123 Magic (4/10)

123 Magic 123 Magic

Don’t argue with your kids. Manage behavior without getting angry. This was an exciting method at first but became un-managable. Focuses too much on last resort when all other methods fail. Instead of focusing on the all other methods. Very easy to use “breaks” and rewards to try and manipulate your child instead of teaching lessons and trying to get activities to be enjoyable in and of themselves. Read Playful Parenting instead.

Summary and Highlights

The 3 jobs for you as a parent

  1. Control obnoxious Behavior (STOP behaviors)
  2. Encourage good behavior (START behaviors)
  3. Strengthening your relationship with your children.

Controlling obnoxious behavior (STOP Behaviors)

This is where counting and break times come in. You will use counting and break times for STOP behaviors.

Taking Breaks and Counting

A break is when parents and child can separate briefly so they can calm down and regroup. You do not talk about the behavior after the break. No need to punish the child twice. If the behavior was dangerous, unusual, or new, then give a brief explanation.

3 counts are needed before a break occurs. And after you’ve tried ignoring, sympathetic listening, distraction, and joint problem solving.

You and your child may fall for the arguing/ yelling/ hitting/ persuading/ defending/ rationalizing trap. You need to start counting before this happens. Once you notice that you’ve fallen in this trap. Simply go back to counting.

The parents tone should not be anger/ negative. It should simply be “I love you but you simply cannot behave this way”.

Straight to 3!

Major behavior goes straight to 3 and taking a break. This is stuff like hitting, spitting, etc. Still, you must be gentle and consistent. Then the child’s behavior will mature over time.

Your child won’t behave rationally when they are upset. Same goes to you! The brain is just not wired that way. When dealing with a child, you must manage the yelling/ screaming/ whining/ fighting. All while encouraging positive behaviors like eating, doing homework, cleaning up, going to bed and child/parent bonding.

To be an effective parent you must be gentle and friendly. The message your child receives should be that you love them and will take care of them.

You must also balance this with being firm and letting them know that you expect them to do something.

Children also will model your behavior. Like if you solve problems with anger. They will to. If you are calm and collected. They will learn that from you as well.

Counting is for STOP behaviors

You must control negative behaviors. These are things you want your children to STOP doing. And what you will use COUNTING for.

  • Physical attacks on people , breaking something, fighting
  • Teasing
  • Whinin
  • Temper (intimidation, “I HATE YOU!”)
  • Arguing
  • Badgering (wearing you down with repetition
  • Tantrums
  • Yelling
  • Threat (I’m running away from home)
  • Martyrdom (“I never get anything”)
  • Crying, pouting, looking sad on purpose
  • Saying something is unfair
  • Butter up “you are the nicest dad in the world!”
  • Promises/ insincere apologies

This is controlling obnoxious behavior. Or the demanding side of parenting. This teaches you and your child to hold back and avoid dysfunctional responses.

Methods for stop behaviors.

Counting

  1. Go straight to 3 if behavior is dangerous or extreme.
  2. Don’t talk or get angry, just count.
  3. Voice should be casual but stern.
  4. No extra talking or emotion.
  5. Things should go back to normal after a count.
  6. Counting with anger is challenging your child to misbehave.
  7. Both parents can be involved in any of the counts (mom says 1 for first offense dad says 2, etc.).
  8. Keep quit and ignore for minor offenses (depending on your fuse).
  9. When in doubt count
  10. Take about 5 seconds between counts
  11. Start the counting cycle over longer as the child gets older. (15 minutes for 5 year old, 2-3 hours for an 11 year old, etc.
  12. Do not punish bad grades, use the reward system for grades instead.
  13. Explain to child the counting process when you first start.
  14. Should not be used for bedtime.

Break time

  1. One minute per year of the child’s life.
  2. Do not make eye contact or talk to child.
  3. Remain gentle but firm and instructive.
  4. You do not have to close the door.
  5. No lectures, explanations, or emotions after a break time.
  6. Explanations are appropriate when the behavior is new, unusual, or dangerous.
  7. Very gentle procedure to calm everyone down.
  8. If child behaves, praise him and enjoy his company, if they do something else that is countable, count it.
  9. Parent should not be furious, yelling, lecturing, or physical or emotionally abusive.
  10. Most failures are because the parent forgets the no talking and no emotion rules.
  11. Timer doesn’t start until child is done with tantrum (unless they are 3 or younger, then just let them out when their time is up, start the count over if they continue to misbehave after they get out).
  12. Child can go to room and read, take a nap, play legos, draw, etc. No phone, no friends, and no electronic entertainment.
  13. Use same strategy if company is over.
  14. Send kid and friend outside if they both get counted to 3.
  15. Give child a hug after break time if they want one.
  16. Should happen right when the offense happens. Do not give a break time an hour later for something. If you can’t give a breaktime right away then use a breaktime alternative.

What if kids won’t go to break time?

  1. Bring them to the room.
  2. Choose a breaktime Alternative (you can give them a choice between a couple consequences, you pick if they won’t).
  3. Reverse break time, you leave the room, walk around the house, don’t talk.
  4. If they won’t come out of breaktime, that is okay, just tell them when their time is up.

What if they leave their room?

  1. Add extra time.
  2. Switch to break time alternative.
  3. Doorknob cover.
  4. Locking the door.
  5. Tell them if they come out then the door gets closed.

Break Time Alternatives

Make sure these are fair and reasonable. And that the punishment fits the behavior.

  • Loss of privilege or toy for a period of time.
  • bedtime fifteen minutes earlier.
  • forty cents off the allowance.
  • no electronic entertainment for two hours.
  • Earlier bedtime.
  • No dessert or treat.
  • No use of phone.
  • No friend over.
  • No conversation—fifteen minutes.
  • Removal of DVD, iPod.
  • Reduced computer time.
  • Loss of TV for evening.
  • Loss of electronic games—two hours.
  • Monetary fine.
  • Small chore—wash bathroom sink.
  • Larger chore—weed yard.
  • Write a paragraph.
  • (Limited only by your imagination)

If a child has a fit when dropping off at daycare. Become master of the quick exit. Kiss goodbye, tell them when you’ll see them again, and get out of there. The more you talk, the worse you will make the situation.

Sibling rivalry? Never ask “what happened?” Count both kids. Put them in different break time locations.

Tantrums? Never talk or argue with a tantruming child.

Common mistakes when dealing with a misbehaving child

Mistake #1

Using counting for Start behavior (for example, counting a child to get her to do her homework).

Mistake # 2

Too much talking.

Mistake #3

Too much emotion.

Encourage good behavior. (START behaviors)

This takes more effort on the parent AND the child.

  • Cleaning up after themselves.
  • Going to bed on time.
  • Being polite.
  • Doing homework.

Warm and demanding side of parenting.

You do not count for these things. Instead, to encourage positive action, pick something from this list of methods.

You can use one or a combination of these:

  • Praise
  • Timers
  • Natural Consequences
  • Docking
  • Charting
  • Counting variation
  • Simple requests
  • Model behavior yourself
  • Make activity fun or add diversions or friendly challenges
  • Positive reinforcement
  • Cheering and applauding, praise
  • Elaborate for younger kids, heartfelt for older kids
  • Praise in front of other people
  • Unexpected praise
  • Three positive comments for every negative comment
  • Simple requests
  • “It’s time to start your homework”
  • Phrasing requests in a “matter of fact” tone
  • Try not to spring requests out of the blue, give them some warning
  • Structure tasks into fixed routines
  • Kitchen timers
  • The docking system
  • If you don’t work, you don’t get paid
  • Charge them money for doing their chores
  • Natural consequences
  • Let the big bad world teach lessons for you
  • “I’m sure you’ll do better next time!” (offer encouragement)
  • 3-4 things to work on at one time for a chart
  • If they do good at something on a chart for a long period of time then replace it with something new
  • Offer rewards for completing a chart
  • Trip for icecream
  • Tokens
  • Small toy
  • Rent a game
  • Outing with parent
  • Shopping trip
  • Sleepover
  • Game with parent
  • No-chore voucher
  • Camping in the backyard
  • Card for a collection
  • Tech time
  • Breakfast in bed
  • Cash
  • Rent a movie
  • Grab-bag surprise
  • Comic book or magazine
  • Friend over for supper
  • Choice of three reinforcers
  • Reading a story with parents
  • Sleeping with the dog or cat
  • Special phone call
  • Collection items
  • Helping make and eat cookies
  • Using a power tool
  • Staying up an extra 15 minutes

Counting Variation for start behaviors that only take a couple minutes to accomplish.

Children’s approximate capacities at different ages for doing independent school work:

Age 6: 10 minutes Age 7: 20 minutes Age 8: 30 minutes Age 9: 40 minutes

Strengthening your relationship with your children

  • Make sure screen time does not replace face-to-face time.
  • You value enjoying each other’s company.
  • Critical for family well-being and child’s self-esteem that you like them and not just love them.

Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationships:

  • Practice sympathetic listening
  • Avoid over-parenting
  • Join in one-on-one fun
  • Solve problems together

If encouraging positive behavior in kids requires more motivation from the kids, it’s also going to require more motivation from Mom and Dad.