—is designing a system that optimizes for your overall happiness

Dream Year Checklist

start by writing down how you’d love this year to turn out for you. This Dream Year isn’t just “I’m gonna have a nice

house and my business will rock it.” Include the specifics—where you’re living, what you’re doing, how you feel, where you travel to, etc.

This is to inspire you about all the things you can do in your life. Then really dial in the ones that feel important to you

This is a DREAM YEAR. That means dreaming big and not worrying about the how. All you’re doing right now is creating a vision for the year that fills you with excitement

Once you have a clear picture of your Dream Year, then you can focus on making it come true.

Instead of being reactive throughout the year and getting thrown off course, you have a chance to focus on what would be an incredible

year for YOU and to write it all down.

CHALLENGEWrite out your Dream Year.Make the checklist detailed and

specific

Turn Your Dream Year into Goals

Now that you have created your Dream Year, it’s time to take your dreams and choose

and organize them into your goals. This is your life, so PICK the things from your dream list you’re MOST excited about. Another key thing is consistency—it’s a GOOD thing if you’re continuing goals from previous years. Also, I prefer to have fewer things to accomplish but

I’m very excited to do them.

Categorize them into four sections: Work, Health, Personal, and Travel.

But feel free to change or add to these however you’d like, it’s YOUR life!

Here are the ones I picked from the above

year:

Work:

• $30 million for AppSumo
• 500,000 YouTube subscribers

Finish Million Dollar Weekend book

Health:

• Bike across America

• 75,000 push-ups

Personal:

• Complete pilot’s license and fly to Albuquerque

• Either donate all the money you make or spend it on yourself and friends

• Get a nice house in Austin

Travel

1. Do one week of solo travel
2. Visit a mountain biking city (Asheville, Sun Valley, Jackson Hole, Sedona)

• Trip with parents and brother

Key things about your goals:

• Don’t worry about doing everything in your dream year. Really think about which ones would excite

1. you. My rule of thumb is if you’re hesitating on the dream, then it shouldn’t make your goals list.
2. I don’t always accomplish everything on my lists every year. And that’s okay. This list is to help you

prioritize your time, which we’ll talk about next. You can schedule and make sure you are working toward the things you really want to do

Over the past ten years I’ve tried to set super-aggressive goals, but I’ve

found that it’s better to aim for more sustainable goals. It’s more impressive to find and stick with something than burn out after being impressive for one year

This list works for you, not the

other way around. If midyear you realize something doesn’t matter, change it. I aim to review and update this list only twice a year

The best way to make sure you accomplish your goals is to see them often

Find one person to send your yearly goals to.This can be someone who invested $1 in you early on, a friend . . . anyone you trust to check in with you regularly and

challenge you on your BS as they help you follow through on your promises

CHALLENGE

Yearly goals list.Use the four categories to flush out your yearly goals.Work  

Health

Personal  

Travel

Coloring Your Calendar

If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.—Benjamin Franklin

1. Put everything in a Category.
2. Assign a Color Code to your categories.
3. Schedule with color your key weekly priorities.

Perform a weekly Sunday accountability (p)review.

1. Blue = Work
2. Green = Health
3. Purple = Personal
4. Yellow = Travel

questions I use to prioritize my time:

1. How do I pick what to actually do

each week?

Every Sunday, I spend fifteen minutes looking over the past week and setting my tasks for the next one

2. How do I know if these tasks are moving me in the right direction of my goal?

3. What if I want to be lazy, do I need to schedule it?

4. How can I double down on activities that move me toward my goals?

Never Entrepreneur Alone

Great entrepreneurs have great entrepreneurial communities. There’s no such thing as self-made. Everyone is team

made

three ways to meet the right people to help you on your business journey

1. Get an Accountability Buddy

We make better choices and work harder when someone else is observing our behavior. Researchers call it the Hawthorne effect. I call it my number one productivity hack.

Find someone you respect, probably a peer working toward similar goals, and establish this Sunday ritual to help each other on your journeys

CHALLENGEAccountability buddy.My accountability buddy is:

Find one person to send your weekly goals to. For the past ten years, I’ve worked

with Adam Gilbert from mybodytutor.com every week on my yearly goals. Accountability is a superpower. Go to MillionDollarWeekend.com and join our newsletter. I’ll try to connect you with an accountability buddy.

You found an accountability buddy, but how can you meet others to help you succeed at business? Here are two ways that work!

2. Target Prefluencers

I always make an effort to connect with ambitious people BEFORE they make it. It’s so

much easier to connect with them, help each other, and build actual relationships.

Here are three principles to help you find Prefluencers:

1. Who’s doing work you’re impressed by?
2. AND who doesn’t have a ton of attention and is likely to reply?
3. AND what can you do to help this person?

CHALLENGEConnect with a Prefluencer.The easiest way to connect with anyone is to compliment them first WITHOUT asking for anything in return.The Prefluencer I’m reaching out to

Send this message:Hey [first name],LOVING what you’re putting out. [Insert specifically what you liked or how it impacted your life]Keep going!

From here, the person will likely respond and you can open up a dialogue to talk about working together or helping each other in the future

relationships like the above script is just sending a compliment without any expectations.

3. Build Your VIP Network with Referrals

After meeting someone new, Andrew would send them a thank-you email. In it, he would include:

• Highlights from the chat he found interesting

1. Follow-ups and to-dos
2. Request to meet more people

When he got a new list of people to meet, Andrew would send an intro email with three

key points:

1. Short blurb about himself
2. Value he could provide (that is to say, what’s in it for them?)

Why he was excited to meet them

Telling someone why you are interesting

how you can help, and why you want to meet works like gangbusters. If you fail to include these points for the person you’re reaching out to, expect to be ignored

CHALLENGEAsk your friends for one referral.

1. Tell me the first person that comes to mind. Who’s the most

2. impressive friend you know?

3. Send this message to that friend:

Hey <friend>You are the most impressive friend I

know and I’d love your help in expanding my network.I love: VR, 3D printers, email marketing.Who’s one person you think I should connect with?If no one comes to mind, no pressure

I like asking for just one person to make it easier to think about. And then say no pressure on the other person vs give them an assignment of having to introduce me to someone

After you’ve had a great meeting

with that person, thank your original friend and ask the new one for a referral.

Nonviolent Communication (8/10)

Easy concepts to grasp, challenging to apply to the real world. This is how we communicate with other people. I have been trying some of the methods and mindset while I was reading this book. Sometimes the strategies of using empathy and getting to know the needs behind words and behaviors have helped resolve tensions but other times it falls flat on it’s face due to me being very mechanistic about the whole thing. This is going to need a re-read at some point.

There is clear direction in my mind about what other areas to study in order to get better at this:

• Getting better at Empathy
• Being in touch with your own needs and feelings
• Saying “No” without Feeling Guilty
• Negotiating without compromising (Identify and satisfy the needs of both sides)

Summary and Highlights

When we give from the heart, we do so out of the joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person’s life.

This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain.

The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone’s well-being.

Four components of NVC:

1. observations
2. feelings
3. needs
4. requests

Helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish.

Guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives.

Fosters deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.

Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and still others to build effective relationships at work or in the political arena.

Moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values.

First component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations. Instead, observations are to be made specific to time and context, for example, “Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games,” rather than “Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.”

A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling

In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:

Words such as that, like, as if: “I feel that you should know better.” “I feel like a failure.” “I feel as if I’m living with a wall.” The pronouns I, you, he, she, they, it: “I feel I am constantly on call.” “I feel it is useless.” Names or nouns referring to people: “I feel Amy has been pretty responsible.” “I feel my boss is being manipulative.”

Expressions of actual feelings: “I feel disappointed in myself as a guitar player.” “I feel impatient with myself as a guitar player.” “I feel frustrated with myself as a guitar player.”

How we are likely to feel when our needs are being met:

absorbed adventurous affectionate alert alive amazed amused animated appreciative ardent aroused astonished blissful breathless buoyant calm carefree cheerful comfortable complacent composed concerned confident contented cool curious dazzled delighted eager ebullient ecstatic effervescent elated enchanted encouraged energetic engrossed enlivened enthusiastic excited exhilarated expansive expectant exultant fascinated free friendly fulfilled glad gleeful glorious glowing good-humored grateful gratified happy helpful hopeful inquisitive inspired intense interested intrigued invigorated involved joyous, joyful jubilant keyed-up loving mellow merry mirthful moved optimistic overjoyed overwhelmed peaceful perky pleasant pleased proud quiet radiant rapturous refreshed relaxed relieved satisfied secure sensitive serene spellbound splendid stimulated surprised tender thankful thrilled touched tranquil trusting upbeat warm wide-awake wonderful zestful

How we are likely to feel when our needs are not being met:

afraid aggravated agitated alarmed aloof angry anguished annoyed anxious apathetic apprehensive aroused ashamed beat bewildered bitter blah blue bored brokenhearted chagrined cold concerned confused cool cross dejected depressed despairing despondent detached disaffected disappointed discouraged disenchanted disgruntled disgusted disheartened
dismayed displeased disquieted distressed disturbed downcast downhearted dull edgy embarrassed embittered exasperated exhausted fatigued fearful fidgety forlorn frightened frustrated furious gloomy guilty harried heavy helpless hesitant horrible horrified hostile hot humdrum hurt impatient indifferent intense irate irked irritated jealous jittery keyed-up lazy leery lethargic listless lonely mad mean miserable mopey morose mournful nervous nettled numb overwhelmed panicky passive perplexed pessimistic puzzled rancorous reluctant repelled resentful restless sad scared sensitive shaky shocked skeptical sleepy sorrowful sorry spiritless startled surprised suspicious tepid terrified tired troubled uncomfortable unconcerned uneasy unglued unhappy unnerved unsteady upset uptight vexed weary wistful withdrawn woeful worried wretched

1. We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves.
2. blame others.
3. sense our own feelings and needs.
4. sense others’ feelings and needs.

Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”

Development toward a state of emotional liberation, most of us experience three stages in the way we relate to others.

Stage 1: In this stage, which I refer to as emotional slavery, we believe ourselves responsible for the feelings of others.

We think we must constantly strive to keep everyone happy. If they don’t appear happy, we feel responsible and compelled to do something about it. This can easily lead us to see the very people who are closest to us as burdens.

Stage 2: In this stage, we become aware of the high costs of assuming responsibility for others’ feelings and trying to accommodate them at our own expense. When we notice how much of our lives we’ve missed and how little we have responded to the call of our own soul, we may get angry.

Stage 3: At the third stage, emotional liberation, we respond to the needs of others out of compassion, never out of fear, guilt, or shame.

Using Positive Action Language

Express what we are requesting rather than what we are not requesting.

Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.

Our requests are received as demands when others believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply.

When people hear a demand, they see only two options: submission or rebellion. Either way, the person requesting is perceived as coercive, and the listener’s capacity to respond compassionately to the request is diminished.

The more we have in the past blamed, punished, or “laid guilt trips” on others when they haven’t responded to our requests, the higher the likelihood that our requests will now be heard as demands.

Choosing to request rather than demand.

Does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request.

The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives.

Try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not.

Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to get it. Since the message we send is not always the message that’s received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard.

Common behaviors that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others:

Advising: “I think you should … ” “How come you didn’t … ?” One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.” Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just … ” Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.” Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time … ” Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing … ” Interrogating: “When did this begin?” Explaining: “I would have called but … ” Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.

After we focus our attention and hear what others are observing, feeling, and needing and what they are requesting to enrich their lives, we may wish to reflect back by paraphrasing what we have understood.

Our tone communicates that we’re asking whether we have understood—not claiming that we have understood.

Behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being.

Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. We often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being.

Carl Rogers - “When … someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good! … When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.”

Conversations that are lifeless for the listener are equally so for the speaker.

Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, defuse potential violence, hear the word no without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence.

Mourning in NVC

The process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and the feelings that are generated when we have been less than perfect

Experience of regret, but regret that helps us learn from what we have done without blaming or hating ourselves.

Moralistic judgments we use when blaming ourselves tend to obscure such possibilities and to perpetuate a state of self-punishment.

Self-Forgiveness

When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?

Don’t Do Anything That Isn’t Play!

An important form of self-compassion is to make choices motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation.

Translating “Have to” to “Choose to”

Step 1 List any activity you dread but do anyway because you perceive yourself to have no choice.

Step 2 Acknowledge to yourself that you are doing these things because you choose to do them, not because you have to. Insert the words “I choose to … “ in front of each item you listed.

Step 3 After having acknowledged that you choose to do a particular activity, get in touch with the intention behind your choice by completing the statement, I choose to … because I want ….

When we do things solely in the spirit of enhancing life, we will find others appreciating us. Their appreciation, however, is only a feedback mechanism confirming that our efforts had the intended effect. The recognition that we have chosen to use our power to serve life and have done so successfully brings us the genuine joy of celebrating ourselves in a way that approval from others can never offer.

When we speak a language that denies choice, we forfeit the life in ourselves for a robotlike mentality that disconnects us from our own core.

Anger

We are never angry because of what others say or do.

Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.

Anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met

All violence is the result of people tricking themselves, as did this young man, into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.

Why would people want to tell the truth, knowing they will be judged and punished for doing so?

The more people hear blame and judgment, the more defensive and aggressive they become and the less they will care about our needs in the future

Four Steps to Expressing Anger:

1. Stop and do nothing except to breathe.
2. Identify the thoughts that are making us angry.
3. Connect to the needs behind those thoughts
4. Open our mouth and speak the anger—but the anger has been transformed into needs and need-connected feelings.

The more we empathize with what leads them to behave in the ways that are not meeting our needs, the more likely it is that they will be able to reciprocate afterwards.

Exercise: List the judgments that float most frequently in your head by using the cue, “I don’t like people who are … ” Collect all such negative judgments in your head and then ask yourself, “When I make that judgment of a person, what am I needing and not getting?”

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

Creating a connection between the people who are in conflict is the most important thing.

It’s not until you have forged that connection that each side will seek to know exactly what the other side is feeling and needing. The parties also need to know from the start that the objective is not to get the other side to do what they want them to do. And once the two sides understand that, it becomes possible—sometimes even easy—to have a conversation about how to meet their needs.

Use the word satisfaction instead of compromise!

Our objective is to meet everyone’s needs fully.

If we had a clear statement of each person’s needs—what those parties need right now from each other—we will then discover what can be done to get everybody’s needs met.

Conflict Resolution Steps:

1. Express our own needs.
2. Search for the real needs of the other person.
3. Verify that we both accurately recognize the other person’s needs.
4. Provide as much empathy as is required for us to mutually hear each other’s needs accurately.
5. Propose strategies for resolving the conflict, framing them in positive action language.

Needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action.

Strategies, which may appear in the form of requests, desires, wants, and “solutions,” refer to specific actions that specific people may take.

Instead of expressing needs, they were doing analysis, which is easily heard as criticism by a listener.

When we reflect back incorrect guesses to others, it may help them get in touch with their true needs.

Have the Needs Been Heard?

When people are upset, they often need empathy before they can hear what is being said to them

Using Present and Positive Action Language to Resolve Conflict.

Avoid moving hastily into strategies, as this may result in a compromise that lacks the deep quality of authentic resolution that is possible.

It is the presentation of strategies in clear, present, positive action language that moves conflicts toward resolution.

Present language statement refers to what is wanted at this moment.

“Would you be willing to …”

In the absence of present language, a request such as “I’d like you to go to the show with me Saturday night” fails to convey what’s being asked of the listener at that moment.

“Would you be willing to tell me whether you will go to the show with me Saturday night?,”

Supports clarity and ongoing connection in the exchange. We can further clarify the request by indicating what we may want from the other person in the present moment, “Would you be willing to tell me how you feel about going to the show with me Saturday night?”

Using Action Verbs

Focus on what we do want rather than what we do not want. Talking about what one doesn’t want can easily create confusion and resistance among conflicting parties.

It’s not unusual, if someone tells us they’d like us to listen when they are talking, for us to hear accusations and thus feel some resentment.

A situation that is typical in conflicts when parties use vague words like “listen” to express strategies.

Use of action verbs to capture something that we can see or hear happening—something that can be recorded with a video camera. “Listening” occurs inside a person’s head; another person cannot see whether it is happening or not. One way to determine that someone is actually listening is to have that person reflect back what had been said: we ask the person to take an action that we ourselves can see or hear. If the other party can tell us what was just said, we know that person heard and was indeed listening to us.

Maintaining respect is a key element in successful conflict resolution.

When they say “no,” they’re saying they have a need that keeps them from saying “yes” to what we are asking.

Keep the Conversation in the Present

It is likely that we will hear a lot of discussion about what happened in the past and what people want to happen differently in the future. However, conflict resolution can only happen right now, so now is where we need to focus.

Use role-play to speed up the mediation process.

Sometimes mediations get heated, with people shouting at or talking over one another. To keep the process on track under such circumstances, we need to get comfortable with interrupting.

The purpose of interrupting is to restore the process.

When we witness behaviors that raise concern in us

First thing we do is to empathize with the needs of the person who is behaving in the way we dislike.

The Protective Use of Force

NVC requires us to differentiate between the protective and the punitive uses of force.

The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury or injustice. The intention behind the punitive use of force is to cause individuals to suffer for their perceived misdeeds.

People behave in ways injurious to themselves and others due to some form of ignorance. The corrective process is therefore one of education, not punishment.

Ignorance includes: (1) a lack of awareness of the consequences of our actions. (2) an inability to see how our needs may be met without injury to others. (3) the belief that we have the right to punish or hurt others because they “deserve” it. (4) delusional thinking that involves, for example, hearing a voice that instructs us to kill someone.

Punitive action, on the other hand, is based on the assumption that people commit offenses because they are bad or evil, and to correct the situation, they need to be made to repent. Their “correction” is undertaken through punitive action designed to make them: (1) suffer enough to see the error of their ways (2) repent (3) change

In practice, however, punitive action, rather than evoking repentance and learning, is just as likely to generate resentment and hostility and to reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking.

Children’s fear of corporal punishment may obscure their awareness of the compassion that underlies parental demands.

Other uses of force also qualify as punishment. One is the use of blame to discredit another person; for example, a parent may label a child as “wrong,” “selfish,” or “immature” when a child doesn’t behave in a certain way. Another form of punitive force is the withholding of some means of gratification, such as parents’ curtailing allowances or driving privileges. In this vein, the withdrawal of caring or respect is one of the most powerful threats of all.

When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself.

The job gets done, but morale suffers.

Sooner or later, productivity will decrease.

Punishment is costly in terms of goodwill. The more we are seen as agents of punishment, the harder it is for others to respond compassionately to our needs.

Two Questions That Reveal the Limitations of Punishment

What do I want this person to do that’s different from what he or she is currently doing? What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing what I’m asking?

Punishment and reward interfere with people’s ability to do things motivated by the reasons we’d like them to have.

NVC, however, fosters a level of moral development based on autonomy and interdependence, whereby we acknowledge responsibility for our own actions and are aware that our own well-being and that of others are one and the same.

Freeing Ourselves From Old Programming

Pain engendered by damaging cultural conditioning is such an integral part of our lives that we can no longer distinguish its presence.

Resolving Internal Conflicts

Ernest Becker attributes depression to “cognitively arrested alternatives.”

When we have a judgmental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.

Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication

When we use NVC to express appreciation, it is purely to celebrate, not to get something in return.

Three Components of Appreciation:

1. Actions that have contributed to our well-being
2. Particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled
3. Pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs

Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”

Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” - Marianne Williamson

Be more aware of what others around me are doing that enriches my life, and to hone my skills in expressing this appreciation.

Some Basic Needs We All Have

Autonomy

• Choosing dreams/goals/values
• Choosing plans for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values

Celebration

• Celebrating the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
• Celebrating losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)

Integrity

• Authenticity
• Creativity
• Meaning
• Self-worth

Interdependence

• Acceptance
• Appreciation
• Closeness
• Community
• Consideration
• Contribution to the enrichment of life
• Emotional Safety
• Empathy
• Honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
• Love
• Reassurance
• Respect
• Support
• Trust
• Understanding

Physical Nurturance

• Air
• Food
• Movement, exercise
• Protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals
• Rest
• Sexual Expression
• Shelter
• Touch
• Water
• Play
• Fun
• Laughter

Spiritual Communion

• Beauty
• Harmony
• Inspiration
• Order
• Peace

Books mentioned:

How to Make Yourself Miserable, Dan Greenburg The Color Purple, Alice Walker Building a Peace System, Robert Irwin The Revolution in Psychiatry, Ernest Becker The Secret of Staying in Love, John Powell

The 12 Week Year (8/10)

This second half of the book was almost an identical copy of the second half of the book. But still filled with solid advice on establishing a vision, settings goals, measuring the effectiveness of your actions, and other tidbits about being effective and taking action.

I have been implementing most of this and needed to go back through to make sure I’ve got down the process.

I highly advise you make your own outline so you do not have to read everything “twice again”.

Summary and Highlights

The barrier between the life you are living and the life you want is effective execution. Getting in shape is not a knowledge problem, it’s an execution problem. In order to maintain effective execution, you must:

• Focus on the things that matter
• Maintain a sense of urgency
• Get rid of low value activity

Annual goals remove the sense of urgency we need to achieve our goals. 12 weeks is long enough to get things done, but short enough to not let you lose sight of your goals. Every 12 weeks you get a fresh start.

If you have had a bad 12 week year you can shake it off and start fresh. If you have had a good 12 week year, then you can build off the momentum.

At the end of each 12 week year, take a week of to reflect, regroup, and re-energize. You have 4 times as many opportunities to set new goals and celebrate your accomplishments.

Each weeks counts. And each day counts as you increase your focus on a few important daily tasks. Focusing on the short term keeps you from getting ahead of yourself.

You need a strong emotional stake in your goals

Action is uncomfortable, you must have values in place. You must value your higher purpose more than your comfort. If you establish a compelling vision of the future. And align your short term goals and plans with that vision. Then it will be easier to cope with short term discomforts.

Questions to ask when creating your vision:

• What do you truly want to achieve?
• What legacy do you want to create?
• What do you want for yourself and your family?
• What do you want spiritually?
• What level of security do you seek?
• What level of income and fulfillment do you want from your career?
• What interests do you wish you could pursue?
• What do you really want to do with the time you have been allotted?

You create things mentally before you create them physically. And you will never outpace your mental models. Vision is where you engage your thinking about what is possible for you.

People focus on only their career or business. But those are only certain aspects of life. You need to establish a vision of your whole life, and align your business goals around that.

You need to make your vision compelling enough to act on it. This is what creates the emotional connection needed to act on your goals.

This creates passion.

The execution system

The eight fundamental elements can be broken down into 5 disciplines and 3 principles.

5 Disciplines

1. Vision
2. Planning
3. Process Control
4. Measurement
5. Time use

3 Principles

1. Accountability
2. Commitment
3. Greatness in the moment

How to create a personal vision

Find out what you want in all areas of life:

• Spiritual
• Relationships
• Family
• Income
• Lifestyle
• Health
• Community

Your career or business vision is is more powerful when it is developed in light of your personal vision. Once you have a personal vision, you can figure exactly the amount of income or production you need from your career or business.

By thinking about your vision often, your strengthen the areas of the brain that would help you make that happen.

Shift from a “How?” mindset to a “What if?” mindset. This helps you see your vision as possible. Then to “How might I?” and determine a plan. This helps you see your vision as probable.

Next, Implement your plan. This moves your vision from probable to Given.

Three time horizons for your vision

• Long term aspirations
• Mid-term (3 years)
• 12 weeks

Long term aspirations

Imagine and embrace all possibilities. What do you want to have, do, and be in your life? What is most important to you in each life category? How much free time? What level of income?

What is your vision 5, 10, and 15 years into the future?

Mid-term (3 years)

What do you want to create over the next 3 years based on your long term vision?

Ask yourself these questions

Why are these things important to you? What does your vision unlock for you? What will be different for you, and those around you, if you reach that goal? Who will you share your vision with? How often have you looked at your vision? What risks or barriers might get in the way?

Team or family vision

Have each member work through their personal visions. Then come together and make a group vision that aligns with everyone’s personal visions.

Do this

• Take your vision seriously. Keep it in front of you and align your plans with it. Review it often.
• Think BIG. Your vision should challenge you.
• Share your vision with others, print it out, review it daily. Find ways to make it more meaningful and vivid.
• Reflect on each day. Was it filled with activity that moved you toward your vision? What action will you take tomorrow?

The 12 week year

A vision without a plan is just a dream. Working from a plan helps you focus on the right things, saves you time, and reduces mistakes. You make your mistakes when writing your plan down on paper. A plan helps you cut through unimportant distractions that pop up every day.

Quarterly goals are typically smaller goals that help you get to your annual goals. 12 week years are shrinking your annual goals into 12 weeks. Each 12 weeks stands alone.

12 weeks is a more predictable time frame. The farther the goal, the more unpredictable. Which makes it harder and harder to plan for. it’s nearly impossible to predict what your actions should be 12 months into the future.

12 weeks narrows your focus and keeps you from spreading yourself too thin. 12 weeks also gives you structure.

1. Set goals

Identify your 1-3 goals for the 12 weeks. This goals are the next 1-3 steps toward your long term vision. Then, create the tactics, or the daily or weekly actions you need to take to reach those goals.

Consistent action on few critical tasks is what drives success. Like dropping water wearing away on a stone.

Spend 20 minutes at the beginning of each week to review your previous week and plan the new one. Spend the first 5 minutes of each day reviewing your weekly plan and setting your plan for the day accordingly.

Check in with this plan multiple times per day and make sure you are executing on it. A good goal is specific and measurable, positively stated, realistic, and time bound.

Ask yourself why this goal is important to you? What will be different if your achieve this goal?

Is this in line with your vision?

2. Create a plan

Set the actions needed, and when they are to be acted on, as daily or weekly tasks. Brainstorm on a sheet of paper all of the things you need to do to or ideas to achieve your goal.

What actions will you struggle with? What can you do to overcome those struggles? Select the smallest number of the brainstormed actions needed to achieve the goal.

Trying to execute too many tactics will spread you thin.

Keep it simple.

3. Set up Process controls

Process controls are what you do to keep your plan from breaking down in a lapse of willpower. The two elements of process control are a weekly plan, and peer support.

A weekly plan gives you clarity. Not all is lost when you lose 50% of a week.

Peer support creates room for getting help from others. Meet on a weekly basis to discuss progress, struggles, and challenges. Encourage one another. Form a group of 2-4 committed people.

Weekly meeting agenda:

• Individual report
  1. Results to date
  2. Weekly execution score
  3. Intentions for the coming week
  4. Feedback and suggestions from the group
• Discuss what has been working and how to incorporate that into each other’s plan
• Encouragement

Weekly plan

Take 15 minutes at the beginning of each week to plan the week on paper. Make sure you include all of your tasks for the week. Do not assume each week will be the same. And do not (usually) add extra tactics that weren’t in the original plan. Use this plan to guide your day.

Only change your plan if you have been executing and it’s not working.

Weekly Score

Measuring your success will tell you if what you are doing it working. And lets you know what adjustments to make. The data you get from measuring does not care about efforts or intentions. Only on outcomes. Are you getting the outcome you desire?

The sooner you confront yout outcomes, the sooner you can figure out what works and what doesn’t. Then you can shift your focus to what is working.

Measure lead and lag indicators.

Lag indicators measure overall results such as lbs lost, money made, etc. Lead indicators measure the activities that produce the results. Are you following through with your plan?

You can always control results, but you can control execution in real time. So Lead indicators should be your primary focus.

If you are not hitting your goals, is it a problem with the plan? Or with the execution of that plan? Is your strategy flawed? Or are you failing to implement that strategy? Once you identify your problem, you can address it head on.

Establish a set of lead and lag indicators for each of your goals. And measure your lead indicators as a percentage of tactics completed. (measuring execution, not results.) Score yourself on the percentage of tactics completed that week.

Strive for excellence, not perfection. Aim for 85% and you will most likely achieve your objectives. Even 65-70% is better than nothing.

Facing the reality of your actions is hard. You will be uncomfortable if you are not doing the things you need to do. (Productive tension)

Use this as a catalyst for change, instead of running away.

Team/Family Process Control

Does everyone have a plan for each week? Are they scoring each week? Are they participating in a weekly group meeting?

4. Use your time with purpose

Say no to things that go against your goals. Organize your life around your priorities that make progress toward your vision. Be intentional about how you allocate your time.

T.V. may be beneficial in some ways, but helping us live a life of significance is not one of them.

You may be doing busy work that is actually unimportant to the goals at hand.

Align your time and energy with what you do best and what you enjoy doing.

5. Performance time

Blocking out time chunks to work on important tasks. There are three categories of performance time:

1. Strategic blocks
2. Buffer blocks
3. Breakout blocks

Strategic blocks

3 hour block of time scheduled early into each week. Block out every distractions and work on core tasks. Reschedule if this gets interrupted. Time to work on your business not in it. Focus on one thing at a time. NO DISTRACTIONS!

• Connect with your vision
• 12 week review
• Assess performance breakdowns
• Work on tactics

Buffer blocks

For unplanned and low value activities lie checking email, phone calls, organizing, etc. 1-2 30 minute buffer blocks per day.

Breakout blocks

Taking time away from work. 3 hours long and spent on things other than your business. Used to refresh and reinvigorate your mind. Helps prevent burnout and create free time.

6. Creating a routine

Create an ideal week calendar where your schedule your performance time and organize critical tasks so that you will be most productive. Consider when you tend to be at your best. And schedule important tasks around those times.

7. Taking ownership

Own your results regardless of circumstances. Tap into your resources and give it your best. Own the things you can control (Your thinking and actions). Be willing to confront the truth about your situation.

Learn from failures and do not place blame.

Remove the victim mindset. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Be willing to take new and improved actions. And surround yourself with people who also take ownership.

Clarify expectations. Learn from life and focus on the future. Acknowledge reality.

Focus on the things that you can control.

8. 12 week commitments

Commitments are not broken when things get hard. Commitment fosters trust, confidence, and improves results. You are bound emotionally to a course of action.

When you are interested in something it can be abandoned. When you are committed, you are bound to results. You make no excuses.

Keys to successful commitments

• You have a strong desire that is meaningful.
• You identify the one or two core actions that will give you the result.
• You identify the costs associated with keeping the commitment.
• You act on the commitments rather than on your feelings.

12 week commitments are easier that 12 months ones. With a true commitment, don’t give yourself an out. Even if you fail. You gave it your all.

Don’t give up if you break a commitment once. And confront missed commitments.

Value your word.

Don’t over commit by taking on more than you can handle. Go public with your commitments and find a buddy.

Greatness happens in the moment

Your daily actions decide your greatness long before the results ever show up. The daily difference between mediocrity and greatness is slim. But the difference down the road is tremendous.

Intentional imbalance

Like balance is where you are purposeful about where your spend your time and efforts. It is not about spending equal time in all areas of life. You identify the most important areas of your life to work on, and set your 12 week goals to make progress in those areas.

Then, re evaluate the areas of yourlife that need work for the next 12 weeks. Rate the areas of your life out of 10. (Spiritual, Relationships, Family, Income, Lifestyle, Health, Community)

Then Work on the lowest ones.

The emotional cycle of change

5 stages people move through emotionally when changing their behavior

1. Uninformed Optimism We imagine all of the benefits but have not experienced the costs.
2. Informed Pessimism You begin to experience the costs and wonder if they are worth the end goal.
3. Valley of despair When most people give up. All of the pain of change is felt and the benefits seem far away or unimportant.
4. Informed Optimism New actions are becoming routine and you start to feel the benefits.
5. Success and fulfillment Cost of change are gone, benefits are fully realized

Every time you complete this cycle, your capacity and confidence increase. Awareness of this cycle is important to help you manage negative emotions.

Author book recommendations:

• Switch by Chip and Dan Heath
• The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
• Feel the Fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers

If you made it this far…

Please consider giving me some feedback. I want to become a better writer and help others grow along with me. Feedback is invaluable for this goal.

Thanks for reading!

The Blog Startup (8/10)

The Blog Startup - By Meera Kothand

If you are wanting to blog as a business, you need a sound strategy and business model. Filled with practical tips on identifying your audience, email strategy, branding, marketing, things to watch out for, etc. Definitely read this if you are wanting to start a blog.

Summary and Highlights

Have a business model.

Have core core or brand that is responsible for attracting people to you.

Two approaches to a new blog: content first or offer first.

With content first, you start with no product or service and create content to attract, grow, and nurture your audience. Your blog serves as a content hub to get people in the door.

You get permission to be in touch with them via email.

You find out what type of content makes your audience tick.

Once you start attracting an audience, you promote your own digital or affiliate products or offer the services that are most aligned with their needs and your skill set or expertise.

In Method 2, you have existing products and services and your blog serves to support your business

Even if you start with Method 1—like I did—you will eventually need to transition to Method 2

You need to figure out

• The types of problems you want to solve for your audience.

Your Business Model (Your pathway to making money. Because if you don’t monetize, you don’t

have a business.)

• Your core or essence (Your brand, which will be responsible for attracting your ideal readers or buyers.)

DOWNLOAD YOUR BONUS PACK AT HTTPS://THEBLOGSTARTUP.COM/BONUS

some myths you may have heard about niches:

• If there are big, established blogs in a niche, stay away from it.

• If you don’t have enough experience and knowledge in the niche, don’t even attempt it

Your niche has to be original.

If there are several blogs in a niche, that nicheemis/emcrowded. But it also means that there is validation

of an existing audience out there for your blog…

That there is demand for the information, products, and services related to that niche

That there are people who are actively looking to solve pain points or need support in this niche

Those big blogs may take a chunk of your audience, but not everyone will resonate with the voice and style of the big blogs. That’s the reason several blogs are able to thrive alongside each other. Remember that people are more likely to be influenced by someone they like and can relate to—someone who’s at a level that seems

attainable. The pieemis/embig enough for all of us

The basis of a good niche is four-fold:

1. Your target audience’s pain points

2. Your strengths and interests

Think of your blog in terms of the problem it solves.

a niche is a solution to a problem

People want to be better versions of themselves. This better version does not have to be about having more money. It could fall under

any one of the following areas:

• Personal development

• Fitness

• Food

• Budgeting or personal finance

• Fashion/Beauty

Lifestyle

– Home decor

– Organization

– Travel

– Outdoor/Survival

The missing puzzle pieces that people don’t consider before they pick a niche are

3. Are there others in this niche who are

a. serving a similar audience (big or small) who have the same problem or pain points that you

want to help solve

b. effectively monetizing their sites

Who is participating in the conversation in this niche? Make a list of these people. Take note of their biz models: How are they monetizing their blogs? If you see that people are paying to get rid

of pain or to gain something, then there’s certainly potential in that niche. You’re looking for signs of money flows in the niche. This could be via digital products, coaching, services, events, or even physical products

Your niche does not target a one & done

problem

Your niche needs to have recurring income potential. You don’t want to solve a problem that people only seek help for once. You want a niche where people have the opportunity to advance and fulfill their potential at various stages. How can they solve pain points of various intensities as

they progress

help your audience through

various tiny transformations

Out of all your ideas, which ones do you have a clear monetization plan for

what

can see yourself working on for at least the next 3–5 years?

bring your topics under one overarching theme or topic. What is your main message to your audience? What is the one thing you want them to take away? What message combines your different topics?

Frugality? Purposeful or intentional living? Happiness? Minimalism?

Pick a message, keep it at the center, and then work out your value proposition

when you try to explain five other things at the same time. Too many messages get confusing.

Jot down ideas on what your niche could be and make sure it meets the four-fold criteria

theblogstartup.com/workbook

core message of your blog. This will form the basis for every single email, video, image, blog post, or product you create

Your content has to educate, entertain, inspire, teach, or help your readers in some way

How can you come up with an all-encompassing purpose or value proposition for your blog? You start by defining your blog parameters and drilling down into them to get really specific

State your big business umbrella

• Drill down to the core business or niche.

• State your Niche Level 1 (For who); i.e., what group/location

Drill down to your Niche Level 2 (To do what); i.e., what problem you want to help them with

educate/inspire/entertain/teach/help __________ who want to __________.

I show __________ how __________.

Psychographics

• What frustrates them?

• What worries do they have?

• What websites do they visit?

What blogs do they read?

• What other hobbies or interests do they have?

• What social media channels do they hang out on?

• What mental block do they have to overcome?

• What is preventing your ideal reader from

achieving the desired change?

Motivational Factors

• What do they desire, want, and aspire to?

• What are their fears, frustrations, and challenges?

• What do they want to achieve in the next three

years?

define clearly who I do notstrongwant to serve./strong>

My ideal reader is unlikely to be…

• My ideal reader is unlikely to identify with the

term…

• My ideal reader is unlikely to be interested in

Research your ideal reader.

Create a persona based on that research

Join Facebook groups where your ideal audience members are likely to hang out

Once you have access to a Facebook group, use the “Search this group” box and type in the following keywords (including the quotation marks):

need help”

• “desperate for”

• “newbie”

• “have no clue”

• “advice about”

• “question about”

Other places you can mine for information on your ideal reader are Amazon, Udemy, and Product Hunt to name a few

Look at products within your niche. What reviews and comments do they have? What are your audience saying

keep a swipe file of the exact ways your audience are describing their pain points, you can use these very words on your home page, about page, and landing pages to connect with them

YourstrongBRAND/strongisn’t the logo or color palette you choose. Rather it’s the experience someone has with you

What experience do you want to create? That’s what should influence your color palette. That’s what should influence your choice of font or logo

You can’t build a personal brand if you try to be all things for all people

The more you alienate people, the more you attract your own kind of people too.

If you were a well-known blogger, who would you be?”

There should be one or two people who immediately come to mind

think of who in the online space you most

resonate with. What about them do you want to emulate for your brand? What aspects of their brand do you want to incorporate for your own blog and business? Do you know what you believe in? What you stand for?

I want my target audience persona to feel that I’m ________ when they read my posts and watch/listen to my content (e.g., motivating, approachable).

Most people would describe me as _________

e.g., professional, confident, knowledgeable, fun).

• My blog business believes in_________.

• If I was a well-known blogger, I would be_______.

• I would never want to be seen as ____________.

would never want my content to be ___________.

• What feelings do I want my brand to evoke?

A solid brand creates trust, recognition, and consistency

The words, tone, and style you use in your writing say a lot about it.

You need to be consistent in the voice you project across different content pieces and even platforms.

if you’re not careful, you can end up with

a random concoction of voices and tones.

People won't quite get what you're about

You'll start attracting different people and end up confusing your target audience.

This is why you don’t ever want to leave defining your brand to chance. You also don’t want to

sound like others in your niche

qualify what your brand isn’t. For instance, your brand is bold but not arrogant. Fun but not wishy-washy

Honest

but not hurtful

Put these together using the ADDE (Attribute Markers – Dos – Don’ts – Expressions) Formula. Do’s are a short description of what your attribute markers actually mean. Don’ts define how you

don’t want your brand voice to come across. And the expressions drill down into the tiny nuances of how your brand voice comes across.

add in special expressions that embellish your writing. How would you talk to that

person? Is your brand funny, warm, girly, or quirky? Or is it sophisticated, modern, and serious?

Something that’s right for someone else might not be right for you, so know yourself well

When you write like everyone else and sound like everyone else and act like everyone else, you’re saying, ‘Our products are like everyone else’s, too.’ Or

Would you go to a dinner

party and just repeat what the person to the right of you is saying all night long?

Always ask yourself, Does this sound and feel like you? Does this represent your brand?

Make your own color palette at Adobe Color5 or explore predesigned color palettes at Color Hunt6

Use the 60/30/10 rule for colors.

A primary color should take up 60% of the space. For contrast, 30% of the space should be occupied by the secondary color. The remaining 10

should be used for the accent color.

Use a word association exercise like the one at Viget7

you select your brand colors. Then head to FontPair8 to pick a set of complimentary fonts

use a maximum of 2–3 fonts on your site. You could use one font for your headers, one font for your body of text, and an accent font which you should use sparingly on your sidebar or

images

Google fonts are safe for free

and

commercial use.

You do not need a professionally designed logo

Get a simple font logo instead

3 MUST-ANSWER QUESTIONS BEFORE YOU PROCEED

WHAT WILL BE YOUR PRIMARY CONTENT CHANNEL—THE MEDIUM YOU USE TO BUILD TRUST AND GROW YOUR AUDIENCE?

blog to be your primary content channel

pick one when you’re starting out because you don’t want to spread yourself too thin.

pick ONE main traffic source (likely a social media platform) and one secondary traffic source

primary traffic source is the one that helps you with lead

generation. It brings traffic to your site, and if your site is optimized well (which we’ll talk about in just bit)

it’ll help you convert traffic to subscribers and grow your email list, i.e., your audience

examples of traffic sources

Pinterest

YouTube

• Instagram

• LinkedIn

• Borrowing others’ platforms (i.e., guest posting)

• Influencers

pick one that’s aligned with your ideal audience.

INSTAGRAM • Best place to reach teens and millennials. 59% of 18–29-year-olds use Instagram.

FACEBOOK • Works in largely any market. 84% of 30–49-year-olds use Facebook.

• But Facebook is clamping down heavily on diet, weight loss, etc. Check if your market

is approved by their ToS

PINTEREST • Marketing primarily to women, focusing on physical products. 45% of women online vs. 17% of men online.

YOUTUBE • Involve keyword targeting. Reach predominantly male audience.

• 55% of men online vs. 44% of women online.

TWITTER • Younger market. More techy.

LINKEDIN • 45% $75K+annual income.

Your secondary traffic source is one that feeds your primary traffic source or your marketing goals

Guest posting was a huge part of my strategy to grow my audience when I started out

connect with influencers by sharing their work.

engaged with them on Twitter so that I could get on their radar and get them familiar with my name before I pitched them a post

If you’re stretched too thin, forego the secondary

source of traffic altogether and just focus on your primary traffic source.

HOW WILL YOU BUILD AUTHORITY AND CREDIBILITY?

Can you get featured on podcasts and guest posts?

Can you coach or help people in exchange for a testimonial?

How can you work on displaying more authority markers such as “as seen in” logos?

did a ton of free site reviews and email sequence reviews for my readers when I started out

did guest

posting as I mentioned earlier so that I could display “as seen in” logos on my site to build credibility and authority

book But I’m Not an Expert!

your ONE constant will be an email list.

You don’t own anything other than your email list. Your blog is a transient medium

Email is the only thing that gives you this undivided attention.

You think you need it only after building an audience but without it, it’s hard to nurture an audience as well. And even if you have a product ready for sale now, you wouldn’t be able

to sell it because you don’t have a pool of subscribers to sell it to.

Your primary content channel is to attract an audience, build trust, and entice them to sign up for your email

list

What separates you from everyone else?

How is your content different? How is your business going to be different?

You don’t want to fit in. When you blend in too much with everyone else in your niche, you make it hard for readers to choose you.

this “the hook”—a simple pivot or deviation from something familiar meant to get your audience’s

attention.

book The One Hour Content Plan

think about why someone should read your blog over the thousands of others on a similar subject matter?

six

ways to differentiate your business. Have a look at the diagram below.

saying it in a way that nobody else has before via your brand voice, style, or presentation

Are you able to solve

your audience’s pain point in a better way than anyone else?

Everything you do is centered around helping your audience tackle one specific challenge

giving your audience access to you is seen as a bad thing. But this is how you can

distinguish yourself

Good service is a point of parity; it’s what you’re expected to have. So if this is your differentiator, your service has to be truly exceptional

Every brand has a spot in the marketplace. While low price does not necessarily equate to low quality, especially when you target the right audience, you don’t want to pick this as a differentiator. Because this often leads to a race

the bottom

Once you pick a point of differentiation, ask yourself the following:

Is it relevant to your readers?

What words do they use to describe your content and doing business with you? Is this aligned with how you want to differentiate yourself? Is that differentiation evident to your readers?

Your differentiation strategy may need to change with time so always analyze the space and see that your differentiation strategy still holds true.

Don’t fall for the most popular or

promoted tool or service

Free or cheapest is not always the best

what you can expect to pay for in the early

A premium mobile-optimized theme

• Good hosting

• An email service provider

• Lead capture tools (landing pages & opt-in forms)

As you charge more for your products, you may want to create a better experience for your students

As you start to attract more people, maybe you want to outsource design rather than do it yourself.

Can I make back this investment? Does this investment allow me to save time to (a) serve my audience better and (b) engage in business-building activities that would allow me to increase my income?

Think of your content in terms of buckets. Each content category is a bucket and you can have 3–5 content buckets.

think about the content your target persona wants and needs. What does she want to know from you? What subjects do you have enough knowledge or experience in, that matter to her?

If I wanted to be known for just three topics, what would those be?”

Your readers start to get a clear picture of what you are about and who you serve.

• You’re seen as “an expert” or knowledgeable in a few topics rather than anything and everything.

It’s easier to work with brands because they’ll look at your main topics to see if they fit with their products.

• It’s easier to secure clients

These will shift over time

it’s easier to establish authority in 1–3 topics

bank or vault to capture ideas in.

where exactly are you going to get ideas from?

LOOK AT YOUR OWN NICHE AND COMPETITION

What articles have done well for them in terms of shares and comments?

How can you replicate this success?

Sign up for content curation sites. These are

sites like

- ContentGems

- Scoop.it

- BuzzSumo

These sites will send you lists of articles on topics you have selected in your notification

settings. These sources will give you the fuel to ensure your content bank is always filled.

Only attempt to replicate those topics if there is a gap that you can fill.

There are three characteristics of content that are deemed valuable

Fills an opportunity gap

Could your content be better? Will your piece make a contribution to the existing content on this topic? Could you make it more helpful or

user-friendly with tutorials or videos? Can it go further in-depth?

2. Has a clearly identifiable point of view

Is there a viewpoint or angle that hasn’t been addressed in the existing content out there?

Does your content take a stance about the topics and

problems in your niche that others have not? Could your personality or brand voice give it a different slant?

3. Breaks sacred cows

Are there**** myths and beliefs that are immune from criticism or question? Does your content prove

these wrong?

METHOD 2: DO MORE OF WHAT’S WORKING FOR YOU

Make sure you have Google Analytics installed for this step.

If you don’t have Google Analytics yet, get the free plug-in Google Analytics Dashboard for WP. This plug-in automatically adds the tracking code to all the pages on your site.

Then go to Google Analytics and sign up for a free account.

Look at your Google Analytics account to find your

strong/strong>

• Top Posts

Go to Behavior > Site Content > All Pages.

Look at your top ten posts.

• Bounce rate

Go to Behavior > Site Content > Landing Pages.

Look for posts with a low bounce rate. Your readers are staying on these posts for a longer period of time.

Look at your Pinterest Analytics

Click on Analytics > Overview > Top Pins > Links

clicks. Identify the posts with the higher click-through rates.

METHOD 3: CREATE CONTENT FOR ALL LEVELS OF YOUR READERS

Everyone who comes to your site is at a different place in the journey.

Some may be aware of the problem your service or product solves. Some be actively shopping for a solution. Others may be at the very beginning and have no idea that they even have a problem to

solve in the first place.

Depending on the stage your reader is at, they require different pieces of content to move them from one stage to another.

To effectively move your readers from one stage to another, answer the following question:

What keeps my audience stuck in this phase and what do they need from me and my content to move forward?

Create different pieces of content to fuel the

reader journey

books The One Hour Content Plan and The Profitable Content System.

Yoast defines cornerstone content as the core of

your website. “It consists of the best, most important articles on your site; the pages or posts you want to rank highest in the search engines.”14

ideal topic for a cornerstone content piece is something that people are commonly searching for, without

getting satisfying results.”15

The content pieces that you want to tackle are those that

• Raise your brand awareness

• Establish authority and trust

• Feed your funnel (helping you build an email list

for example)

Minimum Viable Content Plan (MVCP). These

Two how-to or list posts on a pressing question the competition has failed to address.
(Authority post showcasing your expertise

One polarizing or opinion post; e.g., X things you should never believe about…Why this is flawed

What they don’t ever tell you about…
(Authority post showcasing your expertise)

Note: This post can quickly come across as a rant if you don’t have the credibility or authority to show for it yet. That doesn’t mean you have to shy away from writing opinionated posts

just means that you need to show examples and substantiate your content with third-party sources such as reputable articles and quotes from authoritative sources.

HOW TO OUTLINE YOUR POSTS

1. DETERMINE THE PURPOSE OF THE POST

Always determine how each piece of content is going to fit into your entire blog and business. Ask yourself what’s the goal of the post.

What do you want each post to do?

When you write with the end in mind, you know what you want the post to do for you. You measure what that post is meant to do based on the tangible and intangible goals you set beforehand.

A tangible goal

• Drive opt-ins to gauge interest for a product.

• Get opt-ins and then lead them down a sequence to a paid product.

• Make an affiliate commission.

• Pitch a sponsored post.

Educate your reader (how-tos

An intangible goal

• Position yourself as an expert or thought leader.

• Network with influencers (through a roundup post).

• Empower your readers (e.g., motivational

pieces, income reports).

• Entertain with personal stories.

The goal of your content needs to center on action.

IDENTIFY THE MAIN PAIN POINT

Pain always triumphs benefit. So always lead with the pain your audience is facing.

What pain point are you hitting at in the post? Knowing this will help you with writing the introduction and conclusion of your posts. It will also make it easy for your audience to identify

with and relate to your post

at least once a week or once every two weeks.

grow your email list while your blog

is still a work in progress. This is what I refer to as Minimum Viable Email Marketing (MVEM).

Your MVEM consists of the following:

• One opt-in incentive or lead magnet

• One landing page for your main opt-in incentive

or lead magnet

• Opt-in forms on three top posts
Check your Google Analytics to find out what these are. Head to Behavior > Site Content > All Pages.

One thank you page where you will direct new

subscribers to click confirm that they do indeed want to subscribe to get your opt-in incentive

One top bar/exit intent pop-up/slide-in to capture traffic

• One welcome email that covers the 3Cs

- Credibility

Who are you? Why should they trust you or listen to you? What logos, features, special life incidents, beliefs, or viewpoints will build up your credibility?

- Context

Why is what you’re talking about important

now?

- Continuity
How can you create an open loop that keeps them looking forward to your next email? The postscript or P.S. is the best place to tease your next email in your nurture series or nurture

funnel.

• Three emails in your nurture funnel
One myth or mistake email

The easiest way to get someone to trust you is to break a widely held myth or share something that gives them an “aha” or light

bulb moment.

- What breaks your heart or makes you cringe in your industry/niche?

What do your ideal readers believe that they shouldn’t?

- What’s the biggest excuse they make?

- Identify the sacred cows and then break them.

One quick win/hack email

- Answer a question that your ideal reader has or a question widely asked in your niche. Offer a quick hack; e.g., How to grow my email list, How to find my niche, How to set up

WordPress, etc.

One email about your struggle

Let’s discuss the elements in the MVEM in this chapter.

I picked ConvertKit vs. Mailchimp21

pick a provider that’s not only within your budget but one that’s able to grow with your business and that has features and tools to deliver what you have in mind for your business plans.

The easiest way to grow your email list is to offer an opt-in incentive or lead magnet

examples

Swipe files

• Tool kits

• How-to guides

• Exclusive access to membership/Facebook groups

• Test/Quiz/Assessment

Webinar (prerecorded or live)

• Cheat sheets

• Bite-sized email series

• Free assessment

• Free consult

• Coupons

Loyalty program

Think of your blog purpose statement as well as the content categories you have decided on. What incentive addresses a pain point of your audience and is closely aligned with the purpose of your

blog?

opt-in incentive has to act as a primer for a related product or service that you have to offer.

think about the problems that you want to solve for your audience. What do you

want to inspire, help, or educate them about?

In what categories and areas do you see yourself creating products or services

best opt-in incentives are quick to consume. They provide instant gratification and your

audience should be able to immediately identify with the pain point that the incentive helps solve. You

do not need to create a massive guide to get subscribers.

PROMOTE YOUR OPT-IN INCENTIVE

If you’re going on a podcast or are guest posting, share a link to a landing page

Always write descriptions for your opt-in incentives and share them where appropriate

how to construct an attractive description

Write from the perspective of the reader in a conversational tone.

Have a call to action.

Use one of these starters:

- Have you ever been in a situation…?

- Imagine…

- Are you struggling with…?

- Ever wonder how…?

- Do you ask yourself…?

- Did you ever notice that…?

Insert starter and pain point.

2. In this [what’s your opt-in?], I share [what’s in your freebie].

3. With [state the name of your opt-in], you’ll [state the benefits]. Get it here!

4. Insert LINK.

http://meerakothand.com/send-email-list/

PREPARE YOUR SITE TO CAPTURE TRAFFIC

Don’t be afraid of placing too many opt-in forms on your site. People are so used to seeing opt-in forms that they skim right past them

If they’ve scrolled to the end of a post and enjoyed it and they don’t see an opt-in form there, most people are unlikely to take the trouble to scroll up to find one.

Add opt-in forms to your most popular posts and

one top bar or exit intent pop-up to grab their attention.

HOW TO CRAFT YOUR OPT-IN FORMS AND LANDING PAGES

determine what change your opt-in incentive gives your subscriber.

Less organized to more organized

• Anxious to calm and happy

• Struggling to get traffic to plentiful page views and subscribers

Then use the following formula on your opt-in form:

“YES! SEND ME [NAME OF OPT-IN] SO THAT

BENEFIT].” OR “[PROBLEM?] Get my [SOLUTION] and [RESULT].

Then list down everything that your opt-in covers in bullet points.

here are a few ways you can present your bullet points:

■ Add intrigue by hinting at a secret or a myth

■ Give a warning.

■ Add an “even if” statement.

■ Specify a branded technique.

Another way to capture traffic is via a landing page. And the conversion rate of a landing page is a lot higher than that of an opt-in form.

formula

landing page

PROBLEM?] Get my [SOLUTION] and

RESULT].”

WRITE YOUR WELCOME EMAIL + WELCOME EMAIL SERIES

forty-eight hours after a subscriber opts-in is when they are most engaged with your brand?

have a look at the open rates for your welcome email.

opportunity to make a great first impression and start cultivating a relationship with your subscribers on the right note.

what your welcome email should address:

Deliver your opt-in incentive.

Share some social proof in the form of testimonials or links to places you’ve been featured.

• State why are you the best person to inspire, educate, or teach your subscriber about the

topic and why the topic is important.

• Open a conversation loop. Ask them a specific question that will enable you to peek directly into what your subscriber needs.

series of 3–5 emails in a welcome email series on top of your single welcome email.

Each email builds off the other to help reinforce your brand and get them acquainted with your best content, what you have to offer, and why

you’re the best person to help them.

You can set these emails in a sequence to go out on auto whenever a person signs up to your list.

masterclass here: https://meera.email/gold

home page

recommend focusing on the first one-third of your screen

having an image or hero shot in that space with a statement that calls out your audience and states how you help them.

People need to land on your site and know within five seconds if your site’s for them.

having a call to action or

invitation to subscribe embedded within the header or right below the header as well social proof indicators.

Social proof indicators can be one of the following:

• Testimonials

• Press mentions or “as seen in” logos

Customer stories

• Awards and accolades

• Numbers (satisfied customers, rankings, subscribers, followers, etc.)

• Reviews and ratings

have this header featured prominently in the top one-third of every page on your site.

other elements

Call to action

Before you craft your home page, think about all the people likely to visit your site. What problems are they trying to solve and what are the different needs these visitors will have? What offers or incentives (paid or free) would you want to feature?

home page can feature a prominent call to action

can also have additional buttons and links that are useful to your reader and present your body of work

When in doubt, remember that your aim should be to get people onto your email list

rather than feature all your products and services, let the focus be on getting someone onto your email list

from there you can carve out a pathway (i.e., sequence of emails) to get their eyeballs on your products and services.

Less is more when it comes to your site menu or navigation

When your site’s new, you do not need to feature your blog categories. An overloaded menu will clutter your site and cause confusion for your site visitors

suggested navigation menu

Start here/About me

Contact

• Work with me

• Shop

• Resources

• Link to main content channel (i.e., podcast, blog, YouTube channel)

Hero shot / Your first one-third

o Hook/Headline addressing their pain point and struggle

o How you can help them

o Why they should trust you

An image of you aligned with your brand attributes

A fabulous about page

creates trust

• establishes your credibility

• builds rapport

• injects your personality

most stellar about pages have five or more of the seven elements below

Use YOU and WE instead of I

you should make your reader or customer the focus of your about page

Write as if you’re talking to a friend and acknowledging his/her worries

Tell them what you help with

What is your website about? Who is it for and how does it help them?

The simple plug-and-play exercise below can help you be clear about who you are serving.

div markdown=“1”> I help__________ (parents/small business

/div>

owners/women/photographers) to___________ (explain the benefit they’ll get through your website).

This blog/website is for________ (your target audience).

am a _______ (entrepreneur/writer/blogger/freelancer).

This blog/website is for________ (your target audience).

You may be afraid of alienating certain groups of people, but your blog or business is not for everyone.

And that’s how it should be.

You’d rather attract one hundred raving fans who get what your brand and message is about than

one thousand people who lurk around and show no engagement

Show them you understand their pain points

What’s troubling them?

What are their motivations or aspirations?

By doing this, you’re establishing trust, and you’re telling your reader that you understand them.

examples.

Have you ever said

- I wish I could quit, but I need to pay the bills.

- I need more time for myself, but I have so much to do.

- I want a support group that doesn’t judge me.

Are you

Dreading the thought of another meeting? /

- Dreaming of the weekend every single workday? Tired of the long hours with little appreciation?

Create connection with THE story

Your readers want to buy into YOUR story.

Maybe you’re a few steps ahead of your readers.

Maybe you’re several steps ahead. They want to know that they can get there—to the place where you’re already at.

You want them to think: If she can do it. I think I can.

You’re selling them your story and the possibility of a journey.

The same works if you’re a business

What meaning does your business or product convey? What story are they buying into with your product?

Dig into your why

Find a core message that ties your products together and create a story around your struggle.

Give them a reason to listen to you

the little white space—your mini wall of fame where you list your achievements and establish credibility.

Where has your work been featured?

o How many companies have you worked with?

o How many websites have you designed?

How many years of experience do you have in the industry?

Be upfront and position yourself as someone who is experiencing the same struggles and looking for a change.

Let them know what to expect

What kind of topics are you writing about?

o Do you have a posting schedule?

o When can they expect to hear from you?

Include ONE call to action

What’s the purpose of your about page?

Is it to get them to look at your store?

If you’re a blogger, is it to get them to sign up for your updates or newsletter?

If you’re running a consulting business or if you’re a coach, is it to get them to set up an appointment with you?

THANK YOU PAGE

Subscribers are most engaged when they first sign up for your list

Here are some elements you can include to make your thank you page work harder for you:

• A picture of you

• Clear instructions on what they should do next

• Your social media links

A request to share your site or freebie

• Links to your best content

• Testimonials from your readers

• A personality (the most important thing!)

What goals are important to you?

- Adding credibility?

- Increasing your following on Instagram?

Promoting your opt-in freebie or lead magnet?

add 2–3 elements at most on your thank you page

LAUNCH PLAN A

You launch with a landing page, an opt-in incentive, a thank you page, and a welcome email series/nurture sequence.

Use social media posts to build hype surrounding your launch and your opt-in incentive

what you need to start with Plan A:

One main traffic source

• One landing page

• One opt-in incentive

• A Welcome email

• At least three emails in a welcome email series

• A thank you page for subscribers

• A snippet/description of your opt-in incentive to

promote on your chosen traffic source

LAUNCH PLAN B

Three pages

- An about me page

- A contact me page using a free plug-in

- Home page

Three posts from your Minimum Viable Content Plan. Refer back to chapter 9 for this

Your Minimum Viable Email Marketing Plan. Refer back to chapter 10 for this

Done is better than perfect

spend the time creating posts or content for other sites via guest posting or podcasts so that your brand builds credibility and authority

But how do you monetize your blog? What will make it a business?

blanket statements like “A membership site is for everyone” or “There’s a course in everyone” are dangerous statements.

Why?

first, they don’t consider your zone of

genius. Second, they don’t consider the stage of growth your business is in.

Play to your strengths and do more of what's working for you even if that may not seem like the fastest way of growing your business

when you operate in your zone of genius, you attract your ideal customers. You serve them better and start to get known for the work you do.

table below outlines different revenue streams you can incorporate into your business

your first product does not, and dare I say should not, be a premium course, especially if you’re new to marketing and selling, and if you’ve just started to grow your audience

You can and should add a digital product. But start with a small digital product

underestimated the time and resources that go into creating a modulated course

A lower-priced item that would give

people a smaller win

you’ll feel more confident when you get a small product out fast

Your first goal should be to give your audience a taste of your paid content

once they get a taste and they enjoy it, the chance of them coming back to buy more increases

Your first milestone should be to hit that $1K

You will hit your $1K faster if you have an email list from Day 1 and you take efforts to nurture that list.

THE 2M+1 SYSTEM TO BUILD YOUR BUSINESS MODEL

based on having two main

sources of blog income and one supplementary source rather than just relying on one income stream.

example

One tripwire

One small product

• Affiliate marketing

Now my model looks like this:

• Self-publishing

• Membership site

Premium course

• Tripwires

• Affiliate marketing

As your business grows, you can diversify your income streams further.

The quickest way to monetize your blog is

to offer a service

if you love working with people one-on-one.

highly recommend creating a small product or tripwire

book Your First

100

A tripwire is a small-ticket item that you offer your subscriber as soon as they subscribe or early on in your email sequence

The idea isn’t to profit from that product but to quickly turn a subscriber into a buyer

Because people are more likely to

open their wallets and purses for you a second time if they’ve already crossed that first sale hurdle

CREATING A SMALL PRODUCT OR TRIPWIRE

In the 90-day task list that you’ll find in your bonus PDF, I’ve suggested preparing for your first small digital product at the end of 3–6 months

two signs that you are

indeed ready to create a small product or tripwire.

• You’re bringing in a consistent number of subscribers every day (no matter what this number is).

You’re getting engagement from your subscribers via your welcome email

series/nurture sequence (this is a sign that your audience are resonating with your content).

Here

are different product types that are valuable and that people will pay for:

• Templates

Printables

• Spreadsheets

• E-books

• Masterclasses

• Workbooks

• Minicourses (with 2–3 videos

Live workshops

• Mock-ups

• Tools/System guides

Clues to what your first product should be:

1. Is there an opt-in incentive that’s converting

well for you?

If yes, create an accompanying product to that opt-in incentive. Have a look at this diagram.

Your first product has to sit right after the opt-in that you created. All email content that you’re creating should nudge the people who opted in toward that product or service.

Are you known for a particular topic or do people come to you asking questions about a

particular topic?

Is there a certain category of posts that gets you the most amount of traffic?

Go back to the earlier question I asked: what do you want to be known for?

Do you want to be a part of the conversation in a particular space?

Before you create a single worksheet or slide deck for your product, do some validation.

You need to find out if there is a need for this product in the market or in your niche.

One question I always get is…

should I run surveys and ask my audience what they want?

Do your audience really know what they want?

No, they don’t.

This is why I don’t recommend running surveys

One of Henry Ford’s famous quotes was “If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.”

Instead of forcing your audience to discuss solutions that they don’t yet appreciate or fully

recognize, get them to discuss problems or symptoms they have

how then can you test the viability of a product? How do you know if this is something people will buy

Look at the market. A market consists of a group of products with similar characteristics

Scan the market for the existence of other similar offers. This shows you that there's a need—that people are looking for ways to solve this problem

How searched for is the problem that your offer solves?

tool I’m loving right now is Keywords Everywhere

Are there popular articles on BuzzSumo?

Are there existing courses on Udemy or courses

created by other players in your niche?

a few things to look out for when you’re doing your market research:

• Hook

Look for the hook that other product creators

have used

Your hook is the promise of the product. In many cases, the hook is a mixture of promise + timeline.

What exactly are they helping students achieve and how do they promise to help them achieve that?

Testimonials

– What are students saying? You want to look for gaps in the market for what people want and have not received and how you can fill in with your product.

• Benefits

Features

• Bonuses

• Results

• Price point

if you can’t answer why someone

should buy your product over someone else’s, then no one can.

Once you have certain ideas for the type of product you want to create and you’ve validated them, write targeted blog posts that show your expertise on the topic. You want your readers to

associate you with the topic of the product

establish your authority and expertise in it so that readers trust your views and teachings with regard to that topic.

Don’t wait to monetize your site

if you’re spending more time than you’re comfortable with, if you’re expending more energy than is worth what you’re getting back, that’s a revenue stream you should consider getting rid of.

Marketing isn’t just about selling or promotion. It’s also about attracting and capturing your ideal customers.

marketing is made up of these four

activities: Attract – Capture – Engage – Convert

six parts:

• Identify your target audience.

• Attract them to your site.

• Capture your target audience.

Nurture that target audience.

• Convert them to buyers.

• Turn them into brand advocates or repeat customers.

When there are gaps in your marketing system

gaps in any one of these six areas—your business

will often experience feast and famine cycles

Have a look at the table below

Stranger They haven’t heard of you before at all. They probably clicked onto your site from seeing a pin image on Pinterest, a Facebook post that a friend of theirs shared, or a

tweet on their Twitter feed.

Reader

They have some form of brand recognition. They’ve heard of you before via a podcast or have seen your guest post on a site they frequent. A friend of theirs has

been raving about you. They’ve clicked through to your site to read your content

Subscriber

They are new to your list. They visit your site likely from a link in your welcome email series. They

may have read something intriguing in your email sequence and wanted to have a look at your blog, YouTube channel, or other content platforms

Engaged

subscriber

Heard of a brand crush? That’s

what these people have on you. They adore your style. Most of them cannot wait to get their hands on your paid products if they haven’t already

Customer

& brand advocate

These are people who are

attuned to your style. They’ve likely bought from you before—possibly more than once

Your business needs to make an effort to

1. Get more people on the front end. This is how you continuously fill your sales pipeline with leads or potential customers. You do this by having a system where you attract people to your site with your content

You ensure your site is optimized, and you have relevant opt-in forms and landing

pages especially at the “hot spots” your audience frequent.

2. Nurture new subscribers so that they become engaged subscribers and customers

to the next

with your content. The further down people are, the better it is for your business.

focus on what you need for your current stage of growth.

these rules guide you

Will it make a direct impact on your business for your current stage of growth? Will this move the needle for your blog + businessstrongright now//strong>?

Is there a particular skill you need to acquire to move forward?

Will you get back your ROI?

Is there a deal or special discount?

LIST OF THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT WORRY ABOUT IN THE FIRST 6 MONTHS

Creating a tag line

• Repurposing your content

• Getting a branded photoshoot

• Printing business cards (especially if you don’t have a local physical presence)

Purchasing a designer logo (a simple font-based logo will do)

• Segmenting your email list

• Doing video

Purchasing expensive tech and tools

LIST OF THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO

ASK FOR COMMENTS OR FEEDBACK ON YOUR OPT-IN INCENTIVE OR LOGO OR

PRODUCT IDEA IN RANDOM FACEBOOK GROUPS.

Mine for what your audience is looking for. What are they saying? What are their thoughts and pain points?

BRANCH OUT TO MULTIPLE PLATFORMS WITHIN THE FIRST YEAR

But be very clear on the goals you have for that platform. Why are you on a platform? What’s your main goal? Ad revenue? Subscribers? Reach

Brand awareness?

COMPARE YOUR START TO SOMEONE ELSE’S MIDDLE

HOW TO 10× YOUR PRODUCTIVITY

BATCH

When you mix too many different types of tasks per day, you’re not productive.

I talk about this more in The Profitable Content System. Or

PICK A FEW GOALS

Pick 1–3 goals a quarter depending on how ambitious you are.

Here are some blogging goals:

• Build authority and credibility.

• Connect with influencers.

• Nurture and build trust with subscribers.

• Increase page views.

here’s what you can influence:

• Create a specific lead magnet aligned with each post you write.

• Pitch one site a week to guest post on.

• Focus on building one social media platform where your target audience hangs out.

Run a paid ad campaign

By focusing on actions you can directly influence, you won’t be tied down to metrics or statistics. You will also work toward tasks that you can directly impact

ENGAGE IN SPRINTS

concentrate on only one activity over a short period of time

things that benefit from the sprint technique:

• Creating a lead magnet or e-book

• Working on a short email course

Crafting your launch marketing emails

• Writing a guest post and submitting a pitch

AVOID DECISION FATIGUE

You only have a couple of hours and you don’t want to spend that time debating what to do.

There are only two types of tasks you can do:

• Tasks that grow your blog

• Tasks that maintain your blog

Blog growth tasks are

Creating content

• Research for product creation

• Creating products

• Writing blog posts

• Engaging with your audience

• Networking with influencers

Marketing

Maintenance tasks are

• Website and theme updates

• Website and visual design

• Social media scheduling

Bookkeeping

• Brand audit

You do one task from one category each day

CREATE AN EDITORIAL CALENDAR AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

ome ideas to plan your content

• Have themed Months. Take your readers

through a topic for the entire month

Lock in launch dates, affiliate sales, events, and holidays that are relevant to your niche. Work your content around these crucial dates

I designed and use the CREATE Blog & Editorial Planner. You can have a look at it here > https://www.createplanner.com/editorial-planner/.

When you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself

What do you need to do right now to make progress?

Consume content that’s aligned only with this

understand the type of selling you’re comfortable with and feel good about. What type of selling will you not engage in? What line won’t/emyou cross no matter what?

once you’re aware of this, you won’t have to second-guess yourself every time you get a

nasty email

Any product you

create needs a few iterations before you get the messaging correct. So don't shelve anything without giving it a chance to work for you

Foundation vs. speed. You need the right balance

I define a solid foundation as

a. Having systems in place to capture traffic and turn them into subscribers

b. Having a system to nurture subscribers and convert them to buyers

c. Having an idea of what the different content

platforms (email/blogging/vlogging) mean for you and how they are distinct from one another

Authority is your audience knowing they can trust you.

If you read the same ole blogs that your target audience are reading, how will you make new connections to the content out there? How will you enrich your audience with a different

perspective?

find new sources to read. Find those that are out of your target audience’s content circle

Then form new content connections that you can share with your audience. Break existing beliefs and myths (or sacred cows as they call it) and bring

them to light. That's the quickest way to build authority and trust.

Always reflect back on whether your vision still serves you

Is the vision you have what you want or what people say it should be

Is your business at odds with your vision for your life?

The Power of Positive Dog Training (9/10)

This book is a no BS guide to dog training without being a jerk. Any dog can be training with progressive reinforcement techniques. The author even explains why aversive training not only doesn’t work, but it makes problems sprout up in other areas of your dogs life.

Loaded with how-to’s on all of the basic things you should treat your dogs and dealing with common problems.

Summary and Highlights

All living things repeat behaviors that are rewarding and avoid behaviors that are not.

You don’t need to punish dog to make behavior not rewarding. Instead, figure out how to make the right behavior rewarding enough.

Reward behaviors you want. Ignore or prevent behaviors that you don’t want.

Teach him the English words for those behaviors and make them very rewarding and fun.

Dogs can only learn one behavior for any particular cue. Agree on which cues will be used for which behaviors and be consistent.

Think in terms of what you want your dog to do, not what you want him not to do.

Prevent your dog from being rewarded for behaviors that you don’t want. Reward consistently and generously for behaviors that you do want.

Training Cues

Oops: The behavior you are doing will not earn you a reward, no reward marker, use sparingly.

Relax: Lie flat on your side.

Sit: From whatever position you are in

Stand: Stand still on all four legs.

Stay: Don’t move from the position I left you in until I release you.

Take: Take food or object into your mouth (beginning of teaching dog to retrieve).

Touch: Touch your nose to designated target.

Wait: Pause, stop moving until I leave or release you.

Negative reinforcement (bad)

Dog’s behavior makes a bad thing go away.

Operant conditioning

Subject can manipulate it’s environment by his behavior. Choosing behaviors that are either rewarded or punished

Positive punishment (bad)

The dog’s behavior makes something undesirable happen, and a behavior decreases as a result. Can cause aggression and fear. Does not provide dog enough information to act.

Positive reinforcement

Dog’s behavior makes something desirable happen. As a result, behavior is likely to increase.

Negative punishment

The dog’s behavior makes something desirable go away and the behavior is likely to decrease as a result. (Turn and walk away)

Negative reinforcement

The dog’s behavior makes something undesirable go away. The behavior is likely to increase.

Benefits of positive reinforcement

Get dogs to voluntarily offer behaviors we want without force. Can phase out use of food as reward when behavior is solid enough. A dog is NEVER 100% reliable.

Negative attention is still attention

Instead of physically punishing, ignore dog by not making eye contact, not speaking to him, and turning your back on him until he does something good like sits, then reward with treats and attention.

You have to intervene when behavior is dangerous until they are better trained.

If they find something more rewarding then they will not answer you.

Reward with petting, praise, playing with a toy, making eye contact, opening the door, or throwing the ball.

Write down vocab list and post on the fridge for everyone to use.

They don’t know between right and wrong

Dogs are masters at reading body language

When your dog makes a mistake, instead of saying “No, bad dog!” Say “oops” then show her the right way to do it.

Body Language

Be consistent with your body movements.

Dogs can learn to tolerate or love threatening behavior.

Teach kids not to hug dogs they do not know and not to stare in their eyes.

Teach your dog to love having his collar grabbed.

Teach your dog to love eye contact.

Move away rather than towards your dog if you want them to come.

Dogs see as a threat:

• Eye contact
• Loud, firm, angry vocalizations
• Reaching over head (Grab collar under the chin for safety)
• Primate hovering

Body Blocking

Taking up space to prevent your dog from doing so.

Once you get good at it you can simply lean forward with your intent to occupy the space.

Not good for dogs the resource guard

Calming Signals

Deference behaviors help keep the peace in a pack (canines are better described as deference hierarchies rather than dominance hierarchies)

Moderate behaviors in each of these categories are safer than extreme versions of these behaviors on either side.

Appeasement (active submission)

Increased activity and diminished posture.

Wants attention

• Nuzzling (use negative punishment to stop)
• Licking (negative punishment or install incompatible behavior approach with toy)
• Jumping up (negative punishment or install incompatible behavior sit or down)
• Pawing motions (put on cue or replace with incompatible behavior four on floor)
• Smiling
• Teeth clacking (ignore or put on cue)
• Crouching (ignore or reinforce dog approaching taller)
• Pretzeling (put on cue)
• Play-bows (put on cue)
• Excitement urination
• Ears pulled back
• Tail wagging

Deference (passive submission)

Decreased activity and lowered body posture.

Wants attention to go away

• Ears pressed flat against head
• Tail tucked
• Freezing
• Avoiding eye contact
• Urination
• Lowered body posture or belly up

Displacement

Behaviors performed in an effort to resolve an internal stress conflict.

• Blinking
• Chattering teeth
• Nose licking
• Scratching
• Shaking off when not wet
• Yawning
• Drooling/ foaming
• Excessive grooming
• Hyperactivity
• Immune system disorders
• Lack of focus
• Leaning/clinging
• Lips pulled back
• Lowered body posture
• Mouthing
• Obsessive compulsive disorders
• Panting
• Hair raised on back of neck
• Stiff movement
• Stretching
• Sweaty paws
• Trembling
• Whining

Stress signs

• Anorexia
• Appeasement/ deference signals
• Avoidance
• Brow ridges
• Digestive disturbances

Threat (dominance) displays

Children do not recognize threat signals.

• Barking
• Freezing
• Growling
• Hard stare
• Lips pulled forward
• Nose bumping
• Snapping
• Snarling

Training Equipment

Motivators, reward markers, collars, and leashes

Motivators (rewards)

Food

Lower value treats at home.

• Dinner kibble

Train before meal.

Higher value reward in more distracting environment.

• Hot dog
• Frozen liver

Life Rewards

Use when dog has learned a trick well

• Toys
• Play
• Petting
• Praise
• Chase ball
• Walk
• Car ride
• Play with dog pals

Reward Markers

Every time you click or say yes the dog should get a treat.

Click is always food treat.

Verbal can be treat or life reward.

Behaviors are marked the instant they happen (at least within one second).

Clicker

Used to immediately signal to the dog he has done something good.

Train new behaviors with an actual clicker. You can use a badge reel to keep it on you.

Verbal marker

One syllable word such as “Yes!” Uttered once per reward.

Collars

If dog slips collar:

Limited-slip collar (martingale or greyhound collar)

Harness

Can encourage dog to pull. But can also be used to put pulling on cue.

Easy walking Harness

• Easy-walk
• Sense-ation
• Sense-ible
• K9 freedom harness

No:

• Choke chains
• Prong collars

Leashes

• 6 foot leash
• No roll up leashes

Management tools

Used for preventing unwanted behaviors before they happen.

Crates

• Never a place for punishment
• Give lots of treats in crate
• Put on cue
• Toss treats in crate when you aren’t training
• Feed meals in crate with the door open
• Reward for being quiet in crate after fushing

Tethers

• 3–6 ft plastic coated cable
• Used to keep dog in a spot when teaching manners
• Should be set up with a soft bed and chew toys
• Should be pleasant

Baby Gates

• To keep dog out of restricted areas.

Exercise Pen

• When they have to be left alone all day.
• Train them to love the pen before you leave.

Head Halter

• Negative reinforcement.
• Can suppress behavior making training challenging.

Behaviors

Offered Behaviors

Capturing

When a dog offers the complete, perfected behavior that you are trying to train all on their own, the behavior is captured.

Shaping

Break down trick into small steps. Click and reward at each step.

Elicited Behaviors

Imitation

Dogs are more likely to imitate other dogs than humans. Click and treat desired behaviors.

Luring

Using treat or target object to show them how to do the behaviors. This is good to use in combo with shaping.

Should be faded away soon as possible, replace the lure with body language.

Modeling

Physically assisting the dog into position.

Least desirable and effective method. Should be gentle and faded away quickly

Management

Use a tether or crate to keep them away until you can train them otherwise.

Positive Punishment

Use positive punishment sparingly (dogs behavior makes bad things happen).

Should work within one or two applications.

No Physical harm such as:

• Shock collars
• Hanging
• Helicoptering
• Hitting

Use NO! for life threatening situations only.

Better to use negative punishment (dogs behavior makes good thing go away) to change an unwelcome behavior.

Basic Training

Truly reliable recall (90% or better) in the face of serious distraction can take years to master.

Have fun, don’t be too serious.

Indoors for new tricks is better than outdoors.

Practice in different environments after they know the behavior.

May need to back up a few steps in a new environment.

Group training classes can give them a good distracting environment to train.

Find dozens of opportunities to let them know the trick happens everywhere.

Will be able to learn new behaviors in distracting environments eventually.

Six Steps for teaching a new behavior

1. Get the behavior by capturing, shaping, or luring.
2. Mark the behavior (click or verbal)
3. Reward the behavior (Treat or life reward)
4. Repeat the behavior until it happens easily at least 80% of the time.
5. Add a verbal cue just before the dog does the behavior
6. Use verbal cue to elicit behavior (After you say the word before the trick half a dozen to 2 dozen times)

How often to train

Several 5–15 minute sessions each day (30–45 minutes per day).

Training session:

• Pick one or two tricks to focus on.
• Start with something they are good at to get them tuned into you.
• If either one or both of you start getting frustrated it’s time for a break
• End session on a positive note by having them do a trick they love.

Jackpot!

For extraordinary efforts. Click and say in an excited tone “Jackpot!” and give extra rewards.

The Clicker

Click must happen the instant the dog is does or is doing the behavior you want to reinforce. Offering the treat is a separate step.

Click and pause — then offer the treat (a second or two).

Eventually the time between click and treat can be lengthened.

No Reward Marker

Tells dog they have not earned a reward for their behavior.

Oops!

Use sparingly, if at all.

Keep it positive.

Leash

Not a handle or a steering wheel.

Restricts access to environmental rewards.

Can stand on it or tie it to your belt.

Must be loose (6 inch valley) unless restricting access to environmental reward.

Week 1: Core Exercises

Charging the Clicker

Muffle sound at first, click and treat several times > unmuffle, click and treat several times.

Do a couple dozen reps.

Don’t click if they are doing a naughty behavior.

Can use tape to muffle if needed then gradually peel back layers of tape over time.

The name game

Say your dogs name, if he looks at you “click” and reward. Don’t say name more than once if he doesn’t look at you.

Make a kissy noise and click and reward if they look at you. You can say name and click and treat even if they are already looking at you.

Family play version

Get everyone with clickers in a circle and take turns saying his name and clicking and treating.

Attention without name version

Put leash on in low distraction environment. Any time he looks at you click and reward. Gradually increase the length of time between clicks.

You can add a “watch me” cue when he keeps his attention focused for several seconds.

After he keeps attention for ten seconds or more, add distractions increasing in difficulty.

The goal is to get them to offer attention during training sessions.

Sit/ Down

Don’t give treat while sitting, lure or shape.

Say good boy when he sits

Puppy Push Ups

Teach sit from down position. Click for each up and down. Eventually can wait a few ups and downs between clicks.

Vary the amount so they never know how much they have to do.

Stand By Me

Get them to stand near you. Let them nibble at treat to get them to stand longer.

Use body movement to get the behavior.

Spin and Twirl

Spin is one way twirl is the other. Use shaping and lures.

Week 2

Come (recall)

Never punish dog for coming to you. Stay positive, do not use intimidation, punishment or anger.

Say in happy upbeat tone and make sure good things always happen when the dog arrives.

If you leave the dog park when she comes you are punishing her.

Bounce a ball or squeek a toy. Run away and get her to chase you Or gently grab her collar.

Try come with all family members round robin style.

Gradually add distractions indoors — cat crossing the room, bouncing a ball, knock on the door, etc.

Come and sit is better than come and jump up.

If they do not come outdoors, attach a 30 foot Nylon cord to make them easier to retrieve. Grab cord and use come then reward. Don’t drag.

Touch

Touch or target — teaching dog to touch a target with nose on cue. Can use if they don’t respond to come.

Useful to teaching dog to ring bell, close doors, go bowling, play soccer, turn on the tv, agility obstacles, etc.

Target can replace food as a lure. Start using hand as target cause dog likes to sniff hands. Move hand around after they get it at nose level. Then you can teach it to a different target object.

Can use as a tool for cueing behaviors that you can’t reach with your hand.

Hold treat and clicker behind back if it is distracting. Can drop treats on the ground or keep treats in a bowl on a nearby shelf

No Jumping Zone

Whole family has to agree not to reward her for jumping up.

Teach them to sit for attention. Wait for your dog to sit without being asked.

On-leash jump with strangers

Have stranger approach with treat at chest height, click when dog sits then treat.

If dog jumps up for treat have the stranger pull treat away and cheerfully say “oops!”.

Repeat with many people.

The On-Leash Jump with You

Attach tether to stable object. Approach dog from ten feet away. Only approach while dog is sitting, stop when dog jumps up.

You aren’t asking for them to sit, you want them to offer sit on their own. Then you can click when you reach dog and they are still sitting.

Try backing up a step when they get up.

Off-Leash Jump

As you walk in the front door, turn away and step away if dog jumps. Once they sit, click, treat, and pet. If they start to jump up again, turn and step away.

Behavior Chain

A series of behaviors that get chained together because dog thinks reward is dependent on all of the behaviors not just the last one.

They might learn chain behavior of jump up, sit, reward.

Cure: look for times they sit without jumping up.

Don’t ignore your dog when they are doing good.

Asking for an incompatible Behavior

Say sit or down before they have a chance to jump up and click reward. This only works if they immediately respond to the replacement command.

If you have to repeat the cue several times with Rambo jumping up on you then you are rewarding them with attention for jumping and teaching them to ignore your commands.

Let’s Walk

When you tolerate pulling, your dog learns that pulling gets them where they want to go. If you want to get fancy, you can teach your dog different cues for walking in different positions.

For now, think of walks as training games rather than to get to a destination or exercise.

Keep sessions short at first.

Drive them to off leash play areas or other destinations until they get good at walking. And practice after they have burned off some excess energy.

Hang out and walk around for a bit, every time your dog is walking near you, click and treat.

Use verbal “let’s walk” cue once they get the hang of it.

Gradually increase distractions

Turn back on them if they get crazy.

Can use oops cue.

Pick back up if they sit calmly.

Take thrill out of they leash by picking it up randomly throughout the day.

For outside bring megasupply of treats and clicker.

Stand and wait if they hit the end of their leash.

Click anytime the leash is loose.

Change directions for more loose leash opportunities.

Do not jerk the leash.

Do not let them get environmental rewards for pulling.

Let them earn environmental rewards with Cue “go sniff!”

Can use touch command to show them what to do.

Use front-clip no-pull harness for dog that drags.

If they pull back on treat shape them forward with clicks.

Don’t let them get rewarded for stopping.

Use high value treat for outdoors save that treat for only outdoors.

Remember to back up a few steps if you get derailed.

Sit on a bench for an hour with treats to desensitize them to being outdoors.

Shake

Try shaping, luring, or molding.

Lefty/Righty

Add left and right verbal cue for each paw.

High Five

Click any touch of their paw to your palm and shape more vigorous responses.

Wave

Hand signal — palm up and wiggle your fingers.

Get them frustrated with no click until they jerk their hand higher, click and reward.

Tether Time out

Use tether if dog is out of control.

Only use leash as tether if dog won’t chew on it.

Watch them while tethered so they don’t learn chew on tether.

Put comfortable rug or bed and chew toys at tether spots.

When they get out of control say “too bad Luke, time out” and a few minutes on tether.

Can pre-tether if you know they are going to flip out in a certain situation to prevent it from happening.

Ignore barking or whining.

Only release when calm and quiet so they don’t learn that fussing gets them released.

Must release them when they settle so they know that being calm earns freedom.

You can do another timeout right after if they rev up again.

This is a cheerful interlude, not a forceful punishment.

Week 3

Wait

“Pause for a moment or two- don’t follow me”

Reminder for your dog to defer to you

Teach manners by letting you go through doors first.

Can use to pause them from chasing your cat.

Can use to keep them from going to far ahead on off leash walks.

Let him offer a sit at the door then say “wait”.

Can use palm facing him wait signal.

Gradually open the door and clicking and treating each increment.

If he gets up, say “oops!” and have him sit again.

Letting them out the door or playing in the yard can be a life reward for this.

Try this on front door, car, outside, etc.

Move back steps in the process if you lose progress.

Take It!

Almost as easy as charging the clicker.

Say take it with a treat in your hand, click when the they take the treat.

Repeat several times.

Hold treat different places (between your legs, get creative)

Try with a toy, get him excited about it and say cue when you know he is going to take it.

It’s okay if they drop it after you give them treat. Hold is a later trick.

When he is easily taking the toy from your hand try throwing it on the floor when you say take it, click and treat when he picks it up.

Gradually increase distance that you toss the toy (racing across the yard to take a toy).

Keep take sessions short. Stop before they get tired or bored.

Vary the item you ask them to take.

Start delaying the click for holds.

Practice when they are full of energy and want to play if they will only take treats.

Try high value toys (that have treats in or on them).

Leave it!

“Whatever you are looking at, I want you to leave it alone”

Hide high value treat under your foot or hand, click when they leave it alone.

Increase the time they have to be turned away and the click.

Click and treat several times for staying away from the forbidden object.

Hide the object if they go for it again.

When you move far from treat be prepared to dive an body block.

Ring Bell

You can use touch to roll a ball, close a door, turn on a tv, ring bell to let you know he has to go out.

Attach a bell to a string.

Hold bell in hand and ask dog to touch.

After a few reps add verbal cue to ring it.

Hold bell so they will touch it even if they are aiming for your hand.

Move hand further and further up the string and away from the bell.

Start moving the bell around to have him ring in different locations.

Can shape them to touch bell harder by only clicking harder and harder touches.

Condition to ring bell to go outside.

Can treat for potty if you only want him to use bell for potty.

Sit pretty

Often called sit up or beg.

Start with dog sitting and facing you.

Hold treat over nose so they have to stretch their head up to sniff it.

Click and reward as paws come up high and higher.

Add verbal cue after the full sit up.

Add cue then lure the sit up and fade away the lure.

Can put this on a raise the index finger cue.

Jumping

Use “hugs” or similar cue.

Only gets reward if he is invited to jump up so he doesn’t get rewards for jumping uninvited.

Week 4

Go to Your Spot

Place to send them to take a break from their undying devotion.

Place they go at dinner time.

Can bring to have them settle at a public place.

Can use doorbell as cue to go lay down in spot.

“go to spot and lie down”

Use shaping and click when they move toward spot.

Shaping will help her learn how to learn herself.

Can help by looking at the spot they will look where you look.

Hide clicker and treats.

Can also lure by saying “place” and learning them to their spot.

After they get it start asking for a down at the spot in place of sit.

Ask them to wait so they don’t jump up as soon as they get there.

Reward occasionally for just lying on the spot.

Gradually move farther and farther from place.

Can bait the rug by putting treats on it.

Relax

Relax position for several seconds or more.

Can use tummy rub or massage as life reward.

Lure or shape.

Stay

“Stay in the position I left you until I tell you to get up”

Three Elements to stay:

Duration — How long dog stays.

Distraction — Realiability.

Distance — Distance you can move away from dog.

Work on duration and distraction first.

Do not ask for too much too soon.

Ask them to sit for one second, click and treat and be calm so they don’t jump up.

Use release word to encourage dog to get up.

Don’t click the release cause you are training the stay behavior.

Starts adding several seconds then the “stay” cue.

Slowy increase seconds in stay.

Click and reward during the stay several times.

Keep reminding them with more “stay” cues.

Release before dog decides to move on their own.

Wisk treat behind back if dog gets up (negative punishment).

Process for “down” stay is the same.

Gradually fade the treat away from in front of them.

After they stay for 10–20 seconds add distractions.

Step to side click release, jump on one foot click release!

Taking it gradually is the key here.

Then add distance.

Teach them that stay is never over until you return to them.

At higher levels you can call from stay 1 out of 10 times.

After distance is mastered start combining the 3 elements.

Always return before they leave stay position.

Return to easier version if they start making mistakes.

Give.

Great for getting stuff out of puppy mouths.

Start with toy in puppies mouth.

Say give and hold out treat in hand, when she drops toy to ground click but hold treat until you pick up toy. Let her nibble on treat while you do this. Toss the toy again for life reward as well.

Practice this with forbidden objects (accidently drop on near her so you don’t encourage playing with it).

Try not to grab objects from the dog, instead play the give game.

Do not do this for resource guarders.

Weave

Try touching the weave between the legs in a staggered stance.

Can also lure.

Score!

Target a large ball by asking her to touch.

Ball needs to be too large to fit in their mouth.

Bring ball lowere and lower to ground and switch cue to score.

Shape harder and harder touches on ball so that the ball starts moving.

Set up goal after they are pushing the ball a good distance.

Shape the score by only clicking when the ball goes through the goal.

Can use toddlers legs spread as a v as a goal and they can pass back and forth.

Can set up plastic bowling pins and use the same technique.

Pray

Ask them to sit up (sitting pretty) and encourage them to rest their feet on a chair.

Shape this if they aren’t getting it.

Lure their nose down between their legs and click and treat.

Add cue.

Fade gestures away.

Week 5

Swing

Moves dog to your side facing the same direction as you.

Gets your dog out of your way and into an approximate heel position, allowing you to walk forward together.

Can put each side on a different cue.

Move your dog to your left side.

Start with dog sitting in front of you facing you close enough so you can pat them on the head.

Clicker in your left and and treats in your right.

Take a long step straight back with your left foot.

Lure dog to your left and back with a treat.

Turn dog toward you with the lure and bring them up along your left side.

Then lift treat over their head to gett them to sit.

Can use verbal sit cue if needed.

Add verbal cue after they are doing it easily.

Put the treat where you want his nose to be.

Can shape increasingly better sits.

Leave It — Temptation Alley

Learn how to leave it when you go on walks.

Set up mildly interesting treats outside ten feet apart in an area where you can see them.

Walk dog 5–10 minutes before you start to settle them a little.

Approach the first pile. The instant the set their eyes on it say “leave it!” In a happy voice and stop moving.

Do not jerk them back but do restrain so they can’t eat the goodies (prevention is key).

Then wait, do not repeat the leave it cue and don’t pull him back. When they look away from the pile click and give a high value treat.

Then go to the next pile and repeat.

Do this until they can look awy from each pile with the verbal cue without a leash.

Change this up by putting piles in different places, different location, with better treats and toys etc.

Try off leash when they are responding 80% of the time.

Take a step back if they oopsie and eat the pile.

Up and Over

Jump on and over objects.

Lay broomstick on the ground and have them walk over it.

Say “over!” On an excited voice as they walk over it. Click an treat.

Repeat several times until they have no hesitation.

Lift the stick up a few inches with a couple of books and repeat.

Stand on one side of the stick, tell them to wait and say “Over!”

Slowly increase height.

Fade the lure.

Up

Exercise stepper is a good tool.

Place hand over platform and use touch to get them to touch your hand above it.

Practice on different surfaces.

Shape it if they do not do it all at once.

Playing Possum

Teach before roll over or it may be hard to get them to stop from rolling all the way over.

Never try to force a dog onto their back.

Can use to search for fleas ticks lumps and bumps.

Can lure this.

Fade the lure.

Roll Over

Try multiple rolls in a row.

Tug

Dog should know “give” before attempting tug.

You will always win the tug game.

Dogs seem to like the ones with three or four rope branches to choose from.

Rules:

Tug toy is only for playing tug put it away when the game is over.

You decide when it is time to play tug, don’t get it out when they ask for it, wait until they move on to something else.

You win 9 times out of 10.

Work on give more if they don’t let it go.

Game is over if their teeth touch graze your skin, wait a few minutes before you play again.

Dog only gets to grab the toy when you use the tug command. Say oops and hide it behind your back if they try to grab it.

Play growling is okay.

Serious growls, snapping, or refusing to release toy ends the game. Put the toy away for at least 10 minutes.

Can use “Yes!” Instead of clicker because your hands may be full.

Trade for a treat if they don’t give up the rope.

Can use the game itself as a reward.

Week 6

Excuse me

Hold treat toward nose and let them nibble at it.

Move the treat toward their chest and take a step toward her.

Click after they take just one step back.

Shape as they do more and more steps back.

Do this slowly.

Should be doing 4–6 steps back before you add the cue.

Shape for straighter and straighter steps.

If they just sit then move the treat lower between their legs and click they instant they move their foot back.

Long Distance Down

Get your dog to drop on a dime at a distance.

Asking them to do less to get them to stop chasing or doing something.

Tether dog or have a friend hold their leash.

Stand in front of dog facing them (they should be at the end of their leash facing toward you).

Take a step back and give them a happy down cue.

When dog lies down, click and step forward and treat.

Repeat several times.

Vary the command when you step back so they don’t think that stepping back means down.

Gradually add more steps until they respond to cue across the room.

Start adding distractions (reduce distance when you do this).

Increase distance with distractions.

Try without a tether with reduced distance and distraction.

Start asking for down when dog is in motion then in motion with distractions.

Dropped Leave It

You drop and item and have them leave it.

Reward them for leaving it.

Reward when they look away from dropped item.

Start dropping in less protected places than right next to you.

Then say leave after the treat hits the floor.

Be prepared to body block.

Have someone drop something while you are walking with dog towards them.

Cross Paws

Have dog lay down and tell them good boy.

Lure by moving treat left to right and shape the paw moving over.

Add verbal cue.

Sneak (Crawl on your belly like a reptile)

Fade lure after they are crawling longer distances.

Bravo (bow)

Start by luring them down and clicking for bent elbows bent then raise the treat back up before dog goes all the way down.

Can try slipping hand or box under them so they do not go all the way down.

“Bow” sounds too much like “down”.

Click and Jackpot!

1. Visualize the behavior you want your dog to do. Have a clear picture in your mind of the behavior you’re trying to achieve with your dog.
2. Figure out how to prevent your dog from being rewarded for the behavior you don’t want.
3. Reward him consistently and generously for the behavior you do want.

The poisoned Cue

Habituation occurs when your dog learns to ignore an environmental stimulus — a sound.

Sometimes sensitization occurs instead. Rather than habituating to a sound such as the doorbell, a dog may become more and more reactive each time the stimulus occurs. Thunder sensitivity is a perfect example of this.

Learned irrelevance is similar to habituation. It applies to a dog who has learned to ignore a specific cue, rather than become accustomed to a startling stimulus. This is not deliberate willfulness on the dog’s part, but rather her lack of response to a cue that has failed to have consistent and sufficiently strong significance attached to it. The cue becomes meaningless if it doesn’t have a consequence.

“poisoned cue.” A cue becomes poisoned when it sometimes has a negative consequence instead of a positive one.

it will be easier for you to train her to come with a new cue than to try to make the association consistently positive.

I have heard owners and trainers use words such as close, let’s go, and here in place of a poisoned Come.

Once you’ve trained a new Come cue, you have to remember not to poison that one too. If you have to do something to your dog that she’s not fond of, do something wonderful when she gets to you, and a few minutes later end the fun and do the not-so-nice thing.

Or go get her instead of calling her to you. Meanwhile, make it a point to change her association with the things she doesn’t like. Teach her that a hand moving toward her collar makes yummy treats happen.

Teach her that a hand moving toward her paw makes yummy treats happen. Then touching her paw. Then holding her paw. Then touching her paw with nail clippers. This process of counterconditioning and desensitization — changing the association with a stimulus — can be applied in countless training and behavior modification situations.

It works best when done gradually with numerous repetitions at each step, and not moving on until the dog is obviously happy about the process at each step.

The fewer things a dog must do in her world (or have done to her) that she doesn’t like, the less likely you are to poison her Come cue!

SALIENCE

When we say something is salient to a dog, we mean it has noticeable significance to her. Your dog learns to sit even in the face of distractions because the hotdog you are holding in front of her face is very salient.

The salient stimuli in the environment — you, your hotdogs, and the Sit cue — are more significant than the distractions. They overshadow the dog barking across the street, the skateboarder whizzing by on the road, the slamming of a car door down the block. If your dog is too distracted to respond to the Sit cue, then the distractions are more salient than you and your hotdogs.

You either need to move your training to a less distracting environment, or find a way to make you, your treats, and your cues more significant to your dog.

BLOCKING

when the use of a known cue overrides the dog’s ability to learn a new cue for the same behavior. Keep in mind that while dogs can only learn one response to a particular cue (sit must always mean “sit,” it can’t sometimes mean lie down), they can learn several cues that all mean the same behavior.

I introduce the verbal cue and explain that any new cue being taught must always precede the known cue.

I use a demo dog to show them that the dog doesn’t initially understand or respond to the word down until we associate it with the luring motion that means “down” to the dog.

The motion is salient to the dog — the word is not. I explain to my students that in order for the dog to hear the word and learn that it also has significance, they must say the word first, then lure the dog down.

If they give the verbal cue at the same time or after they lure, the lure blocks the dog’s ability to learn the new cue. With enough repetitions of the sequence — verbal cue, followed by lure (and click! and treat when the dog performs the behavior) — the dog will learn that the verbal cue also has salience, and you will no longer need to lure her down — she will lie down when you give her the verbal cue.

FADING THE LURE

One of the biggest complaints you’ll hear about positive training is that you always have to have food in your hand to get your dog to do what you ask. This is true only if you don’t make the effort to fade your lures — that is, to get your dog to respond to your cues when there’s no treat in sight. If you don’t fade lures fairly early in your training program, you and your dog can both become dependent on the presence of food to get behaviors to happen. The good news is it’s easy to fade lures; you just have to remember to follow the steps to do it. Let’s take Down as our example:

1. Lure the behavior: Move your treat toward the floor, clicking your dog for following, giving a nibble of treat with each click!
2. Add the cue: When she lures down easily every time, say the Down cue each time just before you lure her down. Repeat a half-dozen times. Remember to click! and treat each time.
3. Pause before luring: Now say “Down!” and pause. Wait for several seconds, then lure her down. Click! Treat. By following the word with the lure, you are translating, telling her that the word down means exactly the same thing as moving the treat toward the floor. Repeat several times.
4. Add a little body language: As you say “Down!” or immediately thereafter, bend forward just a tiny bit from the waist. Since you probably bend forward when you lure, this little body language hint might jump-start your dog’s brain into moving down. If not, wait a few seconds and then lure.
5. Watch for clues: Sometimes your dog will make small movements that tell you she’s starting to make the connection between the cue and the behavior. When you give the Down cue, she may look at the floor or lower her shoulders a little bit and then look at you as if to say, “Is this right? Is this what you mean?” If you catch these clues with a click! and quickly lure her the rest of the way, you’ve answered her question and she’ll probably understand and respond to the cue more quickly.

EXTINCTION

Extinction means taking a behavior that has been reinforced and making it go away by removing all reinforcement.

You can deliberately extinguish an unwelcome behavior by taking away any reinforcement your dog might be getting for it. We extinguish the behavior of jumping up by making sure no one pets, talks to, or looks at the dog when she jumps, and by stepping away so she doesn’t even have the pleasure of making contact with her paws.

You can also accidentally extinguish a desired behavior by forgetting to reinforce it or by not reinforcing it enough. Reinforcement isn’t always treats — it’s anything your dog likes: toys, play, eye contact, praise, pets, runs . . .

When you use extinction to make a behavior go away, be aware that there is often an extinction burst — the behavior gets worse before it gets better because the dog is trying really hard to get reinforcement for a behavior that paid off in the past.

You want to be sure not to reinforce the dog during an extinction burst, or you’ve just taught her that trying harder gets reinforced. Don’t give in (unless the dog is in danger of injuring herself); comfort yourself with the knowledge that the extinction burst usually means you’re close to success.

spontaneous recovery. Days, weeks, or even months after you extinguished a behavior, it suddenly rears its ugly head again.

Circumstances occurred to refire the same old neuron pathway. The good news is, assuming you make sure the behavior isn’t reinforced, it should go away again quickly, and much more easily than the first time.

Premack

You can use a more rewarding behavior as the reinforcer for a less rewarding behavior, thereby improving the performance of the lesser behavior.

For example, if your dog would rather chase a bunny than come when you call her, you can use the Premack principle to teach her that she will get to chase a bunny — sometimes — if she comes to you first.

You start by using Premack indoors in a controlled environment to teach her how it works, and when she’s doing well there, move her outside. Leave your dog on a sit/stay and walk across the room. Your helper, with a plate of tasty treats, stands halfway between you and your dog, slightly off to one side. Your helper should also have a bowl to cover the treats when your dog tries to eat them. Now call your dog. If she stops to investigate the plate of treats, the helper covers the plate and doesn’t let her have a taste.

You keep calling your dog cheerfully and enthusiastically. When she finally comes to you, gently grasp her collar, say “Good girl!” then release her collar and say “Go get it!” Race with your dog back to the treats, now uncovered, and let her have a couple of bites.

Then cover the plate and try it again. Eventually — sometimes surprisingly quickly — she will realize that she gets the treats sooner if she comes to you first and she will fly past the uncovered plate as fast as she can. This principle is also sometimes called Grandma’s Law, expressed as “You have to eat your vegetables before you can eat your dessert.”

There are a couple of drawbacks to using Premack in real life: (1) If the vegetables are too unpalatable, dessert may also lose its appeal; and (2) you can’t control the bunnies.

Generalization

How do you help your dog learn to generalize operant behaviors? By doing exactly what your trainer probably told you to do — practice with her in as many different places as possible.

CHAINING AND BACKCHAINING

The behaviors are linked together so that each behavior is the signal for the next behavior in the chain, and the opportunity to perform the next behavior becomes the reinforcer for the previous one.

Backchaining begins with the last behavior in the chain. Each step is added in reverse order, until the dog is performing the complete behavior. The theory is that when you teach the last thing first, your dog is always moving toward what she knows best, so she gains confidence as she learns the new links in the chain. The theory works.

THE PRINCIPLE OF PARSIMONY

Unless there is evidence to the contrary, you must account for a phenomenon with the simplest explanation available.

House Training

Think in terms of what you want him to do.

Housetraining, an ounce of prevention is worth many pounds of cure.

Will start using the phrase Do It when he starts to eliminate. This will teach him to go to the bathroom on cue.

Social Misfits

As they get older (8 to 16 weeks), they are given careful exposure to other stimuli — visits to the vet hospital and groomer; walks in town; rides on elevators and escalators; sounds of cars, motorcycles, and skateboards; people of different ages, sexes, and ethnic backgrounds; people who dress, talk, and move in strange ways; and people with umbrellas, crutches, wheelchairs, and facial hair. The more positive exposures a dog has to a wide variety of experiences during this period, the more confident and well adjusted she will be throughout her life, and the more easily she will accept new experiences, even without prior exposure.

Steps to take to foster courage in an unsocialized canine:

1. Teach your dog a reward marker.
2. Reward-mark his entire meal. If the dog is extremely unsocialized — fearful even of you — let this be the only way she gets to eat: by being in your company and, eventually when she’s brave enough, by eating out of your hand. She needs to learn that you are the source of all good things. Reward-marking won’t work well for a free-roaming feral dog — she will have access to other food sources and won’t have to tolerate your presence to find food.
3. Reward-mark her for calm behavior around others.
4. Make a list of her fear triggers.
5. Use counterconditioning and desensitization. Desensitization is the process of gradually acclimating the dog to the things she is afraid of. Counterconditioning means replacing her involuntary undesirable reaction — fear — with a more desirable one that is incompatible with fear, such as the eager anticipation of a tasty treat.
6. Reward-mark while others feed treats.
7. Teach her to target.

Caution: Avoid Coddling!

Be Happy

Healthy dogs chew. They also bark, dig, and run around. These behaviors are natural and necessary for them.

teach him to go to the bathroom at appropriate appropriate times, in appropriate places. You will be far more successful in dealing with the challenges of chewing, digging, and barking if you address these natural behaviors the same way.

CHOOSE YOUR CHEWS

Stuffed Kong toys, marrow bones, and other indestructible but inviting chew objects are better choices than items that resemble our valued human possessions. Discarded socks and old tennis shoes teach a pup to head for the closet floor and the laundry basket when the chewing urge is strong.

Carrots, apples, and other hard raw fruits and vegetables are also ideal puppy chews.

Goodie Ship stuffed with liver treats.

Chewing is also a good stress reliever, which is why dogs who are anxious about being left alone at home often become destructive.

Puppies should gradually be conditioned to being left alone so they can overcome their very strong and natural instinct to always be in the company of their pack. Providing your dog with a desirable and appropriate chew object prior to your calm departure can often help prevent separation anxiety from becoming a problem.

Safety First

Dogs have been known to choke on rawhide, which can get soft and slimy when chewed.

Rope toys can shred, and if swallowed, the pieces of string can become entangled in a dog’s intestines — a life-threatening situation. Plastic eyes, noses, and squeakers from plush toys also pose a hazard to your dog’s well-being.

The black rubber Kong toys are among the toughest

Oldies but Goodies

You can regularly give your dog chicken and turkey wings and necks. Note: These are fed raw, not cooked, as part of a complete diet plan.

The Whole Dog Journal is a good resource for information on feeding a natural, healthy diet, as are books by Dr. Ian Billinghurst.

Punishing Jaws after you take a forbidden object away from him does no good — he is likely to think that the last thing he did (giving up the object) is what he’s being punished for. Jaws can learn very quickly that chewing on an item of high value to humans is a good thing to do because it will initiate a rousing game of chase the puppy. If you punish him after you catch him, you won’t teach him not to play the game; you’ll just teach him to run faster next time! Don’t let him suck you into his game — use management and supervision to interrupt and redirect him before he is doing doughnuts around the dining room table with your $150 running shoe in his mouth.

Digging

Dogs who are most likely to engage in inappropriate digging are those who are left to their own devices in the backyard for long periods.

My philosophy of dog-human relationships, they belong anyway. Dogs are companion animals, and they serve that function best when they share our homes (dens) with us. Dogs who are exiled to a pen or to the backyard are often excruciatingly bored and/or lonely, which gives rise to a long list of behavior problems, including barking, digging, escaping, hyperactivity, poor socialization, and aggression.

If you want, you can even encourage your dog to dig — in the right place. Just as you teach your dog when and where it’s okay to go to the bathroom, you can teach Dozer when and where it’s okay for him to dig.

You can build a wooden digging box frame — spacious enough to accommodate Dozer’s size with room to spare — and set it where you want him to dig. Dig up the dirt within the framed area so it is soft and inviting.

If your dirt is hard clay, add sand and potting soil to break up the soil and keep it soft. Now invite Dozer to dig in his box by burying a toy or bone just beneath the surface of the soil. Get excited and tell Dozer to go dig.

Then help him dig up the toy. Repeat this game often, until he will run to his box and start digging from anywhere in the yard when you tell him to go dig.

You can bury toys and bones in the box when he’s not looking so that he never knows what he’ll find in there.

If you do see him starting to dig where he shouldn’t, say “Oops! Go dig!” to interrupt and invite him back to the box. If he doesn’t have lots of unsupervised time to reward himself for digging in the wrong places, he will eventually confine his digging to his box.

An additional benefit to teaching him the Go Dig cue is that you can use it anytime you are in a place where digging is allowed — like the beach, where digging in the sand is great fun for dogs and humans alike.

You can also make use of his talents when you need a hole dug — to plant a tree, put in fence posts, or perhaps bury a treasure.

Barking

Simply slapping a no-bark electric shock collar (shudder) around the backyard dog’s neck may stop the barking, but it does nothing to help the dog become less bored, lonely, or frustrated.

My answer to the dog owner who asks how to get a dog to stop barking in the backyard day and night is simply to bring him indoors. This relieves his loneliness because:

• He is now more a part of the family
• It does away with boredom because there are more interesting things going on inside the house
• It shuts out the stimuli that frustrate him — like squirrels in the trees and cats on the fence
• It lifts the burden from his shoulders of feeling like he’s the only member of the pack who is guarding the den

We just want to be able to turn the barking off when we want. You can do this with a positive interrupt, or you can get more inventive and teach Woofie to bark on cue in order to teach him to stop barking on cue.

To use the positive interrupt, begin by teaching Woofie that over here means “Turn toward me for a click! and a treat.” Practice this on-leash with a small distraction, like sniffing a bush, until Woofie looks to you eagerly when he hears the Over Here cue.

“Over Here!” As soon as he stops barking and turns toward you for his treat, click! and tell him “Quiet. Good boy!” then click! again for the quiet and give him another treat. (I actually have my clients say “Thank you!” to their dogs when we do this, to remind them that we really do appreciate having our dogs alert us to unusual visitors and events.)

Whatever it is that gets Woofie to bark — walking up the sidewalk, knocking on the door, opening the door, or whatever. The more you repeat it, the less excited

Woofie will be about the knock on the door and the quicker he will be to turn toward you on the Over Here cue. Of course, the next time someone comes to the door, Woofie will be excited all over again — it takes time and numerous repetitions of this exercise to get Woofie to give up his deeply ingrained, out-of-control barking behavior.

Remember that you are not using the Quiet cue to make your dog stop barking — you are waiting until he stops barking and then telling him that the behavior of not barking is called quiet.

In time, when Woofie has learned to associate the word with the behavior of being quiet, you will be able to get him to stop barking with the Quiet cue, but if you use it in the beginning while he’s barking, you will be teaching him that quiet actually means “bark.”

In fact, I honestly believe that a lot of dogs think their owners are barking with them when they are actually yelling at them to shut up! I avoid teaching dogs to bark on cue if they don’t already bark a lot, but for those who are problem barkers, it can be a superb solution to the barking behavior challenge.

Getting the bark on cue is the easy part — barky dogs are usually more than willing to offer the behavior.

You probably already know what stimulates Woofie to bark. If it’s a knock on the door, then knock on the door, click! when he barks, and feed him a treat.

If this works, do it again, but say “Speak!” or “Who’s there?” just before you knock. When he barks, click! and treat. Because he likes to bark anyway, in very short order he will probably bark for you on just the verbal cue, without the knock.

Aside from using this exercise to teach Woofie to be quiet on cue, it can also be useful for self-protection. I had one client who taught her dog that What Do You Want? was the cue to start barking.

She could then use it if she felt threatened by an approaching stranger, and her very friendly dog would bark nonstop and quite convincingly keep the potential bad guy at a distance.

Now that you have the bark on cue, you can teach Quiet or Enough by clicking and rewarding a pause in the barking.

Again, remember that in the beginning you won’t be asking Woofie to stop barking with the verbal cue; you’ll just be associating the quiet word with the cessation of barking.

Eventually, when you know he has made the connection between the word and the behavior, you will be able to use the cue to ask him to stop barking.

Remember first to thank him for alerting you to something going on in the world.

You never know when he might be trying to tell you that there’s a burglar outside, that Timmy has fallen into the well, or that your horses are running down your driveway.

Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety (SA), the canine equivalent of a panic disorder.

A less intense stress response in dogs over being left alone is called isolation distress (ID).

Spend fifteen to twenty minutes in a hard play session every morning to take the edge off Shep’s energy level before you leave the house.

Provide as much exercise as possible at other times of the day as well. A dog who has a reservoir of pent-up energy is more stressed than one who is tired. A tired dog is usually a happier and better-behaved dog.

Be calm when you leave and return. Dramatic good-byes and hellos raise Shep’s anxiety level.

Give Shep a Kong toy or marrow bone filled with peanut butter or cheese just before you leave.

Do not crate Shep unless you know she stays calm in the crate while you are gone.

Biting

All dogs can bite. And under the right set of circumstances, the gentlest, most loving dog can be induced to bite.

Aggression is caused by stress. Each thing (stimulus) that causes a dog stress is a small building block (stressor) toward that dog’s bite threshold.

A dozen or more commonly recognized classifications of aggression, including status-related aggression, fear-related aggression, maternal aggression (a mom protecting her puppies), play aggression (when a dog’s level of arousal escalates during play and turns into aggression), displaced aggression, pain aggression, territorial aggression, possession aggression, protection aggression, barrier aggression, and redirected aggression.

Resource Guarding

You can build on this foundation by working with Gimme at her mealtimes in a four-week resource-guarding program. Begin by setting her dish on the counter and putting her kibble in it.

During week one, feed her the entire meal by hand, one kibble at a time. Have other family members take turns feeding her, and even allow an occasional visitor to do it so that she really gets the concept that humans deliver resources.

Be sure to include children in the mix — you want her to realize that having small humans around her food bowl is a good thing. In week two, set Gimme’s empty food bowl on the floor and put her meal in a second dish on the counter.

Now drop a few kibbles into her dish, and while she is eating those, drop a few more. You want her to realize that when a human hand approaches her bowl it is not coming to take her food away; instead, more food is coming.

Again, have all the family participate, and include an occasional friend in the mealtime ritual. During week three, put her bowl on the floor with about ¼ of her meal already in it.

As she eats, continue to add more kibble, and occasionally add something really wonderful, like a slice of hot dog, chicken, or roast beef. Now you are teaching her that not only does the approaching hand bring more food, it actually brings better food.

By now she should be pretty well convinced that having humans around her food bowl is a wonderful idea. In the final week of your food bowl training, continue to drop kibble into her bowl as she eats.

Now, assuming that she is showing absolutely no signs of food guarding when you reach toward her bowl, pick the bowl up while at the same time you drop pieces of her really wonderful treat on the floor.

The message you’re giving to Gimme is that food bowl going away = really wonderful food on the ground. While you have the food bowl in your hand, put a few more pieces of the really wonderful treat in it and set it back down on the ground after she has finished the treats you dropped.

You are simply reinforcing the concept that having humans mess with her food bowl is good — it returns to her with even better stuff in it.

If you, and others, for the rest of Gimme’s life, continue to occasionally drop great stuff in her bowl while she is eating, she will always recognize humans near her bowl as a good thing and should never develop a food-guarding problem.

Dogs do what feels good, or, as behaviorists say, behavior is reward driven. If your dog is doing something that you want to change, at some level it is rewarding to her.

Find out what the reward is and you are well on your way to changing the behavior.

Your attention is a huge reinforcer. Even negative attention (like yelling) is reinforcing — in your dog’s mind, something is better than nothing.

Babies and Kids

Make good things happen whenever babies were around.

Don’t be stingy here — leave Lady’s dinner kibble at home. Instead, get out the hot dogs, cheese, steak, chicken — whatever Lady likes best — and keep feeding her one tiny piece at a time.

You don’t even need to click! her for this; you’re not trying to change or teach a behavior; you’re trying to influence the way that her brain responds to the presence of children. (This is called classical conditioning, like Pavlov’s salivating dogs.)

We just want Lady to realize that the presence of babies and small children is a reliable predictor of wonderful treats.

You can also have the babies’ parents or babysitters and some well-behaved small children feed treats to Lady and pet her gently so that she realizes that not only do good things happen when kids are around, some of the good things actually come from the children.

Never leave dogs, babies, and/or small children (under age 10 — or older if the dog is large and active) together unsupervised. No matter how trustworthy the dog, a responsible adult must always be actively observing the interaction between dog and baby human(s).

Give the dog an escape route. When Junior starts moving, he can be pretty determined and irritating.

Toddler fingers in her eyes, ears, and mouth. Teach Lady how to jump over a low barrier to reach safety if she has had enough baby for the moment.

Dogs who can’t escape their tiny tormentors are more likely to bite in self-defense.

Teach your dog bite inhibition so that if she does feel compelled to bite in self-defense, she will give an inhibited warning bite rather than a serious bite. (See chapter 22, “A Biting Commentary.”)

Teach your children to respect the dog. Children should handle dogs gently and kindly. As soon as Junior is old enough to understand, he needs to learn that it is not okay to hit, poke, kick, or pull Lady’s ears or tail. He should also be taught that Lady’s crate is her sanctuary — she is never to be disturbed there.

Until he is old enough to understand, it is the responsibility of the supervising adult to prevent Junior from tormenting Lady.

Teach your children basic dog safety tips:

• Never approach an unfamiliar dog.
• Never run away from a dog.
• Never scream near a dog.
• Stand still when an unfamiliar dog approaches.
• Do not hug a dog unless an adult has told you that you can hug him.
• Do not stare into a dog’s eyes.
• Do not disturb a dog who is sleeping, eating, resting in his crate, or with or near her puppies.
• Do not play with a dog unless supervised by an adult.

Choosing your animal care

Association of Pet Dog Trainers (APDT), a nonprofit organization that promotes the use of positive training methods and provides educational opportunities for all trainers to learn more about the modern science of dog behavior and training. You can access the list of APDT member/trainers at the APDT Web site, www.apdt.com, to find an APDT trainer in your geographical area.

1. Training your dog should be fun! A competent instructor will allow and encourage you to observe a class prior to making the decision to enroll. In a well-run class, dogs and people will be enjoying themselves and having a successful learning experience. Look for an instructor who is approachable and who encourages participants to have a good time. If space permits, an instructor should welcome and encourage all family members and others who interact with the dog to attend class.
2. A skilled class instructor will Provide a clear explanation of each lesson. Demonstrate the behavior(s) that students will be teaching to their dogs. Provide clear instructions and written handouts on how to teach the behavior(s). Give students ample time in class to begin practicing the day’s lesson. Assist students individually with proper implementation of techniques.
3. A skilled and professional trainer will encourage dialogue and be courteous to both canine and human clients alike.
4. You want to be comfortable with the training tools and methods used by the instructor. A skilled and professional dog trainer employs humane training methods that are not harmful to the dog and/or handler and avoids the practices of hanging, beating, kicking, shocking, and all similar procedures or training devices that could cause the dog great pain or distress, or that have imminent potential for physical harm. You have the absolute right to stop any trainer or other animal-care professional who, in your opinion, is causing your dog undue harm or distress.
5. A conscientious trainer will stay informed about innovations in dog training and behavior tools and techniques. Check to see if the instructor is a member of any educational organizations such as the APDT, and whether s/he pursues ongoing educational opportunities.
6. A good instructor will take care to protect your dog’s health in a group setting. Ask if dogs and puppies are required to be vaccinated prior to class and, if so, which vaccines are required. Make sure you and your veterinarian are comfortable with the vaccination requirements.
7. Current clients are a valuable source of information for you. Attending a group class gives you the opportunity to ask clients how they feel about their experience — if they are enjoying the class and feel that their training needs and goals are being met.
8. Because of variables in dog breeding and temperament and owner commitment and experience, a trainer cannot and should not guarantee the results of his/her training. However, an instructor can and should be willing to ensure client satisfaction with his/her professional services.

Treats and Rewards

Hot dogs or Vienna sausage (you can microwave them to make them less slimy); various kitty treats; trail mix; frozen Italian meatballs; chopped bologna; peanut butter; cream cheese; small cubes of cheddar cheese; chicken — boiled or, even better, fried; liver — freeze-dried or fried; minced steak or roast beef; and the several brands of meat rolls produced for dogs.

Squeeze cheese is a favorite of mine for exceptionally fussy dogs, and baby food in a jar.

A spoon or my finger, right out of the jar, or from a squeeze tube.

French toast, Cheerios, croutons soaked in salad dressing, and cheese-filled tortellini.

Small chunks of apple and carrot.

Chocolate and onions can kill a dog if consumed in even moderate quantities. Grapes and raisins have also been implicated in numerous dog deaths.

LIFE REWARDS

Things other than food that your dog loves.

The more reliably your dog has learned a behavior, the more you can use life rewards in place of treat rewards.

• Chasing a ball or a Frisbee
• Chasing squirrels or birds (in a safe environment)
• Going outside or coming inside
• Digging a hole
• Chewing a chew toy
• Playing tug of war or chase
• Taking a walk or going for a car ride
• Swimming
• Playing with other dogs
• Anything else your dog loves to do

Training Cues

All Done : You are released from whatever I was asking you to do.

Watch Me: Look at me.

Click (or a mouth click, finger snap, the words “Yes,” “Click,” or “Tick”): What you were doing at the exact moment you heard the click is earning you a food reward.

Come: Run quickly to me. (You might also want it to mean “and sit right in front of me.”)

Dog’s Name: Look at me and wait for further instructions.

Down: Lie down on the ground (not get off something or someone).

Excuse Me: Walk backward.

Good Boy: General praise — not a reward marker!

Heel: Walk by my left side with your shoulder even with my knee.

Jackpot: Exceptionally good effort — you are earning extra rewards!

Leave It: Whatever you are touching or paying attention to, leave it alone; get off someone or something; don’t touch.

Let’s Walk: Walk with me without pulling on the leash, or walk closely with me with no leash, but not necessarily in the heel position.

No: What you are doing is very bad or dangerous — stop immediately! (Use very sparingly, just for life-threatening situations, and when you do use it, say it like you mean it!)

Oops (or Wrong, Mistake, Sorry): The behavior you are doing will not earn you a reward. (This is referred to as a no-reward marker and is also used sparingly.)

Relax: Lie flat on your side.

Sit (not Sit Down): Put yourself in the sitting position from whatever position you are in now.

Stand: Stand still on all four legs. Stay: Don’t move from the position I left you in until I release you.

Take It: Take food or an object into your mouth (the beginning of teaching a dog to retrieve).

Touch: Touch your nose to a designated target. Wait: Pause. Stop moving, either until I leave or until I release you. (This is less formal than stay.)

If you made it this far…

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Thanks for reading!

The Psychology of Money (9/10)

Holy cow was this eye opening. Not only in regards to money, but the principles apply to many aspects of life. Strong story telling, clear and concise. Worth reading multiple times.

Summary and Highlights

You don’t have to be a genius to do well with money. You just need to have the proper set of emotional and behavioral skills. These skills have nothing to do with having a finance degree.

You must factor in luck when making financial decisions.

What seems like a dumb financial decision to one person, may be smart from someone else’s point of view. Depending on their life outlook, their mental model of the world, goals, and current circumstances.

The world is too complex for an individual to dictate 100% of their outcomes. Remember luck and risk when judging others (or your own) financial success.

People can get lucky when they just as well could have gotten unlucky. Even if it was the same decision. The outcome could have swayed either way.

Based on this, careful when judging or looking up to people. Not all successful people got there because of hard work, and not all poverty is due to lazyness.

Extreme cases of luck and risk cannot be applied to other people. The farther the extreme, the more likely the outcome was driven by luck and risk. So focus more on broad patterns, rather than on individuals or case studies. Common patterns are more likely to be applicable to your life.

When things are good or bad, realize that luck or risk played a huge part in bringing you there. Both factors can turn your life around just as quick.

Play in a way that lets you no get wiped out from bad luck so you can keep playing until the odds fall in your favor.

Recognize bad luck when judging yourself for failures.

Get the goalpost to stop moving

Do not risk what you have and need for what you don’t have and don’t need.

Accept that you might have enough. Even if it’s less than those around you.

Things not worth risking:

• Family and friends
• reputation
• Freedom and Independence
• Being loved be people you want to love you.
• Happiness

Compounding

You don’t need tremendous force to gain big results over time.

Small efforts over long amounts of time give compounding it’s power.

Time is the secret sauce.

High returns are often one off cases of luck that can’t be repeated.

Focus on earning pretty good returns that you can stick with for a long period of time.

Survival

Getting money requires taking risks, being optimistic, and putting yourself out there.

Keeping money requires humility, frugality, and fear that what you have can be taken away quickly.

Past success is somewhat attributable to luck. So it can’t be relied on indefinitely.

Survival should be the conerstone of your strategy.

Lonegevity is what makes the best strategy, compunding, work wonders.

Plan on you plan not going according to plan. Don’t rely on a single outcome.

Know that the path WILL be filled with ups and downs.

Tails Events

A small number of events drives the majority of outcomes.

Do not over react when things fail.

Things failing more often than they succeed is normal.

What you do today or tomorrow has less impact than what you do when the 1% amount of time when everyone else is going crazy.

The masters were wrong just as often as you were. They were just really right when they ended up being right.

You can be wrong more than half the time and still make a fortune.

Freedom is time

Highest form of weath is being able to choose what you do with your day.

Value friendship, being a part of something bigger than yourself, spending quality, unstructured time with your children.

Your kids want you more than they want things.

People imagine themselves driving the nice car

They do not think about the driver.

Wealth signaling does not get you admired.

Respect and admiration is earned through humility, kindness, and empathy. Not fancy stuff.

Spending money is the fastest way to having no money.

Wealth is what you don’t see.

If you spend money on things then you will end up with things and not money.

Rich is current income. Wealth is money not spent. Wealth is opportunity to do whatever you want.

It’s hard to find wealth role models because the definition of success in wealth is hidden.

Saving money

Wealth has little to do with returns or income and much to do with your savings rate.

Learning to be happy with less creates the gap between what you have and what you want.

A powerful way to increase your savings is to increase your humility.

Don’t give a damn about what others think of you.

Save for no reason

Life will throw curve balls at you.

Having extra money will give you more options to wait for the right opportunity. It lets you have time to think and to change course on your own terms.

Soft skills - like communication, empathy, and flexibility, will give you an advantage in a world where Intelligence is hyper competitive.

Reasonable can be better than rational

Reasonable helps you stick to it over the long haul. Which is what matters most when managing money.

Being able to sleep at night is more important than math.

It’s easier to justify “minimizing future regret” in real life than it is on paper.

“Love your investments”

Doing what you love provides the endurance to succeed. Rational thinking does not tie in your emotions to your results. Making it more likely that you will jump ship when the waters are rough.

“Things that have never happened before happen all the time”

History is not a map of the future.

The majority of historical outcomes are driven by events that were impossible to predict.

You can learn general takeaways from history, but stay away from things that are too specific.

Plan on your plan not going according to plan

Recognize that uncertanty and randomness are a part of life. Render the forcast unnecessary.

Have a margin of safety. Plan so that you can endure a range of outcomes. So that you can survive long enough to let the odds fall in your favor.

Assume your future returns will be slightly lower than historical average.

Do not risk anything you are unwilling to lose.

Barbell your money. Be paranoid with some, but unwilling to risk the other portion.

Try to avoid single points of failurre. You can’t plan for the things that are too crazy to cross your mind.

Relying on a paycheck with no savings is a single point of failure.

You will change

Imagining goals is easy and fun. But the reality of hitting that goal may be not as good as you imagined.

People are aware of how much they have changed in the past, but underestimate how much they will change in the future.

Avoid extreme ends of financial planning. Balance at every point becomes important to minimize future regret and keep you in the game for the long haul.

Accept the reality that you might change your mind. Move on as soon as possible.

Have no sunk costs. They make you a prisoner of your past self.

Abandon past goals without mercy. If they do not best suit your needs. The quicker it’s done, the sooner you can go back to compounding.

Nothing is free.

We often don’t stick to things because we were unable to identify the price to succeed.

The price of successful investing is voliility, fear, doubt, uncertantly, and regret. Be willing to pay it.

This is a fee for getting where we want to go. Not a fine for doing something wrong.

Beware of taking financial cues from people playing a different game than you are.

Investors have different goals and time horizons. Factors that an investor pays attention to make different prices worth it or not worth it. Depending on those goals.

We can see how much others spend on assets. But we do not see their goals, worries, and aspirations.

You must understand your own time horizon and act on those. Rather than acting on the decisions of people playing a different game than you.

The seduction of pessimism

Optimism sounds like a sales pitch, pessimism sounds like someone is trying to help you.

Optimism recognises a possitive outcome even with setbacks along the way.

Progress happens too slowly to notice. But setbacks happen too quickly to ignore.

Growth is driven by compoundings. Setbacks are driven by single points of failure or loss of confidence. Both of which can happen in an instant.

Stories are more powerful than statistics.

The more you want something to be true, the higher chance you are to believe a story that over estimates the likelyhood of that thing to be true.

The biggest risk is that the likelyhood of what you want to be trues isn’t even close to reality.

We are overconfident in our beliefs because we fill in what we don’t know to make a mental model of the world. Relying on skill more than on unknowns.

Key Takeaways

Find humility when things go right. Find compassion and forgiveness when things go wrong.

Less ego more wealth.

Manage your money in a way that helps you sleep at night.

Increasing your time horizon is the key to being a better investor.

Be okay with things going wrong. You can be wrong more than half the time and still make a fortune.

Use money to gain control of your time.

Be nicer and less flashy.

Save. For no reason.

Define the cost of success and be willing to pay it.

Worship room for error.

Avoid extreme ends of financial decisions.

You should like risk because it pays off over time.

Define the game you are playing.

Respect the mess.

How

Maintain a lifestyle below what you can afford. Avoid keeping up with the Joneses

We never want to be forced to sell the stocks we own.

Own low cost index funds. (Vanguard?)

Pick a strategy with the highest odds of success at reaching your financial goals.

• High savings rate
• patience
• optimism that the global economy will create value over the next several decades.

History

In the 1950’s, the country got rich by making the poor less poor. The gap widened starting in the 70’s

If you made it this far…

Please consider giving me some feedback. I want to become a better writer and help others grow along with me. Feedback is invaluable for this goal.

Thanks for reading!

The Relationship Handbook (10/10)

Summary and Highlights

If you have a change of heart, your marriage will be on a new footing.

A change of heart is the force that erases the distress in relationships and gives you a fresh start.

A relationship dysfunction—a conflict, boredom or resentment—needs no healing time and is always reversible. A change of heart can occur in an instant.

Many marriage counselors say the past its unexpressed emotions and habit patterns—and poor communication are the “bad guys” that cause mental and relationship distress. These are the symptoms of relationship distress, not the cause. The cause, the real bad guy, is insecurity.

Painful memories, negative emotions, habit patterns and bad communication are all symptoms of insecurity.

Insecurity is the source of distress and all counterproductive behavior.

Thoughts of insecurity periodically pass through our minds. If we dismiss these thoughts, we will remain secure, our ideal selves: easygoing, joyful, compassionate and wise. If we harbor our thoughts of insecurity, we end up in a state of distress.

Marriage counseling doesn’t work because:

• Therapists tend to teach couples to struggle with their problems instead of giving them a fresh start.
• Therapists use low mood therapy instead of high mood therapy.
• Clients are given misinformation, the same misinformation that explains why so many therapists get divorced.

When couples go to a marriage counselor there are three possible outcomes: (1) they get a fresh start, (2) they stay together and “cope with” a tense or sour marriage. (3) they separate.

Coping involves struggling (a more honest term for “working on”) with problems and expressing your feeling about them. Coping takes time and work and provides only temporary relief.

It is about as effective as releasing steam without turning down the heat.

The strength of their marriages lies not in their ability to cope with their problems, but in their ability to keep their bearings and to stay close.

People mistakenly believe that pain and effort are an inevitable part of relationships. They believe that analyzing their problems and living patterns will change them.

Analyzing problems makes you an expert on your problems. It doesn’t change you.

When partners probe and analyze each other’s faults, as they learn to do in most marriage counseling, they become insecure, defensive and resistant to change. They bring out the worst in each other.

LOW MOOD THERAPY

There are actually two kinds of therapy: low mood therapy and high mood therapy.

During low mood therapy the client is in a low mood because he’s probing problems and other negative thoughts.

In high mood therapy, clients engage the thoughts we have in high moods—insights, non-contingent positive feelings and big-picture perspectives.

THE LOW MOOD THERAPY PROCESS

1. The counselor asks clients to list their problems. This step makes all the problems vivid in the clients’ minds, thereby lowering their spirits.

Counselor and clients delve into each problem in detail. They look at its cause, its implications and associated memories, emotions and fears.

Problems now seem so formidable that clients are discouraged.

2. From this discouraged state of mind, the counselor and clients attempt to solve relationship problems. The process is usually painful and unproductive.

The counselor concludes that the couple needs to put extensive “work” into their relationship. He or she then asks if they are willing to make the commitment. The couple considers how painful and unproductive their efforts have been and are reluctant to throw “good money after bad.”

The high mood therapist

Sees that extracting misunderstandings, misinformation, overreactions, grudges and discouragement from relationships lays a foundation for a fresh start. This observation keeps the high mood therapist hopeful and patient.

She doesn’t focus on problems. Instead, she explains personality and mood distortions and shows how misinformation damages relationships.

Once this understanding strikes home, the couple begins to glimpse the same possibilities for their relationship that the therapist sees. They see the viability of a fresh start. At this point, the couple sees their relationship history as a nightmare from which they are awakening.

A characteristic of very low moods is that every little problem looks like the tip of an iceberg.

In the ignorance of low moods, they think the “real” Ben and Jennifer have finally surfaced.

Their relationship is punctuated by insecurity, their mood held down by their fearful thoughts.

They bring their problem to a high mood therapist. Instead of analyzing their pattern of criticism and withdrawal, she reassures them that they have innocently brought out the worst in each other. She shows them that their behaviors have become exaggerated because they have been stuck in a low mood.

She explains how moods distort our thinking and perceptions. She explains that if they make allowances for them, moods will have no lasting effect on relationships.

Moods are the constant shifts in perspective built into our experience of life. Our thinking and therefore our perceptions of life are a function of mood changes. Our thoughts are more optimistic, lighthearted, and wise when we are in a high mood.

This book emphasizes thinking because it is the steering wheel for a happy life and satisfying relationships. Thinking is like breathing—we do it continuously from birth to death.

Thinking is like a function that allows every human being to create a personal reality.

Each thought creates a feeling that makes the thought appear real.

There is no way to enjoy a relationship if our minds are full of painful thoughts. We can’t enjoy anything while our minds are analyzing and criticizing.

As our thought processes get healthier, more responsive (less habitual), our relationships improve dramatically.

What makes people so rigid, so predictable in their thinking?

Mind-sets, which we also could call thought systems, create unique realities for people in the same way a film creates an image on a movie screen.

A mind-set predisposes us toward specific feelings and behaviors.

Mind-sets limit our perceived options and, in that way, cast our lot in life.

Often people think of feelings as things to work through or deal with.

But feelings were meant to be a barometer to help us maintain our emotional equilibrium.

Feelings provide our moment-to-moment experience of life. They tell us the extent to which our perceptions are distorted by our moods and thought systems.

The counselor finds and fans any spark of intimacy that exists between the partners. The couple begins to feel closer to each other and more hopeful about the relationship.

The counselor describes how insecurity distorts behavior in relationships.

He or she suggests that the relationship is not in as bad shape as it seems. The clients begin to see the spiral of emotional reactions that destroyed the closeness they want. They begin to see innocence in themselves and each other.

The counselor demonstrates that maintaining a sense of well-being is all it takes to make the relationship enjoyable and easy.

The counselor teaches them the building blocks of human psychological functioning: thinking, moods, mind-sets and feelings.

Understanding these principles enables the couple to create and maintain a sense of well-being and to feel warm and respectful toward each other, even in hard times.

According to the couple’s needs, the counselor discusses relationship-related subjects such as what the past really is, how to forgive and forget, how to use feeling as a compass of relationship well being and how compatibility is the result of the feeling, not the cause.

To get a fresh start in a marriage, we must know that the so-called “issues” in a marriage are symptoms and not causes of disharmony.

A misunderstanding of the deeper dynamics of a relationship.

Compatibility has to do with how you think and feel and not with how different you are.

THE COMPATIBILITY MYTH

Don’t personalities have to be compatible for a marriage to be successful?

A couple must feel compatible and close for a marriage to work.

Complementary and incompatible are two conclusions about the same situation, two sides of the same coin.

When differences are viewed with respect, partners are viewed as complementary.

Respect and affinity are the feelings that turn the personality differences into assets in a relationship.

Thoughts of incompatibility are a sign that the respect and affinity level in the relationship has slipped. It is always humbling to realize that today’s incompatibility was yesterday’s refreshing difference.”

The two perspectives are just one thought apart.

HOW THOUGHT CREATES INCOMPATIBILITY

To be close to our mates and enjoy their company. Closeness, a warm feeling of affinity, is the cake and the frosting.

Dissimilar values and economic incompatibility don’t matter if the emotional connection is there.

Warm feelings give people a positive outlook.

It is only when we lose good feelings that the qualities we think we want in a mate become important to us.

In fact, the number and strength of our wants is an excellent indicator of relationship well-being.

When we start to feel we are not getting what we want in our marriage, we know our level of intimacy is low.

Being close helps us to get the things we want, such as a good sexual relationship or material luxury, because intimacy leads to good teamwork.

Closeness brings out the best in each person.

It also inspires both partners to attend to the things that are important to their mates, making it easier to realize their joint and individual goals.

It is the thought of incompatibility that creates the feeling of incompatibility.

Natural compatibility is upset by negative thoughts and judgments.

If I am with a person and I entertain negative thoughts about how that person lives or is, my positive feelings begin to disappear.

When people are insecure, what they want and don’t want feels a lot more compelling to them.

But when our spirits are high, we’re more understanding.

We can see both sides more easily. We see that “issues” are not as important in the grand scheme of things as we thought they were.

In other words, it’s normal for us to be stubborn when we’re in a low mood and magnanimous when we’re in a higher frame of mind.

The cake is feeling contented inside. In your marriage, the cake is sharing good feelings as a couple. But couples can lose sight of the closeness in their marriage when they search for the specific conditions they think they want. Often, the only reason they want those specific conditions is that they assume they will bring more love.

Be careful not to hurt each other’s feelings over the issue.

We have to be more gentle with each other and more open just to enjoy each other.

Thoughts of compatibility or incompatibility are a compass that reacts to your level-of-closeness to the other person. When you are feeling close to your mate, you will not entertain thoughts about how compatible you are.

Remember that today’s incompatibilities were yesterday’s refreshing differences.

Those differences represent opportunities to learn from each other. If you take the role of the student, the respect you show your mate will raise the level of the relationship.

Communication enhances a relationship that is on track. If a relationship is off track, communication is, at best, like brushing your teeth right before you eat candy.

At worst, communication is tantamount to brushing your teeth with a tooth brush dipped in plaque.

THE COMMUNICATION MYTH

Doesn’t clear communication automatically improve the quality of a relationship?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

Positive communication does deepen the feeling between two people.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

The couple told the counselor they had a “communication problem.” They said they had bad feelings toward each other. The counselor responded, “It’s a good thing your communication is poor. Just think how terrible you’d feel if you could get your ill feelings across to each other.” The counselor then helped the couple find a close, warm feeling in their relationship—he facilitated a change of heart. When they felt close, they saw the problem in their relationship was the feeling, not the communication.

Communication is a pipe through which feelings pass. If the feelings are positive, the relationship will be uplifted. If they are negative, the couple’s level of closeness will drop.

In a relationship, then, the quality of feelings that passes through the communication pipe determines the state of that union. What brings new closeness and goodwill to a relationship is more positive feelings—not more talk. Good feelings are expressed in all kinds of ways besides talk. They radiate from your presence.

When we communicate from drunkenness, anger or happiness, what we say can only be understood within the context of that state of mind.

If the two of you start a discussion at 7:10 P.M. and at 7:30 you feel closer, you are making progress. Your level of closeness is a moment-to-moment measure of your progress.

There is no such thing as a productive discussion that alienates its parties.

There is no such thing as an unproductive discussion that brings two people closer together.

Communication takes care of itself. It’s the feelings that need to be tended to.

Each of you is probably seeing things a little bit differently than before, a little more optimistically. (They nod.) If you share these positive thoughts, they will help the relationship to spiral up. Believe me, these positive thoughts are just as real as the negative thoughts. It’s only force of habit that makes you dismiss positive thoughts and stick with the negative.

You have to learn to trust it. Any time you can share hopeful, high-spirited thoughts, your relationship will benefit.

Positive thoughts are just as real as negative thoughts and feelings. In fact, they’re more real! Negative thoughts are always associated with fears of the future and negative memories of the past, and only the present is real.

Left off here

You don’t have to feel this way all the time to have a good marriage. You just have to remember that when you slip into the doldrums, your thoughts and perceptions will go with you. If that happens, don’t take your thoughts too seriously.

If you communicate those negative thoughts to each other, believe me, they’ll seem more real. If you must share them, though, warn the other person it’s your mood that’s speaking, not you

communication isn’t nearly as important as how we feel when we communicate

Communication is to relationships what mopping up spills is to housecleaning. You need to clean up messes, but the idea is not to make them in the first place.

When your spirits are low is when you are most compelled to “talk about things” and least advised to do so.

Many of the statements you make then will seem false or damaging from the perspective of a higher mood.

If you must communicate when you are both down, head for the high ground—the positive and hopeful.

You can always share possibilities and visions, discuss how difficult it is to see things accurately in a low mood, how much you want the same thing, how deceiving appearances can be and the things for which you’re grateful. These subjects will lift your mood as you discuss them.

Listen for the spirit behind the communication. When you are touched by feelings, you have gotten what that person has tried to say.

You will feel enriched and the other person will feel heard.

Use your level of closeness as a compass to assess how well your discussion is progressing. If, after ten minutes, you are feeling closer to each other, continue on the same track. If you feel more distant, stop, and give it another try later

If you want to continue, start all over and head the discussion in another direction. There is no such thing as progress in a discussion that alienates the participants

When our thinking is negative, our feelings and perceptions will exactly reflect those negative thoughts and feelings in that moment. If we trust those perceptions and feelings, our lives will take a turn for the worse.

THE MOOD MYTH

Isn’t “getting to the bottom of it” the best way for a couple to handle a low mood?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

It’s important for you to support your partner when he or she is feeling low

The best way to help a person in a low mood is to be understanding and overlook the effect mood has on his or her behavior

If you maintain your sense of well-being, your partner can make contact with your sense of well-being for support, much as a drowning person might reach toward someone on the shore.

If you try to reach out and pull the person to shore however, you are likely to end up in the water, too

Whatever mood a person is in is his present reality. If you try to coax him out of it, you are likely to end up in a low mood yourself

Warmth, understanding, compassion and a respectful sense of humor are the only forces that can help a person who is struggling with a low mood

Human beings constantly move up and down the mood continuum. Some mood shifts are dramatic and some are imperceptible.

The thinking that creates low feeling states often has many of the following characteristics:

1. Our mental activity—or thinking velocity—increases.

2. Our thinking gravitates to problems and dissatisfactions

3. We experience a heightened but distorted sense of immediacy. For example, we think we must do something right away about our circumstances

4. We feel self-conscious. It seems we are the center of everybody’s attention

5. We have a pessimistic outlook. We notice limitations and are blind to possibilities

6. We entertain many negative thoughts emotions and concerns

It is not the mood, the feeling state, itself, but how we relate to it that determines the quality of our life. It is our thoughts about our moods that cause us distress. We fear the moods are “real,” that they will last forever

Understanding the relationship between thought and feeling determines our level of well-being independent of our moment to moment moods.

With this understanding we become grateful when our mood is high and graceful when it is low

Understanding how our thinking is related to our feelings and perceptions allows us to calibrate to moods.

When people don’t realize they have moods, they are hoodwinked into thinking it is “reality” that is changing, not just their thoughts.

All people tend to experience high moods in the same way—they’re relaxed, energetic, in good humor, patient, carefree and compassionate.

There is a large variation, however, in how people experience low moods

Some get aggressive and belligerent when they are down. Others become quiet and distant

Moods, even low moods, provide an important function in the human experience. Moods are a navigational system. The specific feeling state we are in at a given moment tells us the quality of our thinking in that specific moment.

We know that our thinking is the cause of the feeling even though we may not know what those specific thoughts are

When people lose sight of the source of feelings, they mistakenly attribute their feelings to outside sources. They mistakenly think that our feelings inform us about the world at large

are my feelings being generated from within via thought or are they being imposed on us somehow by circumstances and events beyond our control?

The conclusion is that all feelings come from our thoughts

If life is an elevator, moods are the floors we visit. Let’s explore five floors (among an infinite number):

1. Gloom and Doom

My high school mates are doing so much better than I am

I’m getting old and my job is a dead end. Why is everyone always judging me?

1. All Is Not Right With The World

There are many villains out there

I don’t like my life. It’s not fair that I put out fifty-two percent to my wife’s forty-eight. I can see many defects in my job

1. I’m okay. Life’s okay

My job is good when I have the right attitude. My mate isn’t as bad as I thought

I feel contented.

 1. Gratitude

People are so well meaning. There are so many great jobs

I’ve got a better deal than my mate. Life is so interesting

1. Inspiration

My work energizes me

There is no way to go wrong in life. My mate is my best friend. I have more ideas than I can use

If you could remember that thoughts and feelings coincide, you would be a comfort to Helen. You would also be less likely to get carried away by your work during your temporary moments of insecurity. Also, you wouldn’t take Helen’s words and actions personally when she’s in a bad mood. You’d be able to relate to what she is going through. Your heart would go out to her—not in sympathy but in compassion for what it’s like to be frightened by your own thoughts. As you begin to see past her moods, she will begin to see past them, too.

Soon, moods will just come and go without any drama or conflict

1. Nothing needs to be “done” about moods. They come and go on their own. The less attention we give them, the better.

2. When you are in a low mood, don’t make important life decisions. Your thinking is not as sound as it is in a higher state of mind.

When others are in a low state of mind, put everything they say or do in that context. Don’t hold it against them or try to argue with them.

Being understanding will help others to feel better.

As you begin to see people’s moods, you will see how to stay out of their way when they are low. You will also learn to what extent you can trust what they say and do.

Stay open to the possibility that your mood might change at any minute. Just realizing that “it is just your thinking” will usher in new thought that will change your feeling state

People generally handle emotion in one of two ways:

They indulge their emotions and ride an uncomfortable roller coaster

They run away from them and become distracted and hardened

There is a third alternative: realize that emotions are only thoughts.

enjoy emotional stability, while staying in touch with their feelings.

THE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS MYTH

Don’t negative emotions have to be expressed to clear the air?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

You want to be aware that you are in a negative frame of mind.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

Unpleasant or negative emotions are thoughts that contaminate the natural good feelings that exist between people. If you eliminate your negative thoughts, you will experience greater warmth and love toward your partner.

realizations that can offset negative emotions:

Negative emotions are just thoughts; they have no life of their own.

When a thought is not in your mind, it does not exist.

Negative emotions only rear their ugly heads when we are in a troubled state of mind. When we are feeling magnanimous, we experience positive thoughts.

You will see that the same event or person provokes different feelings when your state of mind changes.

You might see a car as a “clunker” if you’re in a bad mood—and a “classic” in a good one.

The easiest way to rid your mind of negative emotions is to dismiss them as you would any distracting thought.

We constantly can and do dismiss thoughts we deem extraneous and nonproductive

It is only our misguided judgment about what is extraneous and unproductive that supports the presence of negative thoughts in relationships

Human emotions are illusory

each emotion was a mirage created by the convergence of circumstance, perception and interpretation

Each emotion was understandable in context. As the interpretation changed, the emotion changed accordingly

If emotions can be set aside during emergencies, can they be set aside anytime? Sure

As you take the incident less personally, your feelings become more positive

Your emotions are always a perfect indicator of how subjectively you are viewing life.

Emotions do not provide information about the world around us. They do serve as a compass that indicates the quality of our thinking and our present capacity to make sound judgments

Emotions are like goldfish. They will grow to any size depending on how much attention they get

Negative emotion tells us our mental health is suffering, just as physical pain signals that we are abusing our bodies

A change in perspective is needed to right our thinking and regain feelings of well-being

resentments are just thoughts that can be dropped

all you’re doing is following a ritual: you give yourself permission to drop the thought as soon as you express it

Negative thoughts that sit in our minds tend to take on increased focus and importance.

They’re like a burr under a saddle that causes more irritation the longer it stays there. This increased focus and importance cause what you referred t as the “build-up” in your head.

But these thoughts don’t have a life of their own.

They gain importance and attention only because you give it to them

The importance you place on a thought is subjective. The importance you assign it determines the power that thought has over you.

In this case, you’ve given great importance to resentments

You believe resentments are more important and less “dismissible” than other thoughts.

each person’s belief system writes the script and we innocently

act it out

Don’t take negative emotions seriously

1. they provide information about the state of your mind, not the state of the world.

2. When your thinking is contaminated by negative emotions, make as few decisions and engage in as few interactions as possible. This keeps these emotions from

• spilling over into your life.

• When negative emotions occupy your mind, quiet your thinking until they pass.

If your heart goes out to the “wrong-doer,” you will feel compassion rather than resentment

THE COMPASSION MYTH

Isn’t there such a thing as being too understanding?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

There is such a thing as acting against your better judgment because you feel sorry for someone.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

Compassion is a wonderful, warm feeling. To suggest you could have too much of it is like suggesting you could have too much joy or too

much health

unpleasant feelings distort our thinking and lead us to actions we later regret

Compassion is misunderstood and undervalued. Without compassion and understanding, interpersonal friction erodes the good feelings in a relationship.

Compassion is our innate interpersonal lubricant. It is a

blanket of warm feelings that protects us from the rough edges of personalities

Whenever people exhibit counterproductive behavior, you can be sure they are in an insecure state of mind

If they were feeling more secure, they would have the wisdom to avoid those behaviors.

When we perceive counterproductive behaviors in others

our response is either resentment or compassion.

We feel resentful if we focus on the behavior and how it affects us. We are compassionate if we look beyond the behavior to the troubled state of mind that motivated it

We remember how this state of mind wreaks

havoc with our common sense. Our hearts go out to the person

Compassion also protects us against harsh self-judgment. We gain tolerance of our own imperfections. When we feel compassion we can identify with the humanness of life’s

predicaments

We are reminded of how we all occasionally get lost in our thoughts and lose our perspective. Our feelings of humanity are rejuvenated and our spirits rise. The other person gains hope because our spirits have risen from contact with him or her.

Thus, compassion helps the troubled person as much as it protects you. Warm, respectful, hopeful feelings are the best gift you can give a person in distress. Compassion provides the proper emotional environment for the person to recover his or her sense of

security. Compassion always delivers an “I understand” message.

When another person appears to be imposing on us, we are at a crossroads. One fork in the road takes us to resentment, and the other to compassion. Which road we take depends on whether we think of ourselves or the other person

The following illustrates one

person’s experience of the two forks in the road.

Compassion insulated the father from the annoyance of the crying sounds

there is nothing more impractical in life than resentment. Compassionate feelings protect us.

Resentment

and hate obstruct our view of life and impair our objectivity

Compassion protects us from reacting unproductively to the behavior of others. It calms us down and makes us feel more secure

To feel resentment, you look for malice and notice how incidents affect you. To feel

compassion you notice the pain that motivated negative behavior

people relax and perform better in the presence of a supportive person than they do under the watchful eye of a perfectionist.

Human connectedness comes in two forms: sympathy and compassion

When we

sympathize, we identify with another person’s specific plight

We relate it to a similar event that happened to us and re-experience all the same emotions

When we are compassionate, however, we connect with the general human feeling of the other person

feelings of identity and understanding allow us to be appropriately

patient with the frailties of others (and ourselves

sympathy forces us to re-experience painful memories. Compassion, on the other

hand, is a here-and-now recognition of the true nature of life—that we all get crunched by our thought systems sometimes

chart below summarizes the differences between these two types of human connectedness:

  SYMPATHY

   COMPASSION

Accompanying Feeling:

  Sadness

   Warmth

  What You Identify With:

  The Specific Problem

   The Impersonal Fact of Pain and Loss in Life

How You Feel Afterwards:

  Drained

   Exhilarated

  How They Feel Afterwards:

  Concerned

   Expanded and Strengthened

Between the extremes of compassion and anger/resentment, there exists a wide range of

responses

TAKING IT PERSONALLY

You read malice into the situation. You feel outraged and vengeful.

UPSET

Behavior is seen as intentional. You feel angry and upset

BOTHERED

Behavior is seen as negligent and unacceptable. You feel irritated and annoyed

ACCEPTING

Behavior looks innocent. You find the incident interesting

UNDERSTANDING

You see the insecurity behind the behavior. Your heart goes out to him. You feel warmth, compassion

AMUSED

We all have our moments.” You see the big picture and enjoy it.

Remember that compassion helps you

and others.

Believe that every person deserves to be understood. There is probably someone who would list you as an exception to this rule just as you may be tempted to list others.

To find compassion, look beyond the behavior to the troubled state of mind that motivated the behavior

DISSATISFACTION

A MENTAL ILLNESS

A focus on dissatisfactions creates a negative tone that undermines and weakens a relationship.

THE DISSATISFACTION MYTH

Won’t resentments build in a relationship unless annoying behaviors and dissatisfactions are brought up?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

A relationship does need a self-correction mechanism.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

has your heart been in the right place? Deep down, have you tried your best to do right by that person?

people easily see their own good intentions but have difficulty seeing the good intentions of others

In order for a relationship to work, an attitude of trust must be present

We all must live as if our partners have our interests at heart

When the emotional atmosphere of the relationship is cold and negative, the participants back into a protective shell of ego. They begin to look out for themselves. The

deeper they retreat, the less motivated they are to look out for the other person

When a couple is relaxed and happy together they naturally look out for each other’s interests. The goodwill they feel motivates them to please each other, and their relaxed state of

mind enables them to see themselves objectively and implement self-correction

A mind-set is a rigid, limited way of seeing life, an automatic predisposition. A mind-set is like a pair of sunglasses: it colors the way life looks to you.

They are self-validating. For example, suspicious people look for signs of betrayal and find it everywhere. They unwittingly interpret innocent actions as deceitful and detect deceitful actions

where none exist

They are externally validating. Have you ever had a perfectionist looking over your shoulder? Perfectionists tend to make you nervous. You make more mistakes than usual. Perfectionists note these mistakes

of course, and the cycle continues

They lock you into an uncomfortable, but familiar, feeling state

A suspicious person lives in feelings of mistrust. A perfectionist lives in feelings of irritation. These feeling states are so familiar it is hard to imagine

any other experience. Fortunately, all mind-sets provide an uncomfortable, unpleasant feeling. If we mistrust that feeling, we expose the mind-set for what it is.

Anything we spend a lot of time thinking about will become a mind-set

expressing negative sentiments erodes goodwill

if you don’t take your dissatisfaction and criticism too seriously, you will never develop a critical-dissatisfied outlook

Remember, despite appearances to the contrary, your partner wants to be a good mate or friend just as much as you do

Problems in your relationship signal that warmth and affinity are low. Realize that you have probably fallen into a lower state of mind where your sense of perspective is severely compromised

Know that appreciation and trust are

possibilities just as real as problems

Benign neglect—intentionally overlooking a thought—will often have positive effects on a relationship. Once you drop your ill will, your mate will feel more secure and will be likely to correct the conditions that

concern you. Benign neglect can free your mate from the pressure your dissatisfaction places on his or her ego

If you feel compelled to comment on another person’s behavior, wait until you have a positive attitude and feelings of

warmth and respect toward that person

Remember that discretion is the better part of valor. Unless there is at least a ninety percent chance that your talking to the person will improve matters, don’t try it. If your action is unlikely to help, it

makes little sense to add more ill will to the relationship.

Approach the person as gently as possible to minimize the likelihood of defensiveness

The only way we can really change is to change the way we feel inside. Our thinking changes our outlook, and our behavior

follows suit

THE CHANGE MYTH

Isn’t it true that people can’t change?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

People find it difficult to change their behavior patterns at will.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

People change by becoming more themselves and less their conditioning

When a person gets insecure, he retreats to his conditioned personality, a coat of armor made of bad habits

and pretenses

The way to facilitate change is to treat people with understanding and goodwill

Goodwill quells insecurity

It invites people to

drop their armor and be themselves. When the armor goes, people regain the innate assets of wisdom, creativity, humor and compassion—assets that increase productivity and responsiveness in life.

stages of personal change:

OBLIVIOUS

JUSTIFYING

COMPULSIVE AWARENESS

In the compulsive awareness stage, you should pay as little

attention as possible to what you see. Seeing what you are doing in life is good. It prompts you to change. But reacting emotionally to what you see is not helpful. Any feelings of guilt, any willful attempts to change or analyze your behavior are misguided

It’s sufficient for you to

see you have counterproductive habits that disappear when you notice them.

CHANGE

those who have accepted their mates have low motivation to change them and those who haven’t don’t have the right attitude to do so.

feelings of happiness and goodwill inside him, feelings that make life worthwhile. I told him thoughts of insecurity preempt these positive feelings. I said that people do counterproductive things only when they lose

their sense of well-being. These negative behaviors make sense in context because they offer temporary relief from the bad feelings

The feelings are just thoughts. When we are insecure or frightened, we all tend to act counterproductively. Once our thinking calms down, the good feelings return.

once a person

has a moment of truth, he or she is never the same.

He looks at his early years of crime as one would look at a bad dream—with

bewilderment and relief.

THE DOMINO EFFECT

Change is a domino effect: a thought generates a feeling that, in turn, motivates a

behavior

Clearly, the way to change a behavior is to change the feeling that motivates the behavior—the first domino. You do this by changing your thoughts

As our level of well-being goes up we are increasingly insulated from the temptation of habits. Conversely, when we are insecure, habits seem to have a strong hold on us.

OBSESSED

In a very low mood. We lunge into habitual behaviors without seeing the thoughts that precede them

COMPELLED

In a low mood. The thought of the habit is constantly on our minds. It seems irresistible to us. Our willpower has an uphill battle

AT CHOICE

In a higher mood. The two thoughts—“to do” or “not to do”—carry equal weight. Willpower works at this level

TEMPTED

In a high mood. The thought of the habit comes to mind occasionally. We can easily dismiss it knowing it is just a thought with no life of its

own.

FREEDOM

In a very high mood. The idea of the habit doesn’t even occur to us. This is the level where

effortless change occurs

The best way to change a habit is to raise your level of well-being—become happier. When you are happier, all your habits are easier to resist. If you raise your level of security enough, the habits won’t even occur to you

It is a mistake to struggle with your habits. In doing so you are likely to wear yourself out, become discouraged and end up making yourself insecure.

fear is misunderstood excitement. When we contemplate change, we get a bubble of energy. If we are in a state of well-being, we will feel

exhilarated by that energy. If we are insecure, we will get frightened. Thus, our reaction to change is another clue to our state of mind

1. With real change, we don’t make it happen. Instead, we notice it after it has happened. This change happens because it doesn’t occur to us to act in the old way.

2. The internal factors—what we think, how we feel—are forces behind change. If you

try to change at the level of behavior, you are trying to make the tail wag the dog.

People respond to our demeanor. We either bring out the best in people or we bring out the worst

THE PUNISHMENT MYTH

Isn’t it true that punishment and pressure are necessary to deal with a person who stubbornly repeats counterproductive behaviors?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

People struggling with habitual behaviors need some type of support

THE CHANGE OF HEART

again. You are upset and embarrassed. You have been in this unpleasant situation before. You wonder why you always

end up like this. You don’t feel secure enough to admit you are troubled. You are even less likely to admit that you might have contributed to the problem. The people around you are upset with your behavior. What type of treatment do you want from others right now—humiliation

punishment, criticism, anger or pressure

Probably not. Understanding and restored faith in you probably would be your first two choices. Those are the attitudes that bring out the best in you, too.

Pressure and punishment worsen

counterproductive behavior

People with destructive habits are feeling insecure. What they need is understanding and support that will help them regain their bearings. Even behaviorists say punishment will not change the person; at best it will only change the

person’s behavior

Self-esteem, confidence, wisdom and understanding are what allow people to drop destructive habits and make sound decisions in life. All of these qualities are brought out by goodwill, not by pressure and humiliation.

your state of mind alters the behavior of people around you. The way people act around you depends on which of the following two

interaction cycles is triggered by your state of mind.

When approached with goodwill, people listen more openly and respond more cooperatively

Even when an issue is sensitive or negative, a positive internal feeling leads to a productive discussion

The goodwill of each party brings out the goodwill in the other parties to create a positive rapport cycle

On the other hand, if you are feeling irritated at someone, you will find yourself in a negative frame of mind and your interactions

with people are likely to be unrewarding.

When you are in a chip-on-the-shoulder state of mind, you think in terms of pressure and intimidation. Pressure and intimidation insult people and set up a battle of egos

when

you interact from feelings of irritation or anger you tend to bring out the worst in people, creating an ill will cycle.

Diagramed below are the ill will cycle and the positive rapport cycle

It is easy to see why people locked in an ill will cycle experience frustration and complain that people are difficult. When a person feels ill will, he or she is living in a world of active egos and rigid personalities, with scant opportunities for progress and

learning

When a person feels warm and respectful, the above dynamic occurs. He brings out the best in others who know his heart is in the right place. They listen openly, egos at rest, and return respect and warmth by putting themselves out for that person.

Progress and

learning are built into this dynamic. The positive rapport cycle maximizes teamwork and minimizes interpersonal friction.

A CHANGE OF HEART—THE VEHICLE FOR INSTANT CHANGE

Human beings have a miraculous ability: we can change our minds. We all can shift from a negative, judgmental perspective to a positive outlook without any change in circumstances. For lack of a better name, let’s call this phenomenon a change of heart

A change of

heart has the following characteristics:

• It takes a person from a negative, evaluative stance to an appreciative stance.

^

It creates such a complete change in perspective that the person has trouble relating to the way he saw things only minutes earlier.

It can happen any time, without warning. People are often surprised by it

A change of heart is preceded by a moment of truth

The following chart shows how different the same thing looks before and after a change of heart.

The change in perception provides us with a change in feeling

Before a change of

heart, our view is critical and our feelings are therefore negative. After a change of heart, our view is appreciative and we feel grateful. Simultaneously, the nicer feelings generate more positive perceptions, thus creating a positive spiral.

Before a Change of Heart

   After a Change of Heart

  Bob is a difficult person.

   Bob is a “character.”

Life is turbulent.

   Life is eventful.

  That person is annoying.

   That person is endearing

Our house is old.

   Our house has character.

our old thinking drops away and we can take a fresh look at our circumstances

All that is needed for a change of heart is a momentary quiet mind. The man in this story moved from a negative to a positive state of mind without the slightest change in circumstances

Positive feelings are so basic to our nature that they fill our minds whenever

there is the slightest amount of room

Change of heart is the mechanism for saving and improving relationships

If we interact when we feel insecure, our insecurity creates distortions

misinterpretations and misunderstandings

If you are in a state of angry indignation, others will fight you tooth and nail.

1. If you are in a state of annoyance and irritation, others will drag their feet.

2. If you are in a state of contentment, others will join you.

3. If you are in a state of appreciation, others

4. will put themselves out for you.

5. If you are in a state of deep gratitude, others will pull out all the stops to help you.

As your level of goodwill rises, people

become ever more cooperative

I know this may sound simplistic to you, but people don’t respond well to an

adversarial stance. They take offense, as your son has done, and become very stubborn. It humiliates people to be punished and chastised.

I mean that you don’t have a feeling of goodwill toward your son. You’re not on his side right now.

chicken-egg dilemma. You and your son are in a vicious cycle. You’re bringing out the worst in each other. Does that make sense?

Your reactions to each other have polarized your behaviors. Believe me, it’s very common for people to move toward behavioral extremes when egos get involved.

you have to get out of an adversarial stance and get your heart in the right place. If you continue your battle with your son, he’ll just dig in

further. The ego is amazingly persistent. People will bite off their noses to spite their faces if they’re committed to a battle of wills. I’m sure your son would rather count you as friends than as enemies.

Don’t judge him too harshly. Remember that all of your behaviors have been exaggerated. Think for a moment. Wouldn’t you like to start all over as friends and work it out together?

Absolutely. A relationship can always get a fresh start. Kids are particularly good at forgiving and forgetting. What about you, Martha?

all you have to do is forgive and forget all the crazy things that have been said and done. Pretend it’s all a bad dream.

Notice your inner feeling, your state of

mind, before you deliver a sensitive message. If you have a chip on your shoulder, get your heart in the right place. Look inside to find more understanding and compassion. Remember that everyone deserves to be seen in the most

1. favorable light. When your heart is back in the right place, you will bring out the best in others.

2. When you notice defensiveness in a listener, stop, wait and approach that person again with more gentleness and

goodwill. That person will likely respond in kind.

DON’T DEAL WITH PROBLEMS

TRANSCEND THEM

When I tell clients not to work on problems they look incredulous, as if I am telling them not to eat or drink. That’s because everyone assumes that the only way to solve problems is to work on them.

Ironically, a focus on problems is the

number one relationship killer. It lowers your spirits and makes things look worse than they really are.

There is a way to get where you want to go without focusing on problems. This way is so natural and effortless it doesn’t look like you’re

doing anything.

THE PROBLEMS MYTH

Isn’t it best to deal with problems by discussing them up front whenever they bother one partner?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

A relationship needs a way to evolve and find solutions to the issues at hand.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

Problems” don’t really exist. They are mirages that appear to exist when certain conditions are present, such as an insecure state of mind. Problems are nothing more than situations seen through a filter of insecurity.

SITUATION + INSECURE MIND-SET

= THE ILLUSION OF A “PROBLEM”

If you have a sore on your arm, the last

thing you should do is poke at it. Your doctor would treat the wound gently, creating the best possible healing environment. So-called relationship problems should be treated the same way

The thoughts around these issues trigger emotional reactions. If we are not

careful, we will spend our time dealing with these emotional reactions instead of the issue. To treat an emotional sore spot, we should create a secure environment where the problem area can heal.

Often there are many solutions. These solutions are usually obvious to the dispassionate observer, but we cannot see them when our minds are clouded by emotional reactions.

There are two basic human thought models: the problem mode and the solution mode

The problem mode

people analyze, rehash, defend their positions and attempt to convert others to their viewpoint

they achieve a compromise “solution” that none of the parties really likes.

The solution mode

We clear our minds instead of filling them with details. We reflect, look and listen.

Suddenly

out of nowhere, we get an insight

they end up feeling close, and they always reach a consensus

Faith is what keeps us in the solution mode—faith that there

are perfect solutions to our problems and that those solutions will be visible once we calm down and take a fresh look.

How You See It

   How You Will Feel

  Catastrophe

   Depressed

  Problem

   Stressed Out

  Situation

   Interested

  Opportunity

   Grateful

  Windfall

   Exhilarated

The possibilities and limitations you notice are a good gauge for your state of mind. If you see lots of possibilities, your head’s in a good place. If your head is full of limitations, you are in trouble. Push escape, reset or whatever else

will clear your mind. Possibilities will enter your head when you regain your sense of perspective.

When you

hold distracting thoughts like doubts and alternatives in your mind, you can’t put your full attention on what you are doing

That would be a good definition of commitment: dismissing doubts and

alternatives in the name of enjoying your project or relationship more.

There always comes a time when an issue becomes easy to talk about. Every situation gets “ripe.”

When you think or talk about an issue and your feeling of well-being drops, you should back away from it. A low mood will handicap your thinking and increase your susceptibility to emotional reactions.

There is an obvious answer to every

problem. Being too close to the problem is the reason these solutions are not apparent. That’s why consultants can instantly see solutions to problems that clients have struggled with for years.

A problem does not look like a problem

when it is seen in the right light. It looks like a portrait of circumstances, or even an opportunity.

THE CONFLICT MYTH

Isn’t some amount of fighting or arguing always part of a healthy relationship?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

We might entertain occasional antagonistic or

judgmental thoughts about our mates.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

Antagonistic thought need not be acted out through arguing or fighting. When negative

thoughts are taken in stride, they will not affect the relationship adversely.

Understanding resides midway between thought and action. When we understand that thoughts have no power without our will, we can easily keep them from dictating actions. The progression from

thought to behavior is a function of our level of understanding. In marital disputes the progression is usually as follows

Depending on your state of mind, your reaction to “conflicting” viewpoints can range from horror to delight. You may be:

1. Horrified at the ignorance and stubbornness of others

2. Fearful that other people might impose their misguided views on you

3. Bothered that others don’t see the truth

4. Irritated that others have different viewpoints

5. Interested in the fact that we are all different

6. Grateful that we can learn from each other

7. Amused

8. Delighted

HOW PEOPLE DEAL WITH OPPOSING VIEWS—THE OPTIONS AND THE RESULTS

BLOCK AND CENSURE THE OTHER

PERSON’S OPINION

censorship often leads to an underground resistance that can become formidable. When parents use this strategy with their children, the children may run from home or create a “secret life.

STRONGLY OPPOSE

You allow the person to express his or her differing opinion, but you attack it with all your forces.

Your strategy is to put up so much resistance that the person will choose to keep his opinions to himself. In a marriage, a partner

employs this strategy by putting down the spouse whenever a view is expressed

ARGUE

The intent of this strategy is to change the other person’s view

The assumption is that if you could show the other person the logic that supports your view, he or she would drop the faulty view and adopt yours. The problem is

the other person also has a logic, which supports his or her view as strongly as your logic supports yours

Arguing polarizes viewpoints. Often you end up supporting a position you don’t even agree with just for the sake of being “right.” Egos do not allow us

discuss things constructively

ACCEPT OR ALLOW FOR DIFFERING VIEWS

Using this strategy, you simply accept that we

all have different realities, without judging or assessing, just as you accept certain laws of physics such as gravity

allows the other person to express his or her view without opposition

Stated views tend to evolve. When you get a clear view of your opinion, you will

usually improve upon it

Expressing the ideas in a friendly forum lets people examine what they think and learn from the process. If the environment is adversarial rather than receptive, the person is defensive, unable to learn and ever more rigid in that view

WELCOME AND RESPECT DIFFERING VIEWS (“CULTURAL EXCHANGE”)

The most productive strategy in communicating is to learn from other views

There is always a grain of truth in every view that opposes yours

The difference between accepting and welcoming differing views is measured in the amount of respect

accorded to others’ opinions. The more respect the better the response

Others make that extra effort to express themselves. They become better listeners. The rapport that results from this strategy creates a high level of intimacy

When you feel compelled to argue, you

know you are momentarily insecure

All belief systems are self-validating and inclusive enough to provide an answer for every argument

The quality of your teamwork as parents depends on how you respond to differences of opinion

If you respond well to them, different points of view are not a problem. If you respond counterproductively, then differences of

opinion lead to conflict and stress.

look at the truth in what Karen is saying rather than what you disagree with. Karen understands children need some limits

some structure to guide them

Just listen and you’ll get some respect for her thinking. You might even be able to learn from each other.

Karen understands that children need guidance and firmness. She reacts to you when you give in to the children in a moment of weakness. She thinks this

creates a bad model for them.

I know I shouldn’t go overboard to please them like I sometimes do, but I’m reacting to Karen’s rigidity. I also know it doesn’t work to base my treatment

of the kids on my reactions to Karen

I’ll have to admit I’m too harsh and overbearing sometimes, Gerry. I respect that you’re more patient and more forgiving.

You are beginning to get respect for each other and to examine your positions. Can you see how the discussion is progressing with the stance you’re taking now?

Each of you has a tremendous amount to contribute to your parenting relationship. Karen, you are grounded in setting limits and teaching the children responsibility. Gerry, you are grounded in

the realization that whatever is done with the children should be done with the right spirit. If you respect each other more you can learn from each other.

appreciate that he insists on things being nice for the kids. I was brought up in a family that was pretty grim and serious. One thing that attracted me to Gerry was his commitment to happy endings. I realize how I had begun to take that for granted

have tried to make him more hard-nosed instead of learning to be more flexible myself.

Gerry. Could you talk to us about dealing with specific subjects, like chores? Should we require the children to do chores?

Chores help a child learn responsibility and contribute to the family. Chores must be administered in the right spirit, though, or they lower the child’s self-esteem and foster a bad attitude about responsibility.

If you listen for what you disagree with, you’ll hear the personal belief component and end up arguing. If you listen for the truth in what the other person says, you’ll hear the

common sense component and learn from the interaction.

Let’s each make a list of what we think each kid should do. Then we will go over it and see if we think they can do each thing. We will make sure we are not giving them too much.

Realize that arguing and fighting are not productive. The insecurity in a conflict environment minimizes learning.

See different viewpoints as an opportunity to understand each other better.

Listen for the truth in what the other person is saying when there is a difference of opinion. The other person will find it easier to communicate in a non

adversarial atmosphere. You will find yourself learning from each other.

THE STALE MARRIAGE MYTH

Don’t most marriages eventually “grow stale?”

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

If relationships don’t evolve and deepen, they do tend to get stale.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

As marriages evolve, they quiet down. They get deeper rather than more stimulating. More stimulating, is like a back scratch. Deeper is like

a back massage

Deeper is more satisfying but less dramatic. It seldom occurs to people that the reason they seek so much excitement is that excitement is not very satisfying

A couple’s sex life reflects this principle during the first two years of marriage. At first

sex is the major source of intimacy in marriage. As the relationship evolves, intimacy comes more from sharing and companionship than from sex

These more subtle forms of intimacy are also more profound. An “I love you” over the phone, or a moment of silence together after

the kids are in bed, can leave one with a warm feeling for hours. Intimacy becomes more than an experience limited to the bedroom

Couples who don’t appreciate what deepening is become concerned when their relationship quiets down. They think

something’s wrong

They worry they aren’t as sexually active and don’t pursue excitement as much. This concern creates unrest in their minds and, thus, in the relationship

Unrest lowers the intimacy level. Now, they have neither excitement nor intimacy.

They need to see that as a marriage quiets down it becomes more fulfilling. The partners feel more relaxed—more themselves—in each other’s company, dropping even the most subtle pretenses. They become more open to life and to each other

enjoyment with less effort. They become more appreciative. When it is time to be out in the world, they are more rested and refreshed. When a couple acquires a taste for contentment, they truly appreciate the deepening feelings in their marriage

LEVELS OF RELATIONSHIP

CONFLICT LEVEL

Both parties are poisoned by anger and insulted by the treatment they are receiving

They also feel insecure and off-balance, which brings out their worst. There may even be physical fighting and the relationship may feel raw and numb. Communication is difficult and usually makes things worse. A jump in the level of understanding brings hope, patience and

temporary peace

COPING LEVEL

The good news at this level is that the fights can be kept under control. The bad news

maintaining control is a full-time job. The relationship feels unpleasant and strained, burdened by judgments and expectations. Surprisingly, feelings of superiority and guilt often occur simultaneously. Partners find themselves worn out from the constant

demands of “handling” the relationship. Communications are strained and warm feelings are scarce. A jump in the level of understanding helps develop compassion and goodwill.

COOPERATION LEVEL

Planning, coordination and compatibility are achievable at this level because goodwill is present. Both parties trust the good intentions of the other and view counterproductive behavior as innocent and fueled by insecurity

They give each other the benefit of the doubt. Where incompatibility and lack of alignment exist, good communication and mutual support fill the gap. A jump in the level of understanding here provides greater faith and trust

SYNERGY LEVEL

Problems, stresses and incompatibilities don’t even appear at this level. Individual differences are buffered by feelings of appreciation, respect and gratitude

Being together energizes the parties. They talk less and share more positive

feelings. This level brings out the best in everybody. A jump in the level of understanding brings even deeper feelings.

SOUL MATES

You carry the other person in your heart at this level. The couple feels strong kinship and intimacy—as friends, lovers, working partners or family. They want to spend as much time together as possible. Their shared moments have a timeless quality—a little bit goes a long

way. A jump in the level of understanding leads to even more depth of feeling.

stop trying to analyze and “work on” the relationship and concentrate on enjoying each other

If we learn to take leaps of faith we don’t have to fight change until we understand it

Respect familiarity and comfort in a

1. relationship.

2. Take the transitional periods in stride. During these periods, the relationship may seem old because the new experience of the relationship has not yet emerged. Those periods are a sign that a

deeper, more satisfying way of relating is on the way.

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE

TO GET A FRESH START

it hurts to be upset and to bear grudges. Anger and resentment are painful feelings. Why would it be smart to try to feel this way?

self-inflicted

emotional pain, resentments and grudges are just bad habits that make things worse by adding more insecurity to a situation

Forgiving and forgetting are the answer

THE MYTH OF “THE PAST

Doesn’t the past doom some relationships? Isn’t there such a thing as “too much water under the bridge?”

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

Some couples get so discouraged by their painful memories that they give up.

THE CHANGE OF HEART

When a relationship has been troubled for a long time, the partners usually have accumulated painful memories that overshadow their feeling of love. When the feeling of love is obscured, they begin to view each other in a negative light that creates more unpleasant

memories

This in turn lowers the

feeling level, which darkens their outlook further.

This downward spiral continually lowers the level of goodwill between the partners

For the marriage to be “saved,” the spiral must be reversed. This is always possible. There is no such thing as a point of no return in a

relationship. Relationships can always get a fresh start.

The cycle is reversed when partners empty the pool of painful memories from their minds. When the painful thoughts are gone, they will be replaced by warm, positive thoughts and

feelings that lay the foundation for a fresh start. Forgiveness sets this process in motion.

Forgiving results from clearing unwanted thoughts from our minds. We forgive when we use our power of understanding to strip these thoughts of their negative charge

Once a

memory is forgiven, it is easily forgotten

Forgiving and forgetting don’t have to be learned or practiced; these skills are innate

If people can

forget the past in emergencies, they have the power to forgive and forget at will.

People think of forgiveness as a generous act, but it is actually very self-serving. If you have painful memories, you suffer

Forgiveness is the act of seeing those thoughts with understanding. Understanding lets us see the humanity of others and cast offending events in a more positive light. Understanding depersonalizes the event, transferring it from the “this is what happens to me” category to

just another example of what happens in life.

When couples decide to forgive and forget, they relieve themselves of a tremendous amount of pain and begin a new life with new thoughts, new feelings, new possibilities and a new perspective on the past

A fresh start also

leaves couples feeling warm and close. Partners look nicer, more well-meaning to each other

habitual thoughts about their mates are ruining their fun in life and dominating their thinking

People

act out their insecurity by engaging in counterproductive behaviors

Others return tit for tat.

Neither person’s behavior represents the way he would act if he approached the situation with wisdom. When you see the distortion in your behavior, you’ll notice the other person’s behavior is also distorted—it may not represent his deeper

intentions. Now both partners have reached a position of humility.

What the couple needs now is compassion. They need to see the innocence in each other’s behavior, even in the act that launched the downward spiral of reactions

every misguided action is accompanied by an insecure state of mind

If you look into the miscreant’s eyes instead of at

his behavior, you will always see these negative feelings

If he had a sense of well-being, he would have the wisdom to see his actions as counterproductive.

They will see themselves as unwitting players in a comedy of errors, and they will see their history in the light of understanding. They will feel warm toward each other.

The past is no more real than a dream. Once an event is over, it becomes a mere memory. The past has only as much power as you give it through your thoughts

think of the event as a plus. Your inspired state of mind generates insight that helps your life even more. In retrospect it seems you “lucked out.”

take ourselves and our thoughts less seriously

See the possibility of forgiving and forgetting

See how essential it is to your mental health to drop painful thoughts from your consciousness

Find the humility to see that you are both in this together.

1. See the innocence you both possess.

2. Remember that any relationship can get a fresh start today. That exhilarating feeling is always only a thought away!

THE INTIMACY MYTH

Doesn’t intimacy require a large investment

of time, talk and energy?

THE GRAIN OF TRUTH

When couples don’t know where intimacy comes from, they have to exert lots of energy to

get a little intimacy

spend a few moments together with a high level of presence.

If you were more there in the moment, your presence would help to draw Ron out of his distractions. There is nothing like a strong human presence to draw a person into the moment.

levels of involvement as they apply to intimacy:

OBLIVIOUS

You are so absorbed in your thoughts you

hardly notice the other person. He or she may feel insulted or awkward about your neglect.

DISTRACTED

At this level, your thoughts draw you away

from contact with the other person. It is an effort to be fully present. The experience is unpleasant because it takes so much effort. The other person accuses you of not listening. You feel stressed and dissatisfied.

PRESENT

It is easy and satisfying for you to feel present with the other person. You are warmed by the contact. People say you are nice to talk to.

IMPACT

The feeling at this level is very strong. You are touched by the people you are with. Your mind is so free of distraction, you lose your sense of time. The experience is very rich. The person with you feels some chemistry with you

Your

intimacy automatically deepens over time.

ONE MIND

Your mind is so free you understand each other with very little conversation. You feel so

close to each other you would swear you have known each other longer than you actually have. This level just seems to happen and when it does, it is memorable.

IN A NUTSHELL

Realize that any extraneous thoughts we have on our minds detract from our closeness to others.

Begin to appreciate feelings of closeness.

Remember that intimacy is a momentary experience that has nothing to do with time or conditions

COMMITMENT

The more engaged we are, the larger our capacity for commitment.

Full involvement works out best for all parties. What limits our level of mental

involvement is insecurity. When we indulge concerns, fears and doubts, we are too distracted to be fully involved. We are holding back.

commitment is very self-serving

Commitment can be defined as a wholehearted, single-minded predisposition to

a person or activity

People make a commitment in order to enjoy someone or something, not because they already enjoy someone or something

Distraction and ambivalence tell you your commitment is weak. Commitment is a stance

toward life, a predisposition to get the most out of each experience by dismissing thoughts and reactions that detract from its value.

Commitment to other people means seeing each person in the best possible light. To do this, we dismiss personal emotional reactions

that might lessen enjoyment of others.

The ultimate interpersonal commitment is to forgive and forget any residual thoughts that interfere with affinity and respect. Our special commitment to our mates requires us to dismiss adverse circumstances and emotional

reactions

The benefit you get from commitment is peace of mind on both sides. Your partner

benefits from knowing you are committed to maintain respect and affinity. He need not fear that circumstance and personal reactions will hurt the relationship.

Commitment prepares the mind for full involvement and guards against distractions.

Putting your whole heart into a relationship is the only way to get maximum value from it

my focus on shortcomings and problems was souring my perspective and compromising the experience

Consumed by problems and fearful thoughts, you are too preoccupied to notice, never mind enjoy, what’s going on around you.

The problem is, you are taking your thoughts so seriously that you are lowering your well-being. As your level of well-being drops, you entertain more negative thoughts, and the downward cycle continues.

INDULGING YOUR CONCERNS

Fears, doubts and concerns are like flies that keep you from enjoying a picnic. Negative thoughts contaminate relationships

Your

concerns and fears will dominate your experience if you are too insecure to dismiss them.

FREE TO ENJOY

JUMP IN WITH BOTH FEET

You refuse to indulge in insecure thoughts that would keep you from enjoying the other person. You dismiss any negative thoughts. As a result, your involvement level is high enough to set a spiral of closeness in motion: you get more relaxed so that you feel closer, so that

you enjoy the other person more, so that you get relaxed and so on.

SWEPT AWAY

The feelings of love and gratitude are so strong you think you have found “the one.” This level evolves naturally from the “jump in with both feet” level.

People in love see the beauty in life. Call

A couple with a warm affinity bring out the best in each other. They treat each other like royalty and respond eagerly

Feelings

of security subdue their egos and disruptive personality traits

A positive emotional climate elicits creativity and wisdom. A positive relationship makes geniuses and heroes out of ordinary people

Warm feelings in a relationship foster good teamwork. The better the feeling, the more productive the partners are

together. “Synergy” is an advanced level of teamwork that allows partners to work as one. Working at a synergy level is effortless, efficient and invigorating

Couples with a high level of goodwill are insulated from adversity

Adversity brings

them closer together and strengthens their bond. Goodwill makes it easy for them to correct mistakes in the relationship. They trust each other. When negative experiences occur, partners are grateful that negative experiences are an

exception to them

our feelings come directly and exclusively from our thoughts. Any feelings we have in any given moment will always reflect our thinking in that

moment

the sole contributor

THE PRINCIPLES

The Principle of Thought is that every

person on earth has the power to create ideas, images, perceptions and memories within our own minds.

The Principle of Consciousness is our ability to form feelings from our thoughts. All of our feelings come from our thoughts

The Principle of Mind explains that we are part of a larger, intelligent system. As part of this larger system, we can experience the power of new thought and, therefore, new experiences.

thought is transient. Our thoughts are constantly changing. Even the same memory or idea will look different to us at different times of the day. Because of the ever-changing nature of our

thinking, we can characterize thought as being illusory rather than fixed and solid.

Thoughts come and go uneventfully through our minds if we let them do so. When we fixate on a thought, it stays in our mind. Thoughts stick around according to how much

importance we place on them

Chronic unwanted thoughts, and their respective feelings, are innocently held in place if we believe them to belong to external realities rather than being temporary and unimportant

If you enjoy your partner and think she’s

wonderful, then that is what your thoughts are telling you. If you see beauty and goodness in your partner, then that is what your thoughts are telling you. It’s no less your thoughts when you see faults and ugliness in your partner

do you think that thoughts rooted in shallow, trivial observations are your truest reality? Or is your truest reality those thoughts you have that are

rooted in something deep, sincere and fundamental?

THE GET OVER YOURSELF MODEL

By requiring your partner to be in charge of your emotional state, you are not only giving them an immense, impossible job, but also

disregarding your own power over your thoughts, feelings and emotional reactions

You don’t have to spend time looking for your own sensitivities and avoiding your partner’s sensitivities. You can accept that

getting upset, or moody, or resentful is a part of the natural ups and downs of life and doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong

Rather than holding on to upsetting feelings, you can spend your time enjoying your partner’s company and relaxing into the

relationship

When you do get into an emotional reaction, it helps to notice that you have lost your bearings and that any unwanted feelings you are having are temporary. You can remind yourself that it is realistic and beneficial for you

to get over your unwanted thoughts and feelings. Nothing wrong or bad is happening; it’s just a natural part of being human

You’ll find that the ‘Get Over Yourself Model’ has a learning curve. You will get better and better at getting over your emotional

reactions and returning to the well-being you had before the reactions occurred. You will also find that your emotional reactions will happen less frequently, for a shorter period of time and, most importantly, that they will take less of a toll on you when they do happen

will become more resilient

I see getting over myself as not only beneficial to me, but in the service of the relationship. It isn’t so much giving in, as it is not letting your mind get bogged down with negativity and emotional reactions

When you feel better, you will have better ideas, better solutions and better answers

you can get over your emotional reactions, even mid-argument

you will probably notice that sometimes you don’t react emotionally according to your usual

patterns. There are exceptions. You may also notice that sometimes you react stronger than you do other times. Thus, your suggestion that there is a direct cause-and-effect is not true. It is just a statistical correlation.

adopt another model:

I won’t hold you responsible for my reactions. I’ll just get over my reactions, and you get over yours

PRODUCTIVE CONVERSATIONS

HOW TO MAKE IT HAPPEN

GOOD LISTENING

THE OVERLOOKED RELATIONSHIP SKILL

Were you able to hear something new in what was being said?” I

Good listening keeps partners interested in each other.

actually curious to hear what he had to say. I didn’t assume why he said the things he did

and I asked questions to find out what he meant when I was confused.

LISTENING TO KEEP THINGS INTERESTING

couples

who have recently fallen in love are often the most curious about how their partners see the world. They frequently ask the question, “Why do you feel that way?”, or say, “Tell me more about that.” The curiosity and interest is what keeps the relationship fresh and interesting

Couples commonly revert to the ‘bad listener model’ when they talk to each other. They project their own thinking on each other and don’t even notice that they are doing it. They just fill in the blanks and assume the other person thinks the way they would think under

those circumstances. If they do this often, they lose curiosity for the unique ways their partner actually sees the world

When a couple sees listening as an opportunity to get into another person’s world

there is more clarity in the relationship, fewer misunderstandings and more interest and excitement between partners. It feels nice to be heard, but it can feel just as nice to listen

Perhaps one of the most effective tests for if you are a good listener is if you feel compassion for the person you are listening to

Compassion is when your heart goes out to the speaker.

Having compassion proves that you are taking in what someone is saying and that you are allowing it to affect you

compassion

is healing. It erases what ‘has been’.

If what ‘has been’ is a fight or a heated argument, compassion erases the hurt and anger. If what ‘has been’ is resentment from a misunderstanding, compassion erases it. Compassion is a cure for grudges. Compassion

is a powerful feeling, and it helps relationships move in a positive direction. And it comes quite naturally when people truly listen to each other.

CAN YOU BE HAPPY WITH ANYONE?

turn their attention away from each other’s frailties and instead focus on the goodness and humanity that is in each of them

you desire to have a good relationship with your

partner, and therefore you already desire to see the good in them

When you see the good and innocence in another human being, you realize that whatever frailties they have are not as devastating to the relationship as it had looked like before

Just as a person slipping on ice will contort their body in strange ways to regain their balance, the person emotionally off-balance will behave in puzzling ways in an attempt to regain their emotional bearings.

Being happy with someone does not come from finding the ideal mate for you, but from you being able to hold on to your goodwill and not focusing your mental energy on

dissatisfaction and judgments. And when you do have those thoughts, remember that it’s just your way of being sometimes. It doesn’t mean anything. You can easily bounce back and regain your goodwill and perspective

If you fill your head with judgments, concern and evaluations of your partner, then you will not be able to fully enjoy the relationship

The Truth (7/10)

This was a very insightful book. Knowing the balance between pain and pleasure is essential to living in modern day society. Where scarcity is no longer an issue. Our brains are not adapted for a world of abundance. So the forces that kept us alive for thousands of years, are now making us miserable. Consider this a primer into understanding addiction and over consumption. And steps you can take to mitigate this.

Summary and Highlights

You can’t fix most problems with rules, any more than you can with laws. They’re too inflexible.

eight basic emotions:

JOY PAIN LOVE ANGER PASSION FEAR GUILT SHAME

Every emotion belongs in one of these categories.

Lying is about controlling someone else’s reality, hoping that what they don’t know won’t hurt you.

If she finds out and breaks up with you, you’re not really in a relationship anyway. With all the lying, you’ve been in your own world the whole time.

If you’d committed to always telling her the truth in the first place, you would have thought twice before cheating on her. So start now, and maybe it’s not too late to include her in your relationship.

When things get hard for you, you start blaming the person you’re with.

None of this has anything to do with her. Just you.

If you ever want to be truly happy in this lifetime, you have to recognize that you’re using sex like a drug to fill a hole. And that hole is your self-esteem. Deep down, you feel unlovable.

Nothing’s going to change until you take deliberate and committed action to change it.

The Addiction Cycle,” with four terms—preoccupation, ritualization, acting out, and shame & despair

CELIBACY/ABSTINENCE CONTRACT

I WILL REFRAIN FROM THE FOLLOWING:

                   Masturbation

                   Implicit or explicit pornographic material

                   Flirtatious, seductive, romantic, or suggestive comments or behavior

                   Seductive attire

                   Sexually overt or covert contact with another person or myself

                   Secretive sexual fantasizing                                        Objectifying, fantasizing, or obsessing                     We don’t meet many people who truly love us, who accept us for who we are, who put us before themselves. Maybe a parent or two if we’re lucky, perhaps a couple of previous partners. So what kind of person rewards someone’s love with lies, betrayal, and pain?

A selfish person. A coldhearted person. A thoughtless person. An asshole. A liar. A cheater. A guy who thinks with his dick.

Guilt is about breaking the rules. Shame is about being broken.

If you have true intimacy with your partner, you won’t need to seek sex outside the relationship.

If you’re addicted to sex, you’re probably co-addicted to something else, like drugs or work or exercise, and this is because you’re afraid of intimacy and you’re afraid of your feelings.

Sex must never be secretive, abusive, a way to alter feelings, or empty of a committed intimate relationship.

If one big-T Trauma is a ten on the scale and a little-t trauma is a one, then ten little traumas can be just as powerful as one big Trauma.

When children experience trauma, they tend to absorb the feelings of their abusers and store them in a compartment in their psyche that we call the shame core. It contains the beliefs I am worthless, I am unlovable, I don’t deserve. Any time you feel one down—or inferior—to someone or you feel one up—or superior—those are false beliefs generated by your shame core. Because, in reality, every person in the world has equal worth and value.

To survive painful beliefs and feelings, we often mask them with anger. That way, we don’t have to feel the shame behind it.

The payoff of anger is mastery, control, or power.

So the anger makes you feel better and one up. And when you use sex to restore power or feel better about yourself in a similar way, this is what’s known as eroticized rage.

Being overcontrolled as a child sets you up to lie as an adult.

So the theory of sex addiction is that when you feel out of control or disempowered, you sneak around and act out sexually to reestablish control and regain your sense of self.

Intimacy is sharing your reality with someone else and knowing you’re safe, and them being able to share their reality with you and also be safe.

When I see another woman, for example, I just tell myself, Bright red apple, wrong orchard.

THE MALE DILEMMA

1. Sex is great. 2. Relationships are great. 3. Relationships grow over time. 4. The sex gets old over time. 5. So does she. 6. Thus the problem.

We can’t just keep waiting for lightning to strike every time we need fire. We have to make fire ourselves.’ They probably thought he was crazy, rubbing rocks and sticks together. Today they’d diagnose him as obsessive-compulsive. But then he gave them fire, and all of a sudden everyone was doing it. You can’t get anywhere as a civilization without that kind of original thinking and focus. It’s people with compulsive behaviors who change the world.”

A lot of times, people in a family think it’s just one person who causes all the trouble. But a family is a system, and a sick person is the product of a sick system.

Fine stands for fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.

They say here that there are three ways of raising children. The first is functional bonding, in which the parents or primary caregivers love, nurture, affirm set healthy limits with, and take care of the needs of the child.

This creates a child who has healthy, secure self-esteem and relationships.

But then there’s neglect, when a caregiver abandons, is detached from, or doesn’t appropriately nurture the child. This can range from a parent who isn’t physically present, to a parent who is physically present but emotionally distant, to a parent who doesn’t provide adequate care or safety, to a parent lost in a work, sex, gambling, alcohol, or other addiction. If you grew up feeling unwanted by or unimportant to a parent, this is a sign that neglect likely occurred.

This creates wounded children, who are often depressed and indecisive, see themselves as flawed and less valuable than others, and feel they can’t face the world alone. In relationships, they tend to have what’s called anxious attachment. They may feel like they’re not enough for their partners.

Become so wrapped up in their relationships that they lose sight of their own needs and self-worth; and be emotionally intense, passive-aggressive, or in need of constant reassurance that they’re not being abandoned.

Here, they call this type of person a love addict.

The third type of parenting: enmeshment.

Instead of taking care of a child’s needs, the enmeshing parent tries to get his or her own needs met through the child. This can take various forms: a parent who lives through a child’s accomplishments; who makes the child a surrogate spouse, therapist, or caretaker.

Who is depressed and emotionally uses the child; who is overbearing or overcontrolling; or who is excessively emotional or anxious about a child. If you grew up feeling sorry for or smothered by a parent, this is a sign that enmeshment likely occurred.

Enmeshed children lose their sense of self. As adults, they usually avoid letting anyone get too close and suck the life out of them again. Where the abandoned are often unable to contain their feelings, the enmeshed tend to be cut off from them, and be perfectionistic and controlling of themselves and others.

Though they may pursue a relationship thinking they want connection, once they’re in the reality of one, they often put up walls, feel superior, and use other distancing techniques to avoid intimacy. This is known as avoidant attachment—or, as they put it here, love avoidance.

And most sex addicts, according to this theory, are love avoidants.

Maybe that’s the female dilemma, She marries someone who’s giving her love and romance, but over time she gets taken for granted or turned into a maid or becomes a baby factory or gets cheated on.

There’s not a single emotional need of hers that’s filled by her husband. Then he has the nerve to complain that she’s not sexual or attractive when he’s drained the life out of her.

The ninth emotion is the death emotion. It’s just feeling nothing.

Self-deprecation is still self-worship, It’s the flip side of the same coin. It’s still about self.

Remember that humor is a wall. It’s a form of denial, just the same as repression, rationalization, globalization, and minimization.

EVERYTHING THAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR BEHAVIOR AND WHY IN 1,800 WORDS OR LESS

In the beginning . . .

You were born.

And like all infants, you were completely vulnerable and dependent, with a new developing brain and no understanding of the world.

In a perfect world . . .

Your parents would be perfect. They would be dedicated full-time to taking care of your physical and psychological needs, always making the right decisions, setting the healthiest boundaries, and protecting you from all harm, while preparing you to eventually take care of your needs without them.

But in the real world . . .

No one is perfect. Neither your parents, nor the other people who play a role in your upbringing. Therefore, along the way some of your developmental needs don’t get met.

And the problem is . . .

When one of your needs doesn’t get met, however big or small, it can leave a wound.

These wounds are known as childhood trauma. Each instance or pattern of trauma can create specific core personal issues and relationship challenges—and if these are left untreated, you’re likely to pass your wounds on to the next generation. Since this trauma occurs early in life, it can affect social, emotional, behavioral, cognitive, and moral development.

It’s not always overt or intentional . . .

Most commonly, people think of trauma as coming from hateful perpetrators who are knowingly and willfully abusive. But even parents who think of themselves as loving or well-meaning make mistakes, cross boundaries, or simply do their best with the limited internal resources they have. And this covert, often unrecognized abuse can, through its constant repetition, leave wounds just as deep as those created by a single malicious act.

It can be an emotional scar . . .

In your earliest years, you’re the center of the universe. Everything revolves around you. So wounds can come from caregivers who are either out of control or completely detached from their emotions around you. When Mom is always full of anxiety as she’s breast-feeding, Dad comes home in a rage every time he has a rough day at work, or Stepdad is depressed by his money problems during the rare moments he spends with you, you soak up these emotions like a sponge, often erroneously taking the blame or responsibility for them. Even if a parent falls ill and passes away, it can seem like abandonment or something you made happen if you’re too young to understand death.

It can be physical . . .

Most people understand that it’s not okay to physically harm or even spank a child. But here’s an example that’s not as obvious:

Any invasive medical procedure—even something as commonplace as a circumcision or getting stiches—may register the exact same as physical abuse if you experience it in your first few years of life. You may even start to distrust your caregivers for bringing you to an unfamiliar place and not keeping you safe.

Often it’s intellectual . . .

After the first few years of life, you start to separate from your parents. In this period, it’s their job to help you become your own person and confidently stand on your own two feet in the world. Here, a whole new set of problems can arise—especially when parents try to over-control you, habitually criticize you, or unreasonably expect you to be perfect. Other families adhere to such rigid rules that any manifestation of a child’s individuality is immediately attacked as a threat. All these can lead to esteem problems later in life.

Or it can take over your entire identity.

Within a dysfunctional family system, each child tends to play a different role that helps the family survive and detracts from its real issues. These can include the revered hero, the troublemaking scapegoat, the neglected lost child, the people-pleasing placater, and the mood-lifting mascot. Later in life, these roles (as well as birth order) can lead to corresponding personality issues, whether it’s the hero’s judgmental perfectionism, the scapegoat’s explosive anger, the lost child’s low self-esteem, the placater’s denial of personal needs, or the mascot’s impulsive irresponsibility.

But it’s not easy to see your own core issues . . .

Your oldest beliefs, behaviors, and adaptations have not justbeen reinforced by decades of habit, but are built deep into the architecture of your brain, which is busy building new neural connections at an astounding rate in early life. As the saying goes, “Cells that fire together, wire together.” So trying to see yourself with any objectivity can be like trying to touch your right elbow with your right hand.

But if you can detach from yourself a little bit, you’ll notice that the things you do and think don’t just come out of nowhere. Here are a few techniques and tools you can use to better understand the way your past can interfere with your happiness, your relationships, and your life today.

You can work backward . . .

Are you relentlessly driving yourself to succeed and beating yourself up when you fail? Maybe that’s because when you were a teenager, your parents made you feel as if your worth as a human being was dependent on your grades, touchdowns, or accomplishments.

Are you out of touch with your emotions because Stepdad always told you to toughen up when you cried? Do you feel deep down like you don’t matter because you were often ignored growing up? Are you always trying to save or care for others because you were never able to save Mom from her depression or addiction? Are you in complete denial that anything was wrong with your family because Dad acted as if he were infallible and must be unquestioningly obeyed, so criticizing him would be like blaspheming God?

Are you getting the hang of this yet?

You can excuse my language . .

Some of you have a big bag of shit you’re carrying around. And every time you encounter a situation in which you can possibly get more shit to put in the bag, you grab it and stuff it inside. You’ll even ignore all the diamonds glittering nearby, because all you can see is the shit.

This shit is known as “the stories you tell yourself".

Examples include generalizations like “I make bad decisions,” “If people saw the real me, they wouldn’t like me,” or, conversely, “No one is good enough for me.” Each of these beliefs can be formed in childhood by, respectively, fault-finding parents, abandoning parents, and parents who put you on a pedestal.

As a result, you can spend much of your life misinterpreting situations and thinking you’ve found more evidence to support these false conclusions formed in childhood. One way to recognize when you’re stuck in your own story is whenever you feel less than or better than others.

You can examine this chart .

Any time you overreact to something—by shutting down losing your temper, sulking, feeling hopeless, freaking out, disassociating, or any of numerous other dysfunctional behaviors—it’s typically because an old wound has been triggered. And you’re regressing to the childhood or adolescent state that corresponds to that feeling.

Note that the wounded child tends to directly internalize the messages that caretakers give; the adapted adolescent tends to react against them.

However, not everyone reacts to the same trauma in the same way . .

And children are born with different predispositions and resiliencies.

So if you remain loyal to people who abuse and mistreat you, that’s called trauma bonding.

If you only feel normal if you’re doing something extreme or high-risk, that’s trauma arousal.

If you’ve developed intense self-loathing, you’ve got trauma shame.

If you find chemical, mental, or technological ways to numb yourself and your feelings, that’s trauma blocking.

And it goes on and on. One pattern of trauma; many different possible responses to it. We’ve only scratched the surface. But at least you know the model we’re working with here

It’s not about blaming but understanding . . .

In summary, we each spend our adult lives running on a unique operating system that took some eighteen years to program and is full of distinct bugs and viruses. And when we put together all these different theories of attachment, developmental immaturity, post-traumatic stress, and internal family systems

they make up a body of knowledge that allows us to run a virus scan on ourselves and, at any point, to look at our behaviors, our thoughts, and our feelings, and figure out where they come from.

That’s the easy part. The tough part is to quarantine the virus, and to recognize the false self and restore the true self. Because it isn’t until we start developing an honest, compassionate, and

functional relationship with ourselves that we can begin to experience a healthy, loving relationship with others

And that,” Lorraine concludes, “is what chair work is all about.”

Believe, behave, become: Believe in you and Ingrid. Behave for Ingrid. Become a nuclear family

think of intimacy as into me I see and I share that with you—that’s intimacy

Intimacy problems come from a lack of self-love

Someone who fears intimacy thinks

unconsciously, If you knew who I actually was, you’d leave me.”

Your wives may think they sent you here because you’re sick and they’re normal, but I’ve never worked with a couple

where one of them had it all together and the other was a screw-up. They’ve got just as many issues as you do. Proof of this is the fact that they’re still with you.”

avoidant gives and gives, sacrificing his own needs, but it’s never enough for the love addict

So the avoidant grows resentful and seeks an outlet outside of the relationship, but at the same time feels too guilty to stop taking care of the needy person

getting

caught. And that shatters the fantasy for the love addict, who experiences her biggest nightmare: abandonment, which replicates her original wound

The pain and the fear are so intense for the love addict that she often develops her own secret life as well. Where the avoidant wants the highs, the addict typically goes for the lows. She wants benzodiazepines, alcohol, romance novels, shopping

till she drops, or anything that depresses the central nervous system. If she acts out sexually or has an emotional affair, it’s not for intensity, but to numb the pain and get away from the agonizing hurt. Soon, the relationship is no longer about love for either partner, but about escaping from reality

A healthy relationship is when two individuated adults decide to have a relationship and that becomes a third entity. They nurture the relationship and the relationship nurtures them. But they’re not overly dependent or independent

They are interdependent, which means that they take care of

the majority of their needs and wants on their own, but when they can’t, they’re not afraid to ask their partner for help.

Only when our love for someone exceeds our need for them do we have a shot at a genuine relationship together

Real intelligence is when your mind and your heart connect.

That’s when you see the truth so clearly and unmistakably that you don’t have to think about it

fact, all thinking will do is lead you away from the truth and soon you’ll be back in your head, groping with a penlight in the dark again

Every word, every step, every action is irreversible. If we step in front of a moving car, if we sign a contract we haven’t read, if we betray the person we love, the best we can do is try to clean up the mess. But no matter how hard we scrub, the stain on reality will never come out. The word you just read can

never be unread

What you’re doing is sexual hoarding. When there’s a problem in your relationship, you feel shame—like something is wrong with you—and there’s an immediate reaction to that called defensive grandiosity. And that’s when

you start checking your hoard of messages.” She shifts in her chair and the blanket slides off her lap. “And that’s fueled by anger, because it drives Ingrid away and makes you feel like you have power

a book from a shelf and hands it to me. The title is Silently Seduced

The three-second rule means that as soon as you see someone and start objectifying them or fantasizing about them, you have a maximum of three seconds to focus on

something else before the thought starts to get too strong and lead you into the addiction cycle. Remember”—he wags a finger—“bright red apple, wrong orchard

You’re as faithful as you decide to be if your brain is healthy. If your brain is not healthy, then you’re as faithful as your options. And we’re going to make

your brain healthy

Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

Following the advice in Silently Seduced

continuously complying with someone else’s priorities at the expense of my own is called pathological accommodation

Resentment is the anger the Avoidant feels because of thinking he or she has been victimized by the partner’s neediness or by the

partner’s ‘demands’ for connection in the relationship.

Dr. Helen Fisher

book Anatomy of Love

our ancestors unfaithfully pair-bonded just long enough to conceive and raise a child until it developed some degree of autonomy

then they moved on to raise a child with (and cheat on) someone else. She describes this as a dual reproductive strategy: serial monogamy plus clandestine adultery

we’ve developed three different primary brain systems for mating: one for sex, another for romantic love, and a third for deep attachment

after the initial intensity of a new relationship, our romance and sex drives often swing toward other people

while

our attachment drive remains connected to our primary partner

this natural ebbing of romance and sexuality can be prevented. The solution, she elaborates, is for couples to do novel and exciting

things together (to release dopamine and get the romance rush), make love regularly (to release oxytocin and sexually bond), cut themselves off from cheating opportunities, and, in general, make sure their partners are “continually thrilling” enough to keep all three drives humming

We all have six core needs: emotional, social, intellectual, physical, sexual, and spiritual.

compersion

that means if your partner has another lover, rather than being jealous, you’re happy

for her because she’s happy

the classics in the field of consensual

nonmonogamy—*The Ethical Slut, Opening Up, Sex at Dawn, Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits—*as well as a lesser-known book from a more therapeutic perspective, Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice on Open Relationships, by Kathy Labriola

the four adjustments

  Turn judgment into compassion and acceptance.

               2.  Transform shame into reassurance.

               3.  Change criticism to appreciation.

               4.  Replace blame with understanding

Kamala Devi

his wife initially had no interest in polyamory. So in order to open the marriage, he encouraged her to date other people while he remained faithful. After letting her enjoy this freedom for a year or so, he gradually started dating as well

You have to make sure they all know you’re a family and nothing ever supersedes the

family. The mantra should be doing what’s best for the community, not for the individual.

Lifestyle

Lounge?”

“No.”

“It’s a website my boyfriend and I belong to. You can find someone there.”

the mistake you made with her,” Nicole jumps in, “is that you made it all about you wanting to be with other people. You should have made it instead about wanting to have sexual adventures together. This way, you can include her rather than

making it seem like a failing on her part.

the burning period, which is the length of time (usually two years) it takes couples who open up to deal with the issues an

challenges that occur as a result

the joys of theoretical nonmonogamy, which is when two people say they’re in an open relationship—but instead of actually sleeping with other people, they just get to feel free knowing they have the option to do so. There’s the jealousy test, which you pass if

you’re able to have a serious relationship with someone who’s sleeping with other people or in love with someone else

fluid bonded, which refers to partners who feel safe having unprotected sex with one another, and veto power, which means that one partner can ask another to end an outside

relationship

Only fear is restrictive. Love is expansive

documentary she recently saw called The Workshop, about a retreat in which participants get naked and have group sex t

heal their shame and find enlightenment

when one person shuts down or throws a fit, the other needs to stay in the adult ego state. If both people descend to the wounded child or adapted adolescent

that’s when all the forces of relationship drama and destruction are unleashed

Perhaps the secret to fidelity is knowing that the grass is crazier on the other side

Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.

Poly works or fails on trust between metamours

A metamour is a partner’s partner

polygamous men live nine years longer, on average, than monogamous men

the Mormon prophet Brigham Young, who, like Father Yod, opened up his monogamous marriage soon after he felt a religious

calling, except that he took on an astonishing fifty-three additional spouses. And they were almost the death of him. At one point, he told his wives to leave if they weren’t happy, proclaiming, “I will go into heaven alone rather than have [you all] scratching and fighting around me.”

a book he recently read called His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley

There is nothing frenzied about debauchery, contrary to what is thought,” Albert Camus once wrote. “It is but a long sleep.

You need to try the only thing you haven’t experienced yet,” Lorraine suggests.

“What’s that?”

“Anhedonia.”

it.

“It’s the dark place of not feeling,” she elaborates. “People feel dead in the place of anhedonia. They can’t experience joy

“Because in order to return to homeostasis and have any clarity on who you are and what you need, you have to detox from the intensity of these one-up, one-down relationships

we are simply too close to ourselves to see clearly enough to get out of our own way

if you have long receptors in the brain’s reward center for the hormone vasopressin, then you’re more likely to be monogamous. If not, then you’re a born player

generally, good parenting will promote better oxytocin and vasopressin systems in the long run, and these are linked with more closely bonding individuals when

comes to romantic relationships. We haven’t published it yet, but that’s exactly what we’re looking at right now.”

The person who is too smart to love is truly an

idiot

Each of you had a mother who was unhappy and who you could not help

functional parenting is the secret to world peace

the only way to make functional parents is to heal psychological wounds with the same urgency that we heal physical wounds

are you are willing to stay in your

marriage, even at the cost of sacrificing yourself and hurting your children?”

grow up emotionally so

that when someone you love doesn’t constantly worship you or do what you want, it doesn’t cause your entire sense of self to crumble

is it possible to live your authentic life if you have inauthentic people around you?

To empty out completely, you need to let go of all the negative messages you received about yourself as a child. And you need to separate

from the lifestyle you created as a reaction to them. So if you want to take back your life, you’re going to be best served by ending contact with every female you’ve ever sexualized.”

The only way to fix a tower with a faulty base is to knock it down and rebuild it over a stronger foundation

  Change my phone number

               2.  Change my email address

               3.  Block all social networks on my computer

               4.  Don’t give my new information to

anyone with tits

You can’t hold onto the vine behind you and the vine in front of you forever. At some point, you have to let go of the past to move forward.

All the things you’ve been trying to get from these relationships—freedom, understanding

fairness, acceptance—are exactly the things that you never got from your mom. So every time you load all that unfinished business onto your partner, you’re setting yourself up for another disappointment

as an adult, the only person who can give you those things is you

if you become the hero in an enmeshed family as an adult, accepting that role will occupy the space your heart has available for a relationship

draw strong boundaries with his parents, even though he feels that they need him right now

story of the Prodigal Son

A father has two sons. The older one is a good son. He does everything he should, pleases the father, and stays on the farm to take care of it. The younger one leaves the family, spends all his father’s

money on prostitutes, doesn’t stay in touch, almost starves to death, and then, finally, returns and begs to be allowed to take care of the farm with his brother again.

When the father throws a huge celebration to welcome his youngest son back home, the older

brother asks, ‘What about me?’ And do you know what the father replies

You worked on the farm because

you felt like you should; your brother came back to work on the farm out of choice. And that is the more meaningful of the two.’”

Love is something about a person, some connection with them, that makes you willing to change.”

It’s always been something that I felt my partner expected or made me do. If I treat it as a choice this time as opposed to a demand, then maybe I can be the Prodigal Boyfriend

You, my friend, are on a deadline to love right now. If you want any hope of being in a relationship with Ingrid again, you’re going to have to attack your trauma with all the commitment you have and every tool there is before that wedding

Only

after you’ve learned how to be alone without loneliness will you be ready for a relationship

As you peel away the layers of the false self, you’re going to start feeling the pain inside that it’s protecting you from. So you’re going to get very raw and uncomfortable before you get better

if you can process all that old pain in an adult, healthy way this time, you won’t need your old walls and defenses anymore.”

If she doesn’t want you back and she’s the catalyst for this change, then she’s the best thing that ever happened to you

force feelings to surface so they can be examined, and to find the deeper causes for your behavior. In that respect, it’s working amazingly well. How you feel during the process is the least important part. So you can feel good to the extent that you’re doing the work to learn about yourself

and you’re willing to look at the feelings that come up. That’s the part to hold on to

I made a mistake by equating variety with freedom

leaving all my options open has kept me too busy juggling them to really live

Studies on choice even affirm that having too many options leads to less happiness and satisfaction.

You have your own internal therapist that is far wiser than any external

therapist you could consult. You just need to find that voice and listen to it.”

I put the photo in a frame and place it next to my bed. And I vow that from this day forward, that child will be protected. He will be loved. He will be accepted. He will be trusted. And all this will be given unconditionally

He will not

be taught to hate and fear. He will not be criticized for failing to live up to unrealistic expectations. He will not be used as a Kleenex or aspirin for someone else’s feelings of loneliness, fear, depression, or anxiety.

start filling him—and me

with the things I needed but never had as a child. When I have a negative thought about myself, I gently replace it with a positive truth. When I make a mistake, I forgive myself. When I’m too thin-skinned or thick-skinned, I gently guide myself back into moderate reality. And when I regress, I silently soothe

myself as if teaching a child not to be afraid of the dark.

I’m reparenting myself. It’s somewhat pathetic that at this age, I need to properly learn how to be an adult. But if the problems I have in relationships are the

result of developmental immaturities, then by nurturing these stunted parts of myself into a growth spurt, perhaps I’ll finally attain the happiness and stability that have eluded me through them all

Each day, I try to take care of the six core needs Lorraine told me about: physical, by surfing and eating healthily; emotional, by allowing myself to experience and express feelings without being either hypercontrolling or out of control with them; social, by spending time with

Adam, Calvin, Rick, and other

growth-minded friends; intellectual, by reading literature, listening to lectures, starting a film discussion group, and, most importantly, simply listening more; and, most alien of all for me, spiritual, through transcendental meditation, which a friend of Rick’s teaches me.

the destructive self and the creative self: the you that damages your life and the lives of others, and the you that brings forth the best in yourself, is connected to others, and is in harmony with the world around you.

Do you see now that the way you choose to live your life affects everything about it?

A cheat here and there is not just a cheat here and there. It’s a break in the continuum of who you are and the person you are in the world.”

WHY I CHEATED

               1.  I didn’t communicate or keep boundaries with Ingrid, so I acted out due to fear of

engulfment.

               2.  I didn’t share my sexual preferences with Ingrid or give her space to share hers, so I acted out due to unfulfilled sexual desires.

  I blamed her for “not allowing me” to fuck other people, so I acted out due to a denial of personal responsibility for my behavior

  I had feelings of worthlessness and low

self-esteem deep down, so I acted out for acceptance and validation

  I had no spirituality and a faulty intellectual paradigm, so I acted out because I believed we’re no different

from any other animal and that’s what animals do, and the consequences don’t really matter to the universe

I think you’re going to understand what I mean now when I tell you the secret to being faithful.”

Don’t trade long-term happiness for short-term pleasure.

Think of intimacy as a fire,” he continues. “The more logs you add to it, the bigger it gets. And the bigger it gets, the less you want to throw water on it.”

My problem before was that the bigger the fire

got, the more I wanted to throw water on it. I was so scared it would consume me

with ambivalence and fear, a living thing will die. So no one who truly loves and is loved can ever be in a cage.”

1. No matter what the situation may be, the right course of action is always compassion and love.

2. As long as at least one partner is in the adult functional at any given time, most—if not all—arguments can be avoided.

3. Recognize when you are backsliding into a childish or adolescent behavior. Then pinpoint what old story is being triggered and tell yourself the truth of the situation. Let go of the lie.

Accept what is

What if . . . Today I will expunge those two words from my vocabulary and replace them with I will

5. Instead of saying “I’m never going to cheat

again,” say, “Today, I’m not going to do that thing that makes me feel weak and shameful about myself again

the fantasy of other people is almost always better than the reality.

6. You can’t have a relationship with someone hoping they’ll change. You have to be willing to commit to them as they are, with no expectations. And if they happen to choose to

change at some point along the way, then that’s just a bonus

7. Communicate and maintain healthy

boundaries. This means finding the proper balance of filtering and protecting your self, thoughts, feelings, time, and behaviors without either closing off behind walls, or becoming overwhelmed or overwhelming

8. Ask yourself throughout the day, “What do I need to do in this moment to take care of

myself?” If you can be aware of what legitimate needs and wants you’re not attending to, and then take actions to meet them on your own—or ask your partner for help if you can’t—that is the road to happiness

No one can make you feel anything and you don’t make anyone feel a certain way. So don’t take on responsibility for your partner’s

feelings and don’t blame your partner for yours. The most caring thing to do when they’re upset is simply to ask if they want you to listen, to give advice, to give them space, or to give them loving touch

Love, honor, and affirm yourself. Whatever your decisions, actions, feelings, and thoughts throughout the day may be and whatever outcome they may lead to, if you are healthy

then they are ultimately healthy

Is it in my highest good?

And, above all, always remember to breathe and be in the moment

as psychiatrist Eric Berne puts it even more

succinctly, “Love is nature’s psychotherapy

I finally understand what the true intimacy that Joan spoke about in rehab actually is: It’s when partners stop living in the past—in their trauma history—and start

having a relationship with each other in the present moment. Love, it turns out, is not something to be learned. It’s something we already have, and we must unlearn in order to access it

I use the four adjustments to turn shame into reassurance.

Shame is about being bad for someone

reassurance is about being good to yourself

not only does it make more sense to respond with compassion instead of criticism, it’s also much easier on everyone involved. It may be the key to a longer, happier life

I always wanted more—more women, more success, more money, more space, more experience, more possessions. Not once did I stop and say, as I do now, “I have enough.

If they’re emotionally healthy adults, then there’s no dilemma that they

can’t work out together. They’re not going to even notice each other aging but just getting happier.

Many of the concepts can be found in the works of

Pia Mellody, James Hollis, Virginia Satir, John Bradshaw, Kenneth Adams, Marshall Rosenberg, Marion Solomon, Harville Hendrix, Salvador Minuchin, Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk, Robert Firestone, and others. I also recommend taking Patrick Carnes’s Post-Traumatic Stress Index test

online to understand the ways your past haunts your behavior today. (Use the original PTSI test, not the revised PTSI-R.) And you may want to email Barbara McNally (the one in Venice, CA) and urge her to publish her own book, because her teachings and wisdom were a big influence as well.

I’m currently keeping an open and expanding list of recommended websites, workshops, and practitioners at www.neilstrauss.com/thetruth

I also have a detailed reading list there, as well as information on trauma-healing workshops that offer

scholarships for those who don’t have book advances to spend.

www.neilstrauss.com/goodtimes

The best thing we can do for our relationships with
others . . . is to render our relationship to

ourselves
more conscious. This is not a narcissistic activity. In fact,
it will prove to be the most loving thing we can do for
the Other. The greatest gift to others is our

own best selves.
Thus, paradoxically, if we are to serve relationship well,
we are obliged to affirm our individual journey

Your Brain on Porn (9/10)

Excellent primer on how addiction wires your brain. Explains the negatives of porn use without going into anything religious. Also gives tips on quitting porn use and includes many anecdotes of people describing how their lives changed when giving up porn use.

Summary and Highlights

Sexual desire is one of our most powerful motivational forces, and has been essential to the flourishing of the human race. Yet pornography transforms that drive into a force that primarily motivates the completely solitary and unproductive activity of masturbation.

The more that people’s reward systems are tuned to forming social connections with others, the more likely they are to be both more physically healthy and more psychologically well balanced.

“I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self.” -Aristotle

Psychiatrist Norman Doidge explains in his bestseller “The Brain That Changes Itself”:

This is how chronic overconsumption can have unexpected effects. It can make us hyper-aroused by our favourite enticements, such that immediate wants weigh heavier than they should relative to longer term desires. It can also sour our enjoyment of – and responsiveness to – everyday pleasures. It can drive us to seek more extreme stimulation. Or cause withdrawal symptoms so severe that they send even the most strong-minded of us bolting for relief.

It can also alter our mood, perception and priorities – all without our conscious awareness.

Harry Fisch book “The New Naked” correlates with reduced grey matter and decreased sexual responsiveness.

Most users regard internet porn as a solution – to boredom, sexual frustration, loneliness or stress.

Besides normal libido they started reporting other positive changes too:

• Depression and social anxiety going away.
• Increased confidence.
• The feeling of fulfilment.
• Being on top of the world.

Studies on appetite show that variety is strongly associated with overconsumption.

Irritability, fatigue, inability to sleep (even sleep aids don’t help much), trembling/shaking, lack of focus, shortness of breath, and depression.

If you don’t realize such symptoms are connected with quitting, but you do notice that returning to porn relieves them, then you are strongly motivated to keep using porn.

Existing studies do find that frequency of porn viewing correlates with depression, anxiety, stress and social (mal)functioning, as well as less sexual and relationship satisfaction and altered sexual tastes.

Poorer quality of life and health, and real-life intimacy problems.

Impaired motivation and confidence, brain fog (inability to focus), loss of attraction to real people, sexual dysfunction, escalation to what users themselves describe as more extreme material over time, and so forth.

Improvements since quitting:

• Social anxiety improved drastically.
• Confidence, eye contact, comfort interacting, smoothness, etc.
• More energy in general.
• Clearer, sharper mind, more concentration.
• More vibrant looking face.
• Depression alleviated.
• Desire to interact with women.
• Boners are back!!

justified it in my head by saying it was ‘healthy for me’ and ‘at least it isn’t a drug.‘

Any of the following may precede or accompany delayed ejaculation and erectile dysfunction:

• Earlier genres of porn are no longer exciting.
• Uncharacteristic fetishes develop.
• Porn use is more sexually exciting than a partner.
• Sensitivity of penis decreases.
• Sexual arousal with sexual partners declines.
• Erections fade when attempting penetration or shortly thereafter.
• Penetrative sex is not stimulating.
• Porn fantasy is necessary to maintain erection or interest with partner.

A few men bounce back in a relatively short time: about 2-3 weeks.

The vast majority of guys need 2-6 months (or longer) to fully recover.

Masturbation/porn can cause PE especially when you start doing it young. You want to reach climax/orgasm quickly because of the fear of being caught. So you teach your mind that when you’re hard your job is to cum quickly and not enjoy the interim sensation.

My mechanistic porn habits have taken away all sensuality from the act of orgasm, turning it into a short spurt and muscle memory twitch of a climax.

Tolerance, which is an addiction process that drives a need for greater and greater stimulation.

When scientists jacked up pair-bonding animals on amphetamine, the naturally monogamous animals no longer formed a preference for one partner.

Too much stimulation weakens pair bonds.

Social anxiety, self-esteem.

As users manage to abstain from porn, their desire to connect with others generally surges.

Often, so does their self-esteem, their ability to look others in the eye, their sense of humour, their optimism, their attractiveness to potential mates, and so forth.

“The Brain That Changes Itself” -Norman Doidge

Females are complimenting me on my looks and body. My awareness around social situations is much better. I can read people’s body language better. People cannot intimidate me as before.

I feel that their anger just bounces off me, and I stay in a serene state.

Have ‘better concentration’, ‘no more brain fog’, ‘clearer thinking’ and ‘improved memory‘.

Addiction neuroscientists have repeatedly shown that internet addiction produces memory, concentration and impulse-control problems in some users, as well as corresponding brain changes.

My mind became very clear, thoughts easily controllable, and I became much more relaxed in general.

I can retain and remember information a lot better. I remember events in my past life a lot better.

I am not irritable, and am more focused. I can execute tasks a lot faster.

I finally have energy again!

When I look in the mirror I feel like my skin has a glow to it.

Quitting isn’t a cure all for your life problems – but it’s the foundation, a ploughed field in which you can sow seeds for a new future that isn’t bedevilled by the secrecy and shame that comes with falling into the seemingly inescapable pit of porn-related despair that so many of us know.

A life of hope and strength, not jizzy tissues, jealousy, bitterness, self-hatred, resentment and unfulfilled dreams.

You wire your sexual excitement to a screen.

Unconscious sexual conditioning can be summed up as, ‘This is what turns me on’ or, at a brain level, ‘This is what jacks up my dopamine’.

This neurochemical reality primes young brains. They learn to define sex according to whatever stimuli offer the biggest sexual buzz.

Once new connections form, teen brains hold tightly to these associations.

Our most powerful and lasting memories arise from adolescence – along with our worst habits.

Methamphetamine and cocaine hijack the same reward-centre nerve cells that evolved for sexual conditioning.

Standard addiction assessment test known as the ‘Three Cs’.

Craving and preoccupation with obtaining, engaging in or recovering from the use of the substance or behavior;

Loss of control in using the substance or engaging in the behavior with increasing frequency or duration.

Larger amounts or intensity, or in increasing the risk in use and behavior to obtain the desired effect; and negative consequences in physical, social, occupational, financial and psychological domains.

Dutch researchers found that online erotica has the highest addictive potential of all online applications (with online gaming second).

Higher hours per week/more years of porn viewing correlated with a reduction in grey matter in sections of the reward circuitry (striatum) involved in motivation and decision-making.

Reduced grey matter in this reward-related region means fewer nerve connections.

Fewer nerve connections here translates into sluggish reward activity, or a numbed pleasure response, often called desensitisation.

Impaired impulse control.

Intense exposure to pornographic stimuli results in a downregulation of the natural.

Both hyper-reactivity to addiction cues (hardcore video) and reduced sexual responsiveness to tamer sexual visuals are not surprising in porn overconsumers.

All addiction is one condition.

Behavioural and substance addiction confirm that all addictions modify the same fundamental brain mechanisms and produce a recognized set of anatomical and chemical alterations.

Here are some brain changes that show up in all addictions, whether substance or behavioural:

Desensitisation, or a numbed response to pleasure. Reduced dopamine signalling and other changes leave the addict less sensitive to everyday pleasures and ‘hungry’ for dopamine-raising activities and substances.

Sensitisation, or an unconscious super-memory of pleasure that, when activated triggers powerful cravings.

Rewired nerve connections cause the reward circuit to buzz in response to addiction related cues or thoughts.

Hypofrontality or reduced brain activity in the prefrontal regions, which weakens willpower in the face of strong subconscious cravings.

Alterations in the prefrontal region’s grey matter and white matter correlate with reduced impulse control and the weakened ability to foresee consequences.

Hypofrontality shows up as the feeling that two parts of your brain are engaged in a tug-of-war.

Dysfunctional stress circuits, which can make even minor stress lead to cravings and relapse because they activate powerful sensitized pathways.

These phenomena are at the core of all addictions.

Ex-porn users regularly report withdrawal symptoms that are reminiscent of drug withdrawals.

Insomnia, anxiety, irritability, mood swings, headaches, restlessness, fatigue, poor concentration, depression, social paralysis and cravings.

Shaking, flu-like symptoms, muscle cramps or the mysterious sudden loss of libido that guys call the flatline.

Not everyone who stops using pornography will suffer withdrawal symptoms, but some do.

The brain’s reward centre doesn’t know what porn is. It only registers levels of stimulation through dopamine spikes.

Dopamine is odd. It shoots up when something is better than expected (violates expectations), but drops when expectations are not met.

With sex, it’s nearly impossible to match internet porn's level of surprise variety and novelty.

Once a young man thoroughly conditions himself to porn, sex may not meet his unconscious expectations. Unmet expectations produce a drop in dopamine – and erections.

Adolescents are especially vulnerable here because their reward circuitry is in overdrive.

Over-sensitivity to reward also means its owner is more vulnerable to addiction.

A natural sculpting process narrows a teen’s choices by adulthood. His brain prunes his neural circuitry to leave him with well-honed responses to life.

Research reveals that erections require adequate dopamine in the reward circuit and the male sexual centres of the brain.

A decline in dopamine signalling is associated with all of these:

• Diminished sexual behaviour, which, as noted, is a possible cause of sluggish erections/climaxes.
• Decreased risk-taking and increased anxiety, combined with a tendency toward angry overreaction, any of which can decrease willingness to socialize.
• Inability to focus, which can account for concentration and memory problems.
• Lack of motivation and healthy anticipation, which can lead to apathy procrastination, and even play a role in depression.

Instead of acting on impulse, you’ll be learning self-restraint and mindfulness with one of your most primal instincts.

Which will flow over into every part of your life and make your life’s decisions be entirely up to you.

When I started this 500 days ago, I had trouble concentrating; I couldn’t commit to a goal for more than a week at a time. Whenever I had a day off I wasted it in lazy indulgence.

Knowing that I could be doing more with my time. Now, I can handle 50, 60 hour work weeks regularly without even noticing it.

Now, I can exercise regularly and stick to it. Now, I’m in a relationship unlike any I’ve ever been in because I can finally treat my partner as another human being rather than sometimes as an object of desire.

Now, I’m constantly improving myself instead of just wishing I could.

Restore the sensitivity of your brain’s reward circuitry so you can again enjoy everyday pleasures.

Reduce the intensity of the ‘gotta have it!’ brain pathways that drive you to use.

• re-establish your willpower (strengthen the brain’s frontal lobes).
• reduce the impact of stress such that it doesn’t set off severe cravings.

The problematic behaviors and symptoms of porn addiction are material in nature. They are inscribed in the structures of the brain. By changing behavior we change those structures.

Over time new ways of life are reflected in changes in brain function.

Artificial sexual stimulation includes anything your brain might use in the way it has been using porn: cam2cam erotic encounters, sexting, reading erotica, friendfinder apps, fantasizing about porn scenarios.

Consistently refuse to activate the porn pathways in your brain.

Freedom lies in allowing it to return to normal sensitivity and weaken any addiction pathways. Only then will you be truly free to set your own priorities without loud neurochemical signals stressing you and overriding your choices.

Tips I see on the recovery forums:

Delete all porn from your devices this action sends your brain the signal that your intention to change is ironclad.

Move your furniture around. Environmental cues associated with use can be powerful triggers because they themselves release dopamine.

Avoid friends, neighborhoods, and activities associated with previous use.

Consider using your online devices only in a less private location, which you don’t associate with porn use. Or transform your ‘porn space’ environment. Get rid of your ‘masturbation chair’ or simply move your furniture around.

Consider a porn blocker and an ad blocker.

Porn blockers are not fail-proof. They are like speed-bumps. They give you time to realize that you’re about to do what you really don’t want to do.

Free porn blockers are available at these sites:

• Qustodio - http://www.qustodio.com/index2
• K-9 – http://www1.k9webprotection.com
• Esafely.com – http://www.esafely.com/home.php
• OpenDNS – http://www.opendns.com/home-internet-security/parental-controls/

Block all sexual categories, all dating categories and all blog categories.

Consider using an ad blocker. That way you won’t have to see wiggling images in your sidebar when making holiday plans or ordering vitamins.

‘AdblockPlus’ is free.

Consider a day-counter.

What matters is not days but brain balance. Brains do not all return to balance on a set schedule.

And while brains definitely need time to reboot, accumulated days aren’t the whole story.

Brain balance also benefits from exercise, socializing, time in nature, increased self-control, better self-care and so forth.

An alternative to setting a long day-count goal is to set mini-goals for yourself

Extinction training

Cue extinction. You weaken the link or pathway between a stimulus and a habitual response

If extinction training (sometimes known as Exposure Response Prevention Therapy) is too risky for you because glimpses of porn sites throw you into a binge, try an indirect approach to strengthening your willpower first (or any beneficial stressor) and meditation are good choices.

Support

Join a forum, get an accountability partner.

Involvement in an online community where others are experimenting with giving up porn is helpful for most people. It can inspire you give you a place to rant, supply the good feelings that come from supporting others, and generate new tips for speeding your progress.

Said one guy:

Sites such as NoFap.org and Reboot Nation facilitate finding accountability partners.

Therapy, support groups, healthcare.

Keep a journal

There are good days and bad days, and on the bad days your brain will try to persuade you that you have made no progress and there is no hope that you ever will.

Often by reading earlier entries from your journal you can swiftly put things back in perspective.

Managing Stress, Improving Self-control and Self-care.

Exercise, beneficial stressors

Exercise seems to be the most universally beneficial distraction from urges, also improves self-confidence and fitness, and is even associated with better erectile function in men under 40.

Exercise is a solid mood regulator.

Can help ease addiction because acute bouts of exercise increase dopamine concentrations, and regular exercise leads to sustained increases in dopamine and related adjustments.

This helps counteract the chronically low dopamine signalling that haunts recovering addicts before their brains reboot.

Visit www.gettingstronger.org for articles and research about the physiology behind exercise, intermittent fasting, daily cold showers, and so forth.

Get outside

Time in nature is good for the brain. It boosts creativity, insight and problem solving.

Get outside into the natural light and breathe fresh air. We weren’t meant to look at glowing rectangles and breathe recycled air 24/7.

Socializing

Humans evolved as tribal, pair-bonding primates. Our brains cannot easily regulate mood on their own, at least not for long.

It’s not unusual to feel anxious or depressed (or self-medicate with an addiction) when isolated.

When recovering users force their attention away from their habitual ‘relief’, their reward circuitry looks around for other sources of pleasure.

Eventually it finds the natural rewards it evolved to find: friendly interaction, real mates, time in nature, exercise, accomplishment, creativity, and so forth.

All ease cravings.

Meditation, relaxation techniques

Daily meditation helps the rational part of the brain, called the frontal lobes, to stay in the driver’s seat.

Meditation thus strengthens what addiction has weakened.

Even as it quiets the primitive parts of the brain that drive impulsive behavior.

Creative pursuits, hobbies, life purpose

Put all your extra time, energy and confidence to use on other efforts that keep you preoccupied.

Creativity is both a great distraction and inherently rewarding because of the anticipation of achieving something important to you:

Limit activities that cause 'empty' dopamine highs, such as frequent, intense videogaming, junk food, gambling, trolling Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter and Yahoo, meaningless TV, and so forth.

Instead, steer for activities that produce more lasting, sustainable satisfaction even if they aren’t as rewarding in the short-run:

Having a good conversation, organizing your work space, receiving/giving a therapeutic massage, goal-setting, visiting someone, building something or gardening.

Attitude, Education and Inspiration

Be gentle with yourself.

You don’t let that urge go anywhere. You say ‘no’, that one time, and you do that every one time that it comes up. That's it. Not X days of constant willpower, just a subtle lifestyle change, a quiet ‘no’ whenever the random desire flickers up and tries to take hold.

Common withdrawal symptoms include: irritability, anxiety or even panic, unaccustomed tears, restlessness, lethargy, headaches, brain fog, depression, mood swings, desire to isolate, muscle tightness, insomnia, and severe cravings to use porn.

Insomnia

It’s important to stay well rested as fatigue can trigger porn use.

Triggers

One man described triggers as, ‘the external factors that make you think about porn.’

Common triggers include: TV shows and movies with erotic content, porn flashbacks, morning wood, use of recreational drugs or alcohol.

Words that remind you of a porn site/actor and suggestive ads.

States of mind can also be triggers: boredom, anxiety, stress, depression, loneliness, rejection, fatigue, frustration, anger, failure, feeling sorry for yourself, desire to reward yourself for an accomplishment, overconfidence, jealousy, and being hung-over.

Keep a list of things you want to accomplish as well as a list of risk-free activities for those moments when you just don’t have the motivation to do something productive.

Emotions

People who quit porn often remark that they feel more emotions. Why is this a challenge?

Because unfamiliar emotions can be overwhelming at first, especially if they are unwelcome.

Chaser

The term ‘chaser’ is often used to describe intense cravings that sometimes follow orgasm.

Disturbing dreams, flashbacks

People often remark that they recall their dreams better after quitting.

They register as hyper-arousing, which means they also offer temporary comforting oblivion when feelings of shame strike. This explains how some users fall into a ‘shame-binge shame’ cycle.

The key seems to be to channel lots of energy into constructive action and self-compassion and away from excruciating, yet arousing, inner battles.

Common Pitfalls

Edging

Sometimes persuade themselves that ejaculation is the main problem and internet porn is secondary.

In men, edging stresses the prostate.

Dopamine is at its peak when on the verge of orgasm.

At orgasm, prolactin rises, which drops dopamine to baseline levels and inhibits its release.

That normally spells some relief for sexual frustration.

Placing your foot on the dopamine gas, without ever hitting the brake (prolactin) results in a continuous state of cravings without satisfaction.

Once he stopped viewing porn, the urge to masturbate eased a lot, because without porn, masturbation was not that interesting.

Fantasizing

Research on mental imagery indicates that fantasizing or imagining an experience activates many of the same neural circuits as performing it.

Your brain doesn’t make a distinction between imagery that comes from a computer screen or inside your own mind, so running porn-like imagery through your brain is little different from watching porn.

Another type of fantasy that involves intimacy but not sex. These fantasies involve things like exchanging smiles, holding hands, giving back or foot massages.

Using porn substitutes

The primitive part of your brain doesn’t know what porn is. It simply knows whether something is arousing (to you) or not.

Internet porn addiction is not an addiction to naked or erotic; it’s an addiction to novelty.

Assuming a fetish is permanent

The fact is, only by process of elimination will you know whether you are dealing with a porn-induced superficial fetish or a true fetish arising from the core of your sexual identity.

All erotic memories gain power, and are reinforced with each instance of arousal.

Porn fetishes often turn out to be superficial. Again, many who quit porn (and porn-inspired fantasy) for a few months see their extreme tastes dissipate.

The bad urge

The ideal time to deal with a bad urge is before it shows up.

Not being at home, or a place where you usually fap, will be incredibly helpful in getting past the first few days of withdrawal throes.

Make a list (now) of reasons you are avoiding porn and consult it when The Urge arises.

If you don’t know what else to do you can always wait and do nothing.

Think to yourself, ‘Here are cravings. They came out of nowhere and they have no real power over me. I am not my thoughts; I did not summon them. I do not want them; and I do not have to act on them.’

All urges die down eventually, usually within quarter of an hour.

Don’t discuss the situation with your brain. Your brain will try to rationalize porn use because it desperately wants it. The key here is not to argue with your own brain, but instead to simply acknowledge that you’re having the thought, or to answer with one word: ‘No‘

Self-determination requires that we understand ourselves as best we can.

Burnham, Terry and Phelan, Jay, Mean Genes: From Sex to Money to Food Taming Our Primal Instincts, New York: Basic Books, 2000.

Funny, informative book about how the reward circuitry of the brain drives us to do things that are not always in our best interests.